You may think bulimia isn't causing you
any problems or that you can deal with it,
but believe me, it will cause you
problems. The problems associated with
bulimia are so many, I don't even know
where to begin. Fact is, it is already
affecting your health, even if you don't
know it. (i am assuming that you throw up
your food?) I threw up for two years
before I began to have serious problems.
I have now permanently damaged my stomach
valve, and my teeth were rotting quite a
bit. And that was only after two years!
If you haven't seen any effects yet, you
will sooner or later. Sorry to be so
blunt, but there's no way you can assume
that bulimia will not cause you any
problems.
In the course of your illness, you adjust
to all the difficulties you experience as
a result of your bingeing-purging
behaviour (at least in my experience).
That means, you keep devising new ways to
hide your illness from others. Thus, you
think you can manage and you've got it
under control. But you don't realise that
bulimia is actually controlling you, it's
ruling your life. Maybe you should take a
few moments and think about all the
changes in your life as a result of
bulimia. Can you eat out with friends
without problems? Can you go to the
restaurant, or a dinner party without
panicking? Can you treat yourself to
something delicious without feeling guilty
and like a loser, and vomiting afterwards?
Can you enjoy life without constantly
worrying at the back of your mind about
how you look and how much you weigh?
For me, the answer to these questions was
no, no, no. I have been in therapy for
over a year and it's doing me a world of
good. Sure, I did get strong urges to
cancel the appointment every single time,
and sometimes I still do get the urge.
But I always resist those urges, because
it won't do me any good, and the therapist
gets his money anyway, so the only one who
loses out is yourself.
I haven't vomited in two months, and I
feel infinitely better for it. Therapy
has played a major role in my recovery
process. The fact that you get upset and
desperate after cancelling an appointment,
as you stated in your post, shows that you
have a problem and are not happy. I would
strongly advise you to keep those
appointments! You are not doing yourself
any good at all. And you may think you
can stop purging any time, but the longer
you leave it, the harder it gets, because
it is an addictive behaviour, i'm sure
you're aware of that. Even alcoholics,
smokers etc. Think they can stop any
time, but the truth is, you are hooked,
and you need a lot of help and support, as
well as willpower, to stop. Please don't
wait until you experience a major health
scare! Life is far too short.
If you don't want help, I do understand, I
was like that for a while. I even enjoyed
being bulimic, in a way, because it
"allowed" me to eat as much as I wanted
and still lose weight (i thought). The
truth is, you do gain back more and more
weight over the years, and you feel so
terrible, life becomes agony. Everything
revolves around food and vomiting it up
again, and you lose out so much on the
nice things in life (friendship etc.). I
bitterly regret the years I wasted, and
the fact that my body is now damaged, and
for what? You will one day wake up and
want help. I know you will. Please let
that be sooner rather than later. I wish
you all the best. I hope you will find
the strength to realise that you need to
change your life, like I did. Good luck.
