Anxiety and Stress Forum - I Am An Anxious Spouse!

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Q: I Am An Anxious Spouse!

asked by: kc1216 on July 8th, 2004

New User

Hi all,

not sure if I should post here or I should find some relationship forum somewhere.

Anyway, i'll try and make it as short as I can although i've had nobody to talk to about this and I really need to get it out.

For a while - i'd say a year or two on and off, i've been a constant worrier. My worries also turn into thoughts of doom. I used to be able to get a handle on it but just can't anymore. It's gotten worse - I now have ibs, gerd which I am on medicine for and major major panic attacks. I've been to just about every doctor there is and they all say anxiety and depression. I do take xanax which helps but now the doctors want me to not take it - I am so scared about not being able to have this anymore - I normally take .5 mg at night or else I can't sleep.

I'm on a waiting list for a therapist - seems like everyone uses one these days so it's hard getting an appointment right away.

It's especially hard in the summer months for me - you'd think i'd enjoy summertime but now I just want it over with.

I'm remarried with one child of my own who I have 1/2 the week and his kids live across the country but we have them every summer - all boys - all preteens - very close in age. Our lifestyle is or used to be so much fun - husband and I would go places with other friends, do things, take long rides on the motorcycle, just be with one another the days I do not have my child. I find it very hard and now adays almost impossible to deal with each day when the children are here. I'm used to the fact we have them all summer long - heck, been doing this for a few years now but I can't stand it anymore. Panic attacks are almost daily. I worry about what the house will look like when I come home - what they ate, what mess they left, I get mad because I can't do my normal things now - we are going broke taking them here and there. I hide in the bedroom - why, because they have no rules - their father doesn't uphold them and they're just there and I do not want to see them. Usually I can say to myself this is temporary and it will pass - it's not passing anymore! I feel so guilty but I really do not want them here. They go away for the weekend with their father and I am counting the hours until they go - I want peace and quiet!

I've had some other life changes over this past year. I have been clean from alcohol for a year, i've changed jobs (for the better) and we have some more financial obligations. Could this anxiety and overwhelming feelings of wanting to just run away be from all of the above? Could I have subconciously been stuffing it all and it's finally got nowhere to go?

Anyone else feel the extreme guilts and wish they never had kids? I feel so selfish and miserable and nothing is helping. Even after they finally leave (in 4 long weeks from now), I know i'll find something else to moan about. My husband is a very understanding person but I think it's getting to him.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
kc

Replies(4)

myryboy

replied on July 8th, 2004

New User

Wow, sounds hard for you, I go thru it too. I take remeron, see a therapist once a week and also do meditation and relaxation tapes. They help alot. I am now pregnant with my second child and due in 4 1/2 weeks. The anxiety has been a bit worse lately. Anxiety, I have learned comes from needing to be in control all the time. It will disappear if you can just let go and let god. I know its harder said then done, I work with it everyday. It also stems from having underlying sadness and issues that you never dealt with. Therapy is good for working thru that. My anxiety and panic attacks were so bad two years ago that I couldnt work, go out or anything, it was constant, then I went on the meds and it took the edge off, I can still feel it when the anxiety builds but its tolerable, workable. Its a scary thing, but all I can say is try the above tactics and see if they help you., and when you are having an attack, ask yourself what is this attack trying to tell me, bring it on, dont avoid it, that only makes it worse. There is a series of great books called conversations with god, they are really great, try them. Hope this helps.

kc1216

replied on July 8th, 2004

New User

Thank You

Hi, thanks for your reply - I am very familiar with let go and let god - learned that in sobriety. I did it with the alcohol and wish I can do it with this. When I feel it coming - it's awful - I get numbing down my arms, shortness of breath, chest pains and just want to burst out in tears while wanting to run away. At work it is hard since I have a desk job and am out in the open. I'm also to the point where I don't want to go home anymore - especially today. I was on the phone with my husband checking in and I asked him nicely if he could tell the kids to turn the volume down on the tv before I walk in the door. I don't know why but loud noises really set off the anxiety and that is the first thing I come into contact with when I come home from work - a very loud tv with a usually obnoxious tv show on with kids around me and a messy house. He made a nasty remark to me and told me that he used to put up with the tv all the time when I was out of work. Said i'm getting pay back. I told him not to compare me with his kids and hung up on him. All I asked was for him to make sure the tv volume was down. Was I wrong? That's another thing - overwhelming guilt - totally overwhelming - feel like everything is my fault - I cause everything.

I really wish I had some therapy but being on a waiting list, not sure how long it will be. Every single doctor in a 50 mile radius has a waiting list - therapy must be very popular.

But thanks for responding. Going to walk this off now before I start crying at my desk.

Kc

RhemaWord

replied on July 14th, 2004

New User

Dear kc1216,

i am so sorry for what you are going through. I am also an anxious spouse. For me it has been building for years until earlier this year I started having ongoing anxiety symptoms. Myryboy is right about anxiety being tied to a need for control. I know I am a control freak and I don't want to be this way and I am working to overcome. I keep reminding myself that god is in control, not me, and that I don't have to make sure everything turns out ok. Sometimes this helps for a while - until I get controlling or anxious again!

As for husbands, I am having to work on just how controlling I am (and have been) with my spouse. I have convinced myself for years that I tell him what to do all the time because otherwise nothing would get done - but he is now fighting back (i.E., I have been suffocating him) - and he is letting me know that he is not the fool I make him out to be when I control him. Maybe you don't have this issue with your husband - and his nasty response re the tv was just him being a meanie - but my husband has made it clear that he can't take me controlling him anymore and that is why we are fighting more. I am going to have to stop my controlling ways - this should be fun after 40 years being this way! Lol

seriously, what I am doing is taking it all to god and asking him for help. He is my only resource and refuge anyway, and all i've been doing is running from him, too. Do you ever have the crazy thought that your afraid to give it all over to god because what if nothing turns out the way you want? (sign of major control freak! - especially since, right now, even as a believer, my life is so totally out-of-control it isn't even funny and yet, i've been "in control" - go figure) in reality, god is already in control and wants the best for me anyway - so how can I lose if I were to really let go and let god?? It's just the craziness the devil tries to put in my head to get me off track... But i'm on to his tricks now!

Philippians 4:6,7 (niv) says " do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to god. And the peace of god which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in christ jesus."

i crave for that peace and I pray that you will find it, too!

Hang in there!

Rw

p.S. Just in case you (or anyone else reading this post is a control freak) there is a book out there called... You guessed it... "the control freak" (forgot the author). It is awesome, not preachy, and really gets to the guts of why we control others and how to break free.

P.P.S. Btw I always capitalize "i", the "g" in god, and the "c" and "j" in christ jesus - but it is not always showing up that way in my post (other things are wierd, too)... Anyone know why?

vickiew

replied on July 14th, 2004

New User

Sorry to hear your struggles. But cut yourself a break. My mother was an alcoholic for 34 years and finally got treatment last december :d it has been incredible. But I also know that it is a life adjustment that can take some time. Find a way to stop the guilt you are putting on yourself. You have to be the priority in your recovery and you have to put yourself first. It is not uncommon, at all, for you to have anxiety now--i don't know your situation, but often times alcoholics had anxiety while they were drinking and that is why they drank--to self medicate. I agree with some of the other posts that relaxation/meditation is a good tool. Something that you can start to incorporate into your daily routine now--especially since you have to wait for therapy---that really stinks! Get all the books that you can get your hands on to educate yourself about this--i found that it helped me with my anxiety issues. Hope all goes well for you! I will be looking to hear how things are going.

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