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Q: He's Addicted to Porn

asked by: rabiddustbunnie on November 17th, 2004

Experienced User

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years and we've known each other for 3. In addition to being the love of my life, he's also my best friend. He feels the same way about me.

However, 4 or 5 months ago I found a ton of porn on his computer and confronted him about it. He felt terrible and ashamed and confessed to me that he's had problems in the past with being addicted to porn, but that was the first time he looked at it while he's been dating me. I do believe him when he says that. I cleared out his computer and he promised me he wouldn't do it again. After a few months, i've been able to forgive him for it and move on.

This part is the real dousy. We were online last night looking for vacation packages in niagara falls. I was planning on taking him away for a weekend in december for his birthday/christmas present (he was born on dec 25) and while typing out www.Expedia.Com, a bunch of porn sites beginning with the letter "e" popped up on screen. I immediately stood up and was about ready to leave. For 15 minutes he denied that the stuff was his and that his "roommate had to have been using his computer." well, after digging around on his computer, I basically proved it had to have been him by the cookies that were saved. I was devestated... There I was about ready to take him on a nice weekend getaway, only to discover he broke a promise I held very dear.

He finally confessed that a majority of it was his (some of it does belong to his roommate) and he's been looking at the stuff again. He said he'd go 2 months without looking at it, then he'd start looking at it again. He then went on a tirade about how he doesn't know why I put up with him, how he's such a screw up, and how i'm the first person he's ever dated that's accepted him for all that he is. The thing is, aside from his "problem" he's basically the perfect guy and a wonderful human being. He's attentive, compassionate for others, hysterically funny, intelligent, determined, and I find him attractive. Above all else, I love him to death. We talked things over for several hours and layed in bed and held each other, and things seem to be okay. It's not the porn that bothers me so much, it's how he lied to me in front of my face and how long it took him to admit to the truth. He knows this and said he'd try harder to overcome his problem and he assured me that he loves me. We'll be talking more about things tonight i'm sure.

Am I a total fool for forgiving him for what he's done or am I doing the right thing by forgiving him? I felt like I did the right thing, but i'm really confused by why he did what he did. He knew how much it devastated me the first time around. He broke a promise. He kept saying I deserve better and that he'd understand if i'd break up with him, but I can't leave him even if that's true. Part of me is saying i'm too young to be in a serious relationship and that I should want to date other people, but my heart is telling me that he's the one and we'll be able to get through this.

Any advice would be appreciated, because I don't know what to do or what I should do.

Thanks
nicole

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Replies(102)

bridget28ack

replied on November 17th, 2004

New User

I know this is not the answer your looking for but I see no problem with him looking at porn. If he's good to you and you have a good sex life why not look.

My hubby looks at porn but I don't care. We still have a great sex life. I know some women don't like there man looking at it but why not? Its not like they are cheating on you. Sorry thats just my opinion.

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rabiddustbunnie

replied on November 17th, 2004

Experienced User

You missed the part where I said it's not the porn that bothers me, it's the lying. The only reason I think it's wrong is that he does it by himself and tries desperately to hide it from me. He even thinks himself that looking at porn is wrong, and that's why he hid it. He was terribly ashamed. The first time it happened I even told him i'd look at the stuff with him, but he didn't think that was a good idea.

Having a few drinks a month isn't bad. Having a few drinks a day 5 days a week isn't healthy. Looking at porn occasionally is fine... It's perfectly normal to fantasize about others on occasion. It's when someone has to look at it every day that it becomes a problem. I'd also rather him share his fantasies with me instead of acting them out online. Our sex life is great, and i'm no prude.

Sex is something sacred and bringing other people into the mix, either real or online, takes away a little bit of its meaning. I also have morals and values which I stick by. Regardless of whether others agree with them or not doesn't matter to me.

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JCSC2

replied on November 17th, 2004

Experienced User

rabiddustbunnie wrote:

you missed the part where I said it's not the porn that bothers me, it's the lying. The only reason I think it's wrong is that he does it by himself and tries desperately to hide it from me. He even thinks himself that looking at porn is wrong, and that's why he hid it. He was terribly ashamed. The first time it happened I even told him i'd look at the stuff with him, but he didn't think that was a good idea.

Having a few drinks a month isn't bad. Having a few drinks a day 5 days a week isn't healthy. Looking at porn occasionally is fine... It's perfectly normal to fantasize about others on occasion. It's when someone has to look at it every day that it becomes a problem. I'd also rather him share his fantasies with me instead of acting them out online. Our sex life is great, and i'm no prude.

Sex is something sacred and bringing other people into the mix, either real or online, takes away a little bit of its meaning. I also have morals and values which I stick by. Regardless of whether others agree with them or not doesn't matter to me.

then why are you asking for opionions? Getting caught is embarrasing. You should get over it.

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Sweety1

replied on November 17th, 2004

New User

I am too dealing with this myself and being lied to about it, but I do have a problem with it.

Anyway, sit down, talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know that if he looks at it, it's alright but the lying about it isn't. Make sure he completely understands what you are trying to tell him.

I'm not saying this will happen, but he may continue to lie about it since he's lied about it in the past. So just be careful with that.

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rabiddustbunnie

replied on November 17th, 2004

Experienced User

Thanks sweety. Smile

Smile

good advice. Of course i'd prefer it if he didn't look at it at all, but at this stage in the game i'm convinced there's not a male on earth who doesn't look at it at least occasionally. From a moral and ethical standpoint, I think it's terribly wrong. It's confusing because i'm attractive and i'm about as free spirited in the bedroom as most girls get. I'd be more understanding of his habit if I was ugly and a prude I guess. Does that make any sense? :p

i basically told him I wish he didn't look at it, but if he does, I don't want him to deny it. Then again, i'm afraid he'll continue to lie anyway for fear of hurting my feelings. I guess we'll just see how things go.

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Users who thank rabiddustbunnie for this post: Special_k123

jriegel

replied on November 17th, 2004

Experienced User

If he's afraid of hurting your feelings, and feels guilty for looking at it, then I would not try to persuade him that "it's ok, just don't lie". Shame and remorse/regret are huge, deep feelings that should not be paved over by trying to give someone the ok for a behavior that makes them hate themselves (you said he went on a tirade about how awful he is and how could you put up with him, you're the only one who has loved him for who he is).

I would say put the effort--emotional and time--into working through his feelings, why he's ashamed, why he feels bad. If you can find out why he feels that way, you can help him decide if it's ok or not, and help him have control to not look at it compulsively.

If he is looking at it compulsively, it's an addiction, and addiction to anything is bad--it means you're dependent on that thing for something, and you don't actually need it. Addiction in any form, to anything, will steal your emotions, your ability to control yourself, and your ability to connect/interact with other people.

Take the time to talk through with him why it upsets you, challenge him to be honest and open with why he's ashamed. You'll cover a lot more ground and make a lot more progress in himself as a person and your relationship, than you would burying it under an "ok".

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Sweety1

replied on November 18th, 2004

New User

Rabiddustbunnie.....

I know there are a lot of women that are going through their partners/husbands/boyfriends looking constantly at porn and they have a huge problem with it. The males have a problem with addiction and the females have a problem with them looking at the porn. You are not alone. I actually just joined a forum group that deals with this kind of thing. If you would like to talk more about this, please feel free to e-mail me

There are some males that actually do not look at porn. Yes, there are a lot more that do than do not. That's a given. Wink

Wink

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drexl

replied on December 10th, 2004

New User

Porno

It's natural to be threatened by your boyfriend looking at porn, it was probably really embarassing for him to get busted. I've been caught masterbating to porn before several times and I hardly ever look at it. No pun intended. Porn represents everything that is superficial about the relationship, everything that is not, real love. If you have love he should not be looking at it at all. What you said about it not being the porn but the fact that you were being lied to is just your self trying to be open minded about it and failing, mabey you've looked at it yourself.. It's fine to let it go but I would give him a warning that if he looks than your going to get really angry. Another solution might be to go and rent some porno and watch it with him see how he likes knowing that you want to watch porn. Haha rent one with guys with really huge dongs that will get him aroused enough to make a decision about it and you also/.

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callie8323

replied on December 15th, 2004

Experienced User

Found Stuff Too

I found porn magazines my boyfriend of three years said he got those because that I acted like I did not want him anymore we worked it out got ride of it all when I meet him he had them and I told him to get rid of them. His keep this secret from me for 2years but I got to move on and if it happens again im gone. It sucks guys lie all the time.

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babylugo2000

replied on December 21st, 2004

New User

I Just Posted About This Yesterday

Same situation I am 22 years old and have been with my husband for 8 years ( high school sweethearts)we have 2 children. And several times I found porn on the computer or dvd's videos he just lies and blames someone else I have cried to him about it several times when I was younger it made me feel insecure.. That he was looking at other women.. He would promise never to do it again and then I would find it again somewhere else. It was a vicious cycle then I would get angry that he would lie to me.. Then I wouldn't trust him it was horrible one day I told him that I wanted to understand it more and to watch vids together he agreed and I told him that it was o.K. That he watched it as long as he was honest.. That lasted for a while he is honest if I ask ( most of the time) but he does erase it from the computer. ( he forgets to delete his cookies) ...

The only part that bothers me most is that its a given that as soon as I walk out the door he is on the computer looking at porn. It makes me not even want to leave the house.(lol) it gives me a complex. Even when im in bed he is up in the loft looking at porn. I don't think that you can stop it ...

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Roxy

replied on December 28th, 2004

New User

Hello rabidd.
That sounds sooo heartbreaking.My thoughts go out to you.A planned vacation for you both? Wow! I feel the same way.I have been with my mate for 3 yrs.And married 1yr.This december. His bday was in november.I was planning on a weekend getaway for awhile but got washed away in finding him going to porn sites when i'm out of the house.We have a 2yr.Old daughter and even when he's "supposedly" watching her,he'll spend his "quality time" with the computer screen.How sad huh? I found out he was watching it a few yrs back.He promised never to "do it" again.Then months went by and I found out again.Lie #2. I even told him I would "join" him in watching it.He said he felt kind of funny with me there,but promised never to watch it again.You guessed again,lie #3. He is addicted to it.He says every man watches it.Iam soo sick to my stomach with the lies.It makes us women feel as though we're not pretty enough.That is the message the men are failing to understand!!!Hey,maybe to get even us woman should start looking at other men so our "man" can feel like we do? Only my opinion.The thing is....I don't think i'm all that bad.What do you think? You can take a look at my website at:roxmodeling.Com and you ladies can let me know why a husband would look at others.

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IAmCat

replied on December 30th, 2004

New User

To rabiddustbunnie & babylugo2000,
no need to tell my story because you two already did. I would like to ask you two, are there other times when your man lied? For instance, does he ever make up a lie to cover something else up?
My husband is not only addicted to porn, he is a compulsive liar. I gave up confronting him about it, and now he even lies to other people in front of me. I usually let it go because the lies are mostly embellishments to a story he's telling or used as excuses for something he did or didn't do. I can tell, after 14 years, when he's lying.
I have put my foot down, several times, to no avail, about the porn. I have children too, and it scares me that the kids might stumble across something like rabiddustbunnie did doing a simple search on the computer. It just doesn't make any sense to me why, if he is so loving, attentive and sexually attracted to me, does he have to look at this crap.
Porn is like any other aspect of the media...Fake...Fake...Fake. It is an illusion created to fulfill one purpose....To allow someone to see what they don't already have. It cracks me up that he reads these stories about people in normal situations, suddenly finding themselves in the midst of their wildest fantasies.
Let me just add this: everyone writing in this forum will get aroused by reading these stories, looking at these pictures, watching these movies. The question is why? Not why are we aroused, but why do we have to be aroused by porn instead of by our partners? We don't. Turning sex into an experience only for the sake of disconnected sexual pleasure is ridiculous. It takes away the whole reason for sex. It's an experience to be shared, behind closed doors, between loving, consenting adults.
I am not a very religious person, but I am a very spiritual person. Of course our sex is great. But it does not involve bambi bubbles and seymour stud. It's about my love for my husband. My husband, who needs bambi and seymour to fill in the periods when we are not making love. Now tell me that is not wrong. In my heart, I feel that it is.

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Health Angel

replied on December 30th, 2004

Experienced User

Same thing happened to me. But I actually caught my bf doing other things aswell. I was totally devistated. I was so self concious about my body after that....Thinking it was because I wasnt good enough to look at. He promised he wouldnt do it again and I found out that he had been on my computer looking at porn but he didnt get rid of everything. Im not so hurt about the porn because alot of guys do it but he looked me in the eyes and lied to my face. He denied everything until I showed him the proof that I knew he had. You know every know and then I still wonder if hes lying to me but were engaged now and I figure that if I dont snoop then im better off not knowing. It hurts too much to know that someone you love is looking at other women.

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Roxy

replied on December 31st, 2004

New User

I am so like viveangel.I had a "gut" feeling that something wasn't right.My b/f, now husband(don't ask me why) wasn't "in the mood" as I was and told me that he doesn't have "the drive" like I do and doesn't "need it" like I do.Well,i set up our handy-dandy camcorder while I was at school/work and there he goes "playing" along with the other fake women on the puter! I was soooo damn hurt,let down,and disgusted for a long time.When he called me from his work while he was on break I told him I can't trust him any more.He said sorry over and over again and said he wouldn't do it again.Few months go by,i secretly videotape him and there he is again on the puter with he fake women.At this point I feel like crumbling down.I feel there is no need to satisfy him the way I thought I was doing.I use to "give" him what I thought men loved from women.At this point I didn't feel like a person any longer.I asked him again and he said the same bull----! "it meant nothing,all guys do it",blah,blah,blah!!! Sooo,months go by and he's at it again.I have alot of tape of him!He even looked me in the eyes and swore that he doesn't do it. Men do not realize that it makes us,their partners feel unloved.I really don't think he understands the scar he left on me.He said I need to "get over it." and you know what? I don't think I look all that bad.Here is my website.Take a look and let me know why?????? Roxmodeling.Com take care and have a nice day:)

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amythyst

replied on January 24th, 2005

New User

I have had a lot of issues with porn in my relationships... I am not the most attractive person and so when I see my man looking and doing things with magazines, internet etc... Its almost like saying to me "i love you and I settle for you but i'd rather have that".

I also had a fiancee that was severely addicted to porn and would actually lock me out of our bedroom when he did it and would fall asleep after he had his "fun" ... Thereby locking me out of our bedroom and i'd have to sleep on the couch. Which was entirely unacceptable.

Sadly enough, my fiancee committed suicide and one of the reasons he cited for it was of his porn addiction. I'm not saying that all instances of porn will lead to things like this, but seriously... If you're with someone and in a happy healthy relationship then you shouldn't need porn. Unless its something the two of you like to watch/do together. But, if a man is that addicted to porn (as in my situation) then there is something going on with them.

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Roxy

replied on January 26th, 2005

New User

Hello amythyst:)
i'm so sorry for your loss:( I didn't realize how much my husband enjoyed porn.He moved in with me just 4 months of dating him.I got that "feeling" and secretly videotaped him while I was at school.When I asked him about it,he said he was so sorry and it won't happen again.This went on several times.He kept saying sorry but said he enjoys it.I told him I would watch it w/him.We watched it once and he says he doesn't feel right watching it w/me.But he continued and still continues to watch it while i'm out of the house.Now he's at the point where he keeps denying it! I told him I have him on video.He told me to show it to him but I won't.I don't want him destroying it.The saddest thing about all of this is,he knows I know! I begged for him to stop watching it.I told him he needs to respect me.I get asked out all the time and compliments anytime I go out.He's the only one who makes me feel bad.What a shame:( have a good day.Roxanne

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Roxy

replied on January 26th, 2005

New User

Hello again bigman16:
hey.....Who said you had to quit cold turkey? I think only if it interferes w/your real life and your relationship.When you begin a relationship,it would be wise to ask your partner what he/she thinks.Let him/her know you enjoy it.I never really got to "know" my current husband.We dated quickly after my ex-husband left me and he moved in 4 months later.I assumed we would eventually watch it together.Boy was I wrong.I really think he thinks he's the "don juan" in the porn.Ha! Well,hope you have a nice day.Roxanne

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Roxy

replied on January 26th, 2005

New User

Hey....
Never,i mean never film yourself!!!!! You don't want that tape to get out.Everyone would know for sure how sick you are!!! :) I know you must regret it now. But,you can never take it back.Once it's seen,that's it. Learn now from your mistakes.

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Health Angel

replied on January 26th, 2005

Experienced User

I agree with roxy, noone says u cant enjoy porn but its when your partner sneaks behind your back and lies to you about it is when it becomes a real big problem. Its not as if I havent watched porn before, I think the deeper you get in a relationship the more insecure you get and to find out you partner is looking at other people naked, well it doesnt do much for your confidence.

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