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gonzo28
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2004 Posts: 4
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Ran Out of Ideas
Posted: 08-13-04 20:29pm
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My wife and I just discovered that our
daughter age 23 is involved with a 42 year
old married man. I have tried to reason
with her without being judgemental. I
have attempted to explain the problems
that can develop from this type of
relationship. Right when I thought I was
getting the upper hand in this situation,
she informed me that he told her that he
is leaving his wife and moving in with a
friend. This 42 year old man has two
children, a boy age 22 and a daughter age
13. I have discovered that he has had
simular relationships with other girls
even younger than my daughter. I just
don't know what I should do. I don't
want to say the wrong thing and push her
into him. Any suggestions? I can use
some feedback.
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
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Posted: 08-14-04 08:56am
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Well, as tough as it is,your daughter is
an adult and can choose her partners.The
more you push,the more she will want to be
with this guy.I agree,he sounds like a
real lowlife,but she is not a child.The
best you can do is to be there for her and
love her even if you do not approve of her
choice.If things do not work out with this
guy,just be there to love and support her
emotionally,no"i told you so".If she does
stay with him,that can be difficult.We
have a similar story in our family with my
sis.None of us can stand this
guy.However,they do have a child together
and we all put our party faces on and make
the best of it.Just pray your daughter
gets this guy out of her system,before
there are kids!Hope it all works out for
all of you!Patty
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
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Posted: 08-14-04 09:10am
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Oh, I am so sorry about this! I really
don't have any advice since as patty says,
she is an adult and will do what she
wants. And it is true that the more you
push the worse it will get.
I am 25 and would never, ever date a 42
year old man! Especially when his son is
22? I am sorry, but that is disgusting
and even though your daughter is of legal
age now he should still be labeled
pedaphile. I really truly hope that she
opens her eyes! Yes, it is frustrating
trying to find a mature, good, honest guy
these days, but that doesn't mean that she
needs to resort to someone old enough to
be her father.
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gonzo28
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2004 Posts: 4
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Thank You
Posted: 08-14-04 09:40am
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I want to thank both pattyv and hotasfrick
for you feedback. I agree, she is of
legal age. My concern is for my toddler
son and my family. As I stated in my
original email, this man has had several
relationships prior to my daughter. Each
time the girl informed him that they
wanted to end their relationship, he
became upset. In each of these cases the
property of these girls got damaged (i.E.
Broken car window, punctured tires,
windows broken at their homes, ect)
reports were filed but no arrest was made
becuase of lack of evidence. I obtain
this information from a friend in the
police department. My concern is that
this wack job will attempt to do something
that may place my family in danger. I
have confronted my daughter on these
charges. However, she ignors the
comments. She feels like most first love
"there is no fault in this person"
<sigh> thank you once again. If
anyone has any feedback, my ears, mind,
and heart is open.
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
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Posted: 08-14-04 11:18am
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Oh that is just wonderful! Not only is he
obviously mentally disturbed, but he also
likes to break things! Wonderful! I am
sorry you cannot get through to her. It
is really frustrating when someone will
not listen to you. I am sorry.
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
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Posted: 08-14-04 15:01pm
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You can only hope she sees the light and
gets rid of him.She should not ever be
afraid to leave someone like that,she
should be more afraid to stay!I hate
bullies!!!  .Best of luck to you and your
family,remember,she will always be your
daughter. Hopefully she will see what a
piece of work this guy is before she gets
hurt.Patty
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JanetBee
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Apr 2004 Posts: 332
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Posted: 08-17-04 06:46am
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The most important thing is not to shut
her out, try to stay supportive and on
good terms. That way if she does start to
think about ending the relationship, she
won't be trapped there because of not
having a support network to go back to.
It can be difficult not to tell her what
to do, and to put this guy down all the
time, but if you do she is more likely to
take his side. You are better off saying,
"you are a grown up, it's your decision,
but we're still here for you."
i disagree though that the age difference
is really much of a problem. I know
plenty of people almost that far apart,
including one couple where it is the woman
who is older. I have met a lot of very
very fit 42 year olds who are much more
attractive and a lot more interesting than
your average 25 year old guy. The problem
is him being a married, serial adulterer
and violent.
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gonzo28
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2004 Posts: 4
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Update
Posted: 08-17-04 18:48pm
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My wife and I have taken your suggestions,
however difficult it may be. We have set
ground rules for her living her and she
has agreed. We will continue to be
supportive, but pqaying that she uill open
her eyes and see right from wrong. Thank
you all.
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
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Posted: 08-19-04 20:38pm
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Tha's all you can do!Hope everything works
out for all of you!Patty
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pitterpatter
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Aug 2004 Posts: 619 Location: United States
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Posted: 09-04-04 14:11pm
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Well, let me just say that i've seen what
happens in relationships like this. My
sister was 22 when she got married to a
man more than twice her age. I've seen
how the age difference can affect this.
I don't know how close of a relationship
you have with her, but first off I think
you should sit down with both her and him
and thell them your concerns. Even
though it's hard and it's her choice, they
both need to realize your concerns. I
think that you could say that you love her
and that you want the best for her. If
this relationship is real love than we
will support that. However, I have some
concerns how do you think you will be able
to deal with being married to eachother
when everywhere you go people will think
you are father and daughter. My sister
hated this part of being married to an
older man. Even I have a hard time being
around my brother in law because people
sometimes think he's either my father or
my husband and you get these looks like
your a horrible person. My sister has a
kid with this man now and it makes it even
harder for them. I think you have every
right to tell the man that you expect him
to respect her and if he's getting into
this relationship for the wrong reasons he
better back out now. I think as the
father I would expect you to confront his
intentions. You are her dad and you will
be apart of her life. I also think you
should make sure that your daughter knows
she is loved no matter what decision she
makes. Also, after you talk to them I
would leave it at that. Once she
realizes it's all up to her and her choice
is supported that's when realization will
probably hit her. My sister went through
with the wedding and everything, but she
knew how upset we were. She didn't
realize what a mistake she made until we
finally accepted him. Now she's mad that
we still talk to him after the divorce.
But that's another story. I wish you
luck! This time will pass though.
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gonzo28
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Aug 2004 Posts: 4
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Thank You For Your Response
Posted: 09-04-04 19:56pm
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I first want to thank you for sharing your
experience and offering your advice. I
have sat down and spoke with her. I have
asked to meet this person, it's excuse
after excuse as to why he cannot come and
meet us. This guy has moved out of his
home, and into a mutual friends place.
As predicted he has yet to file for a
divorce, although he states as soon as he
gets the money. The problem I have with
her is that she has not taken time out to
really think about her decision. She
thinks this is so exciting. I told her
this morning the reason im disappointed is
that she promised me that she would take
time out to think about this relationship.
To this date, she has not done so. I
have presented to her all the scenarios
that I could think of (i.E. Pregnancy,
financial hardship, age difference,
becoming an overnight step mother, dealing
with the ex.) she just sit's there like a
deer staring in the headlights. I will
leave my problems to the lord. Once
again, thank you for your feedback.
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pitterpatter
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Aug 2004 Posts: 619 Location: United States
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Posted: 09-05-04 01:10am
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She's not engaged with him yet right?
Atleast you have that on your side. I
know it's hard i've seen my parents go
through this. I think you are doing the
right thing. I would just make sure to
stay on top of her and what she's got
going on in her life. Hopefully she will
turn around and realize what she's getting
into. Good luck! And god bless!
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
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Posted: 09-05-04 02:39am
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They cannot be engaged if he is still
married and hasn't even filed for a
divorce yet. I would be surprised if he
doesn't go back to his wife.
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
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Posted: 09-05-04 09:40am
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Hey,gonzo.Sorry to hear that your daughter
is still involved with this clown.It is
very flattering when an older man pays
attention to a younger woman and I can see
how she would be drawn to him.He sounds
very charasimatic and he has her convinced
that she is his future.You have done your
part and all you can do.As you said, is
pray that she sees the light before its
too late.If he continues to yank her chain
and be abusive,hopefully,she will see that
he does not care about her and does not
love and cherish her as a man who is truly
a man should.Keep reinforcing your love
for her,she will always be your
daughter.Best to you and your family.Patty
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