Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - My Boyfriend Is Extremely Possessive And Paranoid...help!

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Q: My Boyfriend Is Extremely Possessive And Paranoid...help!

asked by: ScaredBaka on August 9th, 2004

Experienced User

My boyfriend, while a very loving person, is sickeningly possessive of me and very paranoid.

He seems to want me to himself and not let me be in contact with anyone else; when I wanted to spend the day with my cousin, he complained saying that I should be spending that time with him and not with my family. Just tonight I told him I was going to talk to a graduate from a college I was looking to attend, and he became so jealous because the person is a male. My boyfriend even tried to discourage me from talking to this man by saying "you shouldn't just focus on only one college - they might not accept you." he's obviously trying to change my mind.

He gets very very jealous if I talk to a guy he either doesn't like or doesn't know (i.E., this man from college, my friend aaron), thinking i'm automatically going to start flirting with them upon verbal contact.

He also calls me twice a day for two hours each time, and he makes me stay on the line that long. If I want to leave and I don't have a good reason (i.E., mom needs the phone), he throws a huge tantrum. When 2 hours have elapsed, I have to argue with him for 10 minutes at least before he finally lets me go. Anymore I dread calling him, but if I don't he throws fits.

.................

He's also extremely paranoid...He's told me he had paranoid fantasies of his ex-girlfriends sleeping with their male guardians behind his back. Also tonight he said he didn't know if he could believe me when I said i'd never cheat on him, and it made me cry...Knowing that I tell him how greatly I love him and then he goes and doubts it.

He's told me that both of his exes had cheated on him, so I might be able to understand why he's scared of that. But does "i love you" mean nothing to him? I put my heart into it when I say it.

............

I know he loves me, but sometimes I can't stand this possessiveness and paranoia of his. It's going to tear us apart.

I've told him about it, and he admitted that "sometimes he can get a little bit protective", and he promised to give me some space, like not throwing tantrums when I don't spend the day with him, and not arguing with me as much when I want to get off the phone. Those promises lasted about a week. Now he's worse.

..........

Please help; though he sounds like a creep, my boyfriend is a wonderful guy. I just want him to realize how much pain he causes me when he acts like this.

How can I get him to see what he's doing to me? He won't take my word for it, and he refuses counseling.

(note: we're both 17, if that could help at all)

...........

Scaredbaka - doesn't want to lose him over something so stupid

Replies(37)

JanetBee

replied on August 13th, 2004

Experienced User

I think you should be very afraid of this boy. His possessiveness and jealousy might make you feel he must really love you to be that way, and it probably makes you feel special, but it is a very unhealthy and obsessive sort of attitude. You are both only 17, and it sounds like he is trying to control you and your life.

Just imagine if you were living with him. Do you think he would "let" you go out for the evening with your friends? Or have any interests that don't involve him? Is that the sort of life you imagine for yourself?

You sound like you have a good relationship with your family, and some good friendships with people of both sexes. That's great for you and the way it should be, but it doesn't sound like something he can understand. Does he have any real friends or are you his whole social life now?

Please think carefully about this relationship. There's a lot of women out there who are trapped with jealous, possessive men, who find they have lost all their friends, can't speak to their families, and gradually lose their own identity, just because of their boyfriend's or husband's paranoia.

sparklypixie12

replied on August 13th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Scaredbaka-this is extremley worrying.You are both 17-you should be enjoying your life & doing things together & with your friends & family. A relationship is supposed to be fulfilling-you should be feeling secure & protected but not *overprotected* this boy/man wants to control your life by taking you away from the people you care about,choosing who you should be friends with & not even letting you talk to people of the opposite sex-that is how possessive people operate-they make sure they take away everything you have so that your life becomes theirs. I have read about this so many times-young girls have lost their lives because their obssesive partners end up going too far.I'm not saying this is going to happen to you but if you allow him to control you then who knows what will happen. You seriously need to make the steps to change things-tell him you won't allow him to treat you like this & that you're your own person-try & discuss counselling & encourage him to get some indepedence for himself.You need to share this someone-talk to your mom so that someone knows the situation & can help you out. I would personally leave him because you're too young to be dealing with this but it's your choice-pm me if you ever want to talk.
Best wishes
liz x

ScaredBaka

replied on August 13th, 2004

Experienced User

I assure both of you that I am very worried about being with him sometimes; he tells me he wants to marry me, and while at times it might be fun, he probably wouldn't let me go anywhere without him.

He doesn't get to go out and do many things because his mom doesn't have a car, but he does have a couple of friends who come and visit every so often - his best friend brad lives a house away and frequently visits and sometimes stays the night for 3 or 4 days at a time. But my boyfriend will always tell me he'd rather spend time with me than his own family or friends.

I know my boyfriend is extremely paranoid, and i've tried many times telling him not to worry; i've sat down and grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him right in the face and said that I would choose death over cheating on him, but I don't know why he has such a hard time believing me.

I've told him a couple of times that if he doesn't shape up, i'm shipping out. He said he would, but not much has changed.

I'm seriously astounded that he hasn't yelled at me for talking on the internet to his friend brad, thinking that I flirt with him.

He told me that he didn't like his ex-girlfriend because she was so "clingy" to him...What does he think he is to me?!

...............

But I have a question...If my boyfriend won't seek counseling, could I go to one myself and find answers?

I know he's scared of being hurt...But it's like i'm enduring all the pain for him sometimes.

..........

*sigh* well, I can say that if things get any worse from this point i'll have no choice but to say goodbye. I know he'll be hurting badly, but if it's for my own protection then i'll have to. But I just don't want to make a big mistake and lose the love of my life because of a paranoid fantasy. I know he sounds like a terrible person, but he does treat me well when he's not being paranoid; he respects my boundaries and always asks before trying anything. He's never hurt me physically, nor has he threatened me or anyone I know.

..............

But thank you both for your advice. Though not pleasing to hear on my part, I thank you for some insight into my situation.

.......

Scaredbaka - hopes she makes the right decision

sparklypixie12

replied on August 13th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Your boyfriend seriously needs help-there may be some deeper issues which need resolving in his life which go far deeper then his ex-girlfriends cheating on him or being too clingy.I dont know if you'd be allowed to go counselling with him-perhaps if he requests you there then yes but generally I think its more personal & one to one.
Your both young you should be having fun. I am 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We've been together for 3.4years but we have seperate friends & seperate hobbies but we also do things together-it's great because I have my little life inside our life together.You could have something like this but you need to decide if your boyfriends worth it.If you dont sort things out it will get worse I promise you

PattyV

replied on August 13th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

You can absolutely go for counseling without him!If he won't change,then you need to change the way you react to him.He may not like the new you and may decide that its time to move on.If so,a new perspective of yourself can be very helpful.A good therapist won't tell you what to do.We all have the answers within us,but sometimes we're just not ready to hear them.Talking with a therapist can allow you to actually see ,maybe for the first time, that you know what to do but are scared ashamrd,whatever, to take action.A therapist should be impartial and nonjudgemental.Having an outsider listen can be very freeing.This person has no vested intrest in your outcome(other than getting paid)and should not sway your decisions either way.Sometimes just being able to express what you don't tell anyone else can be a liberating experience.Good luck to you,baka!Patty

tweety12986

replied on August 13th, 2004

Active User, very eHealthy

I think if you dont want to lose him over something stupid and he is acting like that you are 1 gonna leave him on your own cuz you are tired of him or 2 you are gonna get stuck with him

ScaredBaka

replied on August 13th, 2004

Experienced User

The thing with me is that the only friend I ever spend time with is my older cousin. I never hang out with my school friends. So, yeah mysocial life is a little bit shot in thr head. O.O

i know why my boyfriend would refuse counseling - he's been through it before for two years and it did nothing for him. When he was younger (i think around 12), he began to molest his stepsister. When he was uncovered, he was to go through counseling because he obviously was too young to serve a jail sentence. He hated his counselors, because they did nothing for him and he would get a new one (he was in group therapy I think) practically every week and he got sick of telling his story. In vain attempts to get out sooner, he would simply tell them "i'm sorry I did it and I won't do it again." he went to live with his mom when he was 14, which was when he came to my school. I met him a year later.

Does anyone think this could contribute to his issues?

...........

He knows i'd help him in any way that I could, but I don't think he would open up even to me let alone a stranger.

....

Scaredbaka - wishes she could find out what is causing him such paranoia

PattyV

replied on August 14th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Okay,this changes things.Please get away from this guy!!!!Don't be afraid of leaving,be afraid of staying!!!Obviously he has no intention of changing and his past sexual abuse of his stepsister is a huge red flag!!This is not a man to consider having children with let alone a cup of coffee.Do not look back,you deserve much better than this!!Go to college and broaden your horizons,life has so much to offer you!Be good to yourself!Patty

2ferano

replied on August 14th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

All I have to say is staying with this guy is extremely stupid. I am not trying to offend you, but I am not going to sugar coat it.
I was engaged when I was 18 and although my man wasn't nearly as bad as yours is, I can still relate. Let's just put it this way. He talked me out of going to college (he didn't want me to meet someone else) and ruined three years of my life. Not to mention the fact that I am 25 now and still haven't gone to college. If I had left him in the beginning and followed my dreams, I would be done with college now and I would have a career.
He will not get any better. Guys like him never do. And to tell you the truth, even if his two ex girlfriends did cheat on him, he probably drove them to it. I am sorry but there is nothing more annoying than someone who is verbal about not having any self-esteem. It isn't very manly at all and it is so annoying. You really need to leave him. Or at least lay down the law. Tell him, yes I do love you, but I will not be "owned" I will not let you or your low self esteem control my life. So, shape up or ship out.
I know you love him, but you are only hurting yourself. Get away from him!

sweetangel

replied on August 14th, 2004

Experienced User

My boyfriend is kinda the same but not as bad but personaly if he does get thta bad I dont care how long weve been together i'll just break up w/him
but I do understand how u feel

ScaredBaka

replied on August 14th, 2004

Experienced User

Oh trust me, if he ever tried to force me into anything or touch me in a way I didn't approve of, he is out the door! I've told him that he's only got one chance, and while I don't mind the occasional minor slip-up, if he does something huge, it's bye-bye.

I know very well why he did that to his stepsister...He was a kid with no friends, the internet, and porn magazines. His libido probably skyrocketed when it should have just been awakening. And both his parents were sex addicts, and lord knows, he probably picked up both their genes, which meant double trouble.

While he can be controlling at times, sometimes it feels as if I have him wrapped around my finger; I know that if I use the right pressuring, he would do anything for me. He'd do anything for me even without pressure. I'm not trying to protect him, but deep down I think all he needed was someone that truly loves him. He's never had that before; just knowing that someone will always be there for him no matter the circumstances - having that reassurance has eased his nerves, but not his paranoia. I believe such issues are more deeply rooted.

..........

Nonetheless, I myself am going to seek counseling for this habit of his, and also to work out the kinks in the relationship. I'll change him if it's the last thing I do.

..........

Scaredbaka

groomer23

replied on August 15th, 2004

Experienced User

God girl, I know exactly what you are going through. I dealt with the exact same thing for over a year. It's a heartbreaking situation, because you love the person, and you know that they love you, but they love you too much, so much that it becomes obessesive. Eventually, in most cases, men like that will become physically abusive. I left before my ex-fiance had the chance to do physical harm to me, but he did a lot of emotional damage that i'm still recovering from almost a year after we split. I really believed that he would change, and I know he tried and wanted to chance, but he just couldn't. Please, please take my advice, and leave before it's too late. Don't let him have the chance to hurt you, be it emotionally or physically. I left, and although it was hard.... I made it. I'm in a relationship now, with someone who respects me, loves me, and treats me the way that I deserve to be treated. I promise, if you don't lose faith in love, you will find that too. I made it, and you can do it too. Smile

PattyV

replied on August 15th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

I disagree with the reason your boyfriend molested his stepsister.Rape is not about sex.It is all about control.Many rapists are impotent unless they are the ones in control(raping)that is why castration of serial rapists does not work.The mind is the dangerous part,not the penis!!I would not stay with this person and others feel the same.You do what you want,but with all i've heard,i'd be gone if I were you!Patty

2ferano

replied on August 15th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Men like him cannot "love" they will tell you that they love you and they may even think that they "love" you, but they are not capable of love.
You really need to get away from him.

sandyallen

replied on August 15th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

I learned a long time ago that you don't go with someone to change there ways, yes, they might change for a while, but, they turn around and become worse monsters! It sounds to me like he does have a lot of problems! It sounds like he is emotionally abusing you! You might be thinking, I made my bed, I must lay in it, but, it sounds to me like those sheets are dirty and you need to change them!
Good luck with whatever you decide!
Sincerely,
sandy

ScaredBaka

replied on August 16th, 2004

Experienced User

Here's something that strikes me as confusing: tonight my boyfriend was telling me on the phone that his life is a waste. I asked him if he thought that even though i'm in it. He said that his life is most definitely worth living with me in it, but when i'm not with him, his life is boring and worthless.

I know his life isn't too exciting - his mom doesn't have a job or a car, so there's hardly any money and no way he can go out of town (he rides his bike to go and rent video games every so often). If it wasn't for his video games he would probably be morbidly depressed.

Believe me, if I could I would see him every day to make him happier...But I live more than 10 miles from him. If I could get a bike i'd ride into town to visit, but my mom forbids me to because she doesn't want me riding around where I live (there's some hills and trees and she thinks drivers are all out to run me over).

.............

But this isn't about me - it's about him. I would leave him, but my heart forbids me to. I know this is cliche-sounding, but I just love him so much; I can't even describe how I love him with words.

About the statement he made, though...What do you guys make of that?

......

Scaredbaka - won't give up on her boyfriend

sweetangel

replied on August 17th, 2004

Experienced User

I think u should leave him

ScaredBaka

replied on August 18th, 2004

Experienced User

I know i've made my boyfriend sound like a creep, but that's only because i'm focusing on his flaws. Yes he's paranoid and posessive, but he's also very sweet-hearted and gentle.

Let me ask this...If he cared nothing for me, would he cry because of me? There's been many times when I would be crying thinking I may have hurt him, and he would start crying as well. And I don't mean a single manly tear...I mean actual sobbing. Why you ask? Because he was so hurt from seeing/hearing me cry.

Last weekend he started to cry because he hadn't seen me a quite a while and he finally had me in his arms. If a guy misses his girl that much, how could he not love her???

..............

Scaredbaka - always has a shoulder to cry on

2ferano

replied on August 19th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Even though we are just focusing on his "flaws" these flaws are grounds for dismissal. No matter how good the good is.
First of all he raped his stepsister? How could you be with someone like that? Sorry, but that is sick and he needs to be locked up.
Second, the whole "my life isn't worth living" line is crap. If his life isn't worth living then it isn't worth living. You cannot and should not give up your life just to make him happy and fear that if you leave him he will kill himself. And I am sorry, but that is exactly what he wants. Then he "has" you and can do what he wants.
You really need to leave him. I don't even know why you are with him, he is obviously seriously diluted.

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