To answer a question you asked about a thousand threads back....I too am a Cancer married to a Scorpio! I will be 51 this year and he turns 55. I am very proud of you for sending your poem. In my heart, I knwo your Mother will be touched, if she admits it or not. It took a lot of you to send it...............you are so strong and have such a great attitude! I love your TEA..........Nothing better than a soothing cup of tea and wonderful friends to share it with! Hope you all have had a blessed day! Hugs!

All of us Scorpios with Cancers or Cancers with Scorpios!!! Amazing and some what freakie!!! This is destiny...

Girlfriend,

Thanks very much for answering my question and more.

Yeah I had to send the poem to Mami so that it can be something like a last call. After your comment, I knew I should send it to who it was intended.

This is a sad affair but one which I want to put to rest.

I feel that I have a lot of support from here doing this.

In half an hour I will be at the AIDs office doing a course in Global Issues Training.

I'll play some computer games to pass the time...on second thoughts, I better clean the grill.

Aways
Mson.

Where are you?

What is happening?

xox
Mson

I was wondering that myself...I need a dose of my Bobbie!!!

I have said it before and I say it again...Mson is my Queen Your strength and determination are amazing...and your volunteer work is inspiring to me so much...I wish I had your wonderful fortitude and strength. You are the wind beneath my wings....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTXRzolPzFo &feature=related

for Lee to show up. He called and said he would be coming early afternoon. It is now 5:30. So very typical of him and his immaturity and inability to value anybody's time but his own.

There is a Chamber of Commerce event going on this evening. I should get dressed and go.

He was coming to look at my Viognier vineyard as some of the tiny berries are turning brown and I am concerned. Hector looked yesterday and said maybe I need to be watering for 6 hours, not 4.

Lee was also going to get his check for this month. I said I was tired of playing childish games and would just mail it to his P.O. Box. He freaked and said, no I will pick it up. Right there tells me that he has told new GF he doesn't work for me anymore. Otherwise all his special priviledges to her are cut off. She is welcomed to that lying piece of human problems. Sorry to be mean. But, in my heart of hearts, I know after he started being with her and still with me is when I came down with the HPV. Then she made him break up with me. They deserve each other.

I am going to get dressed up and go to the Chamber Mixer.

Love to you MDSO's.

Bobbie

Bobbie dearest, glad to hear from you...sorry you are still dealing with that child... In your post you say "Then she made him break up with me." What???? This is a grown man we R talking about, not a 8 year old child..I don't think she can MAKE him do anything. If he didn't want to then he would not have. Lee doesn't do what Lee doesn't want to do no matter what any one tells him to do!! U know that, sweetie..How old is he again? Can he drive? Does he have a phone and a brain? If he wanted to be with you he would no matter what she said...I am not being mean but,Bobbie, come on....you have got to quit blaming his GF for what he does...that is what he wants you to do, cant you C that? If you R pissed at her then he skates by like he always does....its HIS choice and HIS decision on whether he sees you or not or picks up the phone when you call or not, it is not his GFs ...its HIS! Geezz, I cant stand that boy... game player and mind manipulator!!!! .. Bobbie, what is it going to take?????
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10C68Gzd5GM &feature=related

Bobbie,

Your blood is Cherokee. Is that native American? Sounds strong.

I really appreciate your being sorry for what happened to me when I was little. Thanks so much. You feel for me and I feel it inside. Nobody said sorry to me about that before like you have. I hope my Ndandi doesn't chicken out but actually give my Mami the poem.

You said it hurts you too. That just liberared me for a problem shared is a problem solved or something like that.

Bobbie, you are good for me.

I love you and as I read your post again, I will have more to say. It is just that I am at work and my shift is almost over. Your writing is so powerful that I can only take it in bits.

oxox
Mson

To come out here and kick my tail from Texas and back maybe twice and hit my head a few times to clear out all this stuff Homer.

I went last night but was in such a bad mood, I didn't stay long. Came home and as I was driving back passed Lee. He came back. Said he was here on the ranch for 30 minutes walking around the vineyards. Everything looks fine.

I wrote to Beline last night. I am beginning to think that maybe it is not so much Lee as it is me letting go of having somebody in my life, just waking up alone is hard but I always did that. Just wish I had never been with him as this now presents some real problems for me.

You are young and beautiful and have Ricky to love you. 14 years is a very long term committed relationship. I was only with him for a year. It had it good times and a lot more percentage of bad times, I can tell you.

He came in last night and this time sat on the raised fireplace hearth. No more Walter's leather chair like he is king. Those days are long gone. I paid him for this month.

But, all the things to make this work out for me including my former vineyard manager who is going to come out and install battery operated timers on the nine new watering stations which will help me so very much as I have already fallen out on that north facing slope and going down into the Viognier scares me each and every time I have to climb down and back up that hill. This isn't working for me with the way Lee put it in. I already told him my former manager is going to put those timers on. I could tell by looking at his face he knows he is going to be out of here.

The new vineyard manager has his legitimate license, is a labor contractor, will verify that the worker's have valid Social Security numbers. Otherwise, if I get checked on, I could be fined $10,000.00. Homer, that is a deal breaker, right there. I don't have it to blow away.

I told Beline that I think maybe a lot to do with this of letting Lee go (which is a joke as he threw me away three months after I signed that contract but would still come over here if he had nothing better to do with his time). I believe it is the remembering of the intimacy and like you said, when it is good, it is really good. But, the bad times are so very, very bad it negates all the good times.

I woke up this morning and prayed for you, Mson, Beline, FairyGodmother, Lee and all my family.

Getting the house cleaned up as I will be having a wonderful friend from our glory days in Silicon Valley to visit and stay in the B&B. He is going to paint a watercolor of the vineyards for a second label.

Then got a call from a nice man from church. So things can't be all that bad, can they?

I am going to have to simply write a letter of termination to Lee that he can no longer work here. I can't do it to his face. The way he pleads and plays on my heart just makes me keep putting it off. And, he has done a good job and a job much better now that he knows he is about to lose this prized vineyard. I could do a lot better by never seeing him again. I know that.

I need you to stick a rod up my spine. And, protect me with the light of Christ that this guy or whatever that comes in to torment me about remembering him goes away. Going to call my Priest and have him pray for me to get rid of this burden on my soul and heart.

Love you MDSO.

Bobbie

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray to you to give sweet Bobbie the strength that she needs to relinquish her power to you and to be able to rid herself of this man who has become a burden and a drain on her spirit and her finances. Let her find the strength that is with in her threw you to do what she needs to do to rectify the situation that she has found herself in..Give her knowledge and strength to be strong and forthright in her attempt to remove the lust and power that she sometimes gives to that man. He is undeserving of her kindness and taking advantage of her loneliness since loosing her dear Walter. Make her strong, Lord. Give her courage to do what she knows she must,Lord. I ask these things in your most Holly name.AMEN

Some people are born upon this earth to go through really heavy trials and tribulations and yet they still come out of those terrible times and are still able to love. That is you Mson.

If you had not gone through each and every step on the path of your life, you would not be where you are today, helping thousands of people who have come to their own path in life and realize they need to hear the stories of other's who have walked the path they are on now.

You are brave and loved. Always know that. God saved you for a very important reason in His kingdom here on earth.

You know how things are in families. There sometimes will be the protector thinking not to share a message is doing the right thing. If your message doesn't get delivered, it has already been delivered into your mother's heart. It will get delivered to her, I promise you that. God will make sure. If not here and now, He will show her in a dream but upon second thought, I believe she has already received the message. Which is good. Better here and now than later.

In Christ and with love to you,

My Dear Sweetest One,

Bobbie

One more thing,Lord. Mson needs to find peace with her mother. Give that to her. I can do with out but my Mson needs closer or reconciliation. AMEN

I thank you for that beautiful, heartfelt prayer from my dear friend Homer.

Thank you MDSO.

Bobbie

Thanks very much for all your kindness regarding my mother. I cried Homerx when you said to God that you can do without and prayed for me. That is amazing. I have never had this kind of support before. I am very touched and even if I feel wounded mbae the whole saga, I am walking taller and I know more than ever before that I am not alone.

Bobbie, I was turning into an abuser myself . Always yelling at Jessy and my older brother talked to me about it. The next time I yelled, Jessy asked me why I was yelling and I could not believe she had spoken out. I hit her once and the look of disbelieve on her face told me never to do it again. She broke the cycle of abuse and now it is my turn to do the same. To carry on from where she left.

It hurts me that she died and so I want her death to be worthwhile. Not just her death but her short life.

She taught me a lot. That girl always had a compliment for me on her lips. She adored me and she truly loved me. She was very forgiving and I miss her. The intensity of the pain gets less and less.

I know that my other brother's wife beats her children and even my sister married to a pastor beats hers as well. It hurts me. My job is to bring this to a stop. I asked my sister what she benefits from beating someone that cannot defend themselves. She has never talked about that again. If I cannot reach my siblings, hopefully I can reach their children and if not, may I help strangers. Charity does begin at home though.

My thinking is that I will be the one to bring the healing to my mother however long it takes but as you said Homerx, sometimes the chance is not there.

In my mind I know that God has some work for me to do in this earth. It is to do with telling most importantly Jessy's story. She exhibited signs of self worth at a very early age. That is why I blame myself for being silent about the sexual abuse mbae my uncle before age 8 years old. I just persevered and never told anybody. When I got raped a second time before I was a teen, I never said a word. I just took it. The fear and what was going on would overcome me. Then third time and then fourth time...God forbid there be a fifth. Lord have mercy. Mbae the way, I have successfully fought of two rapists in my life. I hope I don't have to do it again. I feel safer in Canada. Thanks be to God.

I thank God for the two of you. For the strength that you have given me. For loving me just the way I am and for sharing your lives with me. Knowing you has made life easier. It has been a wonderful three months.

Homerx you pray so well it amazes me. Keep it up. You are angel. I always pray for your mind Homerx.

Bobbie, I have enormous for you. Oh, I was about to ask you what MDSO means but you are already ahead of me.

Love
Mson

Rape is never about anything but abuse and the supposed power it gives to a person. What kind of power does it give to a person raping a small child? They have to be pretty messed up inside to do that to an innocent small child. God help them. Because I live in a world where children are supposed to be protected, not let the wolves get to them.

Homer is right. You have honestly laid out your heart to your mother and I hope and pray that she can hear and get beyond her own terrible guilt of not stopping that when it happened. One thing that came to me today was and please forgive me maybe she was doing drugs at the time and not totally there mentally. That alone may be bringing up the trip that she doesn't even know what you are talking about. But, her heart knows what you are talking about Mson. A mother is a mother and forever.

Jessy showed to you she loved you. You were going through a terrible time being diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. How does a person respond to that kind of news? Not well and with fear especially then. Nowadays, people have a full life expectancy with proper medication. But, for then, you must have been clearly freaked out. I know I would have been. Have been freaked out enough over this HPV. Sure it is a virus, but we now are going to live with it for the rest of our days.

I love and treasure you and I wonder if you honestly realize how many lives you have touched with your love, honesty and just being a good and loving Christian?

More than you will ever know.

With love,


Bobbie

My mother was a pill popper and drank a lot as well. My father always got drunk....both of my parents used to beat each other...it was crazy. I remember when I was about 6 or 7 hearing them fighting. I got out of bed and went to the kitchen where they were. They were drunk. My father had my mother by the hair and was throwing her around by the hair while she was taking swings at him with a pan. My mother saw me in the door.I said please stop hurting each other. She yelled at me to go back to bed. She did not care that I was traumatized. My little brother was in the bed and I told him to pull the covers over his head and I shut the door and lay there and listened to them beat each other. they never apologized or came to check on us or anything. They just fought and then went to bed and had sex while there 3 little children lay heartbroken and silent in there beds...I dont know why I am telling this...it makes me sad. I try to forgive my parents. it is so hard to do. My father has admitted his mistakes and I have forgiven him. My mother..mother...I hate that word sometimes. She has never owned up or apologized for anything in her entire life. And she sleeps like a baby. Not a care in the world. It is so hard not to hate her. Pray for me because i can not pray about her any more. My heart is scared . I try not to hate her,that is the best i can do.
When i was a child my parents would leave each other for other people. My mother once was gone when i got home from school and my father said" Your mother left us for another man." That was it...She came and went as he also came and went. No regard for the children. It was about them, there sex life, there party...they had us kids because we were the result of unprotected sex...Lord help me get rid of the bitterness in my heart. I don't want to hate. I want to love.

You too have suffered, and suffered greatly by parents abusing you and your little brother and I am guessing here, a little sister.

Parents who are so out of control on drugs don't have a clue the emotional, physical and spiritual damage they do to their own children.

You are right Homer, some people can sleep like a baby and never own up to the misery they cause others, especially their own children. You and Mson have both been through hell and back with your own parents. That just puts an arrow through my heart to look and see what happened to you both.

You are loved Homer. I wake up each morning and immediately pray for you, Mson, Beline, Lee (our eHealth Lee) and even Lee, my children, my grand-children and great-grandchildren.

I am cleaning my house and had to put up new candles. In Walter's room on my desk is a beautiful lamp which had to candles in it. When we went to Sacramento last August for the wine award's ceremony to pour our wines, I got back the next day and it was 105 degrees in the house. All the candles had literally melted, including those on the lamp. So, as I was cutting off two candles and ready to put them into the lamp, I thought of Jessie and Mson. I thought how beautiful when Mson lights a candle. I then lit the two candles for Jessie and Mson. May they always be surrounded with light and love. The same with you and Ricky and your little brother.

To love another person really does open your heart up to what follows. It can be love returned or it can be love hurtfully rejected because that person doesn't have a heart that is open to love or to receive love. I prayed today to surround myself with the light of Christ and to stop this memory of love for Lee. I have to stop this. I can't stand the arrows that go through my heart.

I love you Homer.


Bobbie

thank you, Bobbie..I love you too...i am having one of those days...crying...sad...depressed...I will get over it. Sorry...

Very sad the story you just told. It is like you children brought up yourselves. You have parents but you are the grown up as children. I can relate with my mother. I am very sorry to hear what you had your siblings had to go through.

I think during my time my parents were drinking...36 years ago and it still affects me. Until Bobbie suggested that my mother might have been a drug addict, I didn't think about the drinking.

My Ndandi has always been an upright man. I love him and I am comfortable around him. Good man. A Scorpio. My mother is a Libra. I have tried to search the stars for answers.

Homerx, I admire your Dad who apologized! That's a gentleman. I admire him. May he live long.

I'll be praying for Mabel. Is that the right name? That your mother has left for another man!

You are wondering why you are telling these? It is to help the masses. Can you imagine how many people long to have a loving relationship with their mothers? Those people are reading your very well written post and darling, they are being touched. You are not playing small mbae not telling your story and you are not shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. You are being liberated from your own fear and your presence here is liberating us.

You are not even asking for prayers about yourself. You are asking for prayers for her. Interesting. I'll be praying and please give me the correct name if I am wrong. I am ready to pray.

I love you
Mson.