Why are you embarrassed? This is not normal sibling experiments. This falls in the category of sexual abuse. Go see a therapist that is knowledgeable in this area. You don't need to suffer with this. Therapy can help. I hope you do this for yourself.

This is a distressing situation that it still affects you today. I agree with antigone that therapy might help you deal with this. You need to learn how to let go of this pain.

Thank you ver much for both your replies. I have known for a long time that this is something I need to do, but i was told that unless there is a 5 year age difference then it is just sibling curiosity....I feel more confident now to obtain therapy perhaps at last I can move on. It is difficult as he is my brother and I am the only one who will have nothing to do with him. My mother thinks I just bear a grudge over something silly and should get over it. I don't even like hearing his name, I feel so much anger towards him.

The anger is normal, given the circumstances. Our emotions are layered. Often the outer most layer is anger. Anger is easy to cope with. If you examine under the anger there is often feelings of pain, sorrow, sadness and loss. Sound familiar? I don't know who told you that there had to be a 5 year difference in age. Sexual abuse is sexual abuse, no matter what age difference there is between the perpetrator and victim.

Once you have been in therapy for a bit you will be able to discuss how you let your mother know why you are distant from your brother. Therapy will help you cope with all the confusing emotions that accompany being molested by someone you trust. You need to heal. Then, you can move on with your life. All the best, luv.

Thank you Antigone, i had my first counselling session i sort of blurted it all out!!. Trouble is i didn't want to make another appointment, the counsellor rang at the time they said they would to book another session and all i did was listen to them on the answerphone!!
I can't explain it but now i wish i hadn't told the counsellor, i mean they can't wave a magic wand and wipe out 35 years of torment. i just want to get out of here, far way and do you know perhaps to not come back at all. i feel i'm in more of a black hole than i did before i spoke to anyone. i shall see the coundellor again as i'm not so daft as to realise this will take time. Thanks again and if you like i shall update you.

sorrypots,

Please give the counseling some time. My best friend attempted suicide 3 times as a teenager and young woman. It took her many years to tell me her horrific ordeal with being molested by a close family friend. He was like a brother to her. This caused so much anguish and pain for her. Psychologically she was really damaged. She was but a small child but blamed herself. It took years of counseling for her to reconcile these events in her head and not blame herself. My point is that it does take time. You have been deeply injured by a person that is close to you and all this time has gone by and you have never dealt with the backlash.

Sometimes the first counselor you see is not the perfect fit. If you find you are unable to talk to this counselor try a new one. It does take time to build up a relationship with any counselor. I went to counseling for issue myself and the counselor did have to cut me off at the end of the session. This can leave you emotionally raw when you leave. Ask the counselor to give you a heads up that you only have 10-15 minutes left so you can have some time to wind down and get to a "better" place mentally before leaving. Explain this to the counselor and I am sure they will do this for you.

You have taken the boldest, bravest step to saving yourself, rebuilding yourself and loving yourself. Keep going. The path is often rough and filled with difficult memories but you will come out the other side of this a whole, healed person. To continue as you are now is cheating yourself out of happiness and the ability to live fully.

Please, let me know how you are doing. You sound so much like my friend. My heart breaks to know that you suffer with this. You don't have to anymore. You can do this! Keep in touch, luv. Hugs.

The same thing happened to me, except it started when I was younger. Although I've accepted that it was abuse, I can't bring myself to confront him or let people in... It's different on the Internet because your identity remains hidden, but it's still a start... Over the past couple years I've been diagnosed with BPD and although it's a start, I still suffer from panic attacks because I buried it... If I could I would just forget it ever happened, cuz as a result I've blocked out a lot of childhood memories, but the bad ones still surface now and then... 'Newayz I'm kind of ranting cuz this has been bugging me more than usual... Basically I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one, and it's not your fault it happened... There's a line and he crossed it. Good luck, stay strong.

I'm sure it's normal to regret having told the counselor these things, and wish you could just go back to your 'safe zone' where no one else knew. Therapy might even be scary at times, but just remember that you are getting better.