in a sexual way and haven't been for almost a year now. It was very, very hard for me because I still loved Lee beyond all measure, but he moved on and is with that other woman now. He also said he didn't want to catch anything from me from the HPV. Still refuses to believe he gave it to me in the first place.

We didn't use protection for a year so tell me how he could believe he is not a carrier? He is a carrier. MeandMa, the doctor said he is a undoubtedly a carrier, like it or not.

I hear you on letting Lee work here but my vineyards come before me as I have this now $230,000.00 debt on my home.

In many ways, to let him come back would just make me drown in grief but I need somebody who won't cheat me and he was good about making sure the good workers were here and wrote down the correct time for coming and going.

This new guy has already cheated me out of a lot of money. People say don't pay him. He has tried to charge me for 5 guys for June 7th when I was out there working with 4 people and I paid that bill, now get another one. One dirty trick they do is wait to bill you three weeks thinking you will have forgotten by then how many people were here and for how long. I write everything down and don't leave the property when they are working. They leave at 1:00 and say they are here until 3:00 or 4:00. It really adds up. Also the thing about "too many dead guys". They will put down 6 guys when only 4 work. Dirty business.

Lee doesn't even get his e-mails. I wrote him about the meeting with the labor contractor who came out yesterday. They are the ones who planted the new vineyard and work on the old vineyards. He said he didn't get it. That new GF just erases my correspondence. That alone tells me to leave him out of here. But, I know he will do a good job for me.

I told him I am seeing someone and that he really likes me. Unfortunately, there is absolutely no chemistry there for me. He is a nice guy and sweet. Just not my type.

Thanks for praying for me. I know you feel confused. You should be in my shoes. I am totally torn apart over this whole issue.

Bobbie

If you can keep work away from sex, then that would be the way to go. But you say he has humiliated you. What if he does it again?

The nice guy from church sounds really nice. You can have men friends and not have sex. I know you knew that.

July 08,08.9:43am, the buzzer rang. It was Amy. BH answered the buzz. It took Amy a long time to get upstairs. Probably doing drugs on the hall ways.

When we finally got upstairs, I had put her stuff on the love seat and she took it right away and said she is coming back. I said, "You realize you cannot stay here?" And she said that she was taking the things downstairs and then she was coming back to smoke I told BH that when she calles again she should be told we are busy.

10:08am the laundry is on. I have stripped the bed.

10:48 am clothes in the dryer. I love developed countries otherwise I would have to be hanging the clothes outside. But some people still do it here. Washing mbae hand.

10:52am, laundry folded and put away. Back to the preacher lady.

I need a drink of water.

12:18pm finished watching the preachings. Time to have a

BH is doing really well preparing for the interview. He has had a trim on his hair and beard. Now he is walking to the potential job place just to know where it is. Please continue to pray for him.

I will sit outside for the , bask in the sun.

12:45pm is not lighting well. Got a phone call from the bank - telemarketing. I listened for a while then I told him I was not interested. Trying to get me to do a bank transfer for a small percentage up to April next year. And then after that I would find myself paying for higher than I borrowed. I hang up on the guy. I am going back outside. The birds are singing.

12:59pm. time for lunch.

1:11pm, I feel motivated to color for half hour.

1:26pm BH comes home and and removes all of his clothes but the socks - hot day. Back to collaging.

1:45pm now I am going to do coloring with numbers as presented mbae Homex. I will collage up to 2:00pm so that I have twenty minutes to get ready for the work. Brush my teeth, wash my face, do my hair, pack my meds. We are going to Tyler's for a BBQ. I'll meet the guys there after work.

1:58pm I have been skipping rope. Had to stop coloring and it is so much fun now. I feel intelligent coloring mbae numbers. It is almost time to start getting ready . Back to coloring. Off goes the timer. time to get ready. I need to wake up earlier, I need another timetable.

Haven't done candle prayers or smudge. See? Timetable.

7:20pm I am at the bus stop going to Tyler's. This is the single father.

One girl at work has been put on extended medical leave. Her shift on the front desk will be taken mbae a staff from distribution. I thanked the boss for keeping me in the duty roster. He says I have had problems but I don't let them affect work. That was nice to hear Bobbie.

7:38pm The bus should be here anytime. It is supposed...here it is.

You will never guess who I saw on the bus. Michael the guy I dated 96/97. He is still in love with me. He was hoping I have filed some divorce papers He thinks I have his phone number. Says to call him.

Had fun tonight. It is 12:39am, must get to bed. first we have to make the bed.

It is baby making night.

Love
Mson

9:59am out of bed. I have to stop beating myself up for sleeping in. It is a thing of the past. But I will try and get up at 9:00am. 8:45am was not working. It is amazing was 15 minutes of sleep can do for you.

BH had gone for his walk. The buzzer was ringing. It was Amy. I told her we were busy. She continued to buzz but I did not answer.

10:18am BH gets back from his walk. I told him about Amy and he said that is good - Baby.

I am doing my devotions as I woke up in such a rush.

10:24am we are both naked. He copied me. But I love it. We are so comfortable with each other. Thanks Jesus.

When I talk about baby making- it happens in our home 6 days in a month. We do artificial insemination. This is so that BH does not get infected with my AIDS virus. We have been trying since 2005 with one miscarriage Lord have mercy.

10:28am, breakfast. I have to meet Pascale for coffee/tea at 11:00am.

10:59am off to meet Pascale.

1:12pm back home.

I met Pascale and we went and got shoes for me to wear at the wedding coming up in a month. I am the Maid of honour. The shoes hurt like hell. They have already given me blisters. I have bandages on my feet. I am supposed to be breaking the shoes in but they are breaking me out.

When I got back BH greeted me with chocolate. Yummy. Fruit and nuts.

Time to have lunch.

1:28pm time to color mbae numbers.

1:47pm haven't been coloring. Just checking up on ehealth forums the place I love to be. I have to go out again. I have to go to the pharmacy and also mbae toilet paper.

2:32pm. I am heading out.

3:52pm back from the pharmacy and shopping. I should watch my preaching shows. I have two to watch daily (weekdays) and three on Sundays. I just love it. I am using my Gikuyu tribe Bible as a read along. My parents gave it to me for our wedding gift.

Watched the shows and watched the news.

6:15pm out for dinner.

7:59pm back from dinner.

Amy buzzed and I went downstairs and she said she wanted to talk to my beloved husband. I allowed her but said to her she cannot stay. She talked to him and then left. I said to my BH that he should not encourage her and next time she comes to stay, I will leave.

8:44pm I am listening to the birds sing. Heavenly.

9:00pm Time to take those God given medications. How I thank God for them.

Because of not waking up at 9:00am, I missed my skipping as well as my smudge and the candle prayers. As soon as that alarm goes off on a weekday, I should have my ass out of bed. How hard is that? I need discipline. God have mercy. I sleep in as I try to do the devotions. I keep falling asleep. Now I will wake up at do my devotions in the bathroom. Alarm goes off at 9:00am, as out of bed, make the bed and got to the bathroom for devotion. That should work.

It is 10:07pm.

BH is waiting patiently in the loft to give me a massage that he missed on Sunday and he will go through the baby making process. He collects the sperm and puts it in a syringe and then puts the sperm in me with the syringe. Every month we go through this for 6 days a month. There, now you got it.

Lovingly
Mson

Mson u r trying to be a mother again your methods of trying to get pregnant r genius!! u don't know how happy that makes me. i am going to ask God to grant u the blessing of a baby..what a lucky child that would be!!!! i can't wait to be able to talk to u again on e-health....i miss u very much and pray for u every day!! i will talk to u soon. PS the floor is looking really really good. Love, homerx

a bunch for relaying messages from Homerx. If I didn't know what was happening I could have gone nuts.

1976 when you knew Homerx, I was eight years old and so your friendship has last 32 years! Marvelous Darling. Anyone who can keep a friendship that long is a good person.

Say hey to Homerx. Tell him we have been trying for baby for a long time using artificial insemination and we always use condoms otherwise. It is about being safer.

I was dreaming about tiles the other day.

I miss Homerx. I must ask him for his phone number when he comes back on. A world without Homerx is not complete. One doesn't know what they got until the other is gone.

Anyway, I am at work now but wi chat later.

Love and Light
Mson

8:30am the phone rang. BH brought the phone to me and it was my fifth born George. His was with my brother Martin and my brother's wife Mumbi. She is back home from studies in China. Summer holidays. They were calling from Kenya. What a way to start the day!

My sister in law was telling how she appreciates that I told my brother about her experience with rape. She said she had no grudge against me and she has forgiven her uncle for what he did.

I want to write my uncle a letter and tell him that I forgive him for what he did to me as a kid. I have to let him know that I know.

At first my sister in law was mad at me and now she is grateful. She is about 42 years old and she had not told anybody. Imagine that. When I first told, I was 17 years old and then I was quiet until I turned 30 years old. When I heard that Oprah had been raped as a child or a teen, I felt not alone anymore and I started to speak out more about the rapes in my life. My sister in law says she is healed. My job is done. Thanks be to God.

9:06am breakfast. I was not about to go back to bed as I had work at 9:45am. See? Smart.

9:17am skipped rope.

9:21am Got ready for work.

9:31am, off to work.

On my break I went for the labyrinth walk. I met with a peer Maggie. She gave me a gram of Thanks Jesus. I went back and finished my shift. The shoes still hurt like crazy and I am insisting on wearing them. They are a nice flat shoe that I always wanted. I am starting to walk better. Last night was a punishment.

After work I went to the market and got roast beef, black forest ham and buns for lunch. Came home and had lunch. The last bill of the month came in on the 10th as usual. I paid it and then went to pay a couple of cards. Really trying to get out of debt. The balance on the account is 0 for the chequeing account but all the bills are paid. Now please God keep me healthy to report to work at the club. And give my beloved husband the job. Amen.

It is 6:34pm. We are going for Chinese food. BH has still not gone shopping. I can understand because the idea of him working full time earning ok money brought knots to my stomach. Change even good change is not easy. I can only imagine how he is feeling himself. Today I realized that I am feeling not too nervous and if he doesn't get the job that is fine too. But hopefully he gets it.

I will make sure to say the candle prayers today. It has been two days without a lit candle. I did the smudge though.



Love and light
Mson

You r welcome, Mson. Forgiveness is most important for yourself. Your declaration of your forgiveness to your uncle is, in my opinion, not necessary. Not knowing your uncle, i do not know how he would react to your forgiveness. In some cultures, it is not criminal to do what he did, nor even taboo. Are u also hoping for an apology from him? How would u feel if you wrote him and got no response? Some men (and women) will do whatever they think they can get away with--they have no conscience. They deny the wrongness they did. I know if he apologized to u it would help to truly shut the door on that violation. But u cannot count on that. Please explore your feelings before deciding to write him. You deserve not to be hurt or dissappointed by him anymore. Hope you do not mind my input. Have a good day. Peace, love and prayers, Bobbette

I am thinking about what you wrote and I can tell you it is a taboo in my culture to defile anyone leave alone a child. I am not hoping for an apology but I want him to know that I remember. Until I can talk to him face to face, I cannot completely let go. But because I don't know when I will be home again, I have decided to write. It will be a very simple note stating that I know what he did to me as a child. And I will tell him that I forgive him.

Has this sort of thing ever happened to you? Where you could not move on until you have confronted the issue. Well, that is what is happening to me. I want this issue to go behind me and writing a one liner to my uncle I feel should do it for me. I don't care what he does. I don't care if he denies it. I just want him to know that I know. I think I already said that. Anyway, I don't mind your input and I am still thinking about what you said.

I woke up at 9:00am. As soon as the alarm went off, I was up. 9:07am I had devotion and mbae 9:13am I was having breakfast. 9:20am started getting ready for the doctor's appointment. BH came with me. I really appreciate that. We left the house mbae 9:31am.

10:52am back from the doctor's office. We had beverages on the way home at Star bucks and went via the post office. Time to have

11:21am, I started cleaning the house. I clean on Fridays.

12:47pm finished doing the bath tub, toilet and sink. Did the dishes, wiped the counters and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors.

1:01pm, time to have lunch. I made a sandwich and sat outside and basked in the day. Later on I vacuumed. The place is clean. Thanks Jesus for giving me the strength the whole of this week to do what I have to do. Thanks for giving us a home which I can clean. I remember life in Africa Lord. Help me to appreciate you more. Amen!

In a few minutes I will be going to work until 7:15pm. From there I am going to meet BH at Tyler's. We are having another BBQ.

Then we will be home where I will give BH his massage.

I am ready for the weekend.

I will make sure to do my skipping after I hit submit.

Gotta skip and off I go.

Bobbette for everything. I could use all the peace I can get. I have everything I could possibly wish for but I am not totally happy. Money is not a problem. Lack of a child I can deal with. It could be immigration or my uncle or both. I am trying to be honest with myself. For immigration, I have filled out the right forms and they are with the lawyer. I have done all that I can do. About my uncle, my heart tells me to write. I cannot carry on like this. I cannot pretend to forget.

It is 2:14pm.


Peace
Mson

I think i understand. You want your uncle to know that u have not forgotten and you carry the haunting of being violated with u every day of your life--subconciously, if nothing else. He ripped your innocense from u--it scarred and damaged u. You can only hope your uncle has changed...i do not think he thinks u have forgotten. Women r treated like 3rd rate or worse creatures in many cultures. Cook, clean, nurture...even in the U.S. women r still not equal nor have the same rights as men just by virtue of a penis. If u feel compelled to contact him and you r sure it would give u some peace of mind without any apology or acknowledgement from him in return -- do it. However, i am wondering why u have not done this already if it would give you solace. You are forgiving him for your well-being. You r amazing to me, Mson because i do not think i could ever forgive someone who violated me in such a way at any age. I think i would try to block it out--forget. Nothing that horrendous has ever happened to me, but i struggle with forgiveness of lesser violations of the spirit by others. I am able to forgive but i do not want to have anything more to do with the person, in fear that they will hurt me again. That is not the case with your uncle...u r in Canada now...only if u return to your homeland or he would come there would u ever have occasion to see him. It kind of reminds me of an adopted friend of mine who at the age of 28 decided to try to find her birth mother. She got counseling to help her...she said she had no expectations of her birth mother, but when she finally met her, she was full of resentment and anger because her mother had given her up for adoption and jealousy of her half brother and sisters. My point is that my friend was looking forward to meeting her natural mother but was not able to have a relationship with her because of the abandonment issue...she thought it would be wonderful but it turned out terribly. You r not looking to have a relationship with your uncle--so why bother to let him know that u have not forgotten. Either 1. He is a better person now and would feel guilty and remorseful for what he did to u and contact you or 2. He has not changed and would deny what happen or try to discredit you in whatever way he could. Tell me, did he violate you repeatedly of just once? I know u would hope for result #1 and i think u r looking for an apology from him for a decent closure to the mess. You really need to delve deeply and know that it will not affect u if you tell him u forgive him and he does not respond. This is the most important issue for u. I am happy that u r in a better place now with someone u love and who loves u-u r lucky now--u have gone through a lot of bad things but have survived and those bad things have made u extremely strong and has pushed u to explore your spirituality and things that are most important. Had u not had these bad experiences--you may not have advanced to where u find yourself now. There is good in bad and bad in good. i am sorry this is all over the place. I believe we are here to help one another and learn and love and live until we get to go on to something of a higher order, hopefully. I hope u had a good day. Peace--love--prayers--Bobbette

I feel you and know what is going on within your heart and spirit. YES. It is a great idea to put it down on paper and mail it to your uncle. Ask for a signed receipt.

The way people get away with abusing is because nobody ever confronts them. Out of sight, out of mind. Abusers create such trainwreaks in the lives of the people they molest.

I know with Lee, the thing that sets me off more than the abandonement of the love we once shared together, the abandonement of my vineyards just because I sometimes yell and scream about some of the things he does but especially about his refusal to accepty responsibility about exposing me to HPV. He is like a parrot, we are all clean, all came back negative, it is you. I told him last night, well, my last test came back negative too and if I get three more over the next 18 months, I could honestly tell anybody I am negative but the truth is, I am HPV positive and will carry the virus until the day I die.

He says he can't work for me unless I never fight with him again. I told him I can't promise him that and then we get into it over the HPV.

All I know is today his old labor contractor came out and they did a super, fast job on fixing and redoing the mistakes from that crook who cheated me out of over $4,000.00. My old labor contractor, who has his son translate, said, take pictures and don't pay him any more money. He did a lousy job for you. I will go to small claims court to testify for you. I may just do that.

Where is Homer? Missing you.

Bobbie

Bobbette,

I have had a lot of issues over the years to deal with. HIV/AIDS for over 15 years. The relationship between my mother and I. Moving to another country. Death of Jessy. All these things I have had to deal with. I wrote my mother in the early 2000 and even though she never said she was sorry, I have been able to forgive her in blocks. I had not time for my uncle. I was mad and hadn't forgiven him. There is your difference.

It is only now I have had time to deal with my childhood affairs. I pat myself on the back for coming this far. I have talked about the molestation mbae my uncle since 1998 but I have never thought of a way of dealing with it. It is only now that I am dealing with it. Mainly because my sister in law told me that she forgave her uncle for the same offense. I too want to be free. It is not a matter of why am I telling him now. It is a matter of the fact that I am turning 40 years old and I am not carrying old garbage over to this other half of life if I get that.

Most of my problems are solved and now I am working on the deeper issues that I had ignored. Whether I see him again or not that is up to the gods. I am working on what I had decided not to deal with.

I was between the ages of 4 and 8 years when this happened. I don't know if he did it many times times but I remember him picking me up, spreading my legs over his hips and inserting his penis and carrying me around like that. He was young himself.

I have spoken with people who watch people die and a couple of people have told me that they have observed that people mourn not from physical pain but from the things in their past. Pain that no morphine can take away. I am cleaning my life right now. Don't want to groan about my past while dying. I will do something about it right now while I am still well. I want to enjoy my life from now henceforth.

for your concern. Feel free to ask any questions you might have.

Always with love
Mson

Homerx said to say thanks for the sweet words!! bobbette

Bobbie,

and congratulations on getting a negative result.

I have taken 4 HIV tests in total. Two in Kenya and two here. The last one I took to see if I was still positive for HIV after being undetectable. And guess what, I was still positive! So I can understand what you are saying.

I don't know my uncle's address but I can send care of my brother.

Sorry to hear about the savages who took your money and ran. Bobbie, you will be paid back more than triple. People who take advantage of other people like that never really prosper. I will continue to pray for you dear Bobbie.

Ya, the small claims court sound like a fantastic idea.

God did not bless you so that you can spend sleepless nights. He will help you put things in order. People like those don't get far Bobbie. I should be vigilant in my prayers for you sweetheart.



I will write that one liner to my uncle. Thanks for the encouragement.

Homerx?

Love you
Mson

I see-- u r ridding yourself of demons past as best u can. Do u really know that your uncle had knowledge that what he was doing to u was wrong? How much older than you was he? It is different when you r that young (both of You)-- u were the victim--he the knowing? offender. Did he have a stable personality? "To err is human, to forgive, divine." You r divine, mson!! Peace, love and prayers--Bobbette homerx will be back on monday probably...they r doing the other bedroom floor and have not re-set-up the computer yet--he sends his best to you and Bobbie and misses ya'll alot!

Yes I am trying to purify my spirit. I don't know how old my uncle was at the time of the incident. My mother was between 24 and 28 years old and my uncle is younger than her. Maybe he was twenty years old or there abouts. I don't count myself as a victim. Mistakes were made that affected me and my growth. I don't know if he had a stable personality. How could he? Looks can be deceiving.

Very grateful that Homerx will be back soon.

I miss him like crazy.

Always with love
Mson

11:54am I got out of bed. We partied until late last night. We caught the last bus home. I remember being upset at BH for telling me that once he met a girl on the ferry and then they saw each other downtown and went for lunch. I asked him if he was wearing his wedding ring the whole time and he said yes. I asked him why he had not told me that he had gone to lunch with somebody and he asked if he had to tell me about every lunch he went to. I told him that I did not want to discuss it any further and when I woke up this morning, there was nothing to be upset about.

12:21pm, I saw my high school sweetheart on line. We are very good friends. He was chatting from Kenya. He made my day.

1:39pm, too late to have breakfast, I'll have lunch.

1:49pm, I am having

Better have that lunch now...no buns! I decided to have breakfast instead.

1:55pm. Watching the preachings. I missed two yesterday as I was cleaning, so I better catch up.

3:24pm finished watching the preachings.

I am going to see if there is a movie I can watch on TV.

4:59pm finished watching The star trek. First contact.

5:00pm - News.

5:46pm, I am off for my walk.

BH has gone shopping. His chores are to shop, take garbage out and cook. When he gets the job - I'll be cooking. I do housekeeping, the dishes and laundry and anything else that needs doing. We share attending to the kitty litter.

7:10pm, back from the labyrinth. I sat mbae one of the benches and said my prayers. It has been a day. As soon as BH heard my keys ready to open the door, he ran naked to the door to let me in. My job is to divide and freeze the meat.

The shoes are fitting better but what a nuisance. Meat is divided and put away. Tonight we are having chicken Alfredo. Yummy. I so hungry...

It is 8:00pm. I might read my book and take a bubble bath. Watch shows with my BH.

Happy weekend
Love and Light
Mson

Sounds like u had a full weekend, Mson. Relationships r hard even the good ones--it seems like it always something. Why BH decided to tell u about his "lunch" with the girl on the ferry is unknown. Maybe he was feeling guilty..insecure...letting u know someone else might would want him...proud that someone "strange" was giving him attention. I know it disappointed you and hurt u. When u r married it is nice not to have secrets--but most all relationsips do. Men r strange creatures. I am so sorry he hurt u and i hope u can forgive him. You have forgiven others for much more severe transgressions. Follow your heart, if it will help u to "purify" your soul, by all means tell your uncle that u remember what happened. If it will help u in getting rid of the "haunting" of it and give u peace of mind, do it. It is just that i have known people (and have done it myself)--that do something they think will be beneficial and it turns out to be anything but. Homerx should be back on line tomorrow. You r in my thoughts and prayers--peace and Love --Bobbette

Your depth of honesty is like a breath of fresh air and the way you can express yourself in your true feelings.

Good for you. I say deal with what you have done here and now not wait until the end, for the end is forever. That is what your uncle needs to do. Look into the mirror of his soul and admit what he did to you as a little girl was unforgiveable. Molestation, plain and simple. I know you said your parents drank during the time you were little. Maybe they just weren't paying attention to you children.

I believe to stand up and point your finger in your uncle's face and tell him what he did to you was a total violation is the absolute right thing to do. Sometimes, when we don't stand up and speak up for ourselves, we enable the other person to wash over their sins against us and hang their laundry out in the sun to dry and it is like a new day. All forgotten. But, it is not forgotten. All the hurt we do to others is written down in the Book of Life and God is the one in the end who is going to do the accounting.

Last night was just so very special. Our beloved priest from South Africa, celebrated his 10th anniversay to the priesthood. He is such a blessing to us. He went over the joys he has experienced as a priest and told of a man who was dying of AIDS in Africa. This man had a wife and seven children. This was 10 years ago. At that time, people were afraid to even touch him. Father went to bless him and back when his wife called to say he was dying. Father held the man to his chest and the family was all there around the bed. He said he feel asleep and awoke to find the man had stopped breathing. He had died in his arms. Now that is what I call love and acceptance. I want to live my life with those qualities.

Mson, you have those qualities.

The thing about your husband going to lunch is not a big deal. He probably felt flattered. He told you about it which tells me YOU are his biggest and best friend as well as wife, lover, supporter and one who believes in him.

My former BF used to honestly tell me about thinking about being with that other GF. I would ask him about it and if he was with her that way and he would say no but he was thinking about it. That guy was something else. Now, he is saying the baby isn't his but is his best (former) friend's baby. But, the man has a woman he loves and totally respect's Lee's wife and family. Just no limit Lee will go to tell himself he is not responsible for his children as the court will only allow him to see his little girl one hour a week under supervision. Must be a reason for that. Could it be the violence of busting out all the windows and french doors in their beautiful home? He says only a few windows. I asked what about the doors facing the sun in the West? He admitted he did those too. I told him, this shows you are a very violent person. Why would your wife allow you to be alone with your children?

Long story short, which is impossible with me Mson, people build up layers and layers and they cover themselves and no matter what they have done to hurt others, they just brush it off and shine up their skin and slick down their hair and admire themselves in the mirrow for their physical beauty not considering the trainwreaks they cause upon other people's lives.

I am glad you are a survivor. That is why I love you so much.

I was at church last night with the new guy. I am thinking I will call and have him come over to swim today. Don't want to be alone.

Bobbie