Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

Why Is This Relationship Over ???

I am 44 yrs of age, and a few months ago I met a truly wonderful woman 36yrs of age, and we got to know each other via email for a month or so, then met for a date. I can honestly say that I have only ever been so comfortable and relaxed with one other woman like I have been with this one, and the feeling was mutual. Communication was never a problem. One day as I was leaving her house I said goodbye by saying "i love you", which didnt go down very well. Anyway afterwards nothing seemed any different. Then she went on a previosuly arranged walking holiday and came back in a state of panic about those 3 words and said it had affected her and she didnt feel the same.

I tried to explain that I said it out of a feeling of complete comfort and ease with her company, and it did not mean I was in love with her, but is just a way I express that feeling of warmth you have with someone you feel very close to. There was no other evidence to support her fears of me being more serious about things than her, ie no phonecalls, texts, presents, etc and I let her dictate the pace of the relationship, so I could not have been more laid back about it. It was just 2 people really enjoying getting to know each other with no demands. I tried talking it through with her a week later, but she seemed annoyed I had said it. The alternatives I said were that we either try to sort it out, or I walk out the door and we never see each other again which would have been a total waste of 2 very compatible people who got on so amazingly well. She said she wanted to go back a few steps and just be friends. I dont know why she would even want to do this as the sight of me must just increase her insecurities about my feelings for her ? I still dont know whether I can do this or not and have not given her an answer. Any women who might recognise this scenario, can you help please because my health is suffering through lack of sleep and no appetite. It just seems so unecessary.
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replied October 28th, 2004
Hi Hammy,
You did not state what has been going on in her recent past. How long has it been since her last relationship? Was she dumped by someone she was in love with -- is it taking her a while to work through issues from her last relationship? I am currently experiencing a relationship with a guy who is moving way too fast for me. We met within a month of my last relationship being over. (my last relationship lasted 3 years -- I loved the previous guy, but dumped him because he was unfaithful.) and it is not easy to deal with this new guy's, "i want us to be married" and "i want us to be together, forever" statements. (by the way, I have been dating this guy for 3 months! We get along great, except for the fact that he keeps going on and on about how he wasted his earlier years and is now ready to get on with the rest of his life, living it the way he wants it to be. Frankly, all of this "i want..." spells only one thing to me....Selfishness! When i've asked him to slow down, he acts all pitiful (as if I have just spanked him) and he agrees to slow down. But then, the next day, he is right back in that same spot, again..."i want, I want, I want..." frankly, being rushed and pressured like this is not a good thing! There have been plenty of times that I have wanted to end this new relationship, completely -- because he does not seem to want to give me the time that I need! (i hope this is starting to make sense to you.) trust me on this, it would be better to give her the time and space that she asks for, because it will show her that you really are a caring guy. Saying "i love you" too soon, makes you appear to be needy (and as if you have hidden agendas). Women want a man they can depend on -- not needy guys, who appear to be after something. (i did not say that you are needy and/or that you are after something. It's just that coming on too fast and too strong, gives women the appearance of that.)
good luck,
janie
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