My boyfriend and I have been together for
nearly 2 years and we've known each other
for 3. In addition to being the love of
my life, he's also my best friend. He
feels the same way about me.
However, 4 or 5 months ago I found a ton
of porn on his computer and confronted him
about it. He felt terrible and ashamed
and confessed to me that he's had problems
in the past with being addicted to porn,
but that was the first time he looked at
it while he's been dating me. I do
believe him when he says that. I cleared
out his computer and he promised me he
wouldn't do it again. After a few
months, i've been able to forgive him for
it and move on.
This part is the real dousy. We were
online last night looking for vacation
packages in niagara falls. I was planning
on taking him away for a weekend in
december for his birthday/christmas
present (he was born on dec 25) and while
typing out www.Expedia.Com, a
bunch of porn sites beginning with the
letter "e" popped up on screen. I
immediately stood up and was about ready
to leave. For 15 minutes he denied that
the stuff was his and that his "roommate
had to have been using his computer."
well, after digging around on his
computer, I basically proved it had to
have been him by the cookies that were
saved. I was devestated... There I was
about ready to take him on a nice weekend
getaway, only to discover he broke a
promise I held very dear.
He finally confessed that a majority of it
was his (some of it does belong to his
roommate) and he's been looking at the
stuff again. He said he'd go 2 months
without looking at it, then he'd start
looking at it again. He then went on a
tirade about how he doesn't know why I put
up with him, how he's such a screw up, and
how i'm the first person he's ever dated
that's accepted him for all that he is.
The thing is, aside from his "problem"
he's basically the perfect guy and a
wonderful human being. He's attentive,
compassionate for others, hysterically
funny, intelligent, determined, and I find
him attractive. Above all else, I love
him to death. We talked things over for
several hours and layed in bed and held
each other, and things seem to be okay.
It's not the porn that bothers me so much,
it's how he lied to me in front of my face
and how long it took him to admit to the
truth. He knows this and said he'd try
harder to overcome his problem and he
assured me that he loves me. We'll be
talking more about things tonight i'm
sure.
Am I a total fool for forgiving him for
what he's done or am I doing the right
thing by forgiving him? I felt like I
did the right thing, but i'm really
confused by why he did what he did. He
knew how much it devastated me the first
time around. He broke a promise. He
kept saying I deserve better and that he'd
understand if i'd break up with him, but I
can't leave him even if that's true.
Part of me is saying i'm too young to be
in a serious relationship and that I
should want to date other people, but my
heart is telling me that he's the one and
we'll be able to get through this.
Any advice would be appreciated, because I
don't know what to do or what I should
do.
Thanks
nicole
|
bridget28ack
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 40 Location: Ohio
Posted: 11-17-04 14:15pm
I know this is not the answer your looking
for but I see no problem with him looking
at porn. If he's good to you and you
have a good sex life why not look.
My hubby looks at porn but I don't care.
We still have a great sex life. I know
some women don't like there man looking at
it but why not? Its not like they are
cheating on you. Sorry thats just my
opinion.
|
rabiddustbunnie
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Mar 2004 Posts: 73 Location: PA, USA
Posted: 11-17-04 14:28pm
You missed the part where I said it's not
the porn that bothers me, it's the lying.
The only reason I think it's wrong is
that he does it by himself and tries
desperately to hide it from me. He even
thinks himself that looking at porn is
wrong, and that's why he hid it. He was
terribly ashamed. The first time it
happened I even told him i'd look at the
stuff with him, but he didn't think that
was a good idea.
Having a few drinks a month isn't bad.
Having a few drinks a day 5 days a week
isn't healthy. Looking at porn
occasionally is fine... It's perfectly
normal to fantasize about others on
occasion. It's when someone has to look
at it every day that it becomes a problem.
I'd also rather him share his fantasies
with me instead of acting them out online.
Our sex life is great, and i'm no prude.
Sex is something sacred and bringing other
people into the mix, either real or
online, takes away a little bit of its
meaning. I also have morals and values
which I stick by. Regardless of whether
others agree with them or not doesn't
matter to me.
|
JCSC2
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Sep 2004 Posts: 61
Posted: 11-17-04 14:35pm
rabiddustbunnie
wrote:
you missed the part where I
said it's not the porn that bothers me,
it's the lying. The only reason I
think it's wrong is that he does it by
himself and tries desperately to hide it
from me. He even thinks himself that
looking at porn is wrong, and that's why
he hid it. He was terribly ashamed.
The first time it happened I even told him
i'd look at the stuff with him, but he
didn't think that was a good idea.
Having a few drinks a month isn't bad.
Having a few drinks a day 5 days a week
isn't healthy. Looking at porn
occasionally is fine... It's perfectly
normal to fantasize about others on
occasion. It's when someone has to look
at it every day that it becomes a problem.
I'd also rather him share his fantasies
with me instead of acting them out online.
Our sex life is great, and i'm no prude.
Sex is something sacred and bringing other
people into the mix, either real or
online, takes away a little bit of its
meaning. I also have morals and values
which I stick by. Regardless of whether
others agree with them or not doesn't
matter to me.
then why are you asking for opionions?
Getting caught is embarrasing. You should
get over it.
|
Sweety1
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Aug 2004 Posts: 34 Location: Canada
Posted: 11-17-04 14:40pm
I am too dealing with this myself and
being lied to about it, but I do have a
problem with it.
Anyway, sit down, talk to him and tell him
exactly how you feel. Let him know that
if he looks at it, it's alright but the
lying about it isn't. Make sure he
completely understands what you are trying
to tell him.
I'm not saying this will happen, but he
may continue to lie about it since he's
lied about it in the past. So just be
careful with that.
|
rabiddustbunnie
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Mar 2004 Posts: 73 Location: PA, USA
Posted: 11-17-04 14:47pm
Thanks sweety. good advice. Of
course i'd prefer it if he didn't look at
it at all, but at this stage in the game
i'm convinced there's not a male on earth
who doesn't look at it at least
occasionally. From a moral and ethical
standpoint, I think it's terribly wrong.
It's confusing because i'm attractive and
i'm about as free spirited in the bedroom
as most girls get. I'd be more
understanding of his habit if I was ugly
and a prude I guess. Does that make any
sense? :p
i basically told him I wish he didn't look
at it, but if he does, I don't want him to
deny it. Then again, i'm afraid he'll
continue to lie anyway for fear of hurting
my feelings. I guess we'll just see how
things go.
|
jriegel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2004 Posts: 54
Posted: 11-17-04 15:14pm
If he's afraid of hurting your feelings,
and feels guilty for looking at it, then I
would not try to persuade him that "it's
ok, just don't lie". Shame and
remorse/regret are huge, deep feelings
that should not be paved over by trying to
give someone the ok for a behavior that
makes them hate themselves (you said he
went on a tirade about how awful he is and
how could you put up with him, you're the
only one who has loved him for who he is).
I would say put the effort--emotional and
time--into working through his feelings,
why he's ashamed, why he feels bad. If
you can find out why he feels that way,
you can help him decide if it's ok or not,
and help him have control to not look at
it compulsively.
If he is looking at it compulsively, it's
an addiction, and addiction to anything is
bad--it means you're dependent on that
thing for something, and you don't
actually need it. Addiction in any form,
to anything, will steal your emotions,
your ability to control yourself, and your
ability to connect/interact with other
people.
Take the time to talk through with him why
it upsets you, challenge him to be honest
and open with why he's ashamed. You'll
cover a lot more ground and make a lot
more progress in himself as a person and
your relationship, than you would burying
it under an "ok".
|
Sweety1
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Aug 2004 Posts: 34 Location: Canada
Posted: 11-18-04 01:55am
Rabiddustbunnie.....
I know there are a lot of women that are
going through their
partners/husbands/boyfriends looking
constantly at porn and they have a huge
problem with it. The males have a
problem with addiction and the females
have a problem with them looking at the
porn. You are not alone. I actually
just joined a forum group that deals with
this kind of thing. If you would like to
talk more about this, please feel free to
e-mail me
There are some males that actually do not
look at porn. Yes, there are a lot more
that do than do not. That's a given.
|
drexl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Dec 2004 Posts: 37 Location: canada
Porno Posted: 12-10-04 01:14am
It's natural to be threatened by your
boyfriend looking at porn, it was probably
really embarassing for him to get busted.
I've been caught masterbating to porn
before several times and I hardly ever
look at it. No pun intended. Porn
represents everything that is superficial
about the relationship, everything that is
not, real love. If you have love he
should not be looking at it at all. What
you said about it not being the porn but
the fact that you were being lied to is
just your self trying to be open minded
about it and failing, mabey you've looked
at it yourself.. It's fine to let it go
but I would give him a warning that if he
looks than your going to get really angry.
Another solution might be to go and rent
some porno and watch it with him see how
he likes knowing that you want to watch
porn. Haha rent one with guys with really
huge dongs that will get him aroused
enough to make a decision about it and you
also/.
|
callie8323
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Sep 2004 Posts: 231 Location: nc
Found Stuff Too Posted: 12-15-04 09:40am
I found porn magazines my boyfriend of
three years said he got those because that
I acted like I did not want him anymore we
worked it out got ride of it all when I
meet him he had them and I told him to get
rid of them. His keep this secret from me
for 2years but I got to move on and if it
happens again im gone. It sucks guys lie
all the time.
|
babylugo2000
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Dec 2004 Posts: 9 Location: Bushkill,PA
I Just Posted About This Yesterday Posted: 12-21-04 10:03am
Same situation I am 22 years old and have
been with my husband for 8 years ( high
school sweethearts)we have 2 children.
And several times I found porn on the
computer or dvd's videos he just lies and
blames someone else I have cried to him
about it several times when I was younger
it made me feel insecure.. That he was
looking at other women.. He would promise
never to do it again and then I would find
it again somewhere else. It was a vicious
cycle then I would get angry that he would
lie to me.. Then I wouldn't trust him it
was horrible one day I told him that I
wanted to understand it more and to watch
vids together he agreed and I told him
that it was o.K. That he watched it as
long as he was honest.. That lasted for a
while he is honest if I ask ( most of the
time) but he does erase it from the
computer. ( he forgets to delete his
cookies) ...
The only part that bothers me most is
that its a given that as soon as I walk
out the door he is on the computer looking
at porn. It makes me not even want to
leave the house.(lol) it gives me a
complex. Even when im in bed he is up in
the loft looking at porn. I don't think
that you can stop it ...
|
Roxy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2004 Posts: 25 Location: Il
Posted: 12-28-04 01:36am
Hello rabidd.
That sounds sooo heartbreaking.My thoughts
go out to you.A planned vacation for you
both? Wow! I feel the same way.I have
been with my mate for 3 yrs.And married
1yr.This december. His bday was in
november.I was planning on a weekend
getaway for awhile but got washed away in
finding him going to porn sites when i'm
out of the house.We have a 2yr.Old
daughter and even when he's "supposedly"
watching her,he'll spend his "quality
time" with the computer screen.How sad
huh? I found out he was watching it a few
yrs back.He promised never to "do it"
again.Then months went by and I found out
again.Lie #2. I even told him I would
"join" him in watching it.He said he felt
kind of funny with me there,but promised
never to watch it again.You guessed
again,lie #3. He is addicted to it.He
says every man watches it.Iam soo sick to
my stomach with the lies.It makes us women
feel as though we're not pretty
enough.That is the message the men are
failing to understand!!!Hey,maybe to get
even us woman should start looking at
other men so our "man" can feel like we
do? Only my opinion.The thing is....I
don't think i'm all that bad.What do you
think? You can take a look at my website
at:roxmodeling.Com and you ladies can let
me know why a husband would look at
others.
|
IAmCat
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Dec 2004 Posts: 1 Location: Virginia
Posted: 12-30-04 09:02am
To rabiddustbunnie & babylugo2000,
no need to tell my story because you two
already did. I would like to ask you two,
are there other times when your man lied?
For instance, does he ever make up a lie
to cover something else up?
My husband is not only addicted to porn,
he is a compulsive liar. I gave up
confronting him about it, and now he even
lies to other people in front of me. I
usually let it go because the lies are
mostly embellishments to a story he's
telling or used as excuses for something
he did or didn't do. I can tell, after 14
years, when he's lying.
I have put my foot down, several times, to
no avail, about the porn. I have children
too, and it scares me that the kids might
stumble across something like
rabiddustbunnie did doing a simple search
on the computer. It just doesn't make any
sense to me why, if he is so loving,
attentive and sexually attracted to me,
does he have to look at this crap.
Porn is like any other aspect of the
media...Fake...Fake...Fake. It is an
illusion created to fulfill one
purpose....To allow someone to see what
they don't already have. It cracks me up
that he reads these stories about people
in normal situations, suddenly finding
themselves in the midst of their wildest
fantasies.
Let me just add this: everyone writing in
this forum will get aroused by reading
these stories, looking at these pictures,
watching these movies. The question is
why? Not why are we aroused, but why do
we have to be aroused by porn instead of
by our partners? We don't. Turning sex
into an experience only for the sake of
disconnected sexual pleasure is
ridiculous. It takes away the whole
reason for sex. It's an experience to be
shared, behind closed doors, between
loving, consenting adults.
I am not a very religious person, but I am
a very spiritual person. Of course our
sex is great. But it does not involve
bambi bubbles and seymour stud. It's
about my love for my husband. My husband,
who needs bambi and seymour to fill in the
periods when we are not making love. Now
tell me that is not wrong. In my heart, I
feel that it is.
|
Health Angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2004 Posts: 141 Location: Australia
Posted: 12-30-04 17:27pm
Same thing happened to me. But I
actually caught my bf doing other things
aswell. I was totally devistated. I
was so self concious about my body after
that....Thinking it was because I wasnt
good enough to look at. He promised he
wouldnt do it again and I found out that
he had been on my computer looking at porn
but he didnt get rid of everything. Im
not so hurt about the porn because alot of
guys do it but he looked me in the eyes
and lied to my face. He denied
everything until I showed him the proof
that I knew he had. You know every know
and then I still wonder if hes lying to me
but were engaged now and I figure that if
I dont snoop then im better off not
knowing. It hurts too much to know that
someone you love is looking at other
women.
|
Roxy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2004 Posts: 25 Location: Il
Posted: 12-31-04 00:13am
I am so like viveangel.I had a "gut"
feeling that something wasn't right.My
b/f, now husband(don't ask me why) wasn't
"in the mood" as I was and told me that he
doesn't have "the drive" like I do and
doesn't "need it" like I do.Well,i set up
our handy-dandy camcorder while I was at
school/work and there he goes "playing"
along with the other fake women on the
puter! I was soooo damn hurt,let down,and
disgusted for a long time.When he called
me from his work while he was on break I
told him I can't trust him any more.He
said sorry over and over again and said he
wouldn't do it again.Few months go by,i
secretly videotape him and there he is
again on the puter with he fake women.At
this point I feel like crumbling down.I
feel there is no need to satisfy him the
way I thought I was doing.I use to "give"
him what I thought men loved from women.At
this point I didn't feel like a person any
longer.I asked him again and he said the
same bull----! "it meant nothing,all guys
do it",blah,blah,blah!!! Sooo,months go
by and he's at it again.I have alot of
tape of him!He even looked me in the eyes
and swore that he doesn't do it. Men do
not realize that it makes us,their
partners feel unloved.I really don't think
he understands the scar he left on me.He
said I need to "get over it." and you know
what? I don't think I look all that
bad.Here is my website.Take a look and let
me know why?????? Roxmodeling.Com take
care and have a nice day:)
|
amythyst
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Jan 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Virginia
Posted: 01-24-05 14:19pm
I have had a lot of issues with porn in my
relationships... I am not the most
attractive person and so when I see my man
looking and doing things with magazines,
internet etc... Its almost like saying to
me "i love you and I settle for you but
i'd rather have that".
I also had a fiancee that was severely
addicted to porn and would actually lock
me out of our bedroom when he did it and
would fall asleep after he had his "fun"
... Thereby locking me out of our bedroom
and i'd have to sleep on the couch.
Which was entirely unacceptable.
Sadly enough, my fiancee committed suicide
and one of the reasons he cited for it was
of his porn addiction. I'm not saying
that all instances of porn will lead to
things like this, but seriously... If
you're with someone and in a happy healthy
relationship then you shouldn't need porn.
Unless its something the two of you like
to watch/do together. But, if a man is
that addicted to porn (as in my situation)
then there is something going on with
them.
|
Roxy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2004 Posts: 25 Location: Il
Posted: 01-26-05 23:04pm
Hello amythyst:)
i'm so sorry for your loss:( I
didn't realize how much my husband enjoyed
porn.He moved in with me just 4 months of
dating him.I got that "feeling" and
secretly videotaped him while I was at
school.When I asked him about it,he said
he was so sorry and it won't happen
again.This went on several times.He kept
saying sorry but said he enjoys it.I told
him I would watch it w/him.We watched it
once and he says he doesn't feel right
watching it w/me.But he continued and
still continues to watch it while i'm out
of the house.Now he's at the point where
he keeps denying it! I told him I have
him on video.He told me to show it to him
but I won't.I don't want him destroying
it.The saddest thing about all of this
is,he knows I know! I begged for him to
stop watching it.I told him he needs to
respect me.I get asked out all the time
and compliments anytime I go out.He's the
only one who makes me feel bad.What a
shame:( have a good day.Roxanne
|
Roxy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2004 Posts: 25 Location: Il
Posted: 01-26-05 23:27pm
Hello again bigman16:
hey.....Who said you had to quit
cold turkey? I think only if it
interferes w/your real life and your
relationship.When you begin a
relationship,it would be wise to ask your
partner what he/she thinks.Let him/her
know you enjoy it.I never really got to
"know" my current husband.We dated quickly
after my ex-husband left me and he moved
in 4 months later.I assumed we would
eventually watch it together.Boy was I
wrong.I really think he thinks he's the
"don juan" in the porn.Ha! Well,hope you
have a nice day.Roxanne
|
Roxy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2004 Posts: 25 Location: Il
Posted: 01-26-05 23:37pm
Hey....
Never,i mean never film yourself!!!!!
You don't want that tape to get
out.Everyone would know for sure how sick
you are!!! :) I know you must regret it
now. But,you can never take it back.Once
it's seen,that's it. Learn now from your
mistakes.
|
Health Angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2004 Posts: 141 Location: Australia
Posted: 01-26-05 23:41pm
I agree with roxy, noone says u cant enjoy
porn but its when your partner sneaks
behind your back and lies to you about it
is when it becomes a real big problem.
Its not as if I havent watched porn
before, I think the deeper you get in a
relationship the more insecure you get and
to find out you partner is looking at
other people naked, well it doesnt do much
for your confidence.
good advice. Of
course i'd prefer it if he didn't look at
it at all, but at this stage in the game
i'm convinced there's not a male on earth
who doesn't look at it at least
occasionally. From a moral and ethical
standpoint, I think it's terribly wrong.
It's confusing because i'm attractive and
i'm about as free spirited in the bedroom
as most girls get. I'd be more
understanding of his habit if I was ugly
and a prude I guess. Does that make any
sense? :p
