Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

Im Having An Affair!!!!!!!help (Page 1)

Hey I have messed up my life a bit and need some advice??

Im 28 an have been married for just over 2 years to my wife who is pregnant. However on our honeymoon I booked single beds by mistake an she wouldnt sleep beside me in a single bed never mind make love to me ( dont stay at the hilton) I took my ring off through it at her an stormed off for a couple of hours...The rest of the honeymoon wasnt that bad but it was the start off most of the problems.


We have had a stormy 2 years mostly not getting on we dont do much together and up until about 4 weeks ago made love about twice a week.However its only now we have realized we are 2 totaly diferent people she is a school teacher who is very serious and very straight down the line about every thing and finds it very hard to show affection, I am totally the opposite very laid back and love showing affection..She has realized there is a problem and therefore has me going to marrige counciling something I do for a bit of piece and quite but have completly no interest in..


All of the above is a problem but the main problem is that I have feel in love with one of my employees .. She is 24 stunning and has also fell totally in love with me.. I have found my soul mate we have soo much in common and have an amazing time together. We have made love but I dont think its about that anymore we just love being together and spending time with one another so much so that we have decided to be together, something that will break my wifes heart...

What should I do ? How do I let her down? I know I am totally heartless for doing it in the first place but I wasnt happy.

Im interested to know a womans opinion on this , maybe someone who is allready married..
If I leave her I will still take care of her financially. As well as the baby I will love with all my heart.


I know I shouldnt have done it!!

Please reply it took me ages to type im a one finger wonder typist.


Last edited by ocean on July 19th, 2004 06:28 AM; edited 1 time in total
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replied July 15th, 2004
Well first, let me agree with you on the fact that you were wrong to have an affair, dead wrong. In my opinion it is the most disrespectful thing one can do to their partner. Being unhappy is by no means justification for what you have done. Now that thats said, let me attempt to help in some way. Starting right now you have to be 100% open and honest with yourself and your wife, no more lies. You are right by thinking that she is going to be completely heartbroken. And you have to understand, that what you have done is the biggest breach of trust. If you are 100% truely not happy in your marriage, and there is nothing wrong with that you are certainly intitled to your feelings and should own them, then just tell her and don't wait any longer. Now I wouldn't go into great detail about whom you had an affair with, or how you feel about your mistress, your wife doesn't need to know that and in my opinion it just adds insult to injury. You also have to be completely prepared for how your wife is going to respond, and it probably won't be pretty. One thing do not try and justify your actions to her, or do not make it out to be all her fault. She can't not be held responsible for your actions. Maybe she hasn't been the perfect wife, but you haven't exactly been the best husband. Now if you want out of the marriage, and I am sure she will too, are you prepared for divorce, especially when there is a baby on the way. Divorce can be very messy, even more so when there are children involved. You have to think about custody, and finances, and property etc. Just be prepared for the worst and I would say you should expect it. One more thing, don't assume that people will feel sorry for you, I certainly do not, being female and married. I just hope that for the sake of your unborn child you and your wife are able to come to some sort of agreement where the childs best interest is priority. Good luck
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replied July 15th, 2004
Thanks for your advice, at least you have been honest.. It looks like this weekend might be a very bad one.. I am not asuming people will feel sorry for me quite the opposite in fact I will loss alot of friends out of this and will be very much hated by my family but I have kinda tried to prepare myself for it..Hopefully people will get over it. Im really not a bad person you know.

I wish I didnt feel like this about this girl but I do, and im gonna have to bite the bullet.
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replied July 15th, 2004
Re: I'm Having An Affair
Well, i'm a married women, and I guess what I would have to say about the situation is that I would hope that my husband would have enough respect for me as his friend to tell me that he was unhappy before the affair started. Why, if you have been unhappy for almost the whole marriage have you stayed with her, and have a baby on top of that? Of course I understand not everything in life is planned. I think I would have to say now that your top priority should be your unborn child. And when this child is born, that he or she should come first in your life... Even before your new relationships. Be the best dad (not just a father) that you know how to be, because this child isn't even born yet, and already his or her life is gonna be harder than it should be. But staying with your wife for the baby is not the right thing to do, and you should not even concider it. That's probably going to be your family's first reaction. Just be there for her, and the baby...If she will let you. This will be very hard for her, and she may never forgive you so you should probably not expect that. Once the baby comes your life is no longer about you... I know I have four children. Good luck!
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replied July 15th, 2004
I dont think she will ever forgive me ever!!! She talks about affairs all the time and I think I will be near enough killed.. How have you had such a good marrige?If you dont mind me asking?
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replied July 15th, 2004
Re: I'm Having An Affair
I think that a good marriage is in the eye of the beholder(s). Your marriage is what you make of it. I have only been married for 6 years, but we have been together for 10. We made sure that we really wanted to be married to each other, and we made an agreement with each other that we would never ger a divorce...Ever! We talk about everything, and are extreamly open with each other. I think our best secret is that we were bestfriends before we got married, and stayed that way after. My husband would pick me over his friend every day of the week, and twice on sunday. And vise versa. But not every marriage is that blessed... I feel extreamly lucky to have found someone that I want to be around 24 hours a day... We never need the "time apart" that most couples strugle with. I wish you the best, and hope that you can find someone like that.
Wendy
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replied July 15th, 2004
I think that was the start of the problem that I found the person I wanted to be with, it just so happened it wasnt my wife..

You are so lucky to have found a best friend in your husband, that is the kind of happiness and contentment that I would sell my soul for. I have lay awake at night wishing for what you have got , it is more precious than money or anything material.. Thanks for the advice I might have to call on you again some time. Andrew
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replied July 15th, 2004
Affair
Everyone makes mistakes and I would never judge you becaues it is not my place but let me just offer a bit of advise.
Don't end your marriage and move right in with or marry your girlfriend.
Sometimes when you are married and unhappy and you find a person that you think makes you happy you don't feel that way after you have left your spouse for them.
Everyone changes a bit after you live together/marry. And she might not turn out to be as much of the perfect mate as you think.
Give yourself time to heal and get past the first marriage before you make another commitment.
Be honest with your wife and right away. It's better she find out from you then findo out from someone else.
And as a child of divorce I say don't stay because of the children. Children are smart and no matter how good of an actor you are they will know you are not happy. You can be a good father living with your child or not living with your child. Try to make it a friendly divorce (after she gets over wanting to hurt you) and that way you guys will have a better relationship and be able to work together to raise your child.
Hope this helps.
Erin
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replied July 15th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Ocean
Wow,would I hate to be making the decisions you are about to make!On the other hand to continue in a marriage that is unhappy would be unfair for all of you(even your child).I have been the scorned woman and it is a dreadful place to be-but in hindsite-i'm glad it happened.I am now married to a wonderful man(who just so happens to have been his best friend!)i did not plan for this to happen,it just did.I felt weird about being with my ex's best friend,but we are truly happy and don't give a rat's bottom what anyone else thinks.They are also not friends anymore because my ex could not deal with it.If you stay in an unhappy situation-it will cause resentment for both of you.Nobody likes to hurt anyone,but sometimes timing just stinks.The longer you stay together,the more difficult it will be to leave.Especially once the baby comes.You say you are in counceling,but only to keep the peace?If you do not approach it with a sincere effort,don't waste the therapist's time and your money!Best of luck to you.Pattyv
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replied July 16th, 2004
Yeah I know making a decision like this really sucks.. Thanks for you help . Hopefully ill live to maybe post the result of telling her, andrew
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replied August 26th, 2004
I'm anxious to hear if anything has happened. I have lived through an affair myself and if you still need advice let me hear from you.
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replied August 31st, 2004
Experienced User
Ohhh.... My God....
Thats how bad it is? How would you feel if she is looking all good and you be the fat one with the baby ? How would you feel if she would tell you that she haves an affair? Cant believe u did that!!!. Specialy now in this time when she need you most ! You need to stick together tell her and work it for the baby please! Do you have any idea how she can explain to the baby where daddy is? That just breaks my heart just try to work it out because I think when you met your whife you was pretty hot and she was the same , dont you see whats going on? It is just the sex untill 2 years lader when you wake up next to your new girl and she looks like s*** excuse my lag. But this is true now you got a baby !!!! .Hellooooo !!!!!


I hope you do the right thing and I will pray for you !!! Sorry if I sound like that !!!!


Good luck !!!!

Ps: write back
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replied August 31st, 2004
If it were me and you told me that you had an affair there would be no working out to it, if they do it once how do I know they wont do it again, I could not live with that fear for the rest of my life. If you dont love her end it, it will hurt more in the long run and who knows what kind of things you are spreading on to her and that baby if you are still having sex with her, that would be worse to me, to know that my husband was having sex with someone else and then coming home and having sex with me, that is discusting. It will be hard on her now because she is pregnant, I couldnt imagine my husband telling me something like that when I was pregnant.
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replied September 1st, 2004
Active User, very eHealthy
Please!!!
Where has through sickness and health, for richer for poorer gone? I totally and absolutly believe that people these days don't know what they are doing to themselves and their partners. Not to mention theire kids. Why is it that people say it's okay for someone to just pick up and leave when they are unhappy in a marriage? Don't you people have any kind of respect for your spouse? What makes it okay for this man to just walk away from his pregnant wife and child. When obviously he hasn't proven himself to be a hard working family member. I think that the dumbest thing we ever did in this society is create a environment where it's okay to just wake up one day and want a divorce. A marrige is more than a promise. It's a contract and when you break that contract you are no longer considered loyal in my eyes. Maybe i'm judgemental, but one thing I know is that there is no excuse good enough for any child or partner that says we need a divorce. With that said, you need to work this out and go to counseling. When your child grows up and asks why did you leave mommy. You feel comfortable saying because I fell in love with someone else. Crap! You can fall in love as fast as you fall out of love. In that case that is not a good reason. You need to try everything, and all your spare time you have working this marrige out. Stop sleeping around and maybe you could find some spark left in your marrige now. There is no excuse good enough for divorce until you have done everything out there to try and fix it. Take care of your responsiblity as a husband and a father before you create a new one with this other women. Besides, if this other women has the audasidy to sleep with a married man, what makes you think she'll stick with you. Don't you people realize that sex and lust isn't by any means what makes a marriage work. Ask people that have been married for 50 some years how they got there. They'll most likely tell you that it wasn't easy and that they had to do hard work to be happy. They will also tell you that they made divorce not a option. When you do that you won't allow yourself to just give up. I hope you people that are telling this man it's okay realize what you are encouraging. You have to earn your way out!
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replied October 29th, 2004
Think About What Has Happened!!!!!!!1
Sad you have had an affair and not only been deceptive but heartless enough to fall in love with someone else. Let me ask you a question what type of woman falls in love with a married man. What type of moral does that say for either one of you, were will the trust come in when you to get together after a while you will both start thinking, well I know what you did to be with me when you were married how can you be sure that this will work? You loved your wife when you married her, so how do you know things won't be worst what goes around come around. I am not trying to pour salt on either one of you but, this is not a good idea or a good way of living I think that you should or should have been honest with you wife and try other alternatives, if that cannot be agreed upon then decide on other measures, I understand you not being happy but did you stop to think how she felt or if she was happy, her position could have been the same but she respects her commitment to you and her family, it's not always about whether you can take care of her and you child financially because god will take care of that but you need to re-evaluate what is really important in you life and the best decision the three of you. As for the coo-worker if she loves you she will stand down until you clear things with your wife because continuing to screw her and spending time and further falling in love is doing nothing but confusing the situation. Good, luck and I am happy that you were mature enough to come to term with you unfaithfulness.
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replied November 2nd, 2004
Experienced User
Hey ocean- i'm married and have fallen in love with someone else too. I understand how it happens so I don't fault you for that. I have so far decided to stay with my hubby. We have kids and I just can't tear the family apart. I know that's stupid. Oh well- if you want to chat i'd love to try to help.
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replied November 2nd, 2004
Baaad Saaaal
First of all I can't believe that you would put anything positive torwards this problem ocean is having. When you get married you take vows and they are serious and sacred and you the reason there is so much dirt going on in the world is for people like you that treat unfaithfulness like it's a game and thinking that nobody will get hurt and as far as you say you fell in love with somebody else further more lets me know how immature your view of love is because as a married man or woman you should not ever!!!!!!! Be in the position to fall in love with someone else. I suggest you get on them knees and ask for some forgiveness and stop giving false hope to people and leading them into mass destruction because that is the sad road you decided to take
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replied November 2nd, 2004
Baaad Saaaal
First of all I can't believe that you would put anything positive torwards this problem ocean is having. When you get married you take vows and they are serious and sacred and you the reason there is so much dirt going on in the world is for people like you that treat unfaithfulness like it's a game and thinking that nobody will get hurt and as far as you say you fell in love with somebody else further more lets me know how immature your view of love is because as a married man or woman you should not ever!!!!!!! Be in the position to fall in love with someone else. I suggest you get on them knees and ask for some forgiveness and stop giving false hope to people and leading them into mass destruction Embarassed because that is the sad road you decided to take
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replied November 2nd, 2004
Experienced User
Don't knock me until you've been there girl. You don't know much about my situation nor are all the troubles in the world due to me or people like me. But hey- if it makes you feel better to say so then go ahead. It doesn't hurt me any.
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replied November 2nd, 2004
It Doesn't Matter
What ever your situation is in your marriage that is between you and your husband if the tables were turned I would tell your husband the same thing there is no favortism in cheating you know the game baby girl. So no I don't see you cheating as an alternative to try to make things work in your marriage. So save the melodramatic excuses if you were unhappy in your marriage there are other alternatives to take so please to try to right your wrongs, and for the record my name isn't girl I have a name listed when you refer to me please do so as such I am not a child. Peace Twisted Evil
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