"a guy knows he's in love when he looses interest in his car for a couple days" ~ tim allen

"when I eventually found mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was always" ~ rita rudner

"women dont want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice" ~ bill cosby

"the quickest way to a mans heart is through his chest." ~ roseanne barr

" I always wanted to be the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me" ~ ronnie shanks

" a man in love is incomplete, until he has married. Then hes finished." ~ zsa zsa gabor

"a bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you dont need it." ~ bob hope

" money wont buy you friends, but get you a better class of enemy." ~ spike milligan

" I dont consider myself bald, i'm simply just taller than my hair." ~ thom sharp

*****"you know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golf player is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the nba is chinese" ~ chris rock*****

" this is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing the president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a miss america, we get 50." ~ jay leno

" I figure you have the same chance in winning the lottery whether you play or not" ~ fran lebowitz

" outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read" ~ groucho marx

" cats are smarter than dogs, you cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow" ~ jeff valdez

" I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." ~ bette midler

" I used to be snow white, but I drifted." ~ mae west

" I just recently had my visa card stolen, now its everywhere I want to be." ~ scott edge

" I drink to make other people interesting." ~ george jean nathan

" men who have peirced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've expirienced pain, and bought jewelry." ~ rita rudner

" if god meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better." ~ maureen murphy

" the trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass." ~ martin mull

" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." ~ rodney dangerfield

" football combines the worst two features of american life: violence, and committe meetings." ~george will