To Homerx February 17, 08

We are all gonna be just fine. God don't make junk! He's blessing us with our presence joined here today! Love you all right back!

Amen,Fairy*Godmother...you know one of my favorite ladies in the whole wide world, Tammy Faye, used to say God didn't make no junk......God bless her...and you 2...

Thanks for grazing us with your presence. The whole room is lit up. I have friends who are like family in Georgia. Good people.

Thanks for coming mbae and saying something so powerful and profound. Please stay a while. *Muthoni offers you a cup of tea*

Muthoni (Mson)

Mson, she is a wonderful person, I am so glad she joined us here!!!!!

I did the labyrinth walk and prayers. Went to the market. Came home and read a bit. Had lunch. Did collage and coloring for an hour and now I am heading to work.

How is your day going. I usually have a lazy day in the week. Sunday. I think a lazy day is in order for us. You are doing alright. You are a victor not a victim and I love you.

Mson.

Hi Mson. I worked out, walked the treadmill and watched Oprah. did you watch Oprah today? It was interesting. i started a thread about it. Check it out here
http://ehealthforum.com/health/past-life -regreession-t141030.html
Other than that, it rained some and I feel like taking a nap now...have a great night,my friend and take care. Oh yeah, i took my car in to get the air condition fixed..it is going to cost $1453.63 !!!!!! YIKES!!!!! That hurts...but I cant have no AC in Texas, it gets way too hot!!!!

I had missed the post mbae Fairy*Godmother on the last page. The pages are adding up fast. I don't know why the notification of posts is not working on my computer. I snooze I loose. I'll ask my husband to check it out.

It was raining here too. I had to go out in my rain gear. I bought a nice rain coat so that rain does not keep me away from the outsides.

Really glad to hear that you worked out and walked. Good for you. We must press on my friend. We did not come this far to quit now. You mentioned at one time that you would consider a timetable. A timetable is great because you are not doing one thing all the time. This has really helped me cut down my time on the computer. I used to be on the computer all the time.

I was looking for answers in the computer. Day and night. Nothing else got done. Now I check email, reply and come to the forums. I have several other forums but I am not active. I love it here.

No I haven't watched Oprah yet but it is being taped. Cannot wait to see it now.

It is expensive to repair a car. To keep it maintained. WOW! I ask for providence for you and Ricky.

I'll check out the thread after I watch the show.

I have an hour to go and my shift is over until Thursday morning.

I always thank God for my job and ask Him to protect us in this line of work.

I love you.
Mson.

With my back and forth of what to do, today was finally the straw that broke the camel's back.

My vineyard worker woke me up at 6:50 a.m. I now have had to have a sign up sheet because sometimes they cheat me. No more of that. I have to help them be responsible. This is my place and I am the one who has to come up with the money to pay them. Honestly and fairly I treat them.

Another day of my current vineyard manager saying he was going to get a man out here with a trailer to haul away those 8,000 cartons which they removed from the virgin vineyard and today Hector hauled them up and put them in my burn pile. Unfortunately, the burn season is over until November, 2008.

I have the opportunity to fill 20 large plastic bags with this refuse and the county will pick it up for free. I explained that but no, let's just get rid of it. No. It is the little that I have here to try to make it and I will work very, very hard to make that happen.

So, today, after Hector helped do that work, I asked him to help me plant a replacement Viognier down in the new vineyard. We were only three rows away from what I later noticed was a major squirrel colony. Hundreds of pounds of dirt piled up between the rows and a major hole which could cause injury for a worker if they fell into it.

So, I had to go down there and put in a big squirrel trap with peanut butter, corn and tomorrow more of what they really like. I know it is sad, but this is farming. I don't go out and outright poison them. I know it is hard. What can I do? Walter said those squirrels have been here for thousands of years and they will be here thousands of years after we are gone. All I say is peace to you my squirrel friends. Leave me alone and go back and live on the property of my neighbors who do nothing to control you. Why do you want to come live over here on my property? Well, let us look at the ways, A beautiful condo with water and air conditioning. Hey. I can't blame them for that.

Homer, you and Mson know me. I am of Cherokee blood. I can go on forever.

But, I honestly see that everything is lining up for me with my original vineyard manager wanting to come back to work for me as a consultant. I now have this new vineyard manager who has all the license, insurance, labor consultant paper work and papers to protect me. I am going to go for it.

I think the best way is to send a letter saying that I have retained new vineyard management.

Love you for building me up and showing me the picture that I always knew was there. It is a healing process of letting somebody go. Especially, when they look at you with those little puppy eyes of don't throw me away. Sometimes, it is they who throw themselves away and then make you feel guilty when you finally cut them loose.

Love to you, dear friends,


Bobbie

My hearting is beating hard because I just sent that poem to my Ndandi to give it Mami.

I will read it out to the children when I teach in the next six upcoming presentations and every other presentation for that matter.

I cannot believe I just did that (send the poem) but again I am standing on shoulders of giants. My husband, Homerx, Bobbie, Fairy*Godmother, Gugu, YOURSELF, Hart74 and Carl's brother and so many other people. Almost Positive and Miss Anonymous. You all lift me up.

My heart has been bothered mbae my mother for many years. As complete three years since the wedding, the last time I saw her, I will not allow this fear of her to continue. That is why I said:

Happy Mother's Day.

I appreciate that when I was born
You did not throw me out
You wiped my bum and gave me a breast.

Then depression crawled in and you
were a monster
One I fear to upset up to this date.

Mama I pray for you daily
That your soul may heal
That you may enjoy your olden days.

I have forgiven you Mama
For the physical and verbal abuse
I understand you were ill.

I am crying mama
Because I wish you were a normal Mama
But you are who God gave me

My path is different from yours
You cannot beat me now
You are NOT the boss of me.

Please understand Mama
I did the best to bring us together
The rest is up to you.

If we don't connect again
That is fine too
Even Homerx survives alone

Anyway, just wanted to say
Happy Mothers Day
To you Rosemary.

It is me
Muthoni.

Whatever will be will be.

Who can say what made your mother into the person that she became? I know in her heart she loves you. Never doubt that. But, sometimes it is not a day in the park. Your being abused as a little child still gives me pause. It hurts me Mson, let alone you. You are the one who lived through it. I am glad that you are working on seperating yourself now from that pain. Let your Mom come to realize the pain inflected upon you, just a little child. Sorry. I don't want to lay blame, but abuse of a child to me is almost unforgiveable. They have to repent for that kind of suffering and pain. Sorry. I know it is not my place here to make judgements, but you are my friend and you were innocent and just a child. We know what was going on with them Mson. We don't have to speak the words. But, we both know. We know.

I love you Mson. You have made me be strong. Stronger and stronger every single day. I finally hired the new vineyard manager starting in June. And, my former vineyard manager will be coming back as a consultant to help me and put in a system of watering without me having to do it every day. I have already fallen three times out there on those hills. I am getting old. I can't do this forever.

I thank God for you every single day and always pray for you every time I awake Mson and you too dearest Homer. You have a woman's heart. A heart that can listen, understand and empathasize. And the heart of a man who can love and love unconditionally. I love you Homer.

Your friend in Christ,

Bobbie

The one person you have shown us is your heart and soul, Mson. It is kind and good and full of love.

I wish I could just reach around you and show you how much you are truly loved. I think about the great angels. Gabriel, of the North, Michael of the East, Raphael of the South and Uriel of the West. I believe in angels and in particular the great angels of the Lord. These angels are recognized in all faiths.

Congratulations on hiring a new manager.

I love you and thanks for your very meaningful words.

Thanks about the angels and I really appreciate that you pray for me. All the prayers are helping me get better. More and more each day.

More next time when I am not so tired.

Love
Mson

I will be forty soon and I don't want to carry any baggage into my forties. I am cleaning house.

And you are right. One day it will be too late to have a chance to fix it. I have been trying since 2002 to bring reconciliation. I wrote a long letter to her May 19, 2002. I was telling her how habits are carried on from one generation to the next.

I told herI was raped. I told her about how insecure I had felt in high school because I was a late developer. I had no breasts. I explained that since I was with Bipolar, I understand her more and where she is coming from. In that letter I told her not to worry about the abuse because it was not her wish. I told her about my prostitution days.

Six years later, she still seems to want to make me shrink. Well I won't shrink for I say the Nelson Mandela speech everyday but Sunday. It is starting to support me from the inside out.

It says:-

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am powerful beyond measure. And my playing small does not serve the world.

Cheers
Mson.

I LOVE that,Mson...I have to believe that...it makes good since to be empowered and to be strong!!!
"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
YES!

Thanks my dear.

The speech was first given to me in a church of all places. I lost that piece and then another one was given to me mbae a fellow HIV person and this time kept it safely and also my counselor gave it to me. I decided then to memorise it. It is one of the things I say at the labyrinth.

Yes my dear, as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Just the presence. Strong stuff eh? Automatically...it is amazing. It is like what Fairy*Godmother did to me and the page. The same effect comes from the candle on your avatar. Light.

I have awoke, had breakfast, tea and a joint

Next I will skip rope, get dressed, light the candle and go for my walk. Maybe I will go for my walk after the volunteer interview at the place of the homeless.

So I will skip rope and light the candle and maybe read my book. Have lunch, go to the interview, walk the labyrinth come home and watch TV. hopefully I have some clothes on.

Geez the grill is still soaked in the sink. Gotta clean that.

Have a fabulous day Gorgeous.

Love
Mson

Strong stuff indeed....thanks,dear...have a blessed day....xoxo

I have had a blessed day so far. thanks for your best wishes and prayers. I had lunch and read from my book. Just to have the discipline to sit down and read is something new to me. And to understand what I am reading is even more unreal to me. The mind has stopped racing. Amen!

My first encounter today was Karl from Kenya. He was teasing me for wearing sunglasses . He is also looking for papers. He told me that it is was nice to see me standing straight. He said that I am eating well.

People can see the results of my effort. Thanks for holding me up.

Then I went to the interview for the homeless. What a waste of my time. The only openings were preparing food in the kitchen. I never prepare food at home why would I prepare there I prepared food in a restaurant before. Been there done that and don't want to do it again.

At the labyrinth I found three more people walking. It is always fun to have other people there. While I was in the middle singing a hymn, a woman spoke to me from nowhere and said she had just got a job. I was happy for her but I wanted to continue with my prayers and so I told her I was happy for her which I was. She was very happy.

I am home now. Should be watching Dr. Phil. I guess I better watch yesterday's Oprah, then Dr. Phil and then today's Oprah.

At 5:30pm I have to be at a course at the AIDS office. The topic is, Global Issues Training. I don't want to miss it for the world.

Talk to you later
Love
Mson