As a bipolar suffer I have experienced all the ups and downs and made mistake after mistake that I could not explain to anyone let alone myself. I was told I was irresponsible and needed to grow up. I am 35 yrs old female, and I am a grown up, but I have a disease. The best and most insightful I have ever felt was after reading "touched by fire", a book written by kay redfield jamison. She is a phd. In psychiatry and is also bipolar. She understands the disease from both sides of the fence and anyone looking to come to terms with their own disease or that of a loved one should read this book. Every day is a struggle, panic attacks over whether or not people can tell something is wrong with me, or afraid of doing something stupid that will hurt those I love. And love is tough. How do you ask someone to take on such a debilatating disease that is hard enough for the person who has it to understand let alone someone else. We often leave relationships on a whim, during manic times because we are so afraid of screwing up someones life. Or we are afraid they will leave us so we leave first. We have to live dulled by the medication we must take for the rest of our lives. And most sufferers are highly intelligent people, making matters worse. We seem irresponsible because we are too smart to do such dumb, impulsive things. Many of us end up alone, many commit suicide or end up so debilated we are hospitalized. And that fear makes up lie to the drs and thus we get inadequate treatment of the disease. It is like a merry go round or a rollercoaster. All in constant fear what will I do next to mess up my life? Or someone elses. But we crave the same things every other human being does- love and understanding. I would not wish this disease on even my worst enemies. I have become a hermit. The internet my only forum of human contact. I can't hold a job, I have lost all those I have ever been close to, including my family. No one gets it. No one is willing to get it. And we suffer everyday in our own form of purgatory. Alive, but not really living. Just struggling to keep it together.