Well killing yourself certainly won't bring happiness to anyone, including you. The fact that you are here shows that you want some help, and thats a good sign :p

i doubt you fail at everything. You are suffering from depression, and that pesky disorder has a knack for making us see the bad only. The good is there, and you're just going to have to search for it. Finding it could take a little work, but wouldn't be it worth it?


Make an effort to meet boys(or a girl, I can't really tell by your name alone, sorry :p) hang out with your friends more often, focus on something you are good at (artwork, music, writing, or something. Everyone has something like that :p)

also, might I suggest telling one of your closer parents about this? I'm willing to be they love you enough to do anything in their power to help you...And if you think they'd be unreasonable, try talking to one of your friends?

If everything is rock bottom, it can only get better right? I hope things work out for you!

I know killing myself won't solve anything. I just am so tempted to do it sometimes. It feels right to do it almost, but I just cut myself, that the futherest i've gone but i'm kinda scared I might go futher one day. And I do try to good at the bright side of things, its just always comes out negitive. I mean I had a boyfriend and he was prefect and I know he loved me a lot, and I broke up with him not to long ago, since I didn't feel anything when I was with him.... Its kinda how I feel about everything....Empty I guess. I just hope all this pain and sadness and everything goes away, cuz I hate it!!! Thanks for replying too.....Hope to hear from you soon

Hey.
I actually joined the forum with something else completely on my mind,
but I won't get into it as it's not relivant.
Anyway, I saw your post and, as probably other did when they read it,

i saw right away that I feel the same way exactly a lot of the time.
I have depression and ocd - they don't go too well together at times.

After a while of treating a previous set of symptoms relating to some
head trauma I received (several unrelated instances actually [not abuse])
when I was very young, the depression started to surface.

After living about 8 months with severe ocd symptoms and tendancies
bordering on schitzophrenia (if I spelled that right), I came away
recovered from that, but with a serious lack of motivation and cognative
function.

I've finally gone back on ritalin (which I stopped myself shortly before
the 8 months), and after long last am receiving treatment for depression.

I'm taking celexa and receiving christian counselling (i'm a christian so
that's why I prefer that, but there are others available if you don't believe
the spiritual aspect).

I knew pretty well everything that the councilling brought to surface, but
for some strange reason, I feel so much better having someone who is
trained to do this job to talk to. I've learned some new things that have
helped as well, but really just talking with someone who knows what
he or she is doing and whom you don't have any fear of opening up to
i think is very helpful - at least it was for me.

Anyway, I hear you about the crappy lot in life you've found you have.
I've cried a lot about mine - and found some pretty good examples that
i'm right. However, I have sort of figured that bad junk happens for
everyone, some more and others less. Having problems in the way
we deal with life and emotions make things seem worse yeah, but also
can actually make things worse if never dealt with. I became so
lathargic that I screwed myself out of a paid-for university education,
a possible career, and who knows what else.

I am now engaged to a wonderful woman who amazingly has stuck by
me through some pretty hard times in the past few months and helped
me a great deal. I've learned that crying is sometimes unavoidable,
but if you never try to fix things, ie going to a doctor and getting
some councilling or something else, then you're only going to get worse
and worse.

You're probably a beautiful person with all sorts of great thoughts and
a wonderful heart. It's bs when people like that get screwed in the end,
and i'm really sorry that stuff has gone badly for you. Please go see a
doctor and lay it all out. All of it, don't hold back anything, and participate
in your own treatment. If you think someone he or she says is wrong,
tell them, just don't switch off. I for so long didn't want to take any
meds or do anything but try to fix my own stuff, it didn't work.

You are a great human being, and there are a lot of people who love you.

I hope i've not just blabbered on, and I hope that you can take something
from what i've said

Joining this forum is probably one of the best things i've every done. It makes me feel like a someone, kinda. Its a relief to share what i've been going though and know i'm not the only one like this out there. So in a sence I kinda don't feel that alone. Just hearing your situations and stuff helps. I just really hate how I feel, I want help, i'm just to scared to ask for it though, to scare to say something about it. Cuz what am I suppose to say." hey mom and dad I feel like crap all the time and I hate my life and I cut myself all the time, I thinkyou should take me to a tharapist or something" I don't know how to say something about it. I like cry everynight and sometimes I don't know why. I just do its so werid. I know for a fact that isn't normal too, nothing I do is normal. You think I would be a happy person concidering that I am well known in school, mostly though sports and have so many of my friendly care about me and they always try to help, when they know something isn't right.
Its nice to know that i'm not the only one that crys alot and at least you have someone close to you to talk too, I mean i'm not going to talk to my friends about all this or anyone, because they all think i'm some happy perfect girl with no problems, in a sence I don't want that image of what they think of me to go away.Cuz when i'm with them I try so hard to have fun with them, and on the inside i'm saying "ok when can I go home" you think I should be having fun. But I don't I just want help!! I feel trap in my own body if that makes sence. Thats way I jion this forum, to at least vent about stuff, so I don't bottle it all up. Well thanks for your thoughts

Wow, I really know how you feel...

I am 30 now but I celebrated my 15th birthday in a hospital after I tried to kill myself
i had all the same feelings you had, but didn't know how to tell anyone...

I hated myself, thought I was fat, ugly, stupid...And so many other negative things
let me tell you, 15 years later, I think about those years and I realize man I was sooooo cute and pretty and had a nice body and had sooooo much going for me...Teenage years suck...Really, I can tell you I had so much and because those years are so f*#@*#@ difficult it is impossible to see yourself clearly and to deal with anything
i don't know what kind of advice to give ya that won't sound totally lame, but
believe me, I speak from experience of multiple suicide attempts, depression and misery:
if you were to talk to someone, reach out and ask for help somehow anyway you can, I promise, things will start looking better...

If not, you could end up like silly ole' me who spent 10 years on and off in misery/depression/hospitals until I could finally reach out, get some help and see that
damn i'm pretty rockin' and all that horrible sad depresssion and low self esteem is soooooo lame...

Please, I am here for you, will listen all ya want...Whatever I can do...Don't go thru what i've been thru...It's so stupid, I was so blind and so so sooooo sad...You don't have to live that way...I swear!

Sharon

I wish I didn't have to live this way...I don't know how to make these thought and feelings go away. I'm being such an @$$ to my parents now too, I get anger and irritable more often and every day I feel like getting out... Like as in running away or killing myself I think about it all the time. And lately i've been doing poorly in school and i'm getting behind in all my classes. I guess it doesn't help that I don't go to school sometimes just cuz I don't want too. I wish I could be normal. I should be having fun, and hanging out and talking and all that.... But no I just keep to myself more and more... I hate it when people talk to me now too.. I get so... Anger.. I guess at them, but the thing is they did nothing wrong.
The things is thou I don't even know if I have depression or not.... All I know is that I feel this way and I can't really controll it. Is it bad that I feel like killing myself or running away everyday? Is it because I have depression and I don't really know it...? If I have depression, is that what make me cut myself? And if I do have it what am I suppose to do to fix it? I just don't know anything anymore.... I just want to end everything so I don't have to know anything or do anything to fix all the stupid mistakes i've done. But ya anyways thanks for the reply, concern and your experience about it ...Hope to hear from you again

Ahhhhh!!!! I hate myself, i'm such an fool... I just cut myself again and I hate it when I do stupid things like that, but I still do it cuz it makes me feel better. It releases the tensions and stresses i've been doing though. I just wish there was another way I could do it, cuz it kinda is stinging and hurting now, I mean like when I do it it doesn't really hurt, or like I don't really feel it, but now it stings and now I have to try hideing it from my parents and everyone else. I just wish I could just run away and never come back. I would kinda even want to just disappear.....I hate being here now......I just wish I felt my life was worth liveing. Cuz I mean people think my life is prefect and everything and if they think that I should see that and want to live but I don't think my life is all that great. I hate having two presonalities too. When i'm with friends I feel I have to be this happy girl cuz thats what they accept, but inside i'm wanting to get away from everything. I rather just stay in my room all day if I had they choice. Also my school work and hw and test have been going down the tube too. I guess its because I tend to sleep on top of my hw instead of doing it...But o well, my parents are getting on my case too, after they saw my progress report this friday...Just cuz i'm getting like b's and c's and not a's like I usually do. Ooo well I think I just needed to vent but ya I really wish I knew whats wrong with me....I'm starting to feel really confused About everything...............

I really think it would help if you went to someone close to you and let them know how you've been feeling. I guarantee there is someone close to you that is willing to help you any way they can. They just don't know you need it because you are putting on a happy face when you are around others. My husband was keeping his feelings of suicide from me and it blew up into an argument before he said anything about it to me. I didn't know he needed the help because he never told me how he was feeling. You might think you're parents don't care, but they don't know whats going on with you if you're not telling them.. Maybe they'd be more understanding and get you the help you need. Just know that you are never alone.. There is always someone watching out for you.. Hope you can find the help you are looking for.. :d

Why dont you smoke a joint or something -i know thats not the best advice but... Cutting yourself?You are 16 life sucks balls when you are 16-or atleast you think it does til you are older---and if you arent haveing fun with your current friends get new ones--

Hon, I know that things are bleak right now but listening to the advice to smoke a joint won't make things better. Self medication is not the answer and will lead to even more problems. Talk to a counselor, a friend, anyone ....Write in a journal....But please don't start taking drugs to make yourself feel better.
I'm not anti marijuana at all, don't get me wrong, but I strongly believe that when you are affected by depression the wrong thing to do is take a drug which is a depressant. It's like getting drunk to try to feel better, it doesn't solve anything.
Okay, i'll get off my soapbox now.

Maybe there is someone at school you could talk to. A teacher you like, or a counselor.

Hey stasia are you a doctor? Didnt think so-so dont give medical advice -i- on the otherhand am a pothead-so step off

Well thanks for your reply and your suggestions on what to do to help myself through this. But the thing is ya I know I should go talk to someone close to me and tell them what is going on but i'm scared of what they are going to think about me, like with the whole cutting issue thing, and then how in the world am I going to bring it up, ooo by the why i'm feeling weird lately, I think I have depression , what do I do , I just don't know how to tell someone, I just so use to keeping my feelings hidden and no one knows till I finally just can't hold it in, I either cry or get really angry. But I don't know... I have been wrighting in a journal and I guess that helps... But I still feel like caca..... And trap about the joint, I won't even know where to even get one let alone get money to buy one... So I don't think i'm going too. Lol but thanks for the advice. Keep in touch.

lmao!!!

This is going to take a little while to write:
when I was 12 I had a really messed up friend (let's call her mindy) who lied about everything and attempted suicide and everything and cut herself- I don't mean this is the only reason she was messed up- she accuses almost everyone she meets of raping her, a complete attention prostitute (it is difficult to put into words just how incredibally obnoxios she was), she is anorexic & bullemic, is way way dramatic and really just needs to get a life & stop complaining so much... Anyway, mindy is a person who seems quite attractive at first because she's loud and silly around everyone at first and and makes you feel accepted (especially if you were me at 12/13 with somewhat low self esteem), but after you get to know her she pulls you into this dark world where depression is cool and bulemia is 'chic'. I went through a short period where I thought I was depressed- I had to force myself to be just because I wanted to be cool (like I thought mindy was), but it was the most retarted thing I ever did. After about a year and a half I got tired of mindy's constant whining about being "fat" (she was 5'8" and weighed around 110 lbs), and her stupid jokes ( I can't see why I ever thought they were funny), and lies about everyone (plus she hit on me alot- I have nothing at all against homo or bi sexuality but she really diddn't know people's boundaries), and I started just being a complete smart alec to her (which I don't regret and I look back on with laughter). And eventually she started trying to send me on guilt trips about being a sarcastic health forum and of course she turned her new posse against me and started the most idiotic middle school drama you could imagine. So we had our stupid problems and I was very very angry for a long time, and made new (and much better friends), then eventually (by about the end of the summer after that 8th grade) I started hanging out with my brother alot more (who was about 19 at the time) and through a combo of his wisdom, my brother in law's wisdom, and all the stuff I got on my own, I started learning just how to be the person I wanted to be. I stopped being such an fool and started laughing at everything. I choose friends that accept me for me (my personality is now mockingly cocky, very individual, clever, and somewhat silly) and have fun making up whatever silliness I can think of to entertain my brain. I try to ignore and avoid any form of drama (not the theatre, folks) and I tend to feel alot better. If you're sad or your confidence is down, i'd try the following things.

find the things in society that really bother you (ex: emo music, good 'ole boys, whatever) and jokingly mock the caca out of it, laughing until you cry.

play great music in your head (i suggest the dandy warhols for confidence) and walk to the beat (this works great in the halls of highschool, walk around like you own the place and you're the coolest person you know, but don't be inconsiderate- no one likes a health forum character)

wear clothes that makes you feel good about yourself

i've found the soda that makes me feel cool (lol) is jones soda ( in the glass bottle) you can get them at target (try foo foo berry soda or melon crush) and drink it out in public in a pin striped jacket and lightly smokey eye makeup.

don't worry about anything. Stress should be obliterated- it's really not hard if you don't make it.

watch some good movies. I suggest the following: kill bill, deuces wild, snatch, trainspotting, princess mononoke (it's a cartoon but it's beautiful), quigley down under, and well i'll think of some later... Haha

talk to me- aim me at 'chickenbooty sex' i'll do my best to make you feel better (i'm in the central time zone btw)

as far as failing goes, remember- you cannot fall unless you climbed in the first place.

I don't know what your specific problems with your life are but remember that you are the only you and the only one who has power over you so you can change yourself as much as you want to if you really want to.

Recently, I have been going to school where I am faced with 'mindy' every day, and if she says anything to me I come back with something logical and cocky that can not be argued with without being mean like saying "you're a prostitute and I hope you die" (lmao), and I have traded the christian religion I was raised with with nietzsche's (i think that spelling's right haa) philosophical stylings.
(here's some good stuff here) "nietzsche belived that the fact that life is meaningless was not a reason for angst or depression but a cause for celebration, artistic fervor, and self creation." - some website
(because then what expectations do you have to meet? What restrictions do you have? I belive that statement is so liberating- "life is meaningless")

but sorry I just made one long ass post... Btw- the name bjbaby4u is an example of my joking personality. I would never realistically make a screen name like that but hey what the hell, all the more to laugh at.
-cait

Lmao- every time I posted "b.I- .C.H" it put 'health question' hahahaa

Hi chilipekine,

i just read all your postings and all I can say is 13-17 year olds probably need more parental guidance than 3-7 year olds in some ways. I think you should talk to your favorite teacher or a counselor at school (someone you admire/trust) and see how they can help you to approach your parents about the cutting issue and other problems you are experiencing. It's hard being your age and it's hard being a parent of someone your age. If your parents are decent people, which i'm assuming they are, I would sit down with whichever one you are closer to and let them know how you are feeling and ask them to bring you to a therapist. You don't have to bring up the cutting thing yet, but tell them you are feeling extremely depressed and feel you need to see a professional to help you get back on track emotionally. Then I would definitely tell the therapist about the cutting and whatever else you are feeling and go from there. It's so hard to be 16. But you will mature and life will get better, but only if you are proactive in helping yourself. You need to get professional help!! Don't smoke joints/cigarettes/drinking, etc. That's just bad advise and not going to help the problems you are having. Perhaps join a gym or workout at home, join a sports team. Exercise really helps better your mental state of mind and a good diet helps also. Get to a professional please!! Good luck to you>>>