Ok this is what happened

after I posted my whats wrong with me, I got a text message from paul about a half in hour later. Its like he can hear what im thinking so weird. Anyways, the text said "can you come over?" and I texted him back saying "sorry you texted the wrong person" then he said "no it was the right person" then I thought omg something is wrong! Its 4:30 in the morning! So I had him call me, he told me nothing was wrong (even though his dad was in the hospital) so I went over there I had no sleep and I had to work at 10. I went over there and as soon as I saw him. I knew. I cant go through this with matt. So I went over there and gave him a huge and I could feel my heart breaking but I was happy seeing him. He told me how sorry he was and everything he felt. He thought by pushing me away he could forget about me and he thought if we were still friends, he would want me back and he realizes he made a mistake. Well we non-stopped talk till 8am. Then..... The unthinkable happened. He kissed me. (oh and he knows about me and matt) and after he kissed me he looked me in the eye and said "i love you so much kindra" and I just started crying. I told him "i love you too" when I kissed him, everything came fully back. I had to leave so he told me to call him right when I got off of work. After work I called matt and broke everything off. I know I hurt him and I feel so bad that I did but I cant be with him and having wedding plans if im in love with another man. I went to pauls house after work and we just cuddled and we talked about what we wanted. I told him that I cant be with him, I cant be with anyone. He told me he wasnt been with anyone. He drinks to forget about me. So right now we have an extremely close friendship. And to be honest I feel amazing right now. Im going to college alone. I wanna get through college alone. Im going to have me time, I need time alone. As for me and paul, we will be together again one day, when were both ready.