Hi -- I seriously need some perspective and advice. This is long, so please bear with me!

I just broke up with a guy because of his cocaine use (once/twice per week) and subsequent verbal abuse towards me. He was jeckyl and hyde, and from what i've read, irrational explosive behavior typically results from cocaine use and the withdrawals, etc. On the flip side of things, we were talking about moving in together and getting married. Our relationship was mixed, 50/50 I would say, and in my opinion, the coke contributed largely to our problems and caused most of our fights.

Now, I am stupidly hoping he will get a reality check and realize he just blew an entire life's plan with the woman he loves because of coke. Last week, two days after I broke up with him, he told me he would get help. I do not know if he is following through on this, and I am aware I should not be with him unless/until he is fully recovered, however long that would take. In the meantime, I am aching for him, and wish sooo badly he would call/write, tell me how much he loves me and how much he screwed up.. Yet, he hasn't. All i've gotten is an email this week saying he's done some soul searching and that he's sorry for the cruel things he said to me recently... And no need to write him back. He knows I won't consider being with him unless coke is out of his life, completely.

How do I let go??? I am still so drawn to him, despite the blow ups and negative stuff, I still love him, my heart is aching, and I can't help but hope that this will all change, that he will quit because he loves me, and we will get back together. I can't contact him because he's the one who screwed up, broke promises about stopping, and lied/hid it from me, and I feel he has stomped on our love and on me. He would need to turn it around, pursue me, and show me he means it. But I am dying to contact him, regardless. Ugh! How does a person resolve the dual nature of this kind of situation?? It's so hard!!!!