Hello all my names mike and im new to this forum,

i'm a little scared to be posting this but i've noticed a problem and I want other peoples opinions and advice. This is going to be a longish post so please bear with me as I have much explaining to do.

You see I have had a very rought life, I am the bi-polar child of a scitziphrenic paranoid father and a bi-polar mother. I have seen horrors in my lifetime that no human should ever see. It took me many years to deal with them and it almost cost me my life and my very soul. Something had caused me to become violent and filled with rage and as a result an internal war started that almost killed me. I eventauly won the war but large chunks of myself got locked away and now I have so much self control, so much impulse control that I don't react to most things. It was my way of dealing with the darkness. Anyway my youth (all the way up till senior year high school) was perminated with darkness. A darkness so dark a man could easily loose his very soul. I am not exagerating when I say I have been to hell and back and I am lucky to be not only alive but saine! Anyway though this all I held on to one thing and one thing only. I only had a single hope, a single desire to keep me going all that while. All my life I wanted one thing and only one thing. I wanted to be loved. So I searched and searched looking for not just someone but the one I had dreamed about all those years.

When my life turned dark and I lost all hope, when I had given up on love and I simply couldnt take the lonelyness, I couldnt take the pain I would fill the void with porn. It was a quick fix, it filled a momentary void, it was dangerous sneaking into my brothers stash and not getting caught. So there was 2 things it did for me. 1 there was an adiction to the danger and 2 there was an adiction to the porn, for some odd reason the physical relief filled part of the void in me for just a moment and gave me a little bit of freedom. It made the lonelyness go away, it made the pain go away for just a moment but in the end it did the opposit it made me feel worse. I felt guilt over my addiction, felt guilt that I had given up and needed the quick fix.

Well many years have passed since then. Now there is another thing you must understand about me... My health isnt great it has never been great. I have and enlarged heart, an ashmatic cough and the tendacy to not only get sick but to stay sick for long periods of time. To make maters worse my stomach is utterly wrecked and causes me all kinds of pain.

Well a few years back I met my sweetheart juli. I see in her that person I so admately searched for. I love juli very much and she loves me. We make each other happy but ... *sigh* part of me is unhappy and its causing stress fractures in an otherwise happy relationship. Me and juli only fight about one thing: sex. Our needs are differnt which is alright but between my health and my screwed up drives... *sigh*

you see juli and I have an open relationship and she's bi so we both have the possibility of having a girl friend. I'm all good with that i'm a little freaky so hey... It's a plus to me. I'm actualy looking forwards to it and not at the same time. Part of me badly wants the new experiences, wants the extra affection and possibly love. Part of me is afraid. You see I havent taken advantage of my side of the open relationship. I either don't feel the need or when I do I can't find anyone. And trust me theres no kick in the teeth like having the freedom and no one wants you. It's a blow to my pride, to my very manhood.

Lately ... I don't know whats been wrong with me.

My addiction to porn has increased drasticly and part of me gets off from her not knowing about it, theres an element of danger again and that excites me for some reason. Even though I know rationaly that she wouldn't care I know that part of her would view that with negative eyes since we havent been intimate in a couple of weeks.

Further more my sex drive isnt what it used to be and its upsetting juli. She thinks I dont want her or love her and its simply not true. It's just part of me wants something else. We've been married for about 2 years and i'll be honest I never was very good with women. I'm cute but in my youth I just couldnt communicate properly and everything went screwy. I tried too hard and I couldnt take rejection so often I didnt try at all. Then just before I started coledge I went super manic and sudenly became casanova I was swave, I traveled around a bunch, I met juli. Now that im no longer manic... *sigh* I don't rember much from those days most of what I did durring the 3 year stretch of mania is lost in a fog but I remember some its like a blind man suddenly getting sight for a single day only to have it taken away again! Its horrible.

So i'm desperately searching and I don't understand why, i'm scanning personal adds, trying to meet people, trying to be swave, all the while my drive dies but my need for porn and to find someone is increasing wildly. I've become erratic and its hurting my relationship.

I know part of this has to do with the great uphevials in my life lately (i recently lost everything, I was left with no family, no friends, no job and no home and it was my fault. Ive been cut off and issolated for almost a year and with the loss of my future home I caused major havoc in 5 lives. I am still trying to pick up the peices of my life.) long story not pretty also not relavant to this particular discusson.

I also know that part of it stems from my desire to try new things, I haven't been with that many people. Truth of the matter is I can count them all on one hand and still have fingers left over. My wife on the other hand is more experienced. Part of me wants to prove that someone other then her finds me sexy, someone other then her wants me. Part of me wants to prove that I can be charming and swave when im not manic and out of my mind! Part of me wants to prove im still a man and its making me erratic.

I don't understand and don't know whats happened to my drive, I know part of it is health. I've been sick... Alot. I know part of it is bad timing we are on and off at opposit times. When im in the mood she's busy and when she's I dont feel well. Also I think part of it has to do with the orginal need and how porn was only a subsitute I think part of my defintion is messed up. To me sex isnt as important as love and I think that is affecting my sex drive but I have no idea what to do about it.

I am a shy guy and my wifes not so shy. So when she comes to me for sex even if im in the mood sometimes it just flips that switch in my head that turns me off. Like my brain has associated her with love and only love and her coming to me for sex is like her saying she does't love me and causes a short circit in my brain. I know its not true but its hard for me to resist the urge at that exact moment that all she wants from me is sex.

I know this is odd,
i know this is no where near normal for a guy but its like my wife and I switched roles and I cant deal with it.

*sigh*

please help me i'm confused and I don't want to hurt my wife I love her dearly. I just don't know whats wrong with me or what to do about it.

Take care,
be well,
and have a nice day

-mike