Hey my name is jenny. I may of posted on this forum before but I can't quite remember. I do have a history of depression from when I was about 12 (i am now 16) but recently i've become very extreme with my moods and emotions.
Basically, what is triggering it all is my boyfriend. He keeps thinking about this pornstar called chloe dior and he keeps imagining i'm her. It's kind of embarassing to tell you all this but he also tells me to do stuff when we have sex which she does in her movies. I swear, it is tearing me apart.
Most people would probably put up with this but I am so sensitive about my body and a while ago I posted in the eating disorders forum with an ongoing problem which hasn't improved. My self harming has worsened because of my bf's actions and tonight, due to an arguement and me stupidly researching what this woman looks like and stuff has caused me to cut my arm very badly, as well as my chest, breasts, stomach and legs. All the cuts are fairly deep and I can't stand the fact that i'm doing it.
I also overdosed a few weeks ago because of my boyfriends thoughts about other people and desires of things that im not and ended up in hospital. This is about the fifth overdose i've ever taken, only this time it was alot more serious than the other times. I hate my situation and I cry all the time. I feel sick when I think about any other female and I want to lose weight desperately so I satisfy what he wants. I hate myself which fuels my depression.
I need to be happy again. I can't stand feeling this way. I don't sleep anymore either. It's 4am right now and i'm not even a tiny bit tired and I feel this way almost every night. It leaves me trapped with all the awful things he thinks and makes me hate myself even more.
Please god help me. I don't know how to smile. I've tried breaking up with my boyfriend but I can't. I just constantly want to be different and inflict pain on myself because of the situation i'm in.
Please help me.
Thank you so much x.