Broken Hearted Forum - a Man's Pre-marriage Blues, Help !!

Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum > a Man's Pre-marriage Blues, Help !!

Q: a Man's Pre-marriage Blues, Help !!

asked by: sp16706 on June 7th, 2004

New User

Dear ehealth goers,

i'll make this as direct as possible. In less than two weeks, I will be getting married. I am 20 year old male, and i've been engaged to my beautiful fiance since december. However, as the wedding approaches i've been experiencing some strange inner conflicts that I haven't felt in the previous months. I have a feeling it may be more than just cold feet.

My fiance has had a rough past, much moreso than mine. She's done many things that she regrets... And yet sometimes she brings them up like they're nothing. It bothers me that I am not her first lover, and that there have been many other men before me. I didn't let this tarnish my view of her, even though when she brings anything related to her past up in a conversation, it hurts. After I found out about her past, it wasn't until recently that I started to think about my situation. I've had my rough spots in my past as well, but for some reason I can't come to an ultimate solution and deal with this pain inside. My entire life, even when I was given several opportunities to go astray with some other woman for a one night stand, I wouldn't do it. I wanted so badly to find that one true love for me. Now that i've found the person i've been looking for, I feel somewhat cheated.

I passed up experiencing certain things in search of something better. But now that I know my partner didn't have the same values, and will forever know what those experiences are like... It makes me wish that I could go back, and perhaps taking a different road instead. I fantasize about other women sometimes... Sometimes I feel guilty, sometimes I don't. I feel so bothered by this, because I feel like i'm missing out. And once that knot is tied, any wandering from the path of marriage will result in not only the loss of the most wonderful person i've ever met... But the purpose of my life as well. But how can I overcome this feeling of being unequal with my partner? How can I deal with this throbbing pain that resides in the back of my mind, and my heart? How can I shake the feeling sometimes that she thought of someone else while she was with me? I feel so confused...

In light of all the men that she's been with, would it really hurt to have one stand with another woman, and never tell her about it? Would that really make the pain subside, or will it only lead to something worse? Please, i'm a good man and I don't mean to hurt anyone, but something inside of me feels very sick, and I don't know how to remedy it. If anyone out there has had a similar case, or has anything to say about my situation, please say something. Time is wasting, and I need help.

Replies(14)

princess529_98

replied on June 7th, 2004

Experienced User

Marriage

Sp, it sounds like your having a bit more than pre wedding jitters. You said you feel cheated because you had the chance to do things and you didnt you were waiting for that one true love. I think its great that thats the route you chose theres not many men out there today that take that same route as you did. You said she regrets alot in her past I think we all do I think we all regret something we did in our past but we move on the past is just that the past and you try and move on as best you can. Sure maybe you did miss out on alot of oppertunities you could have taken but thats not what you felt was right for you you wanted to wait you cant let what shes done in her past get to you it will only drive you crazy. You have to decide what you want do u want to spend the rest of your life with this girl or you wanna go sew your wild oats as they say. But you need to figure that out and soon because when you get married it should be for keeps. You need to be totally commited to eachother and trust eachother. But you also need to let her know that talking about her past hurts you and that needs to stop.Like I said the past is the past and it should stay there.

zilbucks

replied on June 8th, 2004

Experienced User

I think that's really good advice princess...Also sp, just remember...That even if the wedding is in two weeks, as annoying as it would be to others, to not understand your dilema- you could postpone it. You are still young, 20 years old? Hell i'm 22, and I couldn't picture myself finding the one right now. I have alot of things in my past- alot that I am ashamed of and do regret...But I have grown from it. I do tend to bring it up in light conversations- jokingly, and maybe that is why she does that to you, she loves you, and the person you love- you are supposed to feel the most comfortable with, sharing your darkest demons, and of course experiencing amazing things with one another. I don't know what her experiences with men are, but I gathered from what you said she has been with quite a few. I have to say if that is what's really bugging you- the other men- you do need to talk to her and be open about it. I don;t know if she has cheated on you? It kind of sounded like she might have from what you said??? Just remember although you set a date...There's noone that is going to force you to do this at this time, it seems you two have alot of discussing to do- this is the rest of your life, and you do want to be certain- w/out a doubt and have no resentment towards the person whom you are to be married to. You also don't need the feeling of haven been "cheated" by marrying someone with more experience, or less values. Values do play a huuuuge role in marriage....So just to give you one more thing to think about...Sorry if tthis wasn't very helpful

princess529_98

replied on June 8th, 2004

Experienced User

Jitters

Zilbucks is right theres no shame in postponing the wedding for a bit. You really do seem to have more than last minute jitters like I said.You need to be 100 percent sure this is whats right for you. You really cant jump into a marriage with all the feelings you are having its only gonna make matters worse. You really need to take that girl of yours aside and both of you need to spill your guts to eachother and work this out and if that means postponing the marriage for a bit than so be it..It will be well worth it in the long run going into the marriage with a fresh start..

sp16706

replied on June 10th, 2004

New User

Thanks !

Princess and zilbucks,

i want to thank you guys for your input. Princess, i've oftentimes told myself that you can't change the past, and once it's gone, it's gone. It's not happenning now or ever again. That brings some comfort. I remember when I had talked to her about her past before, she felt very sad and used for what she had done. Sometimes she talks about it openly in front of her friends while i'm there, and I wonder if she talks about it more positively as a way of coming to terms with it and making herself more comfortable with it. And granted, the pain isn't as bad as it once was. It's been a rather long time since i've heard anything about it... She's had her mind on the wedding mostly Smile

i also thought about what you said about "sewing your wild oats" (great saying by the way), and i've decided it's just not for me. Before I met my fiance, I had really made up my mind that I was going to give up on finding "true love" and just move away to another state with my buddies and sleep with every woman I could find, no strings attached. Hell, I discovered about a month or so after we got together I could have been rowdy with half the female staff at my workplace! The more I look at it, the happier I am to be where i'm at.

I guess I just needed some time to re-evaluate my own experiences, and I came to the final conclusion that I walked on the edge... But was finely balanced enough not to fall. I guess that's something I can be proud of, and credit as self-worth. Nonetheless, marriage will be a great experience in itself, and will be one that is life-spanning. I've been wanting this for a long time, and for me to run out and mess everything up would be the most idiotic thing I could ever do. I'm glad I didn't sleep around in high school, or my freshman year of college, and I don't plan to change that track record. Thanks again for helping me find my own self worth, and to come to terms with things that cannot be changed. It doesn't take much to move someone, and you guys have done just that. Thankyou !

Sincerely,

sp

princess529_98

replied on June 10th, 2004

Experienced User

Yeah

Good for you sp I think its great. You can be very proud of the road you have taken. And also be very proud of yourself for the road you didnt take. Very wise choice in doing what you have done. As long as you are both honest and open with eachother you will have a wonderful marriage its all what you make of it. And from the sounds of it I can tell you will do anything possiable to make sure that happens. And just remember if you start falling backwards again. The past is the past leave it there dwelling on it will never make it go away just make you more miserable. Good luck to the both of you in your upcomming marriage..Congrats..

JanetBee

replied on June 11th, 2004

Experienced User

Sp - good for you, and I wish you all the best. One last thing to remember is that the person you met and fell in love with got to be that way because of her life and her experiences -- you said, " I wanted so badly to find that one true love for me. Now that i've found the person i've been looking for" -- well, the person and her qualities and her experiences can't be separated, they are who she is. Good luck and congrats!

misty28

replied on June 11th, 2004

New User

My advice to you would be to leave her alone. At least for a while.
I think that if you get married to her right now, the difference in the values between you two will lead to lots of problems down the road.

You said that you resisted a lot of temptation to sleep around. Apparently she didn't. Thats a big difference in attitudes between you two.

Right now, you are not married. But once you are, you will always be in doubt as to whether she is carrying on her sleeping around and you will be worried about that throughout your marriage.

I think your fiance should marry someone who has had low sexual/moral vlaues. I dont think that person is you.

There are girls out there that have values just like you. You will be mentallly better off with someone you can trust.

2ferano

replied on June 11th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

I think in marrying your fiancee you are cheating her.
Even if you decided not to, you still were considering having a one night stand now and not telling her? Even if it was just consideration then you are obviously not in love with her enough to marry her.
You said she had sex with other men in her past, right? She didn't cheat on you. There is a huge, huge, difference.

It is absolutely wonderful that you held out. Does that mean that you are a virgin? If not, then what makes you think there is any difference between you and her? If you are, then I can see your disappointment.
But the fact of the matter is that if this really bothers you then you should not be with your fiancee. It is not fair to you or her. You can look high and low for another virgin, and she can find someone who understands how life sometimes gets. No one has a perfect past and a person's past should not be held against them.

People have sex for various reasons. There is the obvious reason and then there are feelings of loneliness and the need to feel desired. Sometimes people (mainly women) have sex because they feel that it will fill some empty space in their heart and make them feel better. But, in reality it usually only makes them feel worse.
So, ultimately you would be punishing her for not feeling whole and not being perfect. That is just unfair and wrong.
Since all of this is in her past, then obviously she has found what makes her whole - you. If that is enough for her then it ought to be enough for you.
If it is not, then do not marry her. It is not fair.

southcoach

replied on June 23rd, 2004

Experienced User

Good Luck

My friend, I don't know if you are still struggling with these feelings because I know that this reply is much later than your post. It just reminded me of myself alittle bit. No, I am not about to get married, but I am in love with a girl who has had a much wilder past than i. At first, before becoming committed to her, I also felt the need to make up for lost past experiences and "sew my wild oats". I felt the desire to sleep with many women to "catch up to her" and enjoy myself a bit. But you know what, the decisions I made were good for me at the time. If I had indulged in numerous flings, I would not have the self-worth I have now. I take pride in the values that I have, as should you. You have to realize that her past is just that, her past. Even though I have not done the same things as my girlfriend, I have certainly done things I am not proud of. The fact that she recognizes this and wants to make an effort to be someone else now, means that she has good values now. Love her for her now. As far as the marriage goes, postponing it is a good idea. Also, you need to tell her exactly how you are feeling. But please, just be happy with who you are and take pride in the good decisions you have made. Good luck.

princess529_98

replied on July 27th, 2004

Experienced User

Well

Well, did he marry her or not? Lol. Why cant people tell the ending.Lol

pitterpatter

replied on September 4th, 2004

Active User, very eHealthy

That means he probably did! He's embarressed to post it though. Embarassed

anyhoo, wish him luck whatever he decides.

2ferano

replied on September 4th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

I feel really bad for his wife. If she knew how he thought of her she would never ever have even been with him let alone marry him.

pitterpatter

replied on September 4th, 2004

Active User, very eHealthy

No kidding! I think it's awfull that there is people out there like my sister who know they don't love someone and then screw them over by marrying them and divorcing them later on. I can't believe he's talking about a one night stand before getting married. People are sick these days!

abbott202

replied on March 15th, 2007

New User

a Long Long Time

Its been a long long time since this discussion, but i'm in a similar situation. Pitterpatter, no offense, but i don't think you are right when you say they "know they don't love someone". I think sp16706 did truely love his fiance. Its just very difficult and confusing dealing with the emotions of marrying someone who has shared that deap a level of intimacy with someone else. I personally cannot judge my fiancee, because we have slept together. I waited until i was 24 to have sex, because that was something that i wanted to be special......something that no one else in the world would get to experience but me and my wife. A level of intimacy that was reserved just for us. I have to say that i cannot help feeling brokenhearted that my fiancee has experienced that level of intimacy with other people. And yes, i too feel cheated because i resisted being that intimate with other women because i wanted save that level of intimacy for my true love. And now looking back, though i wouldn't change a thing i did because i feel it was right, i have regrets. And there's nothing i can do about it because i would never cheat on my fiancee/wife. I love her more than anything in the world. But, i am so hurt that when i sleep with her, i am doing something that several other people have shared. It makes that intimacy less special. I don't want it to, but i can't help it. That's how i feel. Its not rational. But, love is not just a feeling, so i don't think its really fair to say that sp16706 or I do not love our fiancee's/wives. Actions, whether intentional or not, can be damaging to someone.............its kind of like the idea of negligence in Law. Just because you didn't intend to hurt someone, doesn't mean you didn't owe them due care. I think we feel the same........regardless of her intentions, i wish my fiancee would have thought about me and how this would affect me. Now, i'm being a hypocrit, because i slept with her and we are not married. I feel someowhat justified though because i have only ever slept with her. But, its not a good arguement, so no one blast me for it, i know its a bad argument, haha. I'm not really speaking to blame here......i'm more trying to point out that these feelings are understandable and justifiabel. It should not so easily be said that we do not really love our fiancee's or wives. Don't be to quit to say that unless you've experienced it from our point of view.

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