i want to help you but don't know if I can.
I have some similar things.
I point my finger and say or think: ' I will kill you (all)!'
'you motherf******!!' and other swearing (to 'them')(people who aren't there, or the very few times when I walk in the street among other people but then it is not directed to them but to the ones in my mind/memory??)
and I think I have that same look in my eyes as you mentioned. It is full of hate. But undernieth it I think I feel sad. I sometimes want to cry, feel the need to cry but I can't.
I think this comes from the fact that my father and brother were very hostile to me at home.
I sometimes feel that I want to be violent against people, to hurt them.
I think that thats what I want. I think that I will feel good by doing that.
And othertimes I say to myself :' I wanna go out of here' 'i wanna go away from here'
i am not sure that that's a voice in my head or me thinking that in some way, but it is not my 'normal thinking'.
I went to a psychiatrist and he said I have schizofrenia and advised me abilify (15 mg). According to him it will get rid of those thougts I have. So I have to use it for at least a year he said. I am 30 years of age.
But I still didn't start taking them because I think I don't trust his diagnose completly and maybe even more important, I think that by starting using this drug I will loose my chance to heal normally. Heal the right way, whichever that is.
Well this is my way of asking help. I can not even open my own topic.