I don't know what the condition is but i'm worried for your safety.

What concerns me most is you indicated that it's usually you (or some transgression he's blamed you for) that triggers his outbursts. What happens when this starts to escalate? Do you have a safe place to go? Do you have children witnessing his behaviour?
He has to be given a reason to get help. A "kick in the pants" so to speak.
If you stay and allow this to continue, you're just teaching him that there isn't anything he can't do to you. His refusal to get help, while acknowledging there is a problem, is indicitave of that fact.
Perhaps a first step is to get therapy for yourself. It doesn't always take two. Sometimes in an abusive situation, therapy can give you insight into the motivations for his behaviour.
Whatever your decision, please be safe and I pray you get the help and support you need at this time.

Dear cheekymonkey
thank you for your response to my concerns.
I fully understand what you are saying and am taking careful note of your explanation. It is a tough one.
I have tried leaving, but have found that friends, collegues and myself have been harrassed by phone calls and what could be considered as stalking. I live in japan and the police over here find the situation amusing on the few occasions I have gone there for help.
The escallations you asked about start when I or someone has worded something that is not 100% clear or do not totally agree with his opinion. He is very articulate, very intense, one could describe it as suffocating. He starts swearing, pacing, acting things out, banging, smashing at times and grabbing me because I am 'not listening', or trying to leave at which time the violence starts. He acts like he is posessed and has been delusional on a couple of occasions.
He used to be very popular, but has lost all his friends, bar two 'loyal' ones who seem to recover from his wrath.
I am sure that I too, need counselling. I can't cope with the way he is trying to deal with his personal issues, which are big ones.
I'll seek some help today. Thank you.

Dear cheekymonkey
thank you for your response to my concerns.
I fully understand what you are saying and am taking careful note of your explanation. It is a tough one.
I have tried leaving, but have found that friends, collegues and myself have been harrassed by phone calls and what could be considered as stalking. I live in japan and the police over here find the situation amusing on the few occasions I have gone there for help.
The escallations you asked about start when I or someone has worded something that is not 100% clear or do not totally agree with his opinion. He is very articulate, very intense, one could describe it as suffocating. He starts swearing, pacing, acting things out, banging, smashing at times and grabbing me because I am 'not listening', or trying to leave at which time the violence starts. He acts like he is posessed and has been delusional on a couple of occasions.
He used to be very popular, but has lost all his friends, bar two 'loyal' ones who seem to recover from his wrath.
I am sure that I too, need counselling. I can't cope with the way he is trying to deal with his personal issues, which are big ones.
I'll seek some help today. Thank you.

Are you& or your husband japanese - I ask this only to determine whether there is/may be also a cultural aspect for either or both of you that we in giving advise should take into account.

Has his work situation/security of his job changed either before all this started or since?

What organizations are in japan that you can seek help from? Here there are many government/religious/non-government that a person can go to both for counselling & for safety.

Do you have any extended family you can go to for advise/help - sometimes when a person is abusive much of their behaviour is unknown to others which can create problems when seeking help whereas if others see just how bad he is & what happens it provides evidence that can make getting help easier.

I understand about the police not taking it seriously but perhaps they would if other family members/friends were also complaining instead oif "merely" the wife!!

Thanks for your reply, purple333
neither of us are japanese but the police here do not respond to domestic violence, unless there is documented injury as the issue is considered a personal one.
I have since discovered that one of the catholic chuches does offer help, but it is over two hours away and not accessible by public transport after 11:30 pm.
We are planning to take a trip back to the uk in a few weeks (if we can last) at which time, with the help of his family, we may be able to convince him to get help. Hopefully, his uncontrollable behavior will become more obvious to the people around him. For the past months, he has been going off two hours sleep after which he wakes up and starts (music, phone calls, excessive tidying, reorganising, drinking and obsessive thoughts). The problem is just getting him to a doctor who can help!

Given the cultural situation in japan & your isolation both geographically within japan & from family members perhaps you should consider staying in the u.K. If he a) won't get & accept help &/or b) it doesn't work.

This may seem harsh but you have to coinsider 2 things 1) your safety!! & 2) sometimes being harsh is actually the best thing you can do to help another person to wake up & get help.

Why should he take your concerns seriously if you are just talk & especially while you will be ignored by japanese authorities!!

Thank you purple333
i see what you mean about staying in the uk. We have got some time off and I am now looking into counsellors in his hometown.
It is going to be tough for him going back there and I am apprehensive of what is going to happen as there are some serious issues that he wants to confront when he gets there to do with his past. He thinks he can take everyone and everything on, but I am afraid of how he is going to react based on his behavior thus far. For the last two months he has been on a diet of alcohol and tranquilizers, and he acts as if he is always on the starting line of a major race and setting off.
As for me being 'just talk', hmm . . . I get your point. I am afraid of the 'timing' issue at the end of the day, but I really can't take much more of his mania.
Once again, thanks for your sound advice.

It is going to be very hard & it's very easy for "outsiders" to advise & comment but if we were in your shoes - well that's hard & action is even harder.


Even after you go back to the u.K. - sometimes it's good to vent to or get the view of an outsider.


Just remember that when you go home, there will be alot of places/people/organizations you can go to for help aside of course from family. But family may be suffering some shock themselves at the changes in your husband & his behaviour which by the sound of it may get worse if he hsa demons to confront at home!! Which of course may even be the whole reason (fear) for his behaviour.


Good luck & god bless.

Please whatever you do, be careful as to where he goes for treatment! My ex and I just got into an argument last night and he threatened to commit sucide and proceeded to beat his own face in. I called the police because I was concernd for his safety. The police said they were taking him to the local hospital to see a psychologist. They told me he would be home in the morning. Well I got a phone call and they transferred him to the city and is in a mental facility. He is now helpless and unable to leave. I don't think he would harm himself anymore, I think it was just an outburst. But none the less it is now out of his hands and has no control. This is ruining our life already. Please whatever you do, don't send him to a behavioral clinic. Maybe just see your family doctor.

Sara

Hey sara

it's obvious you both went through a really tough time. I understand how traumatic it must have been for you seeing your husband doing that and you definately did the right thing calling the police for help. Don't feel guilty about that as you were physically not able to stop him. That kind of frustration is overwhelming for both of you.

It sounds like he was put in the hospital for observation and help. You are probably feeling guilty right now and possibly afraid of the consequences. However, remember you did not make the decision to send him there, someone else did, a professional who judged that that was the place for him at that time.

My husband refuses to see a doctor. He sees himself as highly intelligent and can convincingly rationalize every action or theory. The agressive outbursts used to be rare, but have recently turned into an almost daily affair and someone else is always to blame. I too, called the police about a week ago and they helped me get some things together for me to leave safely. I was supposed to go back to the uk with him for help but after the last episode, decided enough was enough. I know that his old friend is helping him to find a counsellor to deal with one of his issues.

I don't know how long you two had been together, but we had been together fourteen years (married . Both of us wanted children, but there is no way I would put anyone in a situation of the sorts I have been through - he once even threatened my father who had just been diagnosed with liver cancer!. Because I was familiar with the outbursts, married, loyal, sympathetic 'supportive', and did all the things I was brought up to believe and told to do, somewhere along the line, I got lost.

I hope, sara, that when he comes out, you don't have to suffer any repercussions of him being sent to the facility. If he starts to blame you, demonize you or reacts like that again, then think long and hard and please see someone who you can talk to.

Thanks for your advice to me. I'll call his mother tonight and speak to her about him needing to see a doctor.

Maz

Hello,

My dad is kind of like this, though I don't live with him, and my parents got divorced, he is now on medication, and you should look around on the web and read about bi polar, and manic depressive. These are two things my father was dignosed with, and most likely your husband has the same. You may be able to learn more about the disorder, and it will help you to understand why your husband is acting the way he is, most likely it is all a chemical imbalance.

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He obviously feels he has failed somewhere or there is something heavy on his mind thats generally why men behave like that or when they feel helpless or inadequate

try sitting him down and asking him if thats possible or maybe leave him a note

take care

gavin

Let's not be too quick to assume the problem is mental, the media are keen on exaggerating how many people actually ARE messed up in the head. Sort out the drinking first, then see if there is enough of a difference to rule out mental illness. If yes, everything's fine then, if no there's always help if you look hard enough. Sorry if I haven't been much help.