I would guess that he would have to feel pain to make a change. For instance, say you're in school, and you are putting in minimal effort--but you are still getting a's. Would you put in any more effort? Probably not.

But if you were putting in less effort than you could, and you received an f, don't you think you'd probably study more for the next test and put in lots of effort? Worse still--what if you failed out of the class, which would mean that you couldn't graduate, and you would be stuck working a menial labor job, not being able to support yourself, and living below the poverty level for the rest of your life? That would probably inspire you to make a change!

I would recommend taking away his support. Make yourself a scare commodity. Let him fall. I believe the only time he will make the change is if he falls...

My boyfriend is actually very open to listening about treatments and the such, but just the fact that I stand by his side and support him, he feels he can "buy more time" and not get into treatment right away.

I know it would be hard, and maybe even an impossible move for you, but my suggestion would be an ultimatum--one that you stick with. Explain that although you love him, you can't handle the ups and downs of the relationship, and you need to love yourself as well. You don't want to see him hurt himself, and you don't want to continue seeing yourself be hurt as well. Therefore, if he doesn't go and get help, you need to move on. Then stick by this until he gets help...

That's my suggestion. It's not fool proof, but hopefully, it will give you an idea of an option you could take.

Best of luck!

Ok there is some logic in this persons theory. But unless you can't do this to somone like this. You will make the situation worse! You will end up making him violent angry, demanding and forceful.

I was reading about the woman with a bi polar boyfriend, this sounds so much like my husband...He has highs and lows. His highs are hyper or very generous in nature, mood, romance, work projects & gambling addiction. His lows are laying around watching tv, irritable, barking about the smallest things, bad temper, easy to fight & drinking or hanging out at the bar/restaurants all day-night with a buddy at local hang out. He lies all the time, even about things that don't matter. On the good side he is very generous, good hearted, fun to be around, exciting and funny, everyone likes him. Lately though he has been working less (he owns his own business) not attending to financial responsibilities associated with work & home. Spending more time away gambling or out at the bars without calling or coming home sometimes for days...then when he returns , he is apologetic and sorry and wants to make the marriage work. I feel like a yoyo, I am so frustrated I don't know what to think. My friends all say this always happens and that I allow it. He will not seek help (his mother had bi-polar) and won't go to counseling. He usually puts in a good effort for about a month, lately this has shrunken down to weekly events. He is gone again without reason or calling for the 2nd day, exactly one week before when he said he would quit going to the bars w/friends and begged to come back. I see I am an easy sell, and this is the problem...I need to say don't come back until you get help! It's so hard 'cause I see his good side

my husband of 7 yrs is untreated bipolar because he refuses to take meds that make him into a zombie. things finally fell apart last year and we separated. he did not turn to dr. for help he started drinking and dating one of my supposed friends. it was so painful and when we did talk i could see how miserable he was but he was too proud to come back and work on this even though we love each other very deeply. This February I basically started dating my exhusband because we do genuinely have a great time together and a great connection with so much joy and love. however, monthly he has been pushing me away for a few days saying that he wants to be single then a few days without me he is back again this last weekend i had all i could take of being pushed away, it was due to happen this month so i got real angry and made a scene, shouldnt have done that but the next day, sunday; he tells me we need to take a break because we're getting too dependent on each other and that I am his one and only he loves me so much but doesnt want to argue about his ups and downs by monday he said he didnt want to be involved with me intimately because it scares him he doesnt want to get hurt like last year when i told him we needed to live in separate places and get healthy. So I ask him about it and he says that he's been thinking about this for awhile, but I do know him and 10 hours of over analyzing is awhile to him the exaggerations minimize me thinking about his fear of being hurt and end up hurting me through rejection. By tuesday he just wanted to be friends Wednesday he invited me over for dinner and a movie and wanted me to stay the night. He is so confused and I cannot figure out how to help him and how to regain stability I know there is no one else and I asked if he was gay , he said it sounds like it doesnt it? but its something in his head. by the way he cannot watch a program about a disease without obsessing over it. He thinks things to death and seems to rearrange them in his mind so he can go extreme in his actions. I dont know what to do. I love him so much but this once a month rejection abandonment is too painful I dont know how to talk to him about geting help. His mother had him commited as a teen and he was overmedicated so he is fearful of the whole idea of even admitting he needs help.. then he gets manic and works out for 3 days and is super busy thinking he feels better than he ever has. I could go on but I think this is more than enough.

If anyone can relate or offer any helpful advice I would greatly appreciate it.

I know how all you women feel! Being with a bipolar man is very hard, and some times more work than it's worth. They do have big hearts, and every one does like them, and they can be the most kind men you will ever know, but some thing changes behind closed doors. Bipolar men are different with their women than with any one else in their lifes! They are verbally abusive, self conceded, almost always have their prioritys all screwed up, and are very money hungry! I've been with my husband for 5 years, and I've always been at the bottom of the lists to care about, until I walk away and then he grovels at my feet. I hate the way he talks to me, as though I'm trash or no better than the dirt he walks on. His quad, boat, and crotch rocket are 10 times more important than his children or me! But if you talk to any one who knows him outside of our marriage he is the most funny, kind, giving, warm hearted person they have ever met. And getting to the highs and lows...... his highs are comparable to a 5 year old on crack....he bounces off the walls, pokes at me like a child, and spends more money than we have. His lows are comparable to an 80 year old man with hemroids the size of earth..... he is never happy, barks at the slightest noise, is never affectionate, and hates to be touched! My husband is amazing in bed, but only has interest in it once or twice a month. And as any other bipolar man he refuses to get help, to see a marriage counselor, or get on meds, because there is "nothing wrong with him"! If our marriage doesn't work our - NOTE TO SELF: DON'T GET WITH A MAN WHO IS BIPOLAR!!!!!! Good luck to you ladys who are in the same situation!

There seem to be alot of similarities amongst all of you. My friend demonstrated alot of what i'm reading. He is always in a state of mania and when things are good, he is the funniest man you'd ever want to meet. However when he gets in a "mood" steer clear! He will insult you, blow you off and then look at you like you have the problem. He's undiagnosed and our friendship is not as chummy as it used to be. I constantly made excuses for him and covered for him at work to keep him out of trouble. He went through women quicker than he changed razors and only stayed with them 2 weeks. He's NEVER wrong even if you prove it to him. Being his friend was like a second job and i just got tired of being walked on repeatedly. I do think of him and pray he seeks help (he moved out of the country) but i think its going to take a serious incident to open his eyes!

Thanks for sharing your stories!

wow , i have been in a relationship for 6 yrs now which he constantly ends when he feels like it, we love each other but he lives in the cycle of highs and lows, when things are good they are really good, he is loving caring and attentive, but when he is on a low he is verbally abusive,,derogative to a point of no respect at all for me,, or for any woman in fact.In one of his moments he rang my mother and told her that he had caught me in bed with someone,,another lie,, We live in separate homes as we both have children from previous marriages, sometimes this can be a blessing in disguise but i feel that he uses it as a place to run and hide when things get tough for him, He is very obsessive about what is his and will happily tell you that you owe him,,say $5.00 after you have just spent a fortune on him or his, he is obssessive about his home to a point of raking leaves at 6am on a windy autumn day,and mowing his lawn almost daily. He is obsessive to a point of straightening shoes in a row, or checking that all power is off (3 times) or doors are locked repeatedly when leaving his home, his obsessions are one and many.His ex wife committed suicide years ago which he or his children never had therapy for, he is happy to speak daily of the happening and what he did for her and is quite happy to derogativly run her down in public saying how he was god in there home and gave her everything which she apparently was so ungrateful for, he also said she cheated on him ,,,which he has a great obsession with as he accuses me constantly of cheating.we have a 4 yr old son together which he demanded a dna test for, i happily gave it to him because i had nothing to hide, some time ago he took me to family court "just in case " something happened to us, then he would have rights to his son,,i have never stopped him seeing his son. His treatment of me has been applorable and my family and friends just shake there heads in dismay,,and i guess in worry that his episodes will escalate to somthing more sinister,, apart from that he has to have total control of "the" situation, three months ago he ended "us", but this time i kept walking, as my own health had deteriorated to panic attacks and i decided to see a shrink, he didnt agree with this at all and his cure was "work harder, go mow your lawn" so i stayed strong with the help of friends and even though i missed him like the air i breathe, he eventually worked his way back into my life, we had lost a baby in aug,and he professed an undying love for me and dangled the carrot "a new baby" and i fell for it hook line and sinker but my only condition was that we marry instead of just living together. He said yes,,so long as we sell both our homes and move and buy in a new area for a fresh start,,,i saw no problem with this and agreed,,but in realisation,,the only friend i have ,,he hates,,he hates my family,,his family arnt my best friends through his mouth,,,at the moment my sister is staying with me,,she's on holiday from qld,,he hates this , in such a big way,,that our four yr olf son came from his home saying,,,its not working with kathy here,,,i think this means again he doesnt have full control of the situation around him.His latest and probaby last, dismisal of our relationship came a couple of days ago,,,so out of nowwhere,,,we had been ,,after 3 months aprt, working on fixing our relationship,,all was well,,my sister arrived three weeks ago,,,we went on an outing where we drove my car 200kms, he put the fuel in the tank $40, the plan was for him and his son to go fishing and my sister and i to shop till we dropped. After four places having no worms, we drove 30kms out to nowhere and checked out the fishing spot,,he then said ,well it looks as though we are not going to fish today,,,so we headed for the shops. We arrived at the shops at 3,50pm and had 50mins shopping time,,,not much for any woman,,,we then did a tourists thing and drove around the Mt Panarama circuit, bought KFC then headed home after refueling the tank.
It was a very silent trip home and i knew something was wrong,,but he just said he was tired,,,the next day he arrives ranting over how it cost him $40 in petrol and didnt get anything out of it,,he was also happy to take the $40 back even though it was my mortgage money,,it escalated into the usual "what a bad person i am" argument,,i am glad that my sister has been here for three weeks to see his whole cycle,,high to low,,,next day he is demanding his son,,because he has court paperwork that says so,,,i calm him down and we sort out our sons situation,,once again" our son stays at his home that night and comes home with "attitude" towards "aunty kathy" refusing to call her by the title "aunty" and saying ,,its not working with her here,,,the next day is mine,,he drops his son back late knowing that he had an early playgroup date (control), then says he thinks it is best for us to be over and we resort to the courts roster,,,once again , i verbally give it to him,,he has tears in his eyes,,i am sad because he is the most giving person when he is well,,but he thinks that there is no problem.

I am not a doctor, but have read enough to make me suspect he has something wrong up there, he will never ever seek treatment, because "he" is god (in his head) and there is nothing wrong with him,,,i would love some feedback please because even though i love him, im at the end of my road and i know that i say it time and time again that im not going back, i somehow gravitate back into his arms,,im not in a situation that i can move,,,,i love him but cannot deal with his behaviour anymore,,,,

Can someone read my story and please maybe give a name other than "nasty" to what ive been living with for the past 6 yrs.

Oh my gosh. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted after I read your letter which never seemed to end. You have to get out now. But before you do you need to get a great lawyer that will help you fight for your son. He is to toxic and he will only poison your sons mind with things to keep him against you. I have been fighting with my ex husband who is bipolar and refuses to acknowledge it) for 2 going on 3 years now. He has made up lies, exaggerates situations, and poison our daughters mind its so stressful and unsafe for our daughter. Make sure that if you get a judge and you don't like how he is you change judges. Leave him he is no good. They are selfish, obsessed amount money, and will never think of you even though it seems that at times they do. God Bless you and your family and think of your children.

thankyou for your input but tell me how do i get through the night,,how do i take control of my panic attacks which leave me breathless, exhausted, totally terrified and mentally drained. I am not functioning when i am not with him,,,how..please somebody advise me....

Hi LynBak, I have suffered panic attacks too after 6 months in a relationship with a BP male. You might find it useful to see a psychiatrist yourself as they are good at putting things in perspective. To cope with the anxiety I was given 20 mg of lexapro daily which is an anti depressant. I admitted my biplolar partner involuntarily to the mental health hospital. This involves making a lot of phone calls. With our situation the police were also involved to take him to hospital. Sometimes you have to take a hard line to help someone that cant see how sick they are. Now he takes his meds 2000mg of valpro a day and 20 mg of olanzapine a night. I struggle to make him see that he should nt smoke dope because it makes him manic. I have admitted him involuntarily twice now. It is a huge disruption to his life but I am tough on him because his illness has made him bankrupt and caused many accidents including a knee reconstruction last year after recklessly riding a motorcycle. I honestly think that the best thing is to involuntarily admit them when manic because it just causes so much grief for everyone if they are not medicated correctly. I forgot to mention that mine is obsessed with the law. Currently has 4 legal cases sitting at the solicitors but no money to start the fund rolling. Hilarious really. Just so delusional. Last manic episode involved daily meetings with the police to discuss how badly he percieved he was treated when thrown out of a venue. Might I add that he had snuck in without paying. Pure stupidity he is sometimes.

my bf is like that too he has stopped taking his medication and he drinks alot.he was in prison because he killed people and he slapped his ex gf.i am no longer with him.

Hi,I've never posted in a forum, but I'm desperate for feedback. I've been with a BP boyfriend for 8 months. We're both older and very much in love. I didn't see anything serious to be concerned about for the first 6 1/2 months, then very suddenly he became very withdrawn and confused. We went from being inseperable to very separate. He doesn't phone me or show any interest. I am experiencing complete rejection, but understand this is just an episode? He is a shell of the man I knew and this has been going on for a month and a half. It has been the most painful thing I've ever witnessed. I want to wait for him to "come out of it" but am preparing myself that it may be too much for me. I'm also in the midst of a medical crisis with my grown daughter and he's just not responding or able to be here to support me in any way. It's hard...I'm wondering how many of you have experienced complete emotional withdrawl from BP boyfriends/spouses and do they eventually just come back to their old selves?

I was in a relationship with a medicated bp type 2 male for four years. The first 6 months were wonderful with lots of attention, charm, sex, romance, everything positive. Then he started hitting his highs and lows. He was very deceptive, had too many secrets, and I caught him in a small lie here and there all of the time. He was unable to put his priorities in line. He was derrogotive, and always tried to deem his opinions fact. Very intelligient and well read, however, always argueing over things he knew nothing about. I finally left, I still love him but I know he has no intentions of ever putting me or my 8 yr old first. I wish him the best, however, I do not think he is capable of ever putting anyone before him.

I guess, I didn't realize my ex husband was bi polar till I began reading through some of your letters. I was with him for 9 years. He was diagnosed with PTSD, a few years ago. About a year ago, he began drinking every night, and got into some hard drugs. He convinced me to open our relationship up. I knew that he was already sneaking off. Well anyways. It's hard to go into details. I think about it every day. He did have meds which he would not take on a regular basis, because he said it would cause him problems. (excuses) but the boose, and the coke never made him feel bad right? Anyways. I have been seeing a man for almost a year. He openly admitted to me that he is bipolar, and does take medication, and sees a therapist, once a month. He has lows and highs. He is not violent or verbally abusive with me. He is a self injurer though. He hasn't injured himself, in almost 11 months now. And he says that its because of me. It scares me a bit though.
Well, my ex husband moved in with a young lady after two weeks of dating. They recently broke up, and has been going through some lows. He is not doing any type of drugs anymore, and occasionally drinking. He has his own place, and has a steady job, with health insurance. I am proud of him. But, I am still afraid of commiting anymore energy to him. But, I do with my boyfriend. Strange huh.
Well, I guess I am mostly venting, and I don't find my situation too strange now. Thank you all for your stories.

Wow. I have read through all these letters and never in my life would I think that I would be in this same situation. But here I am, with my boyfriend of 2 years...and I COMPLETELY understand what each of you are going through and how hard it is. When I met him, I fell in love instantly. He's the greatest, most caring person I have ever met. At 1 point, about a year ago, he started smoking weed everyday. I told him it wasn't a good idea but he seemed calm and like it wasn't effecting him negatively or anything because he was doing great with his job and everything. He didn't drink very often, but when he did, he like transformed into someone I have never seen before. He would drink to the point of blacking out and getting violent with me. At 1 point he came home and told me he cheated on me with some girl but he totally regretted it because he was drunk and it won't happen again. I of course got so mad though and started an argument and he just didn't want to listen to anything I was saying, as if I was the bad person for getting upset. So I went to my parents house for a month and during that time he would tell me he missed me and wanted me to come home, etc... so of course, I did. We made an agreement that he wouldn't drink anymore. Well that lasted for a while up until recently. A week ago he stopped smoking weed and all of a sudden had all this energy and literally stayed up for 4 days. He was having all these delusions about an "itch" and how he can MAKE people itch, and he would sit there and watch youtube videos and point out every itch that they would have. And then would talk about the devil and god and how the devil is a fly that flies in your ear.. I mean, the list goes on. So of course I got worried and I called his mom and she came over and the weird part is.. those past couple of days he would be SO loving and hug me and tell me he loves me, and 5 minutes later get so angry and try to hit me. So when his mom came over, he was being all lovey and telling her he loved her and then while we were all eating lunch.. out of NO WHERE.. he was like "CAN YOU GET THE F*** OUT? GET THE F**** OUT NOWWW" and came after ME and threw me across the room and pushed his mom, and we were afraid he was trying to push us down the stairs so we ran and called 911. The cops came and well long story short he had to be tazered and pepper sprayed and he's now sitting his jail. I went to visit him last night and he told me he didn't remember anything and that he'd never do anything to hurt me or his mom and that he felt as if someone gave him LSD or something because he had such a strong feeling of mood swings and kind of knowing what was going on but couldn't control it. He said at 1 time he thought he was in Disneyland... and I just don't know. I went and told him that he obviously needs help and he agreed once he gets out that he will go. But I really don't know what to do at this point. I love him so much and I'd do anything to help him so I know how you guys feel, feeling so helpless. I've been getting these past nightmares these past few nights and waking up in cold sweats and I just feel it taking a toll on me. I don't want to leave him because I feel like things will just get worse. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your stories because it made me realize that I'm not alone and that these people really don't mean to hurt us, they just have no control over themselves.

when i first met my currently ex-boyfriend, i totally fell head over feet, i have never had that instant feeling like that i cant even describe it. we had an instant connection and before long were dating in a serious relationship. things were going so well, we were eachothers best friends, laughing and having a good time all the time!!!

after a couple weeks i found an anti-depressant in his room and asked him why he took it. he said it wasnt a big deal, he just suffered anxiety and had a hard time sleeping sometimes. i let it go, even though i was a little confused about it. then like a week after that we were with my parents and he admitted to all of us that he is bipolar and some other ppl in his family are as well. this scared me a little too (his family lives across the country so i never got to meet them, he lives where i do for work). i didnt think too much into it because he said it wasnt bad and he took meds for it etc...

everything was going well we told eachother we loved one another, we had romantic nights out, we went on a trip out of state, he was always giving me roses, etc.. then one day totally out of the blue after just 2 nights ago we were having a blast together, he text me when i was at work, "we need to talk". well i wasnt going to go all day with that on my mind so i called him right then and asked him whats up and he said, "my feelings are changed, i just cant do it anymore". i was CRUSHED and couldnt figure out what went wrong... well this was 4 days ago and now that i have read all your posts im starting to feel a little better about it and not thinkiong it was me. i have had to go on lexapro as well cause my anxiety was/is so bad. (although there are other things going on in my life too)

well now we are meeting up to talk tonight because i really needed some answers and closure but now im not even sure if its worth it!!!

thank you so much for all your posts, it really helped me see things in another prespective

I have been with a man for 2 and a half years who sounds just like all of these men. He breaks up with me at least twice a year. At first I didn't see the signs and understood our first break up due to other circumstances in our relationship. The next ones seem to happen around the same time of the year. It will start with the distancing and then out of the blue when I think that things are ok, he will say that he " is not happy", lies to me about being happy, and then seems to say really awful things to me. He drinks a lot and to the point at times when he : blacks out". When he blacks out he has broken my things, verbally abusive, fought with my friends, and has gotten his ass kicked by people at bars. The next day he says he doesn't remember what happened. When he comes back he says that he is sorry and that he wants to get back together and loves me. Things are great and he is wonderful for about 4-7 months and then again he starts the cycle. He was medicated when he was younger but does not want to be on medications " he won't feel like himself".
I agree with all of you that it is painful to watch someone that you love destroy themselves. When is enough enough?