Losing My Family As a Result of My Illness Posted: 05-18-04 10:36am
Hi...I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder
five years ago. I had my first psychotic
episode in january of 1998. I had just
given birth to my twin daughters. My
husband was very supportive and helped out
alot. As the years rolled on, I had two
suicide attempts, severe manic episodes,
and crippling depression--all resulting in
numerous hospitalizations. I was unable
to care for my daughters and I alienated
my husband. In march of 2003, my
husband and I separated. I see my
daughters three days a week and cherish
every moment with them. I tried to use
my time during this separation to
concentrate on myself and get through a
devastating depression. I could not bear
the guilt I had while being around my
husband and daughters and not having any
feelings for them. I was numb. Just as
I was getting a grip, my husband suggested
that we divorce. He has since been
living with another woman and my children.
I'm having a hard time letting go. I
can't help but think that if I wasn't
bipolar, I would still have my family.
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medic 1
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 May 2004 Posts: 3 Location: midwest
Re: Losing My Family As a Result of My Illness Posted: 05-19-04 06:53am
Of all the things I do not understand
about my wife, the one thing that keeps
coming to mind is: how much can I take?
Do you really think we can go years and
not know if you love us today? Will you
love us tomorrow? Did you ever love us?
My wife is diagnosed with depression
because all she will tell her doc is about
the low times and complain of stress.
She has been exhibiting symptoms of bp
disorder for only 7 or 8 months and I am
just about done. If your spouse lasted 5
years he is a saint. Please give him
some credit and praise. He has most
likely been in love all by himself several
times over that time, and I can tell you
that is hurt beyond compare.
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jessapph
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jun 2004 Posts: 1
Posted: 06-28-04 16:23pm
Dear 'cynbad',
my sympathy goes out to you.
I understand the emotions leading to
medic 1's reply to your post, as my own
family has recently been torn apart by my
mother's bipolar disorder, but I don't
feel that it is fair for him to direct his
emotions towards you.
Whilst I feel hurt, traumatised and
sometimes even angered by the
manifestations of my mothers illness, I
understand fully that she, at no time,
bears the responsibilty of choice over
them. ****this one factor stands as
paramount.**** that doesn't mean that I am
capable (or should have to feel guilty for
not being capable) of subjecting myself
(my own mental health) or other members of
our family to 'the situation' though.
Sometimes, after we give as much as we
possibly can, it's only possible to
detatch to some extent - in order to not
fall completely apart ourselves.
I feel, from your post, that your
husband supported you through your illness
with as much love and as much
consideration, for as long a time as he
possibly could. Perhaps it was this very
love, consideration and time that played a
significant role in your abilty to start
to 'get a grip' and recover. Sadly, you
have to come to terms with the fact that
during this process his own resources must
have become depleated to a point whereby
he needed to restructure his own life,
separately.
Although you must feel deeply, deeply
sad at losing the relationship that you
had with him, especially bearing in mind
your lack of choice regarding the illness
that contributed to this separation,
please try to hang on to the fact that you
do still have a family that loves you.
In the same way that your husband has
begun the process of restructuring, you
have to recognise that, rather than mearly
being a woman who has lost a great deal,
you are a woman who has *come through* a
great deal, and that this is the platform
from which you have the seeds to develope
your life, from this point onwards. It
won't be the same life as before, but it
is your life and your daughters' life.
Do not blame yourself for a situation
that you were powerless in, but also, do
not deny that the implications of this
situation were choicelessly life changing.
Try to feel positive about the future
that you have yet to create and discover -
turn any guilt you have regarding your
children into conscious motivation towards
being the best (most contented)
person/mother/role model that you can be
from this point onwards. The love of your
children is most precious and so obviously
given because they must now feel safe in
the knowledge that their mommy loves them.
What better building blocks...?
Keep on looking forward and remember
that you have *made it* through.
Much love,
jessica
|
citnam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Sep 2004 Posts: 2
Medic 1 Is a doing it Retard Posted: 09-14-04 05:11am
Loneliness is lying awake in bed at 4 in
the morning, after a sleepless night,
wondering if anybody will cry when they're
told you're dead. Loneliness is lying
awake in bed at 4 in the morning, after a
sleepless night, thinking you'd rather
just be burried, no funeral, priest,
ceromony, family or friends, because you'd
rather be commited to death as you lived
in life. Loneliness is lying awake in bed
at 4 in the morning, after a sleepless
night, pondering what you should leave in
your suicide note, or if you should even
leave a note because there won't be
anybody that cares enough to read it.
Loneliness is lying awake at 4 in the
morning, after a sleepless night,
realizing your family loves you, and you
love them so much you want to distance
yourself so they can't be destroyed by the
shadow that haunts you, and pains every
breath you take. Loneliness is lying
awake at 4 in the morning, after a
sleepless night, considering the fact that
people say they love you, but when they
find out you have a devastating disease,
and they too realize that it's vicious and
has no answers, decide to fall away from
your side, and abandon you to die. I hope
you hug your wife, kiss her, realize she
can't win the battle on her own, come to
grips with the fact the pain you'll feel
is a fraction of her own, and resolve to
help her survive. I also hope you get
mugged, and somebody kicks the living sh_t
out of you for writing what you did.
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citnam
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Sep 2004 Posts: 2
Cynbad36...you're a Soldier Posted: 09-14-04 05:21am
I know what it's like to lose family
members because of being bipolar, and I
can't tell you it's ok, because I know
what it feels like. It knocks the wind
out of you...And I don't need to tell you
what it's like. So I guess what i'm
trying to say is, you're not alone in your
pain, and realize you're loved by all
those who have gone through, and go
through what you're enduring. You're a
soldier, and just keep marching until you
win the war. You won't win every battle,
but if you win enough, that's exactly what
you'll do.
|
purplepaw
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2004 Posts: 3
Re: Medic 1 Is a F***ing Retard Posted: 09-19-04 21:49pm
Amen....... Xo
|
cae
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Sep 2004 Posts: 11 Location: MS
Re: Medic 1 Is a F***ing Retard Posted: 09-29-04 17:24pm
There is nothing wrong with what medic 1
said. It is the other side of the coin.
My mother has bipolar disorder. We
watched the ups and downs for many many
years before she got the treatment she
finally needed. And, as it will always
be, it is still a roller coaster ride that
is hurling at times.
I wonder sometimes how my dad can do it.
But, he comes from the era when divorce
wasn't such an option. You stick it out
no matter what. I respect him for that.
And, I hope one day mom will appreciate
it.
The behavior that one exhibits with this
disorder tears a lot of familys apart.
Expecially when not properly diagnosed and
treated.
Don't blame the messenger for telling the
truth.
|
mia
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jan 2004 Posts: 147 Location: dallas
Re: Medic1 Is a F***ing Retard Posted: 10-03-04 12:50pm
I completely agree!
And in response to " don't shoot the
messenger for the truth", this "truth" is
one person's reality not actual reality.
And truth should never be used as a sledge
hammer on an innocent by-stander's head!
Medic1 needs to go to some anger
management courses so he will stop lashing
out at complete strangers.
Mia
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Mommy2Seany
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Sep 2004 Posts: 315 Location: Sewickley, PA
Posted: 10-03-04 13:58pm
I dont usually come in here, but I seen
the topic name and felt an urge. My heart
goes out to you. I am 16 years old, and
my mother is bipolar (and does not take
any medicine for it). I wish that she
could open her eyes and see what she is
missing out on. We dont live together,
and I have a son who's life she is also
missing out on. My heart goes out to
you.
Having this doesn't mean it wouldnt have
happened anyway.
Stacie
|
atr
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2004 Posts: 3
I Feel For Everyone Posted: 11-04-04 16:32pm
My mother in law cant hardly handle the
grandkids coming around. We can never
drop the kids off and go out cuz grandma
cant handle them alone. And my wife is
getting unbearable. And I understand how
some would feel like the need to leave. I
have dealt with my wife three years and I
tell myself its not her fault, and go one
loving her,but the constant outbreaks,
name calling accusations,destruction for
no reason really wears a person down.
|
she who wonders
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Nov 2004 Posts: 10 Location: minnesota
Wow What About the Family? Posted: 11-05-04 10:16am
Being a wife a a bipolar husband I can
relate to the questions medic is asking
here....Love, just when, and how can
bipolar affected people just turn it off
and on like that???And for those of us who
do not have a mental illness just how do
we comprehend this???? I understand it is
a illness and feel for you but I also
believe you are in charge of your illness
and if you can not be find someone you
trust and then when they say you are in
need for different treatment or
hospitalization, or change of meds believe
them....Because there are times when my
goodness you bipolar people think you are
god himself! I am sorry if this seems a
bit hard....But I believe family members
of the bipolar person suffers just as much
if not more then the member of the family
who is bipolar! We care and can not turn
if off.....Sometimes I wish I could!
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Ruby of the Water
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jul 2004 Posts: 43 Location: Michigan
Loosing Your Family...never! Posted: 11-07-04 01:33am
You can never loose your family.
You love them and that never goes away.
Not even death can seperate you from the
love you share with you daughters.
I otto know....
My father died when I was 11. I still
feel his love and support today.
I was diagnosised as bipolar ii in 2003.
I struggled for 30 years and I would have
to say that like you my husband had a
grounding effect on me. My disorder got
worse as I aged and I up and left my
family (and were the baffeled!). My
daughters (ages 24 and 1 are still angry and
do not want to hear about bipolar or
depression. But I still love them. I
will always be their mommy.
Perhaps you are going to be better off
than I am. Your daughters are young and
they are seeing their mommy get help to be
healthy. The twins mommy focus all her
attention on them when she is with them.
Wow keep up the great work as a loving
mommy.
I know there are days that just the
mention of my daughters has me full of
sorrow and tearful. Not living with my
daughters feels like a lump of clay is
lodged under my ribs, it hurts bad! When
will the hurt leave? I don't know. But
I distract myself, or tap dance in my
kitchen, and get on with the life I live
now.
Have you joined a dbt or cbt therapy
group? Do you have a support team of at
least 5 people that will listen to the
tears and applaude you when you jump over
another hurdle with this disorder? I
pray that you will get to speaking with
people who are in your situation. It
really helps.
One of my support team members has
estranged children that they has not seen
or talked to in years so those days I want
to cry they have just the right words to
say to me....Sniff, sniff....
I can support you in prayer. If there is
anything else I can do let me know. I am
so glad that you had to courage to start
on the road to healthy living. Bipolar
illness is treatable.
Your children can never be seperated from
you! Ever! Your love keeps them
connected to you.
Ruby
|
she who wonders
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Nov 2004 Posts: 10 Location: minnesota
Respond to Ruby Posted: 11-07-04 21:09pm
Ruby: when you up and left your family
did you know you did the wrong thing or in
your eyes was it the right thing? And if
you don't mind me asking why did you up
and leave? My husband left many times
but when he returns he does not answer
questions that I need answers for. I
know that not all bipolar people are the
same however what they do is. Maybe you
could help me out here....Thanks she who
wonders
|
Ruby of the Water
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jul 2004 Posts: 43 Location: Michigan
Leaving My Family Posted: 11-08-04 23:50pm
No I do not mind answering questions.
I left 6 times and the 6th time I left for
good.
I was in a manic state when I left and I
wanted to get away from the craziness. I
took it with me however.
Looking at the big picture, if I had not
moved away from my family I would not have
gotten the professional help I needed.
After 14 years of asking... Not one of my
friends or family could see what to do to
help.
After the mania, which I did not
understand, it took three years and two
insightful friends in my new community
to get me the help I needed.
How long has your husband been on
medication?
Ruby
|
she who wonders
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Nov 2004 Posts: 10 Location: minnesota
Posted: 11-09-04 19:14pm
Ruby: thanks for answering me and I wish
you the best! My husband has been on
meds for 25 years.....His father was
bipolar also and was diag. The same time
my husband was...It took him fifty years
to find out thank god for modern med.
Sometimes I feel just so frustrated I just
don't know what to do to help him when he
does not and will not even talk to
me....She who wonders
|
Ruby of the Water
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jul 2004 Posts: 43 Location: Michigan
Husband Does Not Communicate Posted: 11-09-04 19:45pm
Okay she who wonders,
just an idea, when my husband did not talk
to me, and that was often, I did
this....
Every time I passed him I stroked him, on
the shoulder, his cheek, you get the idea.
Communication is not always verbal.
I got less frustrated with my
'non-speaking husband' after reading the
book, love languages for married couples.
(can't remember the author)
i am an extrovert who likes to talk and
my husband is an introvert who kept most
everything inside.
The language you want to speak is love.
There is many ways to express love....
Physical
giving of gifts
words of affirmation
acts of service
quality time spent together
so sometimes just trying another mode of
communication is more helpful than going
to a therapist....
Let me know if you have any more
questions...Ruby
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she who wonders
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Nov 2004 Posts: 10 Location: minnesota
Posted: 11-09-04 20:39pm
Ruby, I know all that but thanks, my
husband leaves does not call I don't see
him and have not for months. He started
adjusting his meds going down on his pills
in no time was hypo manic when he gets
like this he wants out. He is self
medicating now going up and down on his
pills and is by far normal. He gets
angry, and runs from the people who love
him the most. He does not want anything
to do with me or his children, when
confronted with anything he is doing that
is not exceptible behavior, (which is most
of his behavior at this point) he laughs
and says we are the ones who need help he
has never had such a clear mind. He does
not come back until depressed and then
when he does come back is on his way into
the hosp. And remorsefull for all he has
done. I know that stress trigers his
moods and in may this house was very
stressfull...My sister died, his father
died, our children and grandchild moved
away alot of change for him, alot for me.
I did not keep a close watch on him at
this time, however I am his wife not his
mother and at his age he can or should be
able to watch himself! Sometimes I wonder
is it worth it? I thank you for writing
back so soon take care ...... She who
wonders
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Gina1975
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2004 Posts: 4 Location: Portugal
Losing My Family As a Result of My Illness Posted: 11-14-04 23:00pm
Dear cinbad36,
i really feel for you and I don't have any
children because I am scared of losing
them one day due to being bipolar. You
are not alone. All the best to you.
are still angry and
do not want to hear about bipolar or
depression. But I still love them. I
will always be their mommy.
