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Q: In Pieces
asked by: FarFromLoozen on November 16th, 2004
New User
Hello:

i am a 49 year old male diagnosed: dysthymic disorder with major recurring depression.
In addition, I have a 25 year history of drug abuse and alcoholism.
13 mental health facilities and 16 addiction treatment centers later here I am.
(clean for 2 ½ years)

in my first 2 years of recovery from substance abuse, I steered clear of emotional entanglements. *(euphemism for relationships)*

this last september I entered school. I may possibly work the addiction counseling field. I would also want specialize in co-occurring disorders. Seemed like a good thing to do. I have been on social security disability for nearly 8 years and I would like to change that.

Just before starting school I met someone. This is the 1st time since getting clean; I allowed myself this sort of involvement with the opposite sex.

Just last week, after a fantastic week-end of loving each other, talking of future possibilities, she says bye-bye, cuz the children’s father shows up on the radar. Him - fresh out of treatment; she believes all is going to be peachy and they will be a family again.

That’s not the problem here however. I accept what happened. Heck, I can even see why she feels the need to give what’s his face another chance.

Since the “big split” I have been in self imposed exile in my room. I have skipped a week of classes, my na home group and missed 1 day of my 3-day a week part time job.

I know “what” and ” why” and still I am frozen with panic, hopelessness and self loathing. It seems to me that if I fall to pieces every time I experience a little stress, getting off disability and having a real job is just a pipe dream, not to mention ever having a relationship.

This prognosis does not endear itself to me in anyway. I have a precious few years left on planet earth and I would like to join in.

I have not gone anywhere, taken a shower or eaten anything for almost 7 days nor do I at this moment, want to.

To put it in a mildly understated way: my life sucks !

Tim . . . . . . . .
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jriegel
replied on November 17th, 2004
Experienced User
Tim...My advice to you is to find one thing that makes you happy. One thing that you are grateful for.

If you keep living in "my life sucks" and "frankly, I don't want to" you are never going to get out of depression.

I don't know if you believe in god, if you don't you are going to have a very difficult road.

There are always simple things to be grateful for. Call me crazy, but yesterday I was eating and really enjoying my lunch and I found myself being grateful for having teeth in good condition, molars that are intact and healthy that can chew through food without pain.

Some days i'm so thankful for the sun that makes every thing grow so it's not dead, brown empty life outside the window.

You need to find one thing that you are grateful for, even if it doesn't have a single thing to do with you. I'm talking simple stuff--be grateful that water washes dirt off you. Be grateful that shoes protect your feet, be grateful that your ears work and you can hear things around you, that your eyes work and you can see, that your fingers and hands function and you can get through (physically) your life in normal way.

If you can't find anything to be be thankful for, grateful for, happy about, not even one thing, I doubt you will ever get out of the place you are. It is a self-imploding place and the only way to get out if it is to change the way you think...Even if you don't feel that way. You tell yourself what to feel. You do not let your feelings tell you who you are, how life is.

Our feelings are absolutely necessary, but they come after we've had a thought process (even if we don't realize we've had a thought process). Do not let your emotions rule you. You rule your emotions. If you find something to be thankful for, even though you don't feel it, you emotions will follow.
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Granps
replied on November 21st, 2004
Experienced User
Depression
Farfromloozen
out of depression comes some real good experiences. Sometimes it takes depression to get us going. After 2 yrs clean, you've accomplished something a lot of people never do. Don't throw it away now and quit allowing others to control you. Your higher power wants something good for you and you need to listen to your heart. Get out there and help others that are where you were 2 yrs ago.
Get off the "pitty potty" and godbless you.
By the way, you need to eat something, too.
Russ
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drexl
replied on December 10th, 2004
New User
I think you should continue to not take showers but wash your armpits and anus with a cloth, start eating crackers and cheese and start setting your alarm clock to wake up during the day and use your social security money to do some volunteer work outside your room, go help out anyone don't bother with school your done face it the chances of you meeting a hot girl and living happily ever after are over. Go volunteer with kids they are loads of fun and entertaining and generally happy for some weird reason that got me out of a depression once. I think you also have to not watch any tv because they tell you what you want in order to be happy and even if you are negative about the messages it still dominates your values. Depression is not real its a natural reaction to a really shitty situation we call life.
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Roxy
replied on December 28th, 2004
New User
Hello ffl.
I agree with the others.You have accomplishments you should be happy about.Don't let 1 person dictate your life for god's sake! In december 2001 my husband of 13 yrs left me with 2 children,all the bills,a car loan,i had no job,only a g.E.D and a month later my best friend died whom I shared every thought with,my father.The best father/friend anyone on this earth can wish for. My mother lost her home that he provided her with to the government because she couldn't afford the payments.She was forced to live w/relatives.How I managed to eat or stay sane,i'll never know.But,i found a reason.My father always told me to appreciate life,your health cause you only get one! He never smoked,drank,nor did drugs.He died from asthma:( I went on to earn my associates degree to further my education and along the way,i gave birth to a beautiful girl.She,along with my other two children give me a reason to go on.I have had depressive moments but,life and time go on.Smile please,give yourself some credit.Believe me,someone out there will be affected by your positive contributions you give.Have a nice day tim:)
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