my name is joann, and I am 37 years old. I am single, a virgin with no prior sexual experience other than abuse, and because I am also mildly learning and developmentally delayed, I currently live with both parents for living assistance because I am unable to work, drive a car, or live on my own without help. However, my father and I are not close, and I don't believe we ever will be, either. He is hurtful and emotionally abusive, impatient, accuatory, judgemental, hostile, unapproachable (meaning I can't talk to him about my feelings without feeling either misunderstood, mocked, laughed at, judged, accused, ignored, or two inches tall), and unreasonable. He also has a temper and is prone to negative, nonviolent outbursts, so he is often scary to be around. From the time I was five years old and until I was twenty-eight, my father molested me, exposed me to pornography, and encouraged me to develop homosexual feelings and desires for other women. I now currently am getting over a homosexual crush on a female friend of mine who is married and does not want to have sex with me, plus I am also currently getting over body hatred, the desire to have an enlarged clitoris, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. I was treated for behavioral and school problems in a children's psychiatric hospital and a group home as a teenager, but because I was also abused there physically, sexually, and emotionally by both the boys and some of the male staff members at both facilities, I am unable to trust any man, male doctors and specialists included (unless a female nurse or assistant is present at all times), with my body, therefore I have decided to remain a virgin and never date, get married, have children, or become sexually active. I am also a christian (i became one on april 21, 2002), so i'd rather be happy living under god's presence than be with a man, anyway. I am, however, extremely thankful I was never raped, and I hope I never am so that my virginity can remain intact. My sexual orientation will always remain in question, though, because I don't consider myself gay, straight, or bisexual. I believe I may be asexual, because I am somewhat immature for my age, and I have no desire for partner sex at all. Well, my female friend (the one I have the crush on) is my only exception despite her "just friends and sisters in christ" feelings for me, and I have had other homosexual crushes prior to hers in which I wished for and fantasized about having sexual contact with. Anyway, to make a long story short, i've been through a lot, came out a survivor and no longer a victim (thanks to god's miraculous healing powers!), I still have a long way to go concerning my healing process, and I would like to know if there are any other women out there (including in this forum) who have undergone traumatic experiences simular to mine. Oh, and I also experience seasonal depression (winter always brings me down despite my efforts to maintain a positive attitude and outlook on life), and yes, I have (and still occasionaly experience) had suicidal thoughts and attempts, but now I get over them pretty quickly once I am reminded how important and worthwhile I am as a human being, especially in god's eyes. Thank you, and please reply soon!