Hello:

i am a 49 year old male diagnosed: dysthymic disorder with major recurring depression.
In addition, I have a 25 year history of drug abuse and alcoholism.
13 mental health facilities and 16 addiction treatment centers later here I am.
(clean for 2 ½ years)

in my first 2 years of recovery from substance abuse, I steered clear of emotional entanglements. *(euphemism for relationships)*

this last september I entered school. I may possibly work the addiction counseling field. I would also want specialize in co-occurring disorders. Seemed like a good thing to do. I have been on social security disability for nearly 8 years and I would like to change that.

Just before starting school I met someone. This is the 1st time since getting clean; I allowed myself this sort of involvement with the opposite sex.

Just last week, after a fantastic week-end of loving each other, talking of future possibilities, she says bye-bye, cuz the children’s father shows up on the radar. Him - fresh out of treatment; she believes all is going to be peachy and they will be a family again.

That’s not the problem here however. I accept what happened. Heck, I can even see why she feels the need to give what’s his face another chance.

Since the “big split” I have been in self imposed exile in my room. I have skipped a week of classes, my na home group and missed 1 day of my 3-day a week part time job.

I know “what” and ” why” and still I am frozen with panic, hopelessness and self loathing. It seems to me that if I fall to pieces every time I experience a little stress, getting off disability and having a real job is just a pipe dream, not to mention ever having a relationship.

This prognosis does not endear itself to me in anyway. I have a precious few years left on planet earth and I would like to join in.

I have not gone anywhere, taken a shower or eaten anything for almost 7 days nor do I at this moment, want to.

To put it in a mildly understated way: my life sucks !

Tim . . . . . . . .