Ladymarmalade,
i can totally relate and understand exactly where ur coming from...I used to think like that and go through everyday the same exact way...Minus the purging...On the outside, I was not underweight at all, I wasnt "fat", but I wasnt satisfied by any means..I def wasnt bulimic, and I always thought I was too fat to be anorexic, "ur only anorexic if ur skin and bones"...Not true, at all....I remembered always waking up and telling myself I wasnt going to eat, or I was going to eat toast and that was it....Everyday I would eat the toast, and even tho in my mind I was freakin out telling myself not to eat a bite more, I continued eating anyway, and couldnt not eat....And by the end of the day, I had eaten just as much if not more than the "average" person but, I felt horrible, guilty and absolutely disgusted with myself...I felt like everytime I ate, I failed....That was about 1 1/2 years ago....I even remembered thinking to myself, god I wish I had the power to just not eat, to hold back and not give in...After telling myself that time and time again, and after totally denying that I had any type of eating disorder, my weight plummeted down to 96lbs...I'm 5'3 btw...I was ghostly looking, and I realized this disease was a whole lot bigger and stronger than I thought it was...Its such a decieving and manipulating disease....U are ur own worst enemy and it sucks...Only u can control what u think and what u do, yet the way the disease makes u think makes u do the things u kno arent good for u.....I apologize if im rambling, but my point is, u need to get help, u need to face whatever issues led u to this disease and try ur hardest to overcome it, because if u ignore it and deny it, it will take over ur life, and trust me, its not the life u would wanna live....Hun, I have never made myself sick, never purged once....Yet the enamel of my teeth has slowly weakened and broken down and about a month ago I started a 6 month process, yes *six* months to basically reconstruct each tooth from all the damage I caused.....The damage my stomach acids caused from me not eating..Who the hell would have thought *not* eating would screw up ur teeth?!..Now if all of that damage was done without purging...Can u imagine what the outcome will be if I was purging? Hun, please get help, u dont want to have to deal with all of the reprocussions for the rest of ur life...Im here for u if u ever wanna talk, or if u just need to vent....I wish u the best of luck, stay strong and never give up!
