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Depression Due to Sexual Abuse & Other Traumatic Events

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Crying or Very sad my name is joann, and I am 37 years old. I am single, a virgin with no prior sexual experience other than abuse, and because I am also mildly learning and developmentally delayed, I currently live with both parents for living assistance because I am unable to work, drive a car, or live on my own without help. However, my father and I are not close, and I don't believe we ever will be, either. He is hurtful and emotionally abusive, impatient, accuatory, judgemental, hostile, unapproachable (meaning I can't talk to him about my feelings without feeling either misunderstood, mocked, laughed at, judged, accused, ignored, or two inches tall), and unreasonable. He also has a temper and is prone to negative, nonviolent outbursts, so he is often scary to be around. From the time I was five years old and until I was twenty-eight, my father molested me, exposed me to pornography, and encouraged me to develop homosexual feelings and desires for other women. I now currently am getting over a homosexual crush on a female friend of mine who is married and does not want to have sex with me, plus I am also currently getting over body hatred, the desire to have an enlarged clitoris, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. I was treated for behavioral and school problems in a children's psychiatric hospital and a group home as a teenager, but because I was also abused there physically, sexually, and emotionally by both the boys and some of the male staff members at both facilities, I am unable to trust any man, male doctors and specialists included (unless a female nurse or assistant is present at all times), with my body, therefore I have decided to remain a virgin and never date, get married, have children, or become sexually active. I am also a christian (i became one on april 21, 2002), so i'd rather be happy living under god's presence than be with a man, anyway. I am, however, extremely thankful I was never raped, and I hope I never am so that my virginity can remain intact. My sexual orientation will always remain in question, though, because I don't consider myself gay, straight, or bisexual. I believe I may be asexual, because I am somewhat immature for my age, and I have no desire for partner sex at all. Well, my female friend (the one I have the crush on) is my only exception despite her "just friends and sisters in christ" feelings for me, and I have had other homosexual crushes prior to hers in which I wished for and fantasized about having sexual contact with. Anyway, to make a long story short, i've been through a lot, came out a survivor and no longer a victim (thanks to god's miraculous healing powers!), I still have a long way to go concerning my healing process, and I would like to know if there are any other women out there (including in this forum) who have undergone traumatic experiences simular to mine. Oh, and I also experience seasonal depression (winter always brings me down despite my efforts to maintain a positive attitude and outlook on life), and yes, I have (and still occasionaly experience) had suicidal thoughts and attempts, but now I get over them pretty quickly once I am reminded how important and worthwhile I am as a human being, especially in god's eyes. Thank you, and please reply soon!
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replied April 30th, 2008
In Response to your Message
Yes there are Thousands upon Thousands that have expierenced the same as you ......... If your still using this Forum, could I ask you to look me up on myspace .......
go to the search link, then in Find a Friend click Display Name then click type in Face of Abuse, you should then see my profile..
I have loads of people that have been through the same as you and other kinds of Abuse..
We are all working together to bring awareness and hekp stop abuse ...
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replied May 1st, 2008
Experienced User
Sorry, just you...NO GOD
Im terribly sorry to hear about your past but i honestly dont think any god miracously helped you in any way. Your on your own hon, not meaning thats bad. If you have feelings for the same sex???.....so what... its a natural thing, most people are too ashamed to admit it but its no big deal. If thats whats meant to be so theres nothing wrong with it. Ive tried both but deep in my heart i knew i needed a man to give me the little girl that i always wanted. Luckily i found the man and now have the family i always dreamed off. IT WILL HAPPEN if you belive in that. Dont waste your time on some god to make you feel better. Just believe in what you want and before you know it it WILL HAPPEN!!! Good luck and believe in yourself, your amazing.
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replied May 1st, 2008
Experienced User
Home life
About your current situation at home, it NEEDS to change. From what you have written i dont think you are slow nor un-capable or anything but. Please go ahead and follow Face_of_Abuse advice, he sounds like they might help. Otherwise please get in touch with Social Services or battered women or some help-line that CAN refer you to some-one that can help you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE...and there IS A LIGHT AT the end of the tunnel
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replied May 1st, 2008
Experienced User
Help numbers
Me again but if you dont get help please phone 1 800 7842433 They are a help-line i just found in the phone-book. Please dont hesitate to click on my forum (my name) and write me a personal message. I want to help....please hang in there!!!!
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