I understand where both of you are coming
from, because I myself used to love my
bulimia. I loved it with all my heart.
I adored it, in fact. It was the sloutin
to all my problems, I believed. Except
then I realised it was my enemy, seeking
to kill me. Bulimia is that voice in
your head that keeps telling you that
being thin is important, and that you can
eat all you want and still be thin,
without any consequences. Bulimia is
that voice that beckons you to eat loads,
and then punishes you by telling you off
for eating! Bulimia is that voice that
tells you to quickly run to the toilet and
throw up while you still can, because if
you don't, you will get so fat that people
will hate you and be disgusted by you.
Bulimia tells you you are ugly and a
failure, and fatter than everybody else.
That voice is lying. It wants to hurt
you, possibly kill you, because that voice
embodies all the hate that you feel for
yourself. But it takes a lot of hard
work to tell that voice to shut up, and to
start accepting yourself, warts and all.
It takes some love for life and for
yourself to stop committing suicide in
slow motion. Because that is what we are
essentially doing, by bingeing and
vomiting. If you don't want to live,
then you won't stop. Ever.
I used to love bulimia because it
distracted me from everything that was
wrong in my life. As long as you're
thinking about eating, losing weight, and
being thin, you don't have to deal with
all the other things. We obsess about
weight because we are afraid of tackling
other parts of our lives. We obsess
about food because it gives us so much
pleasure and distraction. We spend years
of our lives on food and thinking about
our body, instead of investing that time
into our relationships, our personal goals
(and I don't mean losing weight!!!), and
just in enjoying ourselves and being at
ease with ourselves. And as long as we
don't learn to deal with our problems in a
healthy way, bulimia will kill us.
After four years, I am beating the lying
voices in my head that are trying to kill
me (finally!! Thank god!!!), and I hope,
for your sake, that you will want to beat
them too. That will happen when you
confront that voice and expose it for the
lying b*stard that it really is. Maybe
you can turn your life around and start to
enjoy living and being yourself. That is
so much better than bulimia, it's much
easier and much more fun, I can tell you.
And then you won't mind gaining a few
pounds back, because by that time you like
yourself so much that you understand that
a few pounds are very unimportant. That
is very, very, very hard. But achieving
that is the best thing that can happen to
you, because then, you will be happy!
:d sorry for rambling on. Nothing new
there, and it may not change the way you
feel, but there's no harm in trying!
My only advice is this: stick to
counselling, even if you don't want to.
Force yourself. I can tell from your
posts that you are intelligent, sensitive
girls. One day, the counsellor will get
through to you. Just keep going there.
Treat it as the one good thing you are
doing for yourself.
