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At the Crossroads (Page 1)

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November 10th, 2004
Hi everyone,

i think my story has been heard a thousand times before, but here goes:

my fiancee and I are planning to get married in 6-8 months time, but we learned a few days ago that she's 6 weeks pregnant. She missed her period for 2 weeks and went to see a doctor, who tested her and found her pregnant. We have since consulted with a ob/gyn and have told her that we are undecided as to whether we want to keep the pregnancy or not.


We're both working, but she was planning to leave her current job once her contract expires in march 05. Nobody will hire her before then, given that she's pregnant and will have to take maternity leave fairly soon. My salary alone is insufficient to support the both of us, what more a baby! On top of that, we are working away from our home country, and don't see how we are going to be able to take care of the baby if she were to resume work 3-4 months after delivery. I mean, our parents could come stay with us for a while, but its not fair to them to have them take care of our baby full time while we both work, and how long can we keep that up anyway?


As a result, we're contemplating the worst of decisions- whether or not to terminate the pregnancy. We both agree that its a sin (being both christians), and we have sat and talked/cried about it for the last 2 days -but when the balance sheet of our accounts are tallied, we know we cannot support a child -we were caught without much savings.

Initially, the biggest hurdle we thought of was the ackwardness of having to explain to family and friends on having a baby out of wedlock, but then decided that it was a minor issue -i mean I don't care about all that now, but the biggest problem is mainly financial.


Questions on abortions were interesting when discussing them as a third party, but when its you, then the situation is very much different. If you were to ask me as little as a month ago if I was against abortion, my answer would probably be a "hell yes!" but thats a far cry to the way I feel right now.


Today i've called up the doctor, who will schedule a meeting with a councellor, after which there is a 48-hour wait (by law) before the procedure (vacuum aspiration) can be performed. We've already given a tentative 'yes' to the abortion, but we can still change our minds, right up to the moment she's wheeled into the ot.


Please, no anti-abortion name calling, flames.. Nothing you could say can make me feel any worse about the situation. I'm here to ask for suggestions, opinions, understanding(?) i'm really at wits end as to what to do. We don't want to do it, but financially, we're really not prepared to support a baby. Its only 4 weeks since conception (according to the doc), so its not so bad, right? Are we doing the right thing? And if yes, then why do I feel so crappy about it? Sad

sorry for the rant
confused
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kitty2luv
replied November 10th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Hey I had a abortion at 11 weeks when I was 14 and it has been in my heart ever since and always will what I think is I hope she goes to a counsler after it because its not gonna be easy emotional maybe she should think abou birthcontrol if you guys dont want it happen again I am here or u can talk on here w/ me
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kitty2luv
replied November 10th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Hey I had a abortion at 11 weeks when I was 14 and it has been in my heart ever since and always will what I think is I hope she goes to a counsler after it because its not gonna be easy emotional maybe she should think abou birthcontrol if you guys dont want it happen again I am here or u can talk on here w/ me
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Confused1001
replied November 11th, 2004
Thanks kitty2luv for your kind words. We're still upset over the recent turn of events, but still feel that it would also be irresponsible to continue this pregnancy given our current financial status. I'm not making excuses for our decision, but we both agree that we need to make this decision together, no finger pointing or blaming later on. I've always wanted kids, so this is also a big blow to me, as i've never really considered the dollars and cents aspect of having a kid, up until now. I guess we all gotta grow up sometime.

We'll be seeing the councellor tomorrow then will be scheduling the procedure as soon as possible next week, we want to get this done while the pregnancy is as early as possible. Please pray for us to make the better decision, I won't say right, because either way, we feel we're making the wrong one.

Anyway, will she need to take the day off the day after the procedure? What we've read makes it sound like its a fairly easy procedure, in and out in 15 minutes, rest for an hour then go home. We've also read about the emotional drain, but what about physically? Some insights would be nice. Once again, thanks for listening.
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kitty2luv
replied November 11th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Well there are some things that could go wrong after the procedure like heavy blleding but they will give her meds for the bleeding and she will most likley have bad cramps yea I think it will be alot easyier for her because she is in early pregnancy I was 11 weeks and I belive I had a diff procedure I had it scraped out I thin k but its good shes goon go 2 counsuling...


I do under stand the $$ issue and if ya'll not ready its for the best for you and the baby

how far alonge is she ?
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Confused1001
replied November 11th, 2004
Well, from the ultrasound the doctor did, she estimated that the embryo was about 4 weeks old from conception, given its size of about 6mm, and about 7 weeks since the last period. Still very early in the pregnancy, according to the doc. The way the procedure was explained to me was that they would use suction to remove the embryo, followed by gentle scraping to make sure they remove all embryonic tissue from the uterus walls. She mentioned that it would be a quick and relatively risk-free procedure. She seems pretty competant, and I pray that everything goes well. Thanks again
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kitty2luv
replied November 11th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Yr welcome im here if ya need to talk
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2ferano
replied November 11th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
I don't quite understand why she can't find another job now. She isn't even far enough along to be showing and she isn't required to tell a prospective employer that she is pregnant.
I understand your concerns and such, but if finance is the only reason to abort when you two both want this baby, I think you should try to deal with that part of it. I just fear that under your specific circimstances you will both regret the abortion after it is done.
But, if you this is what you both want then okay. Just make sure this is what you both want. I mean, really really think it through and consider all paths.
Good luck to you both and like the other post said counseling would be a wonderful idea. Not just for her, but for you also.
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Izzy
replied November 12th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
How sad!

You said it would be wrong getting your parents to look after the baby while you work.... What a world we live in when we cant depend or think we cant turn to our family in times of need..... How sad, how very sad.
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Confused1001
replied November 13th, 2004
Its not as simple as that. Like i've said, we're both working in a foreign country while our families are back in our home country. I can't ask my or her parents to pack up and come to where we are to take care of the baby, nor would it be fair to leave the baby with them and only see it like once a month or something, right?

Anyway, our decision is more or less final. Thanks to all who've responded
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Confused1001
replied November 13th, 2004
Hi izzy,

i thank you for caring, and thanks for your prayers. I ask myself this same question every single day, but right or wrong, we have made our decision. Do pray for us.
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Izzy
replied November 13th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
I will be sure to pray for you.


Why not pray about it yourself.


Please! Things may seem imposible to you but trust in god and his devine providence he will provide more than you need.


I am scared about what I am going to offer here but I see that child in desperate need and I have to do this.

I work full time I dont get a lot of money and I know you dont want to abort but it seems to you your only option, maybe we could come to some sort of arrangement where I could help financially to support the child. If you think I am not good for my word and would stop payments after the birth, we could set up some sort of legal contract where I would be legally bound to pay.


I dont ask anything in return. The fact I would know that this child would still be alive would be more than enough.


So please give my offer some thought, I dont know how much I could give or if it would be enough, but it is an option for you to think about.


Please, dont thank me but thank god for this offer, for without him I would not have made it.

Btw if you do go through with the abortion, always remember no matter what wrong you have done, no matter how great the sin, god still loves you and he is always there to hear your confession and grant you forgivness.

You know it is against god, I know you fear the uncharted waters of this testing time. God gives us little/big tests. Sometimes we pass, sometimes we fail, sometimes we fail because of our fear and lack of trust. He knows our fears and our reasons for failing but he always always loves you and wants to help you.

All your sins you have commited and all the ones you will commit if you bring them before the merciful judge and repent he will pardon you!

Please read my post entitled: "message for those in "trouble"
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purple333
replied November 15th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Like you my religious beliefs opposed abortion although I always believed in freedom of choice. I'd lost 3 babies to miscarriage (i did have a daughter in betewen) then found I was pregnant with a sonm who was trisome 18 (serious mental & physical issues & they usually self abort) I had him terminated - later I had a son but lost his twin. I say all this sao you know I have been there in many ways - & with a 16 & a 9 year old I do also understand the financial & emotional burdens of children.

With this in mind I just want to say that you should both have counselling & be prepared to return for more at a later date if necessary as many peoplnever come to terms with an abortion - this is made much worse if you either can't have a child or have trouble conceiving in the furure.

A friend (a poor student - no income or family support & no partner) of mine also was intending to have an abortion (this was long before mine) & she discussed this with me despite knowing I was basically opposed to abortion - the thing I noticed & pulled her up on was that despite having "decided" to abort she kept talking about him & what she's do in "his" room etc - so I said hey, if you're talking like this are you sure you want to abort "him". She stopped thought & decided to have him - he's now almost 30 has a double honours degree in law & engineering & she's glad she changed her mind.

I am not suggesting you change yours merely trying to present different scenarios & to give you some things to consider - if you think/thought of your baby as a him or her then the emotional trauma will be that much harder on both of you. >>>> counselling again.

Pm me if you want to talk.
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Izzy
replied November 15th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
"i'd lost 3 babies to miscarriage (i did have a daughter in betewen) then found I was pregnant with a sonm who was trisome 18 (serious mental & physical issues & they usually self abort) I had him terminated - later I had a son but lost his twin."

my heart goes out to you, it must have been horrific

i am sure no words can comfort your loss, I just hope you find peace in our lord jesus christ!
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purple333
replied November 15th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Thank you,

its funny but while I still mourn my babies I know that they're with god & with my mum who died in 96 so they're loved. Both my children know about their siblings who are with god & their nona & know that they're loved - this sort of helps me too because I can say things or write this without fear of them seeing/hearing & being upset.
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jenn_smithson
replied November 15th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
My husband and I had been married only two months when we experienced a pregnancy. We had spent what little money we had on the wedding and were living month to month at the time. I am still a student, almost through with my degree, and my husband has plans to return to school once I graduate. With tuition, books, living expenses, and the crap jobs we have to work just to survive, we knew there was no way to successfully bring a child into the situation. Nature, in a way, was merciful in that the pregnancy turned out to be ectopic and there was no other decision that could be made. Even if the pregnancy had been normal, I still would have sought an abortion because it was not the right time for us to have a child. I understand and support your financial problems since i, myself, have faced a similar situation. We, too, live without an extended support structure and would have had no one to ask for help for an extended period of time. I know this is not an easy time for either of you since had the circumstances been different you might have decided to keep the pregnancy. You and your fiance alone are the only ones who know when the right time to become parents will be. You want to give a good quality life to your future children and that is most admirible. You need to be there and support your fiance and she in turn will support you. If you need to talk to someone, please seek someone who is objective and won't make you feel bad about this decision. You have nothing to feel bad or sorry for. It's not the right time, you both recognize this, you have given it proper consideration as to the alternatives, and you have arrived at a very responsible decision. In a way, you have already begun to heal as most people who are upset are upset over having an unplanned pregnancy. I know that not everyone is the same, but after my abortion, I felt relief. I was relieved to know my life was safe and that my entire reality would not be upheaved. With my husband standing by me throughout the entire process and supporting my decision, we were able to get past everything quite quickly and painlessly. If you or your fiance experience any lasting negative effects, please see an objective person who can help put those feelings into perspective. I hope that in time, you both will be able to find pride in the fact that you made the best decision you personally could make at the time. I am proud of my decisions and no one has the right to make me feel any differently. I hope that you can keep communication open with one another because that will also help and I hope, in time, you'll be able to look back on this and know you did the right thing. Best of luck in the future.

Peace,
jenn
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Izzy
replied November 15th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
Its so wonderful to know that whoever goes before us, we will all be a family again someday, all one family under god.

Remember also, through prayer we can communicate with the saints, through holy communion we can be spiritually united to christ and the saints.

Our loved ones have not died for they live, because of the love christ has set thrm free from death.
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Confused1001
replied November 15th, 2004
Hi jenn and purple,

thanks so much sharing. Indeed, we have both thought long and hard about this decision, and have made the decision to proceed. Right now (just a few hours before the procedure) we're both still firmly decided on our course of action, but its a decision that we've made together. Thank you again for all the words of support.
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Izzy
replied November 18th, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
Please keep us upto date.

How is your girlfriend... Did everything go ok?

No problems, no injuries, how is she copping, how are you?
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Confused1001
replied November 21st, 2004
Hi,

everything is fine, the procedure went very smoothly, and although she did experience very painful cramps after the procedure, some painkillers helped and she was home 2 hours after the procedure.

I guess we're pretty ok with things, she's coping well with it, no crying etc.. Maybe because we've both decided that it was for the best, and have more or less decided to put it behind us.

Thanks again to all for your support. Smile
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