I have been depressed ever since I was a teenager. I'm 24 now. I have 2 boys, one is 2 1/2 and the other one is 4 months. My depression really started during my first pregnancy and hasn't really got any better. It got even worse after my second kid. I feel like a horrible parent because I want to just be alone, not bothered by kids. I use to love kids and now it's hard to even tolerate them. My 2 1/2 year old is at the peak of his terrible twos and hes also add. He doesn't not listen to me hardly at all and hes constantly hurting me, (on accident though). With my 4 month old I hardly ever have any interest in holding him. I just feel so miserable all the time. I am a stay at home mom and also a full time online college student. My husband works during the day and he also has school two times a week. He also has a business he started with a friend so one day he's gone all day. We have one car, and I don't drive. So i'm stuck in the house constantly. I get out with my friends maybe once or twice a month. Any other trip out of the house is involving getting groceries. No medicine has helped me, and I don't have the money for a therapist. Everyone tells me how happy my kids are, and I see it to, so I guess i'm doing something right, but I dont feel like I am. I loose my temper way to easily. Can anyone help?
This sounds very much like a combination of postpregnancy depression - a very real condition - & isolation/loneliness.
It isn't that you don't love your kids, it's that you are hormonally a mess, alone - you lack adult contact - kids just do not have the same communication skills as adults & they may be cute but they can also be boring (i mean how much interest can you build up re changing nappies!!) plus kids that young are extraordinarily demanding - my 2 are 9 & about to turn 16 & I still have trouble getting them to comprehend that I have a right to go to the toilet without interruption!!
You need to talk to your husband (is there anyone who can take the kids for a day so that you & he can really sit & talk without interruption because getting him to understand will be hard enough without interruptions from babies!!) explain to him how you feel, point out that he must have seen news stories about women depressed after having children,. Explain how isolated you are, how tired (you must be tired!!) how you lack adult contact & need to have some time away on a regular basis from the kids & that he needs to step up to the plate.
It's fine, great in fact that he (& you ) are doing all this wrok/study to build a life for yourselves & the kids but there's not alot of point if you get that at the risk of health, marriage etc. The etc is real, it doesn't just happen to others.
So 1) get someone to take kids so that you & husband can
2) really talk & work out some strategies like
3) time out regularly for you, with adults/friends/away from kids,
4) him taking somemore responsibility for the kids care
5) any chance of you getting a second car? Even being able to take the kids to playgroups, shops, visit friends etc would be a huge help & make it more easy to get them looked after if at times you just can not.
Good luck, also you could try things like: valerian, viatmin b, long hot baths (if the kids let you!!).
Thanks for your reply. I do definately love my kids, but it's exactly as you said in your post. My husband does know though how I feel but hes not sure what to do about it. He helps out around the house when he is home, for the most part. And every other weekend his mom takes them for the night. So when that happens I feel better until they are home again after a few hours. Their is no chance of getting second car any time soon. Since my husband is the only one working, and besides our two kids he has two others, which do not live with us. So he gets about 20-30% of his check taken every two weeks. My friend will be babysitting my 2 year old 2 times a week at the end of this month, so that will help with getting more of my school work done. Because of being so isolated though I do not have as good as social skills as I use to. My husband and I dont get at much together except maybe twice a month and its always the same thing, a cheap dinner and movies, we cant really afford anything else. I do have a couple fo friends I can hang out with occassionally, but one of them has a kid and I dont want to get away form mine for an evening to hang out with another one. Most of the time I just fele like being alone with no outside contact. I've always thought i've had a social disorder but since so medicine helps I feel like mabe thats all I need is to be alone. I've felt like this even as a kid. I think that the main problem is money. It takes money to go out and have fun. Once my husband and I are out of school and I am working again ( this time in a career that I will like), then I wont be as stressed as I am now.
You really are in a tough spot - having two kids and no car to get out really is hard. I have a 14 year old and a 7 year old. My 7 year old was diagnosed with add when he was 2 so I know exactly what you are going thru. My husband and I both work so we had to put him in daycare, but he got kicked out of two of them and when they werent kicking him out they were calling us at work telling us to pick him up because they couldnt control him. They said put him on meds or else......... Well, we took the "or else" because we refused to put a 2 year old on medication. (and I still stand my our decision) when he started kindergarden we finally put him on ritilan because he couldnt concentrate and was disruptive to the class. Children with add are definitely hard to manage when they are not medicated. There were honestly times that I just wanted to lock myself up in my room. He listens to my husband more than me which aggravates me even more.
Maybe now that summer is coming you can have someone come over with kids so they can all play together while you get some adult time.
I feel for you, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone!
there's knowing & then there's understanding & that is really hard for a male - they aren't taught to do that whereas women are, plus how can we really expect them to understand post-partum depression & the responsibilty & total drain that comes with caring for 2 babies full time - something very few men ever have to do - they find women to help them!!
Also once every couple of weeks with your husband is not enough - & you need to get some variety in there - movies & cheap dinner one time, then maybe a play, or museum, or concert in a park, or a picnic, or just go for a drive & see where you end up.
But time with your husband as a couple while necessary (& in need of jazzing up with some bariety) does not replace a total day of communication, about what you feel, what you're scared of doing/not doing, what you feel you're missing out on etc etc, write it down so you don't forget anything - then the two of you need to come up with some practical solutions to each problem.
Ok, so a 2nd car is out but is there any public transport near you that might help you or you & the kids get away from the house? I understand that you don't want to get away from your kids just to be with a friend & her child but what about playdates (kids play, mums chat & chill). This would also help rebuild your confidence in your social skills, they're still there they just need some exercise!!
You might also consider joining an on-line group involving something you enjoy - as a hobby & because it involves adult communication & thought but is not study related so its relaxing. There are groups for just about anything through yahoo, msn, icq etc etc etc - my daughter belongs to a couple where they exchange gossip & write their own stories relating to csi - las vegas & there are plenty of other groups re tv shows, parent groups, general interest groups of all kinds.
Also don't be afraid to use tv as a baby sitter, better that so you can get some "time out" &/or study time when you're feeling vulnerable emotionally than doing something you'll regret,
I don't blame you for not putting your kid on meds when he was 2. I have a fear of doing the same thing. They can be addicting. I have a friend who was put on ritalin when he was a kid and now he is addicted. I also know what it is like to have your kid listen to the father more, I have the same problem. I've been told that they listen to the parent that is around them less. Kids are strange, aren't they? Their is a couple of kids he can play with. One kid, who he absolutely loves is 4. And he doesn't know it yet but it is actually his half brother. My husband just recently a few months ago started visting his son again after not seeing him for three years. He only sees him twice a month for right now. Then there is my other friend who has an almost 2 year old girl. Our schedules contradict each other, and it's hard to see her very often, but she is sort of a drama queen and it bugs me. Then my best friend has also an almost 2 year old girl, but she now lives in a different state. I have the fear of daycare because they've done studies and daycare kids turn out more violent then kids who are not in daycares. Their is also dealing with more sicknesses and biting and other things. I also don't trust anyone with my kid that I dont know. There are daycares out there that are mistreating the kids.
As for my husband and I spending time together, we dont get the oppurtunity to other than sitting around the house. I tell him we should go out after he gets out of work, but he comes home and we eat and by the time dinner is done its too late and dark out to go. I told him every sat we should make it family day, after he gets out of school, only now his classes this term last till 6 and he doesnt get home till 6:30 or 7, so thats sort of out. I do like the idea of writing out wha ti feel and go over it. For the first time last night he was understanding when I told him iw as depredded. Normally he says to get over it. This time he asked me if there was anything he could do. He always takes over watching the kids but I dont agree with everything is does. He too is add and he is forgetful. I can't go out when I get to without coming to a trashed house and then I have to clean it up. When he takes them eanywhere is half of the times forgets to buckel in my 2 year old and the only way he finds out is because the 2 year old tells him. The other day we were out and we have a van so where the baby is I cant see him really, he fastened them (or at least I thought he did) and when we stopped the babys car seat fell backwards on the floor. I don't know what I can do to fell comfortable with leaving the kids with him, or with him taking them. He is a great father, he just could use help in some areas, he never had a father so I think hes lost on some things. Im working on fiding free anger management classes, and other types of counseling. There are some, I just have to find them.
As for the public transportation I hate buses, their is always weirdos that freak me out on them. I also dont like the idea of taking my kids on a bus without seatbelts.
I do use tv as a babysitter, actually he probably watches too much tv. I let him watch it part of the day and the other I make him do other htings, we'll play together or he'll just want to be on his own. Im working on my license, after that I think I will be lessed stressed.
Thanks to you both for your advice, it has been helpful so far.