Wow! You’ve got a lot of issues! From what I can tell from your post, you are on a major guilt trip, and I think the religious bits of your upbringing may have something to do with that.
First off, when you’re 18 yrs old there’s nothing wrong with being a sex maniac! Wanting to medical question everybody and everything is part of being a curious teenager full of hormones! There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t stress about it. Christians wouldn’t agree, but they are a dying breed; if god didn’t want us to medical question he wouldn’t have made us so damn horny, he wouldn’t have given us the passion and lust that make us human beings. Satan has nothing to do with it; sex is a perfectly natural human trait. Those strict god-fearing bible-bashers are the most sexually repressed people around, and they’re perverted no namers as well. You called it a ‘twisted face of happiness’, which is an excellent description of the religious bigots who preach morality while they molest alter boys.
You are confusing sex and love. They are two different things; wanting to medical question the brains out of someone is different to loving someone. You’ve probably been taught that sex is a special thing that should be reserved for you one true love, therefore when you enjoy doing it someone you feel guilty because you don’t love them. On the other hand, people you love don’t turn you on sexually, so you again feel bad. One day you will find a person that you’re able to love as a human being that also does it for you between the sheets, until then you need to accept that lust and love don’t necessarily come hand-in-hand.
I get the impression you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself. Having sex with somebody gives you reassurance and makes you feel better about yourself. If somebody gives you good sex then that is a boost, but after a while all those negative feeling come back and you need it again. When a guy’s doing it you you’ve got his undivided attention, the only thing that matters to him is you; when it’s finished he rolls over and it’s back to real life.
I say all this only because i’ve been there myself. Sex addiction isn’t the problem, you have a low self-esteem and this is the real problem. I knew a girl once exactly like you. She hated herself to the point where she would take a razor blade to her arms and legs. She would regularly take overdoses and end up in the local a and e. She would have sex with anybody who took an interest, and she eventually got a particularly nasty disease. She saw herself as a worthless piece of scum. Actually, she was the most stunningly attractive young woman you would ever like to meet, a beautiful and intelligent person who would have gone very far in different circumstances. Yet her self-hatred took over her life. She’s dead now, found in a scummy bedsit with a needle in her arm, a life wasted.
So my message to you is this: enjoy the sex, don’t feel guilty about it. Explore your sexuality, even if this exploration takes you to dark places. Realise that guilt is a negative thing, you’ve got a right as a human being to explore your sexuality and it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. Above all, realise that you are a beautiful person who deserves to be loved, and you will find that love one day; in the meantime enjoy life to the full, party and laugh and medical question until you drop.
You’re not really that messed up at all. You are confused, so what? Join the club! You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, make the most of it!
