I feel like a huge burden has been lifted since i talked about my early past. Thanks Boobie for you words. . I feel like I found what I was looking for. Non judgment.

MA, I am glad that you are feeling good. Not just good but very good. It is all in our attitude. You can wait for tests while you have fun or you can wait while making yourself miserable.

My doctor in Kenya told me to eat well and have fun. There was no affordable medication. Even now many people in African are dying without medication. It is very sad. It is 5:00pm. I am going to get the last of the mudshake.

We are going to see our friend Maria. She is making us dinner. She is making chapos (chapati like a roti) which is like a tortilla but not quite. It goes with stew. She wants me to meet her friend Todd. She's from Kenya like me. First time I am coming to her home. We'll take a bus there. We have government bus passes provided to the disabled for $45 a year. Isn't that something? I love Beautiful British Columbia.

Chris and Pascale are here. They will be moving out of their apartment end of this month. We'll miss them. They, especially Chris helped us de-clutter and suggested a storage area. I believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it is hard to know the reason. Like this time a woman told me that I would know why my daughter died. Years later I would know that she died so that I may learn and teach what I have learned so that others don't have to suffer long.

Most of what I have learned, I learned through mistakes. I don't want people to make the same mistakes. MA nobody taught me about birth control pills. The only two times I took birth control was deprovera. Other than that, no birth control. Now that I am settled and married, we use condoms faithfully.

Let's love ourselves the way we are and go from there. Let's feel good about ourselves just the way we are.

It's all in the way we look at it.

I had a great day. Was called to work for three hours. Had breakfast. Skipped rope. Went to the market to mbae sandwich meat for lunch. Had lunch and came to the computer. I better socialize but first, I better pack my medication.

It amazes me that I got pregnant only once in my fast life. God must have been looking out for me. I did get pregnant with my husband but we had a miscarriage. It was Nov, 2005. My dear husband collects his sperm and puts it in a syringe and puts the sperm in me. That is how we make baby to avoid my DH getting infected. The doctor knows about his. Sorry is that is too much information.

Knowledge is power.

Love
Mson

From mid September 2007 and end of December 2007, I wrote down everything that was holding me back. I came up with, worry, fear, ugliness, doubt, impatience, cowardice, shame, anger, pain, self blame, regret, loneliness, guilt, insecurity, sadness/sorrow/grief, craziness, hatred, loss, enemies, anger (again), hatred, anxiety, confusion, jealous, generational curse, prostitution (seeds), lying, stealing, AIDS, controlling, CLUTTER, promiscuity, boredom, messy, disease, self destruction, depression, ignorance, bi polar, stress, laziness and forgetfulness.

I was forgiven all that and so forgiving my abusers was not hard. They are no longer objects who hinder my growth but people going on with their lives.

Missing you.

Love
Mson

your own heart, is the ability to love Mson. All those things you just mentioned above are not things that should be on your mind. They are not from God. They are sent to torment you in believing that you are not a child of God. We know differently. YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD. He choose you at the beginning of time, he gave you your name. Just like Jessy.

You, as a woman have come into your own to help and encourage others. Never forget that Mson.

Just look at what you have been able to accomplish in your lifetime, even with having AIDS. A lot of people would just lay down and give up. Not you Mson. You are not a quitter. I don't think there is anybody yet who will knock you to the ground and make you give up. That is just not in your spirit.

Keep up your good work and I am happy and more than glad that you have good friends and especially that you are blessed with a husband who loves you.

Bobbie

Don't you love music and the joy it brings to the soul? Looking forward to receiving from you.

Bobbie

It was EXHAUSTING though. and LOUD...My ears are still ringing!!! That's what I get for standing right next to the stage near the speakers...

I had so much fun. I met with my friends there and danced and snapped photos and just had a blast. I love love love live music. Nothing can compare to the energy and adrenaline of being at a live show, surrounded by people you don't know but are pretty much skin on skin with, and you look at them and they smile at you...some of these people are probably people who wouldn't even notice me, but for one night everyone is friends, everyones happy, everyones together...in this little bar, sweating, singing along, dancing. It's wonderful...

It WAS in a bar though so there was a few drunken fools... I just wish people could enjoy the music and let loose without having to drink!

Good times, good times. Yes Bobbie, music truly brings joy to the soul. It is life-affirming. It's amazing.

Got a sore throat last night, out of nowhere. I'm spooked again, but I can handle it. Have to. Should get my medical situation worked out too so I can FINALLY go to the doctor!!

Going to tell the doctors my symptoms:
Dry cough, then productive cough since December
Fatigue
Oral thrush
Sore throat (now)
Lumps on legs and feet

Ears are still ringing from Saturday night..o_o I should start wearing ear plugs when I go to concerts!!

Much Love,
MA

Thanks Bobbie. I am glad that you see me as a non quitter. I hope to tough it out for as long as possible, hoping that it does get easier.

I like going back to where I was in my imagination because it humbles me. Since I was forgiven those things, other things within me were able to thrive. I was writing then down as well. Confidence, contentment, clarity, assurance, blessings, truth, bravery, forgiveness, health, knowledge, balance, lover, wisdom, self worth, activity, honesty, giving, faithfulness, peace, sanity, friends, healing, organization, prayer, faith, courage, trust, family, patience, teamwork, pride, life, tidiness, life, hope, miracles, innocence, happiness/joy, love, gain, active, calmness.

I am a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come.

Hope you are well.

Always
Mson

Good for you for having a list. Ask them if the cough could be Tuberculosis. I had TB once and it made me tired. All the best with that MA and breath in and out when you feel like loosing it. Remember you are not alone. We are here with you.

Glad you enjoy dancing so much. I am a good dancer but haven't gone out in a long time. You have as much fun for the both of us. Are you a non alcoholic? Good for you. I admire that.

Take it easy my dear. You are walking in the right direction.

Lovingly
Mson.

I woke up at 9:40am. I skipped rope, had breakfast and lit the candle. I light the candle for God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and those who have gone before me. I light the candle for our little girl relative who is going through treatment for cancer. I dressed and went and bought uniform for work. I found a nice grey matching pants and top. From there I went to the post office to check mail. Then I went the labyrinth. I said my prayers. When I got home, my timetable was saying that it was lunch time. I made eggs and ham.

Then it was time to collage - one hour. Another hour I spent coloring. Then I had a nap for an hour. I watched again the movie "The Secret." Soon it was time to change into my uniform. I was being trained on how to clean a spa. It is a lot of work but I love the challenge. I prayed for a job and God gave me a job. It is best that I don't complain. We need the extra $ for pocket money. I report to work again tomorrow.

It is 12:45am. Way past my bedtime. Dear husband is giving me a massage tonight. How sweet. He says I deserve it. He says that he loves me this much (arms stretched out). Then he added he loves me more than that. I love him.

God bless you

Love - always
Mson

I still cant type but am reading all that you sweet wonderful people are writing! Much love, HomerX

I knew that sore throat just couldn't be a sore throat..Now I've got a stupid cold and I HAAATE IIITT!! I can't afford to be sick.
I'm sad, angry, and scared all at once... I mean I just got sick recently and was out for a whole week..... I
need to go to a doctor so bad...like I said I can't afford to be sick... God I'm really really upset. Ever since I've found out that I
may be HIV things have gone up and down....I really hate being sick....

sorry im rambling..

i hope im not sick for a long time...i hope this sore throat and runny nose and fatigue doesn't become permanent like my dry
cough did...God this is so depressing. I'm lucky I have no work or school today. I don't know if I'll feel well enough to go to school and that makes me so angry because Im already messing up BAD in school....

And my bf is not helping, for some reason at 3am he thought it was a great idea to wake me up and start asking me why I'm getting sick so much (AS IF I HAVE CONTROL OVER IT!) and asking me if I've been doing bad things...If i've been w/ other guys again..I told him no, no I haven't...I mean doesn't he realized that I may have already contracted HIV and that there's no way I would ever risk it again? And now he's saying he wants to move out...What am I gonna do?? I hate this...I want to be well so I can do the things I need to do...

I'm so depressed...I really hate being bedridden and tired. It sucks.

But coming to this forum really helps me tho..You are all !!

Anyway, on a lighter note (I actually wrote this yesterday but the stupid computer ate it when I tried to post it, so I'm going to rewrite it..

Muthoni, I am definitely a non-alcoholic. well, I've actually drank before and even recently, but never in public(well, I can't drink in public anyway cuz Im underage, but Ive never had a desire to anyway) . But I think I am going to give up drinking altogether. It just seems pointless. Saturday night at the end of the concert some drunk girl was hanging all over one of the guys in the band...it was so gross...I saw that and thought, "I hate that, I don't want to be a part of that."

Gaah! So tired and sick....

I am sorry that you are going through a tough time. Sorry to hear about your BF wanting to move out. When it rains it pours. I hope you can find a place with resources for young women such as yourself. Please take care of yourself. Feed the cold.

Since you don't know if you have HIV or not, you should use protection to avoid giving or getting the virus. That is what I would say to anyone.

I know also that we are what we think. You can wish yourself into health and wellness. Try and focus on the areas in your life in which you are healthy. Make sure to eat because food is a defence for the immune system. Force yourself to eat and drink lots of fliuds. Pamper yourself and dress nice. Life goes on. Do your hair up, put earlings on and don't give up.

Please note that you are on my prayer list. I hand you over to the Creator everyday. You are not alone. Please remember that.

Start to think of ways to help yourself if your BF is going to be like that. Don't allow him to leave you hanging dry. You can do this. You are a victor not a victim sweetheart.

My Dear Husband (DH) loved me just the way I am. He loved my Bi poar and my AIDS. He loved me with my past. I must say I am very fortunate. If a partner does not want to stick with you while you are ill, you don't need that person in your life. Honestly, because love knows no bounds.

All the Best
Love
Mson.

We have missed your messages Homer. This is just a vacation you are on right now until your arm is healed. You will be feeling better soon.

Mson is right MA. If you are feeling ill right now, you need support. And, you are in the position to do that for yourself first and foremost. Do as Mson said, eat well and drink lots of fluids.

And, don't let your BF get you down. Honestly, men can be such big babies sometimes. When the rough times come up, sometimes they run the other direction.

Two big days coming up tomorrow. They are going to tear my house apart even more to do those tests.

Will write more later.

Take care of yourselves.

We were not ready to sleep until after 2:00pm. I slept in and slowly dragged myself and the laundry to the laundry room. That is the beauty of developed countries. I would then put coins in the machine and the laundry would be well under its way. If it was Kenya, I would have had to go fetch the water and wash the clothes mbae hand. Then I would hang them to dry. Here we have a drier. Very simple to do laundry but I guess you would have to have lived in the developing world to fully appreciate.

I had breakfast and skipped rope. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, did my hair and literally left the house. I went mbae the post office and found a cheque for SAN-FAN our educational group. It is the refund from the trip we took to Port Alberni. Nice to have some extra $$. I went to the labyrinth and prayed for my family and my friends. I have added my friends here to my prayer list. I went via the bank and came home. I had lunch and then it was time to go to work at the club.

The whole time I was thinking of my experience cleaning the spa last night. Polishing the taps, cleaning mirrors. And I heard that the boss goes there at night , lights off and then with a special torch, he looks for finger prints. The floor is marble and one has to vacuum (the vacuum cleaner was not the best). Vacuum and then mop. Many rooms to clean. So many mirrors. Door leading to another door. I was cleaning the basement and the ground floor. He was going to pay $40 a shift. That job could take 5 hours and a half.

When I came home from work, I sat here thinking and at 7:34pm, I decided I was not going back. I told DH and at first he wanted me to go then he concluded that it was up to me. I therefore am still looking for a job.

I am having spiked pineapple juice.

I have started on the dishes. Have taken my medication, I'll shower and go to bed.

Wi chat later
Mson

hey everyone...hope you are doing ok, Bobbee, hope the house tests turn out OK. Hi MA and Mson...hope yall R doing OK. On my way to doctor to check out this arm. Wanted to say hi. Sounds like we are all going threw a crappy cycle sort of...it will pass, just be strong. We have each other. I still cant type so guess I will get ready to go. Wish me luck. I had JYoungBear post the pic of Ricky and I on the GLBT forum...did you C me? Talk 2 U later.
Peace and Love,homer

I am doing well. Mother in law is visiting. I am not going out of my way to impress her. No way. Just to have her put me down? No!

I hope Bobbie is fine. That house would give anybody grieve. Dear Lord have mercy. I pray for her just as I pray for you Homerx, Miss Anonymous and Almost Positive. And some other friends who have PMed me.

Praise the Lord. I woke up 9:10am feeling refreshed. I went back to bed for a alittle while and then I told myself that I must wake up. I came to the computer and then I did rope skipping. Then I washed the plates and bowls and cutlery. I did the cups and glasses last night. The only way to beat dishes. I had some cornflakes and then I had a cup of tea. The time was 10:54am. Chris was here visiting. He is still here. It is always nice to have him here. Pascale is out of town but will be back tomorrow. They are moving out of these apartments at the end of the month. We will miss them. They are our good friends.

I went to a meeting at the AIDS office. We are looking for advertisements which are AIDS related Today we came up with a brainstorm.

I am important enough for you to use protection.

I know where I've been what about you?

Bring condoms on your date not flowers.

Nothing says lovin' like a condom

It is your right to ask not assume

Real men wear condoms.

Sharing works for kindergarten not rigs.

I love being part of this group. We'll be meeting again soon with the radio people and go from there.

I hope MA is doing alright. Poor doll.

From the AIDS office I went to the disability office to get my proof of income. I don't have a file there anymore they told me. My husband is the file holder and I am his spouse. They gave me a proof of income for 2006/2007. I don't think that will help the lawyer. He wants my proof of income to send to legal aid so that they can hire him to present me as I do my permanent resident papers. They denied me saying I was making too much money. Holy Lord! I wish.

I went to the lawyer's office and they were closed at 2:30pm. Odd.

Went to the labyrinth and prayed for family and friends. Then I went to the market and bought cookies, sandwich meat, milk, juice and I forgot butter milk. I really should go shopping with a shopping list.

Then I came home and soon mother in law was here. I told myself that I was going to put out an attitude of contentment. It is working. She has not done a single thing to piss me off. I won't give her that chance. She is talking about going to the labyrinth with me tomorrow. I told her I will show her both labyrinths. We really are what we think we are.

We went out for dinner and I had the best soup in the world. It was a big bowl. I will go there again for the same soup.

It is almost 9:00pm and so I will take my medication and do the dishes, shower, make a bed on the floor for mother in law and then I will go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

Yes Homerx I saw the photo. Very handsome men. Lovely couple. You talk black my friend. I really thought you were black. I call it wishful thinking. I love who you are.

I hope your arm is better soon. Thanks for all those times who struggle to come in and type something. You are awesome. No giving up. Peace.

Lovingly
Mson

Mson,I really should go shopping with a shopping list. You are so funny. I LOVE your attitude, it is so refreshing. I talk black? How? I will take that as a complement.
My arm is getting better but still hurts. I went all the way to the doctor yesterday only to turn around and come back home. She was not there. What a waist of gas! That was 50 miles round trip in gas and time... like I can afford to throw money away for nothing! can you tell I am in a bit of a sour mood?The puppies and the mother kept us up all night practically...at least I am not having to deal with the Mother In Law!!!!
OK, got to get off here and give my arm a rest...I need to start back on my exercisers today, at least the treadmill...
Bobbie, how are things??? Any better? You have bean quiet lately? I hope and pray everything is getting better for you.
Talk to yall later,love and peace and good health,
homer

You say things like that without fear. You are an old soul as opposed to saying black. But I think you know what I mean. I think black people like myself are the oldest people in the world. Since I had never seen you before, I went with your writing and that is what I thought. You are serious when you need to be and can also be hilarious. You have a soul that is not usual to persons of European descent having usually light skin pigmentation. Are you even of the European descent? Whatever you are, you are good and I love you.

I have kept my "I am not taking any bull s**t" with mother in law and she has not done a single thing to upset me. It is all in the way we look at it. It is now 9:42am and she is leaving around 2:30pm when I go to work. I am just praying that everything goes well. She said the home looks very nice and she said she had a good sleep. Thank God.

Woke up about 9:00am. Getting better with that. I have done the skipping rope and changed into my day clothes. I need to finish drinking my tea, wash my face, brush my teeth, put lotion on and stay ready. I think we are going for breakfast in James Bay where I can show mother in law the labyrinth.

Sorry about going all the way to the doctor's and not being able to get help. Weird . Hope your arm is better soon. I am praying for you. Poor Ricky has to stay up late and then go to work. And you have to be with the puppies and Chache all day and night. It is the joy of being parents. Those puppies must have changed since they were born. They must be soo cute. Do you know which is which? Too early to name them?

How are Molly, Mitzy and Lizzy reacting to the puppies?

I've finished my tea. I better get on with my life in this beautiful day that the Lord has made.

Bobbie, I am praying for you. Once you are in my prayer list, you are in. It just takes a few seconds to say a prayer for someone. Please let us know how you are doing.

Till later
Mson

What a contrast to how I felt on Saturday night! I had boundless energy and was all smiles that night..and now...I don't even wanna get out of bed!
Coughing up green phlegm...Really tired. Had to call in sick to work today. I HATE doing that....I can't afford to!!!

Last night, got into bad verbal fight w/ bf (don't worry, no violence occured). He said lots of horrible, hurtful things, but calmed down later...As I was sleeping, I felt him put his hand on my forehead to check my fever....And I heard him say, "I just want you to be ok"..

BF is later going to go check the mail (P.o box) to see if my medical card came in. If not, he still wants me to call my health care provider to see if I can still go to the doctor (which I probably can). I really need to get to a doctor bad..

I hope I don't sound bitter you guys...But I'm just so tired and stressed out and sick...

Please God, please please help me get better soon!! My life is waiting!!

Miss A, you sound like you are coming down with a flu or a bad cold...yes, do get to the doc ASAP. Sounds like your BF really likes you...sweet...
I hope U get 2 feeling better and get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids and juice and have some chicken noodle soup...that always helps, and some vitamin C...get well, sweet lady! Praying 4 U 2 get well soon.