I don't know what to do anymore, I guess this is the only place left to find some kind of solution. I'm just so damn tired of being alive, I sometimes wonder why I was given life in the first place, it seems stupid. I just wish I knew what to do, which is why i'm writing this on the odd chance somebody else has gone through this and came out somehow. Every day is the same old crap, I don't have any friends because of my social anxiety disorder (pills don't work, i've tried 'em all). For 3 years i've had no social contact, no friends. And for god sake, i'm 19 years old and don't even have a girlfriend, I doubt I ever will, I doubt i'll ever have any kind of relationship. Every day is just another day of being alone. I'm ok with just one person, but I hate being in groups. And to make matters worse I can't seem to find anybody with half a brain. I'm not being pretentious, thinking i'm just so above everybody, but everyone in my age group I can't relate to because they're so stupid. They can't think beyond smoking weed, drinking at parties, screeching around in their cars, picking up chicks, all that shallow crap. I feel like i'm 10 years ahead of everyone in my age group mentally, but of course people would think i'm just pretentious if I said that.
But what can I do? Isn't there somebody in the world who can think beyond the shallow, stupid teen mentallity? I'm so sick of being alone every waking second, but I don't know how to make friends, and I would be even more unhappy forcing myself into the typical sh*thead group. The only reason I don't die now is because of all the people i'd hurt in my family, but living seems so pointless now.
Mike, all I can tell you is that it will be okay, just relax a little. You know, when I was your age (i'm now 24) I had a very similar situation - having a hard time finding someone else to relate to. I was even in the midst of a long term serious relationship at the time, and found I couldn't even relate to my boyfriend (wow, a big clue then - not the right guy). Anyway, even when I thought I met someone to talk to etc... I would just find us to be on a totally different page, usually I found them kinda'... Well... Shallow. When I went to school at ut, I felt very alone. Too old for everyone else. I recall often looking at others and being upset, b/c i'd see all these people, but all they had to offer was there exterior. Like everyone had these glazed look in their eyes, and nothing could be found beneath those eyes. No deep thoughts or feelings, no self analyzation, little thought for others.
I had always felt out of place with others my age (or give or take a few years). I still feel that way sometimes. Though now I feel i've relaxed, which makes others relax. So when I hang out with people now, they know how I am... I'm the 'old soul' in the group. And that's kinda' cool...
So yeah... I've learned to ease up on people a bit... Accept them for who they are. I believe, without realizing it, I was setting my standards to an almost unattainable status for others to have to live up to, so that I could be with someone 'more on my level'...But after I lowered the bar a little, I found I relaxed around others a bit more, they sensed that... And would relax around me. Then they would open up a bit more, and turns out though to most they act immature, party a lot, seem shallow, etc... They do have more to them. Sometimes it takes a person like yourself, a more mature individual, to bring there maturity out. So think of it like this: you have the power to bring out another persons potential.
But if you put up such an unbreakable wall (i think you might) , they will too. It's hard to explain... I know it's hard what you're going through... It was so hard for me too. But I made it and you will too. Just hang in there. Try to relax around others. Good friends really are few and far between... But you will find them, and it will be when and where you least expect it. I too suffered greatly from social anxiety and still do from time to time. I don't believe forcing yourself to go to parties and stuff will really do the trick, I think finding atleast one other friend to hang out with, and then maybe going to a party (make it a small get together) with that person might make things a bit easier. You don't have to be a great talker or anything with a lot of other people, just do a bit more observing. And try to let your shield down a bit, and I bet you'll find some friendly people that will approach you on a more personal note at a party or whatever, and that should lead to a few good conversations.... You will be okay. And try not to worry so much over a girlfriend...You will have one. I know things can get lonely, and we all yearn to have that other person to share things with. But it is better to wait for the right one then just take someone to attempt to ease the loneliness, etc... B/c if you just take someone, anyone whom you don't really connect with, you will feel even more alone with that person than just yourself. Trust me on this. And dear, just what makes you so sure that you won't have a girlfriend? I'm pretty sure you will... We (girls) like smart guys, we do... Well most of us anyway. But we don't like guys that put up unpenatratable walls, or whom are so bitter that we can't seem to reach the sweetness in them... Keep your head up. Now tell me, what kind of things do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Reading, swimming, internet,etc...??? What things interest you??? If you don't mind answering of course... those things can help too. For example, if you love to read, a good place to find others like you would be at a library, or barnes and noble, etc... Well, you know these things... Anyway... Hey, smile mike. :d you just got this girl over here in houston, texas to type you quite a lengthy novel over here, even though she's absolutely exhausted and can barely keep her eyes open... :d
My ex boyfriend used to have a horrifying anxiety problem, way worse than mine. Anyway, he said that one thing that helped him (and no,this was not an overnight thing) was that he had to just take a deep breathe before going into a social situation, and then exhale... And just do it. Get into that social situation... And once there... Things would ease up a bit. You've got to find a way to realize, that most people aren't paying that much damn attention anyway. Lol... That's a big thing with social anxiety... Believing others will be observing closely, judging you,etc... When the truth is... Nope, not really... So you can relax.
it's been a few years since you did this posting and I hope you are enjoying life a bit more. Read up on 'OLD SOULS'. It's interesting and could very well apply to you. Take a look at the link below. Also check out a link called 'WORDS OF PEACE' by Prem Rawat. I always find his message inspiring.
It's interesting that on this site as with many others there are many people under 25 years old all stating their depression, loneliness etc and wishing to end their lifes even though they have ionly just started in real terms.
Wait till you're double that age,, believe me life gets worse. I've been divorced twice, failed in various other relationships, had a heart attack , a stroke that has resulted in clinical appathy, my business is failing due to the current ecomonic climate and |'m losing my house. Despite being nearly 50 I have no friends, no family.
You know when life is no longer worth living when you can ask yourself if your demise would actually affect anyone else and the returning answer is no !
Just have to say that I'm still only 29 years old - getting up there but still enough time to find solace if I can - but I too, ask myself that question: if I were to kill myself, would anyone even miss me? Would it affect anyone else?
Sure my parents would be devastated at the loss of me, but I was nothing but a disappointment to them anyway so it's not like I brought a whole lot of ANYTHING to their lives. Plus my Mom treated me like garbage my whole life.
Honestly I had a bad spell last night where I very, very seriously and calmly contemplated ODing and killing myself.
Sometimes life just seems so pointless and lonely, and unnecessarily painful. Why not just end it all?
I do have one friend who might really miss me if I were to kill myself, but she'd bounce back. she's just that kind of person.
I really strongly believe that my death would just be a little pointless 'blip' in the bigger scheme of things.
had_enough, I would say it does not take being double the age of 25 to have such a life. I'm not yet 40 and I have survived things that my mind can not let go. Until you walk in the shoes of someone else you cannot fully make that statement. I have survived abuse, buried my mother from a successful suicide before I even started 1st grade and inherited her major depressive disorder, lost her family in the aftermath, have been molested, survived death barely, lost every darn thing I ever had in the world to a divorce after 12 years and left in a city all alone, most of my family will not associate with me because of my depression, and I have been living/ taking care of myself since I was 16. I am 37 and have no friends. And I live with several chronic diseases. I am not trying to be persnickety but you really should not tell people that an age is the limiting factor to the hell their life can be. I think if you are going to post it should be of some help.
that's such a trite response to someone in pain. you have no idea what this is like. I'm 65 and have struggled with it for over 50 years and people with your attitude trivialize those of us whose every waking moment is a battle to take another breath because we can't think of a single reason to do so.
Some depression is biochemical, cannot be treated with therapy, and often meds don't help.
All we can hold on to is the knowledge that going through the suffering ourselves protects those we love from the never-ending guilt cause by suicide.
Please think before you toss off glib answers to very real problems.
I'm very sick and tired of being alive. No matter what I do or try everything just keeps getting worse. All I want to is find a way that will guarantee my death in a painless way. Too bad you can't buy the exit bags anymore... if only I had found those 4 years ago, I'd be dead and finally have peace. The worst thing is worrying that it won't work and you'll find yourself still here. The only other way out I've found might not work, which is the only reason I'm still here.
I'm sick of the medical problems, I'm sick of people not caring, I'm sick of having to bear so much alone and I'm sick of all the places I've gone for help not working or making things worse- there are a lot of jerk doctors, counselors, physical therapists and surgeons out there.
I tried to do everything to stay, but Earth has become for me hell. I do not know - if I made my life so or it was my destiny. I do not know whether my suffering will end with death, or I expect eternal torments of hell - and therefore to me is doubly scary. I know that suicide is the worst thing that can make a man - in relation to oneself, to close people and to the world. For this, I despise myself.
P.S. One day I wrote this text, but survived. Later I realized that hours is always darkest before the dawn come. I realized that if survive these painful dawn time, sooner or later, darkness becomes light.
I like this post that i recently found,hope translation is right
I know that you posted this quite awhile ago but I just had to comment. I am twenty years old and I feel as you did.
Everyday is just blah because I feel like there is nothing to live for. I honestly wish that a button could be placed in front of me and if I pressed it I would cease to exist. The only reason why I am still alive and trying is because I don't want to hurt anyone in my family. Aside from that I only have one bestfriend, and he is ten years older than me. I find if very hard to relate to people my age so I honestly do not try anymore. People are shallow, thoughtless, brainless and boring. It does seem that instead of having a deep convo or a meaningful connection, people in our generation would rather have sex with every moving thibg, drink, smoke and party. That stuff doesn't entertain me. You sound like an old soul.... it can be a hard life but you can find happiness. It doesn't sound pretentious because there is genuinely some people like ourselves that are wise beyond their years. It sounds like you need to try and make friends with people older than you.. But the anxiety is stopping You. I know what that is like....
I don't have any solutions or answers but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Someone gave some answers here, which wont answer everyone's questions, of course:
Because ppl want to be in control.., like this:
Life was empty when I was a sinner. Life was dry, life was ugly, and life was bereft of all the joy peace and fulfillment that I have in Jesus Christ. Life was also easier.
When I was a sinner, I didn’t have to think about anyone else, I set the rules, I made my own choices and if I was going to have a god…then He would be of my own creation. Sin didn’t mean anything to me.
Now I had a sense of right and wrong, and of proper and improper, and even moral and immoral; but those where like items on buffet, I could add them to my plate of ethics as I passed by, or I could leave them. I was in control. I was the big boss…..I was a mess.
the-battle-within...from God's Touch Ministry-The River's Edge