We have our answers within ourselves,we just need to be ready to hear them.I wish you and the kids the best.You are right,you all deserve better.Best to all of you.Patty

I have contemplated divorce numerous times over the 16 years of my marriage. I am doing it again. When I have a disagreement with my wife it seems that she has to go through a character assasination of me then start throwing in all kinds of issues from the past that have nothing to do with the disagreement.

For example, I had an opportunity for a job but it might have meant relocating. The recruiter said that, before continuing on with interviews, to talk it over with my spouse to see if I was truly ready to make a commitment to relocate. This sounded reasonable to me. So, before bringing it up with my spouse, I felt a tinge of anxiety. True to my feelings, it turned into a big deal. She was against it of course. But instead of just telling me that she went off on some other ideas that I brought up with her and accused me of trying to sabotage her life of contentment, telling me that I am so unsettled, etc, etc... All I wanted was an answer. Are you interested or are you not?

Then the next day she said that we should get out and do something this weekend because we have 4 days. I suggested a night up at the ski slopes. She said "why don't you just call one of your friends and ask them to go?" since this runs completely counter to us doing something together, I was upset so I left the room. Whenever I get upset I need to get away from her for fear that it will escalate. I made it to work and she left a few nasty voice mails for me which I deleted without listening to and then called her. I explained that I was upset because I felt rejected by her suggesting that I go with my friends instead of her and my daughter. She went off on how she was going to look for a job this weekend and wanted some help with her resume instead. Well, the job issue was one that we made an agreement on after much emotional energy was spent. Basically we agreed that it would be best for the family for her to wait until next fall when my daughter starts junior high. I think she knew that this was important to me so she used it as a weapon in our disagreement this morning. But that is how it usually goes between us. I decided a long time ago to stay for my daughter. I thought maybe the marriage might get better. It hasn't. We've been through marriage counseling. I've been through individual therapy. But she still has this need to go on the offensive in a big way when she feels that I am upset about something. It's almost like crushing your opponent before they have a chance to possibly get their way on something. I'm confused. Is this abuse? Am I somehow to blame? Does this stuff happen in healthy relationships? I never dated somebody for more than 3 months before I met my wife - I was only 21. I loved her very deeply and we've been through alot together. But the goodwill (and love) is wearing thin and I am very discouraged. Somehow I feel that it is a lost cause.

I really want to keep this short, because it is real simple. Most people want to change but they don't because the changes that are needed are so deep and so hard to accomplish. To all of you I suggest that you move on, calmly and with dignity and most of all planning in a way that makes it easy on your and your kids. I have been doing this routine for 25 years and have a 19 yo daughter. I kept saying it would get better. It hasn't.

There are good reasons, on both sides, that it hasn't. We have both tried, but we started out in too deep of an emotional hole. No one to "blame". It is the way we were brought up, with a lot of pain and trauma, and the way our parents were brought up, and theirs, ad nauseum. Break the chain and get away. Find a healthier mate or go it alone. But stop doing the co-dependancy cycle before you are 50 and facing less options, as I am now.

I stayed home and homeschooled our daughter so I have no work experience and few prospects. He has all the experience but his industry is computers and has gone over seas. He was too insecure to get a degree, although he had the time and the money when we were just married -- I did everything I could to get him to see that he needed a degree, we had many horrible fights over this and other stuff that I was seeing that needed improvement and work. Well he admits it now but it is too late, and he still has no confidence to improve. He has no job prospects in over a year of unemployment, is spending all of my inheritiance like it is always going to be there and he is seriously losing his grip on reality due to the stress of our poor relationship and his career going down the tubes.

I can't pull him out of the hole any longer and feel that it is time for me to face the music. We kept it together for the sake of our mutual insecurity and now it is very late in the game. But there is still a game left and people to be in relationship with that are more on my emotional level. I just need to work on my own plans and forget about working on him. It has not helped enough in 25 years and he has taken a lot out of me.


Don't expect anyone to change. Expect a better person to come along, they are out there and expecting them will attract them. Settling for less out of fear is a mistake. That is what I did and I regretted it almost immediately but thought I could make it better. I was wrong. He will never get better. But I think I can and the first step is admitting I made a huge mistake marrying someone like this in the first place. I was alone and just afraid and lonely, and feeling weak. Well what did not kill me made me stronger. I am making plans.