I have been suffering depression for a long time now. Today seems really bad. It is taking everything I have not to get up from this chair (at work), go home and pull the covers over my head. Today, my grandmother (nana) is on my mind. She passed in march '99, I spent a week with her while she was in hospital before god called her home (even now I have to take time to control my tears before I go on). I think it was those most painful time of my life. She had diabetes and near the end suffered a multitude of complications that left her unable to breathe on her own, see clearly or communicate. The whole family went to florida to help my grandfather and be with her. Since I was the nightowl, I would stay at the hospital at night with her by her bed. My nana always seemed full of life, taking care of her family, feeding us, loving us. The hardest thing to me is to see someone you love in pain and know there is nothing you can do to help or take it away. I sat by her side and watched this beautiful, vibrant , loving woman deteriorate before my eyes. I was reading up on depression and read that one of the triggers can be grief. I immediately started to think of my nana and started bawling. I have never been an overly active, outgoing person, but my whole being seems to go rock bottom at times. I was doing so well for the last two years, became a member at my church, got baptized, going to bible study getting closer to god. I had the gastric bypass surgery, was eating well, going to the gym everyday (gym junky) and walking differently (strutting). I felt good, was looking good, life was good. The only down-side was my job, retail I hated it. I finally got up the nerve to quit, and went to an employment agency. Where they put me is worse than where I was. I literally have to force myself to get out of bed to go to this place. I am sitting here right now choking on my misery. I would love to escape but first I have to have a direction and right now I am clueless as to where I can, want, need to go. I am praying god will open a door, a window and knock me over the head with it, because the only thing I can see right now is how unbelievably miserable I am. Please help me!!