Good Morning all..Mson, I know what you are saying about the hump back and the twig legs and all the different things that can happen either from the virus or the meds to treat the virus.... the physical changes that AIDS can put you threw are hard to cope with, the emotional changes come with the physical and its a horrible circle...if I didn't walk and exercise then I think I might have the twig legs and puffy belly and hump back....thank God that I have the energy to exercise and the $$ to bye food and meds...some people are not as fortunate, they do not have access to $$ or food or meds...its my legs that I always have to work on, they could get very thin if I didn't walk on the treadmill and do weights...that is why hurting myself in San Fransisco bothers me. It isn't just the pain but its also the inability to work out...but I am getting better slowly. As a matter of fact I am off to town now to C the doc and get blood test and go to store...talk later and I hope you are all fine...and MA, you don't have HIV I think, be thankful...

Miss Anonymous,

Great to have you here. You are a very courageous young woman and that courage will take you far. I am doing well, just a little under the weather. Dear Husband (DH) says to me not to go out in the cold or be out there helping people move. He is a funny guy but he also cares.

Hopefully the doctors find out what is causing you fatigue and such.

It is better to know what is ailing you, so be of good courage as you wait for your test results. If you keep as busy as you are, the two weeks will fly mbae just like that.

All the best and blessings to you. Thanks for writing. Still praying for you.

Love
Mson.

I am back from doing all my running around...I wrote a poem I want to share with you...I hope you like it. It is called
FORGIVE ME FATHER

Forgive me Father

for I have sinned.

Forgive me Father

for I'll sin again.

Forgive me for

what might have been.

Forgive me if

I live again.

Forgive me if

I've hurt a friend.

For give me Father

for I have lived.

Peace and Love,homer

Third day in a row waking up at 8:45am. There is a God. I am very particular with myself when I sleep in because with Bi Polar, this could be depression...I have to be very careful.

I love poems. I completely forgot how much I LOVE them until I saw yours. It is a beautiful poem about forgiveness. What really got me was

For give me Father

for I have lived .

When I look into my life, there is nothing I did wrong. Life happened. Is it a sin to have been born? If it is a sin, then I sinned...And need forgiveness.

I just got up from a two hour nap. Sicker today than yesterday. Made myself another cup of lemon zinger tea. I had cereal this morning and when I woke up from my nap I had a sandwich. My Dear Husband (DH) tells me to feed the cold. It is a wonderful thing to have a caring person when one is not feeling well. I have my DH and I have MA, you and Bobbie. I hope Bobbie is feeling better.

Thanks very much Homerx for explaining to me the importance of exercise. I did not know that it was that serious. You have learned to love yourself just the way you are. I admire that. And I hope that your arm is better soon so that you can exercise fully. You seem to accept very well the consequences of this our illness or the side effects of the medication. I would do the same I suppose

Love you
Mson.

Thank you, Mson... The arm is getting better and I walked yesterday and will tomorrow and maybe light weights...depending on how I feel but I WILL get back on that horse and ride again!!! I am glad you liked my poem, I write a lot, I have 2 notebooks full of poems and short little bits of thought...I find writing therapeutic even though I don't spell very well any more since the stroke..thank God for spell check!!!LOL

Homer, what a heartfelt and beautifully sincere prayer. I will remember it. Thank you.

When did you have a stroke? I remember you mentioned it before. Was it because of complications from the medications? Were you at home with Ricky when it happened?

I remember Don had tiny legs when he was sick too. Don and John were from Kansas City and Don was a parole officer and John was a probation officer. Both really dear to me. Have to call John and see what is going on in his life.

Mson, be careful and do as your BH says, take care of yourself and feed the cold. Honestly, poach a whole chicken with onions, garlic and carrots. The broth and chicken fat are wonderful for healing.

Tried to post my babies but the message came back that it had to be less than 157 KB. Will try again.

Love, and take care of yourselves my friends,

Bobbie

Hi Bobbie, yeah, I had a stroke a few days after 9/11...I was home and in the middle of the night I woke up, went to the bathroom and threw up and went back to sleep, the next morning I didn't know anything except Rick...I didnt know my dogs, where I lived or who I really was...Rick says I called in at work and my boss said "You really need to come in because Tommy called in sick" and I said "Who is Tommy?" Tommy sat at the desk next to me, we worked side by side...of corse my boss said"May I speak to Ricky"...she was freaked out. Ricky called in to work and took me to hospital. Slowly with home therapy I was able to retain new memories but much was lost. I can not remember names and still cant read which breaks my heart because I was an avid reader. Now I can only read small paragraphs and it takes me forever but I'm still here!!!
I went to your website and the pics are too big to work as avatars...how about Goggling avatars-wine or something like that and use a picture from there???
OK, talk to you all later, Rick will be home soon and I need to prepare dinner.
I Love you,
homer
P.S. my real name is Steve...does that shock you???? I go by Homer on line and always have...Homer has been my nick name for years. You can still call me Homer or Steve, it doesn't matter...after all, whats in a name? Would a rose still smell as sweet if it were called something else?

Bobbie,

Thanks for your advice. Dear Husband (DH) is right and you are right. After my nap I played crazy 8s with Pascale and that made me feel better enough to be able to clean up the kitchen. I made tea for us. I still have to wash the grill which DH is using tonight to make steak. I left it to soak.

After the kitchen was relatively clean, I dressed warm and went out for a walk to the labyrinth and I was able to pray for family and friends. I felt better after the fresh air. I missed my prayers yesterday because of the move where I was helping. I am addicted to going to the labyrinth and praying later. It is a good addiction I think.

I like your idea about the chicken then I can make soup later. But I do have some other soup defrosting. Thanks for the idea.

My wish is to take it easy tonight. I better wash that grill and then relax. Very glad that I went for a walk. It was still light out at 7:00pm. Things can only get better.

Wi chat later.

Love
Mson.

Who, by a stroke of good fortune, we come into contact with. Mson and Homer, you are at the top of that list. You have been real inspirations to me and I thank you for that.

Mson, I actually have gone into my laundry room/pantry which was stacked to the gills with stuff and today worked on getting it cleaned and cleared out. Donate some stuff, scrub the floor, do laundry. Now, I can open up that door and feel good about it!!!!! Also, took off the storm protection from the kitchen door so that I can feel the air coming through the screen door. A good thing.

Also, cleaned out my closet Mson. Ironed up things which had been waiting there for some time. Put things away. It feels so good! I know what you mean by taking care of clutter. I am so glad I have you in my life to give me these reminders to get your life in order.

Homer, you are such a young man to have suffered a stroke. All the stress of your situation and what you have been through. Thank God Ricky was there. There is nothing to replace love and to have a person who loves you at all times. I know that you have that and I am so happy for you that you share that special bond and caring.

It can be a little scary sometimes thinking I am alone and can die here alone and it could be days before anybody would find me. But, like Scarlett O'Hara said, "I am not going to think about that. Tomorrow is another day."

Sorry too Steve about your reading. You somehow remind me of my husband Walter who was an avid reader. We actually had seperate rooms because he would read well into the night and I was an early bird. I miss him Steve. I am happy for you that you are surrounded by love and your sweet family. I could cry for the loss of your mother's love and understanding, but never give up. She may have an awakening of the heart. Sometimes, it is the way a person is raised and their own fear of not knowing how to make their child perfectly happy. Perfectly happy doesn't happen for anybody. Happy we can live with and be for glad and grateful.

Love to you my friends,

Take care,

Bobbie

I love you checked out the pictures. Does eHealth forum need pictures made smaller somehow? I can get my husband's cousin to help me make it smaller maybe. Thanks.

I just read my message to you and I did say BH, because, I know he is your Beloved Husband. For that you are truly blessed lady. So is he blessed in return.

Bobbie

Homer, (from the Nelson Mandela Speech)

Your biggest fear is not that you are inadequate, your biggest fear is that you are POWERFUL beyond measure. It is your light NOT your darkness that most frighten you. You ask yourself, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous." Actually who are you not to be? YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. Your playing small (which you don't Homerx) does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people do not feel insecure around you . You are born to make manifest the glory of GOD that is within you. It is not just in you (although that would be nice), it is in everyone. (Most people do not know that.)And as you let your light shine, you unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. (Like you did for me when I joined this forums and like you continue to do for me even with your stroke story.) As you are liberated from your own fear, your PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY liberates others.

I recite this everyday using "I" instead of you and I have been doing so for over a year.

When I became mentally ill, I could not read either. I can read on the computer but the books are tough. I am almost finished a book now and looking forward to starting another one. I just don't understand what I am reading sometimes. The book has to really capture me for me to read it quickly like I used to. Keep practicing my dear. I know you are not one to give up and that is why you are my hero. While I was practising, I forced myself to read a book. I would sit down and read word mbae word until I reach end.

Really appreciate your story. Steve is a cool name. The story in the bible about Steven and how he was stoned to death and he saw heaven is one of my favourites.

Don't worry about the spelling errors, as you say we now have spellCheck but beyond that, everybody understands what you mean.

I LOVE WHO YOU ARE!
Mson.

Thanks for all your kind words. They keep me appreciating what I have.

I washed the grill but did not tell Beloved Husband . He was sitting there, I was sitting here and dinner was not happening. It is 9:03 now and he has just started grilling. I am not that hungry anyway. It will be nice to eat though.

Thanks for writing about the removal of clutter. Congratulations. Tomorrow I have to take somethings to storage. You reminded me of it Bobbie. Goes around comes around. I see you remove clutter, area mbae area. That is a good idea instead of tackling the whole home at a go.

Tonight I am going to take all the recycle into the balcony because bottles are all over the house from Chris and Beloved Husband's drinking. I always clean up after them but I have not been well. Chrios keeps saying he will take the bottles out and he hasn't. I will put them on the balcony upto to tomorrow night and then I am disposing them. You've charged me.

I was supposed to clean the house today but I decided to rest. I will give it a go tomorrow and get rid of the clutter that is starting to crawl in. Good Lord have mercy.

I am glad I know you and I will have more time to know you. Although sometimes I get confused like in the beginning when you talked of babies, I thought real babies but those vines are your babies and they are so loved. May they bring forth. I would read that you have babies and then I would read about your grand children and oh, the confusion!

Take good care.

Here are two quotes from Beloved husband that I wanted to share with you.

I didn't even know what hell I lived in until I met you. It was madness - I can see clearly now.. He was responding to the clean kitchen. Such a Sweetheart.

The other one was, If someone cannot be a friend, they cannot be a good lover He told me he could not believe how many girls told him that they cannot be lovers because they were already friends. We both agree that a partner should be chosen from among the friends if possible. Good for me that the girls were like that.

LOVE
Mson.

Acts 7

The Stoning of Stephen
54When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56"Look," he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God."

57At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.

59While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." 60Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.

Beloved husband was apologizing for making the grill dirty again. So sweet. -Mson

Thank you Bobbie and Mson....
Have a great week end...Mson, I enjoyed the story from the bible, that is a good one.
Bobbie, we will get those pics figured out, don't worry and you are not alone, you wont die alone in your house...you can come stay with us any time you need a break,know that. I appreciate what you said about my estranged mother, I think she may be a mental case because her history is shady, to say the least.. You are my friends. We will be OK, all of us will be fine...

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-29 84700538625005394 (2005 - 1 hour 2 minutes video mbae Beloved Husband)

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-91 666044398493123 (2003 - 17 minutes video mbae Tyler, a friend)

The way you put it Bobbie makes it sound so scary. I know how it feels because when I came to Canada, I was coming to die away from family. I wanted to die alone. This was mainly because I have what is seen as a shameful illness. I did not want my family around.

Now that things are better, I would love to die surrounded mbae family. Homerx has said that you can go to their place. I don't want to think about you dying but I'll have my papers mbae then and I can come see you.

Bottom line, you are not alone. Let's keep in touch.

Love
Mson.

are in reality, facts of life. My BH died alone in this house when my son and I were in Italy. Now, I live alone and unless something else should happen, there is the probablity that that can happen to me too. My children have their own lives and live 200 miles away from me. I do have good neighbors and live on a gated estate. That is how they found my Walter. The newspapers were down at the road for two days and one of my neighbors called two other neighbors to come up to check on him. Otherwise, can you imagine the shock of walking into this house to find him dead on the floor of his bathroom?

Please don't feel shame about your disease Mson. There are people walking around out there who have killed people in cold blood, done horrible things to others, cheated them, robbed them, stolen their very lives and they feel not one ounce of regret, remorse, let alone shame.

You have gone through a lot in your lifetime to get to this point where you are reaching thousands and thousands of people with your message of love and hope. Same goes for Homer.

I have no intention of getting married again. I had the husband God gave to me and we were happy. At this point, I am not even slightly interested in looking for anybody else. Look what happened the last time. Now, I have HPV for the rest of my life. Just never going to put myself in that position again.

Take care of yourselves friends.

Love,

Bobbie

I am really sorry to hear about Walter. I can imagine how you must have felt. You have good neighbours. Newspapers for two days? That is scary. "Dead on the floor of his bathroom." Tear jerker.

I am not ashamed of my illnesses but I know what other people think about them. But I know what you mean.

Homerx is very special. My hero.

I have told Beloved Husband that if anything happens to him, I will not marry again. I cannot go through the whole process twice. To reach a place where you have trained each other. Once is enough for me. I have told him that he is free to do whatever he wants after I die.

They say never say never

What really is HPV? I know it is Human Papilloma Virus. But what is it?

LOVE
Mson

It can be passed on my men who don't even know they carry the virus. Men don't show symptoms. Women can get HPV and develop the high risk types which can lead to cervical cancer. The low risk types can become genital warts. Getting checked out by your doctor can tell you if you have it. Just like HIV/AIDS. It is a virus.

To tell you the truth, when BH had congestive heart failure and we had to leave this place because regardless of the beauty of it, we have very bad medical help here. We lost over 225 doctors in just one year in 2003 because they could no longer afford to live and practice medicine here.

I had to take BH to San Jose twice to drain the fluid from around his heart. Gone the first time had him in the hospital up there five days. Come home. Busy body lady neighbor calls to read me out about leaving the newspaper down by the road as it presents a problem to everybody else. Home invasion danger kind of thing. We asked her to please just bring the papers back to us.

Next time, for 11 days and 79 pounds of fluid drained from his body, we called our vineyard manager who was in charge of picking up the papers. That time, we had called the post office to turn off our mail. I called our vineyard manager who said somebody was getting our papers. Got home again. Same lady. This time my husband Walter said, "please, just let our vineyard manager take care of our papers." She said, fine, then I will just throw them into the garbage. He said fine.

But, you know what? If that same woman hadn't had people come over here when he had actually died, and I came home to find him, I too would have been dead over his body. So, all these things seem to work out for a reason.

I did have issues, terrible ones. This same woman who had never been into my home came over to stand outside the house to watch the freak show as BH was taken out of our home. Found out that actually other neighbors too came to see. That took me years to forgive as Walter was such a private person. He would have totally hated that. Some even stepped on the pool cover in the back making it collapse into the pool. Tell me really why people can't stay away at a time like that?

Still, in time I forgave her.

I eventually even told her she did me a tremendous favor by having somebody come over here. See how life works out Mson. We don't know all the pieces of the puzzle, but God does. He does not make mistakes. He places us where we are supposed to be.

Furthermore, I believe we chose our path before we are born onto this Earth. Otherwise, how could you and I be so blessed?

Take care and thanks for your kindness.

Bobbie

Thanks for talking with me about HPV. I am researching more. I did not know how it was spread. Did not know that men have it as well. We live and learn.

So they were moving Walter while you were away? I guess they had to. How did you get the news of his departure? You are a very strong woman.

I was here in Canada when Jessy passed on. I was told that she was walking and talking on that day. She was away from school because she had chicken pox. She was living with my only sister. It was nice of her to take Jessy in. I heard that at my parent's house Jessy was suffering somehow. On this day, my sister sent Jessy to my parents home as she had to go to work and had nobody to take care of Jessy. Jessy was taken to a dispensary and they said that she had more than chicken pox and they would give her an injection. She reacted to the penicillin and died.

I think she had HIV but I will never know because she was not tested. She a sore mouth once and also lymph nodes at the back of her neck. One doctor had pointed the lymph nodes to me and asked me if I knew what that meant and I said yes. From that day I was afraid she had HIV either from birth or breastfeeding or both.

The sad part of the story is that at the dispensary, they put her on the baby sitters back and sent her home in public transit. That is how poor resources are in Kenya. It is a horror story. They said that she should be taken to another hospital. My Mami was watching the baby sitter coming home with Jessy on her back and she wondered why she was not walking. That is when they realized she was no more. My poor Mami. She had to deal with that. She had commented that it were better if it was one of her child that had died. One man asked him, "Which one would you choose?" She had no answer.

They proceeded to bury Jessy and as much as I wanted to be there, I had no immigration papers and if I left I could not come back. I said, "Let the dead bury their dead." I did not have closure.

I left Kenya on 3rd July 1996 and she passed on on July 3, 1997. She gave me exactly one year. On the phone she would ask me why I said I would go in August and never went. She wanted to know why I said I would go in December and never went. She was a soul longing for her mother.

My visa was initially for two months and I was supposed to go back in August. Then my visa was extended up to December and then for another year. She caught me lying. I wasn't really lying just that my plans did not work out.

Now she is gone to rest and I mourned her for 10 years and then I realized I had to stop mourning her and instead go on with life and love those that are close to me. As you say that everything happens for a reason. If I still had Jessy and she was still in Kenya, my mind would be there and I would not be able to serve God like I do. I have come to be at peace with the whole matter. She is in a better place and will always be in my heart.

Yes God does not make mistakes.

Always
Mson