Hey, folks...

Just wanted to share my experience...

I've known this woman for a year. She doesn't live in my area... But where she lives is about a 6 hour drive for me, which I can deal with. At the time we met and became friends, I was attracted to her but I didn't want to date anybody who didn't live within a 60-minute drive. Also, she had a boyfriend at the time.

She spent the weekend visiting a mutual friend and we hit it off as friends... We occasionally e-mailed each other to keep up.

Fast forward to july 2004...

They've broken up... All of a sudden, out of the blue, she and I start e-mailing each other like crazy... Back and forth... Every day. She's telling me how she found herself physically attracted to me but my self esteem from a year ago was a turn off... Now she's noticed changes and she likes how i've been determined to stick with my weight loss (between january 2004 and july 2004 I lost 35 lbs). She likes the new me. She even finds herself attracted to the new me and could see herself dating the new me. We're flirting back and forth in the e-mails. Between the flirting, she admits that although she's attracted to me and might consider dating me, she's still not over her ex and will need some time to deal with it. I'm fine with that... Time is very cool.

A bunch of my friends were going to drive up to where she lives, to visit this amusement park. Two days before the trip, i'm all ready to go but everybody who lives in my area flakes out. She and I decide i'll still come, just so she and I can spend some time together. When I get there, she treats me like a king... She's so affectionate... We were even intimate... I leave and drive home feeling so good about myself and her... And about the possibility of 'us'.

I get home... We're still e-mailing and calling each other... Flirting like crazy... Talking about how wonderful our weekend together was... And when we'll spend more time together. Now, i'm really feeling something strong at this point... I tell her how i'm feeling, and she reiterates how she's still trying to get over her ex and she isn't ready for what I want. From that, i'm hurting... I thought that the line we crossed when we spent that weekend together was a clear indication that she was ready. I mean, I wouldn't do to a woman the things she did to me and then say "oh, I still need time to get over my ex"... But that's just me. She even comes to me one night crying, telling me that she ran into her ex and he had a new girlfriend with him. It hurt her to see it, but she said it was helping her to deal with the breakup and move on.

So another month rolls along, we still talk as often as before, the flirting doesn't stop... She decides to visit here. The original plan was to spend the weekend with me in a hotel. But she decided that it would be better to spare my feelings and spend the weekend with a friend of hers who lives in town. She and I barely got to spend any time alone together... But the time we did, she assured me that what she wanted was more alone time with me. I even caught myself asking her, "was there anything you didn't get to do this weekend that you'd like to do the next time you visit?" her answer was short and precise: "cuddle with you.".

She goes home, we go back to our e-mail/phone routine... But she's really pulling back now. I'm confused as to why... Thinking that she's showing me affection because she's attracted to me.

Fast forward to yesterday...

Her ex is back in the picture. He confronted her and begged her to take him back. She realized how not over him she is, and she's currently considering it. She admits all this to me, and I have to admit, I was floored. I should have seen it all along, but my heart didn't want to let me. I was hurt and confused... Why treat me the way she did when she still had feelings for him? Why let our physical involvement go anywhere past hugging? I should have stopped things too, but I didn't. I admit, i'm a sucker for affection, and she fulfilled every bit of what I needed.

So we had a long talk, and she told me that the only two factors keeping her from wanting to try anything with me are (1) her feelings for her ex, and (2) the long distance. So i've dealt with the fact that those two things are keeping us apart right now, while she tries to decide whether to give her ex a second chance.

Here's my problem: i'm still trying to deal with my feelings for her. I think I let my feelings go way too far, and it's going to be very hard to get over her. All day at work today, i've been on pins & needles. Anytime anybody asks me "what's wrong", I break into tears. I want to be with this woman so badly... It hurts me to even think about her possibly going back to him. And to think about the reason they broke up... He was scared at how their relationship was progressing... But now all of a sudden he's realized how wonderful she is and what he gave up...

I swear... After everything i've been through in the past couple of years, this is so hard to get over. I'm a very emotional, romantic person. I do feed off of affection - whether it be physical or emotional. Before this woman, the last 4 women I tried to date... They all ended up terribly. The first two gave me their numbers when I first met them, but never returned my calls when I called them. The next one asked me to make her dinner at my house, but stood me up... And dinner was ready, too. And the most recent one before the one i'm referring to above, we actually did go out on the date, but the date went so terribly and we were incompatible.

After that, I took a few months to work on my own self-esteem... And i'd gotten myself to a good point. I was eating better, I was working out, I was losing weight, and I was feeling a lot better. I have to admit, this pain is a setback. I mean, people always tell me not to 'look for love', but to let it come to me. So many times in the past, I went looking... Whether I met someone and asked for her number and chatted her up on the phone, or I tried a telephone dating service, or I tried an internet chatroom/messageboard. This time, I let the woman come to me... And it still went sour. Granted, it was because of timing and distance, but still...

Imagine letting a kid walk through a room with lollipops lined up inside a locked vault. The kid can see them but can't have any. The kid is excited, but sad because he can't get to them. And every now and again, one is revealed to him... He grabs it, takes a lick, and then it's snatched away from him before he can put it into his mouth and really enjoy it.

That's how I feel... That frustrated... Add a lot of loneliness to that... And a little bit of worthlessness... That's where I am.

I apologize for this being so long... I wanted to make sure I didn't miss any details.