Well my worse nightmare came true... Tuesday night I miscarried my little angel. I do not why this happened and to say the truth when I found out I was pregnant I was so happy that miscarriage never even crossed my mind until I saw the first drop of blood. After 4 months of desperately trying this baby was the answer to all my prayers. I woke up everyday with a reason to live and july 10th (my supposed to be due date) seemed so far away. Now I keep thinking what did I do to cause this? Was it something I did or said? Did I not take good care of my baby? I tried to be the best mommy I could, I took my vitamins everyday, I tried to eat healthy, I exercised, I visited my doctor. What else could I have done? I keep thinking did my little baby feel anything? Did she hurt? Did this happen for the best? Since many times an early miscarriage means the body gets rid of the baby because it is not developing properly. Miscarriage is something that noone will never understand until they personally will go through. Such pain (physical and emotional) is something I do not wish my my worst enemy and never want to go through this again. It hurts to much that I never got to find out if my baby was a boy or girl? It hurts I never got to hold my little baby or tell her how much I love her. It hurts so much to wake up everyday knowing my baby is gone and it feels like it is a week long nightmare that I will wake up from soon. But reality is setting in, I lost my little angel. She is up in heaven now smiling... So many unanswerable questions. Well let my tell my story of how it happened? Monday night I was watching tv with my husband and felt something wet on my panties so when I went to the bathroom and what I saw made my heart stop beating. There are brownish spotting, I yelled for my husband out of fear. He came and tried to calm me down saying that it might be ok. So I went to bed that day not thinking much about it just paranoid. The next day at work I went to the bathroom every 20 minutes to check if there was more blood. There was nothing there other than some brown stuff when I would wipe. But then at about 2:45 pm tuesday I went to the bathroom and my panties were all in red blood. I started shaking because I knew this wouldnt be good. I tired to act calm since I was at work but thank god I work at a hospital. So I shut down my computer and ran to the er. I was trying not to not cry because all these people know me in the er since they are part of the department I work in. So I checked in with the nurse.. Filled out all the paperwork and then called my husband at work so that he can come. An hr later my husband came just in time when the doctor came to check me. He did a pelvic exam and a blood test which both hurt very bad. He then came back and said that my cervix was not opening and that my hcg's were in the range for my size (20,000). So he sent me home saying to keep my fingers crossed and just wait. Although the doctor told me to be on bed-rest my husband was like, oh its ok lets go to church. So we did and about 2 hours after we came back from the er I started getting really bad cramps. Deep down inside I knew what was happening yet I tried to block it out of my head. About an hour later I went to the bathroom and a huge chunk on blood came out. I was in so much pain and I still did not fully understand what was going on. I came upstairs and told my husband he became pale and I knew he was scared! So we left home. That night was the worst night of my life. I did not get any sleep, but was in the bathroom with blood gushing out of me with huge clots and tissue coming out. My cramps were so bad I was losing consciousness since I did have any pain meds and was scared to take any even if I did. At about 4 am I finally took some advil because I could not take it anymore. That morning my husband went to work, but I could not even get out of bed to kiss him when he left. I was exhausted and in so much pain that I did not even want to live. I knew I had to go back to the er so that a doc came check me out and tell me for sure if I miscarried (although I knew I did). I dragged myself into the shower and at about this time my husband walked through the door again. I knew the night was hard for him also, although I told him to sleep and I will try to be quiet, I knew he was not sleeping much either. He just tried to stay out of my way because he knew there was nothing he can do to help me. He said that he could not be at work while I was suffering at home. So I took a quick painful shower and we went back to the er. This visit ended up to be 6 hours. After another pelvic exam the doctor said that I was 4 cm dilated and chances are my baby has already came out during the night. And my hcg’s dropped from 20,000 yesterday to 8,000 today. So pretty much there was no chance at all. There was not much they can do, I asked for an ultrasound just to confirm everything but the doctor declined and said, “im sorry but you are no longer pregnant, you miscarried your baby.” he sent me home with 4 different types of prescription medication. 2 were for contraction of my uterus to get all the remains out and vicoddin for pain. So that’s my story, now I am sitting at home so lonely and miserable. I am scared to get pregnant again because I do not want to ever go through this again and I know my pain will not subside with another baby. But I do want a baby really bad. So we’ll see what happens later.