Pregnancy Community Chat Forum - Need Some Advice On What to Do With My Babydaddy!!!

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Q: Need Some Advice On What to Do With My Babydaddy!!!

asked by: JohnsWifey on December 5th, 2004

Experienced User

Here is my story....Ever since I got pregnant (october), my babydaddy has become emotionally abusive...I love him so much that I have taken it all this time until last tuesday when I didnt exactly say we were threw but I think he got the hint anyways...I cant even go out on my porch without him tellin me im cheating on him...He doesnt let me go anywhere, not even to the library....He wont let me have any friends and he doesnt like me associating with my family because that means that I dont care about him and I only care about him....Every single thing that goes wrong in our relationship is my fault according to him....He never does anything wrong...He is perfect and I have to be perfect too because thats what he wants...He told me I couldnt invite my family to our wedding when we got married and that they couldnt be at the hospital when I had the baby...It just got ridiculous...One of our arguements got so bad one day that I was balling and told him he better hope I didnt have a miscarriage and he had the nerve to say to me "well if you do then you do." I couldnt believe that shyt so I hung up on him...He called me back and started apoligizing saying he only said it cause he was mad and all this other bullshyt...I just kept putting up with it....Ever since our break up on tuesday, he hasnt called me until yesterday and he talked to my brother because I didnt want to speak to him....So hes having my brother relay messages and shyt and im like hang up, you dont have to listen to his a** so he did....Then he as called her like 5 times today already and I wont answer the phone because I know I will end up giving into him again because im a vulnerable person....I dont know what to do....Should I talk to him or just leave it like it is at least until the baby is born? Every time we have ever argued, I cried and cried and cried because I am a very emotional person....But when we were fighting on tuesday, I dint cry not one time....My eyes didnt even get no water in them....I told him I was all cried out....Someone please tell me what I should do because im on a one way street...I feel like im some clay and hes just molding me to be more and more of how he wants me and im fed up....I dont want anything to do with him at least until the baby is born...Is that a good or bad idea....I know this is getting long so i'll just wait for replies now....

Replies(15)

mommax3

replied on December 5th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Hi sweetie
did you ever talk to him about going in to counseling?
Or at least go by yourself first?
Too me it sounds like a really bad situation that I wouldn't want to bring my baby into
how old is babysdaddy?
(how old are you?)
if someone loves you they shouldn't want to change you and they shouldn't say hurtful things to you
have you ever had a miscarriage?
My husband would have gotten mad and said something like that too if he thought I said it just to get a reaction (sorry, don't take that the wrong way please, but you did say it in the heat of the moment, right?0
so maybe you guys should keep up your break a little longer, but with no contact for another week, and then meet in a nonconflicting place and talk about what is bothering the two of you

sheeridinprincess

replied on December 5th, 2004

Experienced User

You need to be strong and stay away from him its best for you and your baby. I'm much like you i'm so in love with my boyfriend that he can do anything to me and I will stay however he isn't abusive in anyway. But has cheated on me several times and I wish I could be as strong as you and leave. Hun you need to do this for yourself and your baby no one should tellyou u can't have your parents at your wedding or at the hospital.

Moira

replied on December 5th, 2004

Experienced User

Re: Need Some Advice On What to Do With My Babydaddy!!!

johnswifey wrote:

i love him so much that I have taken it all this time until last tuesday when I didnt exactly say we were threw but I think he got the hint anyways...

good for you! That's an important step, and it must have been really hard to do, especially when you're preggo. It's actually quite common for a guy to get more abusive during pregnancy.

[quote="jw"}i cant even go out on my porch without him tellin me im cheating on him...He doesnt let me go anywhere,...[/quote]

that's not good. Controlling you like that is not justifiable, ever. He can rationalise to himself that he has to stop you cheating on him, but it's just not reasonable.

[quote="jw"}every single thing that goes wrong in our relationship is my fault according to him....He never does anything wrong...[/quote]

well, that's a classic sign of abuse hun. It's not his fault at all, it's all yours...Yeah right. He has issues.

jw wrote:

he told me I couldnt invite my family to our wedding when we got married and that they couldnt be at the hospital when I had the baby...

that's just horrible. Any man that could try and control birth day, when you're going to be doing all the work and when you need support well, he's just cruel.

jw wrote:

i know I will end up giving into him again because im a vulnerable person....

no you won't. You're nto a vulnerable person, if you were you wouldn't have had the strength to dump him - that shows how strong you are. Even after taking all this abuse from him, you still managed to do it.

jw wrote:

i dont know what to do....

ok, here's my advise: have a few days where you try not to think about it, where you just spoil yourself rotton. You deserve it. Get your favourite movies out from blockbuster, eat your favourite foods, call your girlfriends over -whatever you do to treat yourself. Beyond that, mommamax is right, counselling will really help you come to terms with this. Sounds like your families supportive, which is great for you.

jw wrote:

feel like im some clay and hes just molding me to be more and more of how he wants me and im fed up....

of course you do. That's what an abuser does - he tries to make you what he wants and then punishes you for not reaching his ideal. He has the problem, not you.

jw wrote:

i dont want anything to do with him at least until the baby is born...Is that a good or bad idea....I know this is getting long so i'll just wait for replies now....

keep your distance. Tell him if he's not going to be civil you won't talk to him at all, and when you do have to talk to him (eg to say how the pregnancys going) try to keep it to the point and not gt emotional.

You've done the hard part -you've left him. If you can do that, you can do anything. Just stay away and focus on being happy and healthy for he little one. You know, some women are trapped in relationships like this for years, you've had the strength to get out. You hould be darned proud of yourself! I know it seems hard, but there are good times ahead.

l2at24

replied on December 5th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

All I have to say is go with your instincts. If you have a bad feeling about it, then don't stay. Once you make a decision, then you can take the next steps instead of going back and forth, should I stay or leave? Who knows how many years that could go on. There are a lot of things that I overlooked when I was younger, and now I ask myself why didn't you get it? It gets to a point where you feel like there's no turning back. Don't get that far. Leave him now. You still have to maintain some kind of a relationship for your child. You never know what will happen in the future. My friend split with her baby's daddy and about 4 years later they got back together and are married now. You won't regret leaving, but you might regret staying. Like momma said counseling is perfect. The counselor can help you figure out exactly what you need to do to get away from the abuse, and how to work with him about your child.

Tazzy D

replied on December 5th, 2004

Advanced Support Team

Hey hun,
i think every relationship has it;s ups and downs I know mine does and I have been through alot of this with my man. I cant tell you what to do wether to stay or leave you have to make that decision for yourself know one knows what you can handle or take. Some men/women are very insecure and you just cant change that. I know that it is hard and right now your emotions are going every which way. And he is probally scared to and he just doesnt know what to say or do. First I would def. Try to talk to him and express how you feel,but if he is anything like my man it goes in one ear or out the other. So you need to find in yourself what you want for yourself.. Good luck and pm me if you need me

JohnsWifey

replied on December 5th, 2004

Experienced User

mommax3 wrote:

hi sweetie
did you ever talk to him about going in to counseling?

Or at least go by yourself first?

Too me it sounds like a really bad situation that I wouldn't want to bring my baby into
how old is babysdaddy?

(how old are you?)
if someone loves you they shouldn't want to change you and they shouldn't say hurtful things to you
have you ever had a miscarriage?

My husband would have gotten mad and said something like that too if he thought I said it just to get a reaction (sorry, don't take that the wrong way please, but you did say it in the heat of the moment, right?0
so maybe you guys should keep up your break a little longer, but with no contact for another week, and then meet in a nonconflicting place and talk about what is bothering the two of you

my babysdaddy is 21 and I am 18....We were together almost 3 years ago when I was 14 and he was 17 and I left him for cheating on me...And then we got back together in september of this year because I still loved him...No I have never had a miscarriage...This is my forst pregnancy but for him to pretty much say I dont care whether my child lives or dies was way over the top....I have tried every single day to talk to him and all I get is that im wrong, its my fault and it doesnt matter how I feel....I think im dont with me and him for good....As far as my child goes, he will have every right to see him/her but thats as far as it goes....I wont go to counseling because for one, I know he would never go and it aint worth it....He is not worth my time anymore....He proved that to me by his actions.....Thanks for all the advice though...

JohnsWifey

replied on December 5th, 2004

Experienced User

For Everyone Elses Advice

Thank all of you soo much....But I think a lot of you think that this just started and it hasnt its been going on for months now....There is no hope for me and him...I was stupid to stay around this damn long...Thats my fault....But I will not take this out on my child at all....I dont really care what he does anymore...If he doesnt want anything to do with my child, so be it...I'll do it by my damn self like I have been already for the last 8 weeks...If he does, thats kool too....I just dont have time for his bullshyt no more....Im going to go through this pregnancy on my own and with the help of you guys and my family and i'll be ok....I dont need his ass no more...I've had enough and me writing this post in the first place made me realize that...I know I wasnt going to give him another chance when I wrote this post but I thought maybe there was something I wasnt seeing so thats why I asked for your guys' help....I appreciate everything you guys...U guys mean a lot to me and so does my child which is why I refuse to suffer for his ass anymore...

Tazzy D

replied on December 5th, 2004

Advanced Support Team

Re: For Everyone Elses Advice

[quote="johnswifey"]thank all of you soo much....But I think a lot of you think that this just started and it hasnt its been going on for months now....There is no hope for me and him...I was stupid to stay around this damn long...Thats my fault....But I will not take this out on my child at all....I dont really care what he does anymore...If he doesnt want anything to do with my child, so be it...I'll do it by my damn self like I have been already for the last 8 weeks...If he does, thats kool too....I just dont have time for his bullshyt no more....Im going to go through this pregnancy on my own and with the help of you guys and my family and i'll be ok....I dont need his ass no more...I've had enough and me writing this post in the first place made me realize that...I know I wasnt going to give him another chance when I wrote this post but I thought maybe there was something I wasnt seeing so thats why I asked for your guys' help....I appreciate everything you guys...U guys mean a lot to me and so does my child which is why I refuse to suffer for his ass anymore...

Well you go girl there is the pregnancy spirit. You will never be alone you have all of us to stand behind you,beside you, oh and in front of you.. Loook at it this way we are your guardian angels

JohnsWifey

replied on December 5th, 2004

Experienced User

I know all u guys got my back...And thats why I got mad love for all of you....

lil_blaze2004

replied on December 6th, 2004

Supporter

He sounds like one of my exes- and I was not smart enough to get rid of him. Now I look back on that relationship and realize it was one of the most damaging experiences of my life. I am so happ yto not be with that guy anymore even though I thought he was "the one" I too was 18 when I started going out with him and it ended when I was 21. I am now 25 and with a "real" man who loves me for me and lets me live my life. Wifey- it's up to u but it sound real unhealthy to me and will not be good for your child to be in a household like that.

l2at24

replied on December 6th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

I'm proud of you for being strong enough to make that decision. It's hard to do especially when you're pregnant, but like I said you will never regret it.

Newmommy23

replied on December 6th, 2004

Active User, very eHealthy

I am so proud of you!! I think walking away is the best thing you could do for yourself and your child!! .Y.O.U. .G.O. .G.I.R.L. !!

JohnsWifey

replied on December 6th, 2004

Experienced User

Ok I have another question now.....He keeps calling and calling and I already know what hes going to say but I refuse to talk to him...I will not answer when he calls or I have someone else answer...I am wrong for that???Should I answer the phone or what???

l2at24

replied on December 6th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Unless you have something to tell him about his baby, I say no talking. Also, you need to change your name!!!!!! (johnswifey) Laughing

JohnsWifey

replied on December 6th, 2004

Experienced User

I thought about changing my name too...As a matter of fact, im about to go do that right now....But thats how I feel about the talking thing too.....Thanks....

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