First of all, gobby - ****hugs****
i know that can't fix anything, but it helps a teeny bit.

You have a lot going on right now, even someone without depression would feel overwhelmed with grief and anxiety, so first off, your reactions to everything going on are normal... Just remember that...

I know it's easier said than done, but try to find some time every day to write down all the good things that are going on. You have a loving husband that is there for you, your sister is still alive, she may be different, but she is still here... You have "something" on your brain stem - that is scary, but hopefully you caught it early and can do something about it... (that is a good thing, I think.. It would have been worse if you didn't know about it)...

I lost my grampa last year, I know it is hard... While we weren't as close as we would have been (he lived in massachusetts, I live in missouri), the loss is still hard...

I have found when things are so overwhelming I can't even talk about them - I write about them.... I'd take 30-45 minutes or so and just write everything down that i'm feeling... It really helps...

Email me if you like.. I'm here.

good luck,
--stlsinglemomma

Gobby, believe in miracles. I am a living miracle. First I am on effexor xr. Have been well over a year. I had a cerebral anuresym 4 years ago feb 3. Frontal lobe, a crainiotomy, and now have a state of the art titanium clip in my head. 3 years ago, had malignant melanoma removed from the back of my left leg. Have been thru 2 abusive marriages, lost several close members of my family (my grandmother whom I was close) died from the result of the same type of brain anuresym I had.How is your sister? My short term memory is shot to hell, numbers totally confuse me and I do forget a lot. I have headaches a lot. As for you, and the spot they have found, this could very well be nothing. Believe in the power of god, prayer and miracles! I'll stop here............Just want you to know sweetie, you are not alone. I believe in god, jesus christ and angels. I also know how precious life is. I have learned to appreciate what I have now, because it could be taken away at the drop of a hat. We tend to take things for granted in this life. You need to focus on whats really important in life. You have a family. You have a husband who needs you, you have children, who need you. You can't rely on anyone else in this life to make you happy, this is something you have to do yourself. It took me 46 years to learn to appreciate this life god has allowed me to live. I do remember wishing I were dead, I hated my life, I felt useless and life was not worth living. I try to live each day as if it were my last. If something bad comes up, I try to find something good about it. We choose how to take the things in life. We have a choice. We can either make something good of it or wallow in self pitty. I do feel guilty now at times for asking god to please just allow me to die. Now, I get up every morning and thank him for allowing me to hear the birds, see the sun rise, feel the autum wind blow on my face. Thankful I have my husband and daughter and friends to hug. I wish I could just hug you and make all the pain go away. I know your pain, I just keep it way back out of sight. My shrink says I try to make everyone around me laugh and keep them happy because it allows me to mask all the hurt I have inside....Whatever works. Just want you to remember....You are never alone! We are here for you!!!!!!!God bless you and your family.

Poor guy...Don't be panic. I feel that most people might have suffered a period of depression in his/her life. While your period seems quite long. There might be many reason.
Even it might be your fate, but you can still fight. Try some positive things. The research shows that the gloomy mood has some relationship with personal dissatisfaction.
Know why some people always happy even they live in poor country? Because they have faith, they care more about their soul , not their belongs. It can give you a clue. Maybe you can try to participate some sort of community activy, charity forum or find something, especially arts, to purify your soul.
Post your tension and fear on public forum to get more help.
Anyway, it's your own campaign. Defeat the evil in your heart!!