her name is Melba.
Thank you so much.
I am going to get on my treadmill and walk this off...I am a good person. i don't need to feel sad for myself. i am a lucky man...just having a bad day but I will turn it around...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeSStezjj8s &feature=related
Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and
the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and
you really don't mind
You had a bad day
Oh, you had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and
you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on a blink
And the whole thing it turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Thanks very much for your thoughts. I have no doubt that you care. You are so understanding one would think you were there suffering as well. You empathize very well.

Thanks for lighting a candle. So touching.

Your prayers are much appreciated and I do pray for you and others every day I pray for family.

Today is house cleaning day. It is already 10:20am and I better start my chores.

It like a new person leaving the computer for housecleaning. If it was before, I would delay the cleaning to next month. Geez!

Thanks for your inspiration. I'll skip rope and light the candle.

When I am on my periods (time of the month), I don't smudge.

I give you courage and love
Mson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkwJ-g0iJ6w

love
Mson

thank you for the song

OK, well, I did my exercising and walking....I don't feel much better A little but for some reason i am fixated on Melba and how she could be so cruel..maybe it is because mothers day was recent... I feel like a motherless child...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCImJbG-OcI
I am going to get off here because I am depressing every one with my stupid crap. Or maybe I'm not...I think I need a Xanax...
Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean
Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean
Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean
Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean Calm Blue Ocean

Mson, do you think you will hear from your mother Rosemary? I never hear from Melba and I think it is because she owes me money and doesn't want to pay. I don't care any more about the money. I don't care any more. She has had a face lift and a tummy tuck and got new diamond and gold jewelry and a huge new wardrobe, new furniture and a new house in Florida..while I struggle to pay my bills. Once a couple of years ago she said " I know i owe you money but I am on Social security and I need it more." i am on Social security, she has lots of money from the will that her dead husband left her. Now she has married a very old wealthy man.She is not my mother. I was born from her but she is no mother to me. I try not to hate her. I try to pray for her. I don't feel it in my heart, I just mouth the words and God knows in my heart that i am saying bless her but i don't really care, I don't really mean it. I want her to hurt like I hurt. And God knows i feel that way and I cant stop it. So Lord, please forgive me I beg of you to erase the hate i have in my heart for Melba. I pray that you give me the power to forgive, truly forgive, her. Not just say i forgive her but to really forgive her. It eats at me. it is bad for me. Help me release it.

I am glad you had your exercises. Please keep them going. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

Here is something I was reading on the Internet and I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

What is the process of grief?

What is the process of grief? Grief is a normal and natural reaction to any type of loss. It is an adaptive process that has several components. Grief has been defined, "A succession of clinical pictures which blend into and replace each other." It is not considered to be a set of symptoms. This same grief is not only associated with the loss in death, but also losses associated with losing something very crucial to our well-being, whether it be physically or emotionally.

# The four dimensions of the process of grief are the following: Shock and Numbness - Upon feeling this, there are feelings of being stunned associated with impaired judgment and functioning and short periods of concentration. These are readily visible to the rest of the world, and are set up as protection which people use to help themselves cope with a loss at their own pace. They are able to function, but unable to hear or to feel.

# Yearning and searching - The person exhibiting this particular process of grief may be restless, angry, guilty, and have ambiguity which means the person is doubtful or uncertain about what is going on in his/her life. Usually, people want to withdraw and be left alone. There are a lot of questions asked about the "why and how" of their situation. There may be anger against God for allowing this to happen, or against others who may have been at the scene during the loss.

# Disorientation and disorganization - Feelings associated with this are depression, guilt and unfamiliarity. This is the time when the illness or death becomes a "reality." At this point, physical and functional problems become more pronounced, and people may neglect their physical and nutritional needs. If tranquilizers are administered to the person exhibiting this stage, they will further distort reality and the grief process is slowed down.

# Reorganization and resolution - There is increased energy, as well as heightened decision-making abilities along with an increased sense of self-confidence. This is the time of acknowledgement and bringing reality into focus. Although no one ever gets over the loss, a person gets through the process.
The intensity of these stages of grief change over time. The intensity within each stage rises and falls throughout the first two years following the loss, and it is also clear that the stages overlap.

Love
Mson

thx...i am at stage 3 i guess....

I am sorry to hear that Melba owes you money. They say if you lend money to a friend, consider it gone. Family too I find.

Really I don't know if Rosemary my mother will get back to me but I am moving forward. I am not sitting here and waiting.

This is a very tough subject.

Lord Jesus,

I pray for Homerx who you knew before he was knit in Melba's womb. If that was the only connection let it be. If that was the only connection between my mother and I, this time I cut the cord myself.

Please help Homerx to get his money back in Jesus name. He lent the money in good faith and now he needs the cash Lord. Either he gets his money back or Lord you bless him so hard that he won't miss what Melba took.

Give him sincerity as he prays Lord. Lord you remember how many times I curse as I prayed for my abusers especially the rapists. I prayed for each for two weeks and in the beginning days I was just furious. I told it to you Lord as it was and that reduced my anger enough that I could pray for those hooligans to say the least. Please help Homerx to come to you with matters as they are.

In Jesus name - Amen!

Homerx, I have cleaned the bath tub, the toilet, sink, did a few dishes, washed the counters and stove top, did the kitchen floor and the bathroom floor. I am just clearing the clutter on the tables and desks. Won't bother with my husband's desk he has to remove what he doesn't need. Soon after I will vacuum and get ready for my afternoon shift at the club I will walk to the labyrinth before work. Must have lunch in between.

Love
Mson

AMEN! Thank you, my dear...thank you thank you...I shall be released I know...I did my work out. Now on to folding laundry. I had some oat mill but I have no appetite at all, i forced it down so i could take my meds. I am feeling better, between the prayer and the shower and the work out and the xanex and all i will make it. No one and nothing will stop me from being who i am and no one and nothing will stop me from caring about others. Bless you and thank you,Homer

You are very mature and smart. You say that "I had some oat mill but I have no appetite at all, i forced it down so i could take my meds."

You know what is good for you and you achieve no matter what. For years Homerx, many years since I started medication, (1998), I took them with a sip - one sip of water. I get sick thinking about it. It is not until February 25, 08 that I started breakfast. With my sip of water, I would skip lunch and only eat dinner. I was killing myself without knowing.

I was hungry but I din't know it. I was angry and had no clue.

I am very proud of you and you are an example to me. I did the breakfast thing away from ehealth forums but I must add that the forums help me stick to my morning routine.

You helped me too Homerx.

Gotta get to work.

Love
Mson.

Still having trouble with the rest of the routine but I am making effort.

You humble me.
Thank you, my dearest and most precious Mson. I wish I could heal you. I would gladly take all your pain and all your illness and put it in me. To carry your load would be an honor. You have no idea...
Now get out there and LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neTV1CkDx6E

From a distance the world looks blue and green,
and the snow-capped mountains white.
From a distance the ocean meets the stream,
and the eagle takes to flight.

From a distance, there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,
it's the voice of every man.

From a distance we all have enough,
and no one is in need.
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,
no hungry mouths to feed.

From a distance we are instruments
marching in a common band.
Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.
They're the songs of every man.
God is watching us. God is watching us.
God is watching us from a distance.

From a distance you look like my friend,
even though we are at war.
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
what all this fighting is for.

From a distance there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
And it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves,
it's the heart of every man.

It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance.
Oh, God is watching us, God is watching.
God is watching us from a distance.

MDSO,

Today it came about that I had two white candles. It came upon my heart to light them for you and Jessy. I can see why you light candles. It is really a holy thing to see the light and to pray for the people in your heart.

Love you Mson.

Bobbie

I believe that you have progressed beyond belief with what you are opening yourself up to express about your childhood, the abuse, and then the adult abuse of taking from you when really there was no more need to take. You gave your love, your help and now you are expressing what anyone would be feeling.

You are feeling drained because you have probably gone through all of these emotions, feelings and expressing them that probably take people 10 years of work to get out. Good for you.

Remember, to give up the secret makes the secret lose it's hold on you. Only then can you let go of it and be healed of the misery it caused you.

Love you MDSO,

Bobbie

LIFE RAFT...................................... ..........October 15, 2007


When your little heart is broken and you're crying in your sleep,
And the world is full of strangers and the waters getting deep,

Just remember I'll be watching and I'll throw you a line,
And I'll pull you in slowly, and my sweet love, you'll be fine.

Because I love you,
And I know you better than you do.

Because I love you,
And I'll always take care of you.

The boat you're on is sinking and your life raft has gone flat.
And there's nothing around but ocean and nowhere to lay your hat.

Just remember I'll be watching and I'll throw you a line.
Just remember that I'll be watching and know that I love you,
And I'll pull you in slowly and my sweet love, you'll be fine.
__________________________________________ _________________
I wrote this about Ricky but I dedicate it and mean it for you as well.

This is poetry to my ears...bravo, my love! take a bow. I applaud you.

I have just been listening to versions of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag0xVGHw7cU &feature=related for the longest time.

Thanks Bobbie for the candles. Thanks for remembering us.

Love
Mson

WOW! You really made me C this entire day in a whole new light! I think you are right...I had a kind of therapy session here and by sharing it all with you on line I was able to feel heard.
WOW! You said "You are feeling drained because you have probably gone through all of these emotions, feelings and expressing them that probably take people 10 years of work to get out. Good for you. " I never once thought of it from that prospective. Thank You. You said Good Job and my face lit up...a light came on in my head,heart and soul! WOW! It was amazing. Thank you thank you thank you...xoxo

Is What I am talking about, how we love you Homer.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

Today, I saw this wonderful movie made in 2006 from Mexico about a 14 year old girl whose family celebrated her coming out with the traditional big party.

She had a BF who said he loved her and got close enough to her to ejaculate onto her leg. Believe it or not, she got pregnant. Her parents wouldn't believe her that she had never been with a boy before. She left and moved in with her gay cousin and her uncle. It is a beautiful and loving story.

Then the BF and his mother tell her to get lost as it really wasn't him and he has to get his education and become a medical doctor.

Whatever the word is for coming out for a Mexican girl from a good family, that is the name of the movie. You will love it. I did.

Take care,

As always,

MDSO,

Bobbie

we are all here NOW!!!!!!

Censenyera...misspelled of course...