Well tonight my bf and I broke up. We had been going out for 11 months (my longest relationship ever). I thought at one time that this was the guy that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, even though im only 18. I guess you could say my 'first love' as well. Anyways, I had told him awhile ago that I didn't want to go away to school somewhere and leave him behind (he's only 17, and going into gr.12 this fall). And he informed me that I shouldn't put my life on hold for him because he didn't want a serious relationship because we don't live in the same place (1 hour away from each other). I also told him that I loved him, and he continued to tell me that he couldn't say it back because he didn't know what love was. Yah, talk about a kick in the @$$ eh?


Well that was about 2 weeks ago, and I had been thinking ever since then that if this wasn't going anywhere, why should I continue wasting my time if you will. Also since then he had been acting weird around me, he wouldn't talk to me like he once did, and he wasn't affectionate at all anymore.

Then, last night I drove up to his place because they had this street dance in his town, and he wanted me to go. Well me and him were sitting in his tent drinking (because you couldn't drink with the adults, or the cops would get ya) and I went to sit on him, well straddle him like I always do. And he wanted to start fooling around. I didn't want to, and I told him that. He got all mad and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of that night. Later when we were actually going to bed, I was cold and shaking really bad, so I asked him if he would cuddle me and help me warm up. He said no because his back hurt and he couldn't lay on his side. I let it go. Two minutes later he turns on his side .A.W.A.Y from me. I was mad at him for that.


It was then that it hit me. I instantly (just like that) found him physically repulsive. Like I didn't know what I had ever seen in him in the first place. I didn't want to touch him, or even be near him. I felt nothing for him at all. And this was the guy that I thought I wanted to marry and have his children with. Next morning, he isn't talking to me again so I had enough. I told him I was going home, and left without even saying good bye to him.


Tonight I talked to him on msn, and I brought it up that I didn't want to continue things with him, because of how he acts and how I felt. And he goes on to tell me that he doesn't want to waste his time on me anymore and all this other crap (trying to put all the blame on just me...Bah). So basically things have ended badly, and I dumped him over the computer, this is something that I swore I would never do, especially to a guy that I once loved so much.

So now I sit here, and think about my new single status and I really want to cry. Is that stupid of me? Being the one who dumped the guy, but wanting to bawl my eyes out because of it, even though I know there was no other way. I know that he's probably relieved that he's not attached anymore, let alone be crying about it...

sorry this is so long, but I needed to get this out and tell someone, even if its to a bunch of people that I don't even know.

P.S- things will only get worse from here, because my whole family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles) really (i mean) .R.E.A.L.L.Y like him. And im not looking forward to telling them that we broke up. I feel like they think i'll end up with some druggie, or welfare bum because i've brought some real losers home before, but he was the first decent one. Have I made a huge mistake?