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Q: Help

asked by: life4him4ever on June 2nd, 2004

New User

I don't know what to do!

I am so confused.

My husband and I got married after 2 months of dating. I am 19 and he is 27. We got married june 7th 2003. We are having a really hard time. We have not went through a whole week without seriously arguing to the point where 1 of us is crying and/or screaming. So yes, our marriage has been pure hell. It does have its good points but the bad is def. There!

My husband lost his job that he hated! 2 weeks ago. He has kinda been looking for another job but not seriously looking. He says he doesn't want to live here and he wants to pack up and move and just leave our lease in the middle of it to move to colorado near his parents. He hasn't lived near his parents since he was 18! But he doesn't think it is fair that I live near my parents and he can't live near his. He says he would rather both of us move far away then for it to be unfair.

In our early part of marriage we moved to utah and I hated it. I love my state and my surroundings.

My husband said he doesn't want me to talk to my parents anymore and basically said I am forbidden to talk to them. After awhile he said I could talk to them and he was just upset. He had no reason to be upset. After 3 weeks of not having a job and my parents helping with the bills I was just generally talking to my mom on the phone and she asked if he had any job interviews. I explained he had 1 but he skipped it because he didn't want to have to drive 1 hr to work so that is easily understood. My mom said oh I can understand. Well when I got off the phone my husband said he was sick of my family and to not talk to them again.

My husband is not really physically abusive alot of times he has to pick me up to keep from hurting me. He was a youth pastor when we met and he hates me because we moved to my home town and now he can't get another youth pastor job. He hates god he always curses now. Curses me out.
I don't know what to do. Should I pack up and move 100 miles to just have him not satisified again. We have nothing there when we move, no job, no place to live, etc. We don't have the money to even get our stuff there nor can we get out of our lease!
I am so confused! What do I need to do?
He was going to leave yesterday but I started crying and so he stayed. He says he can't handle me crying and that he loves me but he says he is sick of being married to me and living here.

Replies(7)

sarah88

replied on June 6th, 2004

Experienced User

Hey im a bit younger then you im 15 and im pregnant with my 19 year old boyfriends baby. We have been together almost a year through this whole relationship we have hit each other cried together orone of us has left girl I might be younger but I have been through alot he hates my sisters and they are the closet thing to me right now becasue "im not allowed to have friends" I dumped my to best friends in the whole world for him and I have to say im sorry I did it.I love him with all my heart the hurt and abuse will never leave my mind.Please be careful my boyfriend would prob. Try and kill me if I left him in another state to be with my family.We have controlling boyfriend/husband.I hope I gave u some hope please keep me updated if you can I hope things work out and I understand what is going on!!!!!

PattyV

replied on June 11th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Abusive Marriage

You say he is not really physically abusive.Just alittle??!!You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.Get some advice,counseling,whatever you want to call it.Anyone who blames you for their violent outbusts is a danger to you.You have your family nearby,ask them to help you.Never let a man tell you by word or action that you are not deserving of love,respect and kindness.I did not learn this until I was 30!!Do not stay in an abusive situation.Words hit harder than a fist and do far more damage.You can get over a black eye,but verbal abuse stays long after the bruises fade.You may be afraid at first,but being in an abusive and dagerous relationship is even scarier.I never regret leaving and my life is great(not easy,but great)love yourself-if you don't why should anyone else?
Be brave and be free!!

2ferano

replied on June 11th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Oh, leave him. Mental abuse is horrible also.
And I don't think he has any right whatsoever to ever be a youth pastor. I would not want a child anywhere near him.

He sounds controlling and wants everything his way. If you move 100 miles away then he will just have more control over you because you will be away from your family and friends.
If your parents are paying your bills right now he definately has no right to tell you not to talk to them. Tell him to be a man and go get a job!
And leave him! If he is this abusive now then it will probably turn a lot worse later.

breizyglover

replied on June 20th, 2004

New User

Abusive Roommate

I have an abusive gay roommate, and I dont know what to do. Help!!

2ferano

replied on June 20th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

Kick him/her out.

breizyglover

replied on June 23rd, 2004

New User

Help

I wish it was that easy, but we did move into a place with some of our friends. At the same time, they are offended by him, but I am thinking that all I need to happen to me is proof of brusing. I have gotten bruises before, but I didnt plan to go to the police. But now more recently than not, i've been trying to find ways for him to go to jail or for me to leave. There are a lot of things that we have together taht would have to be split before I leave. I sometimes just sit up at night and cry until the wee hours of the night because I dont have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to, since I have trust issues stemming from my ptsd. That really sucks but then it helps me figure out who my true friends are if any. I know thats mean to say, but what am I to do.

I used to have an online journal where I ranted and raved about the abuse, but he found it, so now nothing is safe. I guess in the upcoming months when I get my financial situation fixed, then I am definately leaving, and I will not look back. I have also looked for other places for me to live, alone and basically hidden wherever I choose to move to. I wish that I could leave now, but there are too many things holding me back.

kellie0330

replied on July 4th, 2004

New User

Abuse is abuse, no other way to look at it. I was physically and mentaly abuse for years before I got the strength to leave him. I went through hell. I was also 19 at the time, and what you allow yourseelf to go through will affect the way you handle other things in your life. I felt I could love my ex enough to change hi. Sure I got fed a lot of "im sorries" but they were just words. The more years that went by the worse it gor, the mean words went to me suffering from broke bones. Dont let him control you, please I beg you. My ex didnt want me to have anything to do with my parents either, he didnt want family to know what he was doing to me. Abuse is not love, no matter how bad it hurts, you will be so much happier in the ends. Marriage isnt about fighting, or arguing. Marriage is about love and respect. If some one is verbally abusive, there is no respect there. No woman seservesto go through such things. Look at it the way I did, do you want your children being treated like this by their spouse? Would it be okay for your own child to take such hatefulness from the person they love?
Please think about this, you dont deserve to go through hell. And the longer you put up with it, the harder it is to get out of it, even when it gets physical. It comes to easy to make up excusses for a husbands behavior. I did it for 8 years. I didnt even know what love was until I met mu new husband (not to new going on 4 years) never new life could be so great. Never new I could be loved so much!!!

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