Depression Forum - Please Help Me

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Q: Please Help Me

asked by: Spoike on July 28th, 2004

New User

Hey my name is jenny. I may of posted on this forum before but I can't quite remember. I do have a history of depression from when I was about 12 (i am now 16) but recently i've become very extreme with my moods and emotions.

Basically, what is triggering it all is my boyfriend. He keeps thinking about this pornstar called chloe dior and he keeps imagining i'm her. It's kind of embarassing to tell you all this but he also tells me to do stuff when we have sex which she does in her movies. I swear, it is tearing me apart.

Most people would probably put up with this but I am so sensitive about my body and a while ago I posted in the eating disorders forum with an ongoing problem which hasn't improved. My self harming has worsened because of my bf's actions and tonight, due to an arguement and me stupidly researching what this woman looks like and stuff has caused me to cut my arm very badly, as well as my chest, breasts, stomach and legs. All the cuts are fairly deep and I can't stand the fact that i'm doing it.

I also overdosed a few weeks ago because of my boyfriends thoughts about other people and desires of things that im not and ended up in hospital. This is about the fifth overdose i've ever taken, only this time it was alot more serious than the other times. I hate my situation and I cry all the time. I feel sick when I think about any other female and I want to lose weight desperately so I satisfy what he wants. I hate myself which fuels my depression.

I need to be happy again. I can't stand feeling this way. I don't sleep anymore either. It's 4am right now and i'm not even a tiny bit tired and I feel this way almost every night. It leaves me trapped with all the awful things he thinks and makes me hate myself even more.

Please god help me. I don't know how to smile. I've tried breaking up with my boyfriend but I can't. I just constantly want to be different and inflict pain on myself because of the situation i'm in.

Please help me.

Thank you so much x.

Replies(19)

Outsider

replied on July 28th, 2004

New User

Hey talk to me jenny , please dont hurt yourself anymore ok u dont need to do that no guy not worth hurt yourself over for u have someone here for u no girl or woman needs to hurt herself I be here jenny looking for replys

Spoike

replied on July 29th, 2004

New User

Thank you so much for the support *huggles*

purple333

replied on July 29th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Is there anyone (family, school counsellor, community health worker) that you can talk to?

You do need to get away from this guy - he'll be the death of you & I mean that literally - are therre any family members you can go & live with who live a long way away?

What things do you like or would you like to do? I ask this because if you can get involved with things that you enjoy & which fill your time you not only have less time to hurt yourslef etc but also you may start to feel better about yourself.

Pm me if you want to chat - i'm a parent of a 16 year old girl who is very stressed out for a numner of different reasons to you but I see what she's going through & I also remember how hard it is to be 16.

You are worthwhile, you deserve a great boyfreind.

Spoike

replied on July 29th, 2004

New User

Thank you so much. There are people that I can talk to - mainly my best friends but he thinks about them so it's just a reminder of it all. I have seen a councellor many times before at the local hospital and my parents are there for me but I find it hard to talk about because it's such a sensitive matter.

My boyfriends mother is actually being really supportive towards me because she knows he has issues and she says she isnt on anyone's side and she wants to be there for me.

Everything is reminding me of him and reminding me of all the pain so whatever I do I just seem to end up being upset again. I will try to occupy my time a little more than I do now if you think it will help. Right now i'm willing to try anything.

purple333

replied on July 29th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Talk to me then - either here or you can pm me.

Is there anyone you could go & stay with to get away from this guy & from all the things that remind you of all this bad stuff?

What things are you (or do you think you might be) interested in? Maybe if I had an idea of your interests I could suggest positive (note positive!!) things/ways to get your thought patterns & so your behaviour to change.

I understand about it being hard to talk about because it is sensitive & some people are so ready to judge etc which doesn't help Rolling Eyes

. But the things you need to ask yourself are
- do I want to stop acting like this?
- do I want to keep getting treated badly by a guy(this one or another one)?
- do I want to end up dead or do I want to live?
- am I going to take positive steps to change my life for the better?
- if yes, then where/how am I going to start to do this?

Any questions you can't answer etc - ask for help.

Spoike

replied on July 29th, 2004

New User

Well he lives quite far away anyway (about 40 minute drive) but there isn't really anyone I can stay with. The only person is mybestest friend which, to my knowlege, he's never had a thought about.

My biggest interest is by far my art and I think that's probably the best way to help me distract my mind. I do art all the time and when I do it I focus on the art only and forget about everything else. There isn't much else i'm especially interested in but my family has promised to take me out more this summer as they are aware of my emotional problems at the moment.

I do want to change this way of living and I really desperately want to be happy. I just can't leave him though and I don't know why. I know that eventually i'd get over it and move on but I think i'm always going to be a weak person who people take advantage of. The only way to rid my life of him is to break up with him and I just can't. I've tried and tried but I crave being with him....And I don't even know why. It's such a hard and stressful situation to be in. As already suggested, the only things I can really do for now is focus on myself I suppose.

I don't think i'll ever forget this though and it's sad that at 16 i've already been emotionally scarred by a guy.

Outsider

replied on July 29th, 2004

New User

Jenny I feel sorry for u but u dont need to let this guy ruin your life look if hes thinking about some one else wile making love to u I wouldnt make love at all u got to stand up jenny I know its hard to know u love someone and if they treat u like this u can walk away im sure there others better I wish I had a girl that willing to do anything for me that loves me everytime u just dont need to go all this far for him hope u feel better and care about yourself no ones worth dying over u got a life ahead of u take care ok and ty for the huggs :d

larry

>?¿_BaByGuRL_?¿<

replied on July 29th, 2004

Experienced User

Oh sweetie! No guy should make u feel like that! Have u tried talking to him and telling him wat he's doing to u? Have u told him ur not happy?
Your beautiful and u should never compare yourself to other people, or want to change something about yourself because of wat ur boyfriend says.
Please dont hurt urself Sad

your worthy of being happy and being in a happy relationship.
Im here too if u wanna talk
xoxoxoxoxo
p.S ur not weak.

purple333

replied on July 30th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Please look into cbt (cognitive behaviur therapy) often colleges, hospitals, medical centres etc run them free or at low cost) this would (if you let it) change your way of thinking & free you to be a happier person & let you live the life you deserve.

Spoike

replied on July 30th, 2004

New User

I will look into it and see what I think if you think it'll help.

Thank you all so much. I have spoken to him many times about it and he is aware of how much is upsets me as he has seen the cuts and was also the person who took me to hospital after I overdosed because of it all.

He sent me an email last night saying that he loves me and only me and he's sorry for allowing his 'sex drive' to control him. Unfortunately he said that he sometimes prefers these 'thoughts' about pornstars etc over being with me which is just devistating.

Thank you all for the help *huggles* it feels so much better to know there are people who I can talk to about it who can loook at it from a different perspective and give me comfort and practical advice. You have know idea how much I appreciate it ^.^

san54

replied on July 30th, 2004

Experienced User

Depression

Jenny, you are only 16. You don't need to have sex, to feel or experience love. You certainly do not need your boyfriend, if he is asking you to do things that you don not want to do. They teen years are a very stressful time for some. And you do not need anything added to it. Please get help and dump your boyfriend now before you regret it for the rest of your life. Wink

>?¿_BaByGuRL_?¿<

replied on August 1st, 2004

Experienced User

Im glad you found this forum, were all here 4 you *hugs*

i hope ur well
xoxoxoxo

Haley

replied on August 10th, 2004

Experienced User

I don't know much about cutting but cbt cured my panic attacks and got rid of my extreme anxiety so you may want to give it a try.

lollipop4u

replied on August 10th, 2004

Experienced User

Don 't Put a Person In the Place of ...

God for that is idolotry which is the 2nd of the 10 commandments . And, that 's exactly what you have done with this " man " . However, he is mentally sadistic an gets a psychological thrill everytime he humiliates you . Now, let me see if you can answer this one ! Are either of you living your lives as god intended ? God respects you because respecting someone is part of loving that person . How then, do you thank him by self - mutilation ? That is an offence to god and one last word ... That body doesn 't belong to to you it belongs to god he made it and then breathed the soul into you ... And how did you repay him ? By imitating christ ? No, no, you and your " friend " seem to have made another choice . It none of my business . Two kinds in the world those who care and those who don 't . Which team are you on ? One last thing I don 't fear you if you are on the opponents side as god is everything and the devil is nothing . The only one I am concerned about pleasing is the man upstairs !!!

replied on August 10th, 2004

New User

If You Need to Talk

Hello, jenny. I have some knowledge of what you are going through. You are at a very hard stage of your life. At that age, I was very similar to youself. I would like a chance to talk with you. Do you have yahoo messenger or anything?
How do your parents deal with this situation?

There is a saying I do believe is one to live by. It will seem very confusing at first, but take your time and really focus on this. Then, try to put it into effect in your life. The results will prove the validity.

You will remain the same
unil the pain of remaining the same
becomes greater than
the pain of change

(please send me a pm.)

2ferano

replied on August 10th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Jenny....You really need to leave this psycho that you are with. If he wants to be with a porn star then he needs to go be with a porn star. You know some people (like him) get so addicted to porn that they cannot even have sex with "normal" people anymore. It is a disease. Besides if he is with you and if he loved you then he wouldn't be looking at porn anyway.
Stop hurting yourself! He is not worth it and you are beautiful! Just because he is seriously ill and is making you feel worthless does not mean that you are. Love yourself. That is the first step to being happy. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, and it doesn't matter if you look like the models in magazines. Let me tell you a little something about them. Those pictures....Airbrushed. They also have personal trainers who make them work out all of the freakin time, personal chefs who make them yummy and healthy food, makeup artists and hair stylists. If they lived like you and me they would look like you and me! If we lived like them we would look like them!
You are beautiful just the way that you are and since psycho boy cannot see that you need to leave him in the dust. But, you should really get counseling. Just so that you can talk this out and deal with it and have someone to listen/help you.

Lolli....How dare you come on here and judge! If you really are so godly then you know it is not your place to judge! This girl needs help and is in danger of hurting herself and you have the nerve to come on here and say those things? That is not very christian.

southcoach

replied on August 11th, 2004

Experienced User

Hey, the root of the problem is the boyfriend. Him knowing that what he does hurts you, and he continues to do it is unacceptable. Once he learned of the harm it caused he should have stopped. If he cannot love you for who you are and make love to you because you're you and not a porno star then you have no business being together. You're worth it and you should care enough about yourself to be with someone worthwhile. Many girls I know won't leave their guy because they don't think they will find anyone better. Well you seem like a sweetie and I guarantee that you will. Just be patient and have confidence in yourself.

"if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got".

Hun, if you stay with this guy it will only get worse, he has already demonstrated his disrespect for you. If you don't make a change this will keep occurring and your depression will worsen. Dump the guy and take some time and talk to someone. You will feel better in time!!! Good luck!

qt3

replied on August 12th, 2004

Experienced User

Dump that guy Exclamation

PattyV

replied on August 13th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Any man who does not make you feel loved and cherished does not deserve to be with you!!I have posted to you in another forum and I still feel he is the unworthy one,not you!!!He must feel insecure if he needs to constantly remind you of how he wants to be with a porn star.Let him go be with one!If all he wants is some sex machine who will not give him any conflict,just submission,he needs a blow-up doll,not a girlfriend.Please get help somewhere,anywhere!Don't hurt yourself to try to get his attention,he does not care.He is only trying to control you.Most control freaks are very scared people,and afraid of losing the very people they are alienating.Not a professional opinion,just an observation.Please help yourself,you have so much to give to the right person.Believe in yourself and everything is possible!!Best of luck to you!!1patty

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