I am taking my treat early today. Finally finished up my taxes, the county assessor's information on taxation on the new vineyards, got the B&B cleaned up and ready for two nice couples coming to stay for two nights for the Zinfandel Festival. They sound so nice and I am really looking forward to sharing my home with them.

One of the strongest connections that I feel from being on eHealth Forum, is being able to share what is in our hearts, especially with kind and good people. Life is a blessing and I know it. Mson, you and Homer are true blessings to me. Now, Mson, you are healthy and strong with some good flesh on your bones girl. That is just tremendous and good to know that you are taking good care of yourself.

Homer, how do they drain that injury? With a needle? I would probably faint from just having to see it. Actually, at times like that, I close my eyes. Out of sight out of mind with me. Just a baby chicken here.

How are the new arrivals? They must be cute as little buttons. I was in Farm Supply the other day to get something for the vineyard, and they had these precious baby chicks. Cute as the dickens. You couldn't help but just lean over the box they were in and fall in love.

Ma, it will be good to share with you and anyone who can use uplifting of the heart, mind and spirit. I can tell you honestly Mson and Homer are blessed. They have true and compassionate hearts.

Sometimes, it is easy to just show how fiesty and smart you can be but really living in the real world, who wants to spend time responding to that?

Too many other things of real importance in my life right now. And, there is only so much time and energy a person has.

Loyalty is one of the most important values I possess. My friend is my friend. My mother said even when I was a little girl, my friends were everything to me and I would do anything for them. Still will and they are friends for life, and, I love them.

Mson, it has been cold down here. Can't bring myself to get up either. Mark called and wanted to attend a time trial in Fresno but he believes that the Grapevine Highway 5 coming up from L.A. may be closed from snow. So may not be able to get through tomorrow. Be here for Easter for sure.

Mson, I don't know what happened with your mother, but honestly it is true sometimes mother's resent their daughter's and their father's love for them. Sometimes it is hard to work out things even with our own families. I know for sure I loved my father more. It was just the way it was. I loved my mother too, but she seemed to favor my two brothers. I don't completely understand how that all works, but I love my son more. Maybe it is because he is so easy to love, doesn't make waves, and my daughter was the type of child who would go down a slide head first, all speed ahead, where Mark would carefully get onto the slide and hold on and go down slowly.

Honestly, as my husband and I got older, the more and more alike we became in our values and belief systems with his mom and dad who really loved us. Now, as my children are getting older, we often think and are on the same page on things that really count.

Mark and I were flying home from Italy three years ago and I saw the way he was sleeping. Just like I do. His hands and feet are exactly like mine, his hair, too. And, best of all, he is a man of great goodness and faith. Both my children are good, have faith and love. How lucky and blessed can anybody on this earth be to have that and know you have instilled lasting values in your children?

Must have lunch.

Love to all of you.

Bobbie

Mson, yes, Bobbie is very loving and maternal. Nobody messes with her chicks!!!! That is one of the many things I love about Bobbie, she tells it like it is! I L O V E you Bobbie! and mr.tibbs can bite me!!!! you know I have mr.tibbs and a couple of other people blocked so that I don't even see what they say but I can imagine!!! If you don't want to see mean peoples ranting and raving then go to there profile and click "IGNORE THIS USER" and you wont even see what they write...i love that !
And Mson, you always make me cry...in a good way. I was really beginning to think my time on this earth was not going to impact any one in a positive way. And now, it has I feel and that makes me proud and joyful and H A P P Y!!!
I do feel guilty because I have not been exorcising since I got back from San Fransisco but I am still so sore from the accident. I could walk on my treadmill but my knee is still sore and I still cant use my right arm so I will have to just take it easy for a bit. I have been sleeping a lot also, maybe its the Vicodine and not working out. Although working out by skipping rope and walking the treadmill and a little weight lifting is hard sometimes, it does, in the end, GIVE you energy. Getting started is the hard part but once I am healed from my accident then I think I will be able to get back to my regular schedule. Until then, I will continue to sleep and eat!!!!
Peace and Love,homer

You must have been writing at the same time as me! The puppies are doing great, I was wrong though, it is 3 girls and 3 boys. As for the draining of the elbow, yes they used a needle. I do like you, close my eyes or look the other way and usually talk to the nurse about something else. But it actually felt good to get that fluid out of there!!!! Thanks for asking and for your concern! Love,homer

With all the good you do, then sometimes, God takes back a little bit just to show us who is in charge. Bless your heart. Take the time to heal. If you sleep and eat, eat and sleep, it is o.k. Your body is needing it's own time to recover from this injury.

Then you have the big responsibility of those new lives brought into yours and Ricky's.

I can tell you honestly, even though I am not naive, that post by Mr. Got Out Of The Wrong Side Of The Bed, did upset me. I felt it was hateful and mean what he said. Almost like he resented that there are others out there who can honestly connect and care for one another. Like Mson, I had a hard time getting up the next day. It is amazing how mean words can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.

If he was on the HIV and AIDS forum, there are lots of posts he could respond to. He didn't have to get upset with our caring and messages to each other. Our messages have never been hurtful to anyone. I sometimes read what other posters put on and it can give me encouragement.

I am so glad you have told me of your background. Being a bartender certainly is the next best thing to being a licensed psychologist. My granddaughter Nicole is putting herself through nursing school as a bartender. Just imagine, "Nurse, please, help me out here! Bring me a drink!" I know I am bad but the picture is just too precious to contemplate. I take her to events when she visits me, this beautiful 6'2" blond beauty and I tell friends and business associates that. They love it.

And, Homer, as we have been in communication now this past month, I am going to say what I see when I look at you. Tall, 6'1", sandy hair, probably 40-43 years old, strong and very caring. And, green/hazel eyes. Nice hair. You have good hair, fair skin and one of your best features is your long arms.

My impression for the day.

Love and take care of those babies and I am so proud of you ingnoring people with the way that is now available to us. Be mean, it is a big goodbye time. Be nice, and you are welcome.

Love,

Bobbie

My mother called me names, she beat me like nobody's business. Her brother had sexual relations with me before I was eight years old. I remember it like yesterday. Her sister abused us as well. Those three ganged on us like there was no tomorrow. But Jesus knew there was a tomorrow. A brighter tomorrow.

When late Jessy was three years old, she asked me why I was shouting at her. I felt like beating her and throwing her off the balcony. Seriously. Then is must have been God who stopped and made me kneel and explain to my daughter that I had a disease that would kill me. I told her I was worried about her and about me. I told her not to tell anybody. I trusted her. I did not know she would die before me.

Years later I would look at how she exhibited signs of self worth while very young. I never asked my abusers why they were doing these things to me. Certainly not at three years old. Not at 12 or so when I was raped again. No wonder I have Bi Polar. My self worth was down and I did not respect my body. I was ignorant about many things. I was promiscuous, I was a single mother prostituting while attending college. We had to eat. I got raped again and again.

My country Kenya does not have social services like they have in British columbia. It is like night and day. I do imagine Jessy in Canada. She would raise to be a great woman. I'll be that woman.

Bobbie, that is what happened with my Mami and thanks for asking.

Who is Mark? Granddaughter? Wow. Congratulations. And one that is into nursing? And paying her way? Nice! Jessy would be getting to 18 years old and maybe she would have given me a granddaughter or grandson. Maybe twins, maybe triples. A girl can dream...

The Everly Brothers

Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

FADE
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

I knew this song which I sang to Dear Husband (DH) while we were dating. "I love you darling and that is no lie, stick mbae me and I will stick mbae you. When you cry , I cry too, stick mbae me and I will stick mbae you.

Homerx, when you cry, I cry too.

I got a call to go for training for a cleaning job on Monday. I guess I am working cleaning again. It is our pocket money. Helps me send some $$ to Kenya and also helps support our habits. Booze and I told the Creator that I have given everything into His hands. He knows why I had to leave the other place. Mostly it is because I had to literally chase every pay cheque. But there was a problem. I used to damp the garbage in an alley. I have been raped before and I could just see it happening again. I would have butterflies in my stomach every time I took garbage out and sometimes I had to go there twice. That is is not good for my health and I even developed eczema on my arm. I think the would not allow this sort of torture to happen to me again. So I was removed from there and into a better place. The pay is less but I am safe. Safety is number one. And I had told the people whose office I cleaned right after I started that I had had a bad experience before and I don't know about that alley in the winter and they said, "Let's wait for winter. I was outta there like there was no tomorrow..

I must eat dinner. We are going out.

Thought of you today, hope the arm is better soon. Sometimes the Universe does find ways to help us just sit. Do nothing.

I'll tell you all about my day when I get back.

Smoke one for us. Is it safe to say that? Jeez.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVyH1C5P0o0 &NR=1

I got home from work a few hours ago - today was only a 4 and a half hour shift, yay!! Homerx, to answer your question, I work retail. I'm a cashier. Not the greatest job but I don't have very many options, being an 18-yr-old only in her second semester of college.. Even though the shift was short, it was not without its stresses..but some funny stuff happened too. Some crazy lady came in and was screaming - SCREAMING! -about how she needed to return these shoes she bought, even though they were filthy. gave me a good laugh.

wow Homerx, you were a bartender for 20 yrs?! That mustve been hard! I mean they have schools for that...Would you ever consider doing it again?

And yes, I LOVE "The Origin Of Love"!! If I absolutely had to pick a favorite song from Hedwig (I can't because I love them all!), I'd say "The Origin of Love". It's so beautiful. I got to see a live production of Hedwig when I was helping out at a production (First I was a stagehand, then I was the merch girl for the bands that were playing in the show). The music is even better live. It was so much fun. It may be happening again this year and I may get to be the merch girl again! Yay!

Muthoni, thank you so much for your kind words. And yes, that is the correct birthdate on my profile. Out of curiosity-why do you ask?

I woke up this morning feeling TERRIBLE - not rested at all. I did not want to get up. My bf (from now on i will refer to my boyfriend as my bf) was up early of course. I had told him to get me up when he woke up, but of course I fell back asleep. I really want to start waking up early! I thought I had got enough sleep.

Also starting the morning crying and stressed. Read about lipodystrophy, which can be caused by and found this about symptoms of lipodystrophy:

"Fat gain (in the stomach, breasts in both women and men, shoulders, neck and sometimes lipoma - small lumps of fat under the skin)."

There are small lumps of fat on my legs.. the ones i mention in my very first post....and the doctor said something about it being lymphoma...Although im fairly sure i havent gained weight because of lipodystrophy (IF I do indeed have it) - that weight gain is just bad diet..

Reading that really depressed me and I had a horrible morning because of it. My body felt weak. I almost called in sick. But went I got up and started moving I started feeling a little more energized, and managed to make it thru my day. my bf picked me up and we had a joyful ride home. We didn't have anything to cook so I just popped a pizza into the oven and we ate that. He usually cooks really yummy, healthy food, but we don't have anything right now.

Bobbie, thank you for welcoming me into this forum. I have read some of your previous posts and I can tell that you are a beautiful woman with a heart of gold.

I think I'm going to watch a movie now-one of my favorite movies ever, Ed Wood. It's directed by Tim Burton, starring Johnny Depp and Martin Landau (absolutely hysterical and perfect as Bela Lugosi!)

Love,
MA

To the tradedy that has happened to you Mson in your young life, It is beyond me to understand. Your mother and others in your family doing that to you?! For you now to be able to forgive is an amazing choice, beyond my comprehension to understand. I am only speaking if it were me. I don't know if I could forgive or if I would want to get back at what they did to me. You have made that decision. Mson, you choose love. You are the chosen one that we can look to for understanding.

I honestly love you Mson. I also know that God doesn't make mistakes. He brings us together for a reason, even if it is in front of this computer screen. Be well dear.

Bobbie

Miss Anonymous,

My late daughter was born on the 31st of August 1990. Just the closeness to her age made me have goose bumps. You know what I mean? I was asking so that if it was really true, I could embrace like a daughter. If you let me. Maybe I am just crazy.

Love
Mson

ED WOOD is a classic....I LOVE that movie..and Johnny Depp is such a great actor...sounds like we like a lot of the same movies...Here is THE ORAGINE OF LOVE for Mson and Bobbie, I think you will like it..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hBWa3n0_-Q
I also love WICKED LITTLE TOWN, its my town...yeah, cant pick a fave, I love them all. Anyway, it is late and I must hit the sack...Nite Sweet ladies, I know so many men ( and women) would be SO jealous of all the love you give me...thank you...and Bobbie, you kind of got it right...all except the hair and that might be true except I shave my head...I have sinse I was in my 30s because my hair was so wavy and curly that I couldnt handle it and I never let it grow back, this shaved head is just 2 EZ to manage and a lot of people say I have a really nice shaped skull!!!
One Love,
homer

You must forgive others who have wronged you before you can be forgiven (by God) for your wrongdoing (sins).
Matthew 6:15
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my
brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.

Love Mson

If only I could be that forgiving...but alas, Jesus is a better man than I...I haven't talked to my Mother in almost 2 years and I pray to forgive her but deep inside I don't.... To be perfectly honest, I hope I never see or hear from her again....I know that is an awful thing to say but I don't and cant have that kind of racist homophobic drama in my life...she makes me ill...physically ill just to think of her so I try not to...but I ask God for the ability to forgive her... ...it has not come to me.

At around 12:30pm I started cleaning the house. Friday is house keeping day. I scrubbed the tub, cleaned the toilet and the sink. Put the clean dishes away and washed the few that were there. I wiped the stove top and the counters. Swept the kitchen floor and washed it. Washed the bathroom floor. Then I was debating if I wanted to vacuum today or tomorrow. I decided to vacuum today and was smoking a J at the same time. I dressed as quickly as I could, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I started jogging lightly to work so that I was not late. Then I was like caca, I forgot to eat lunch.

I see Boobie saying she is going to eat lunch. Very important. I had to send a friend to get me a sausage roll, a pop and three wontons. Lunch for the champions. At least I ate. I have to be more careful. Be in the moment. I have to wake up earlier. But tomorrow is a weekend. I can sleep in.

A guy I work with and his wife came from a meeting and they were saying that the needle exchange has been evicted. It is all about harm reduction but no one wants junkies in their backyard.

Shortly after Jessy died, I did a needle of some substance. I was looking for happiness but I found livid hell. Once bitten, twice shy. It is unreal but it happened. I found this guy in the laundry room. I was 29 years old. I had been in Canada for over a year. He asked my if I had drinks in my room and I said yes. On and on it went and one time, he was in my room in the bathroom giving me a needle. I had told him we cannot share because I have HIV. I became psychotic. Had to test for Hep C thank God I don't have it. Thank God.

So, somehow I understand the need for a needle exchange. But nobody wants the site in their neighbourhood.

From work I went to the labyrinth. Did my prayers. And came home. While I was at worked I peeked into this topic and I saw so many replies that I could not wait to come home and read them without distraction at work. I chew every word.

We went out for dinner (that is another reason I need work). I had chicken wings with Ceaser salad. For dessert I had a hot chocolate with rum. Why not? It was yummy.

I was wearing my heavy Native sweater at the table and Dear husband is like "I know it is awkward to remove your sweater but it is hot in here." I asked him if he is ashamed of me and my sweater. I was kidding. Then a few minutes later I removed because I remembered that I removed it at home when I eat.

Sorry to hear.

First I wrote my mother, then I met her after a nine year separation, then I prayed for her and my other abusers for 2 weeks each. Then I forgave them. Some I wish never to see again in my life. I forgave them but that doesn't mean I have to see them again.

She showed me that she has changed that is why I am building a relationship with her again. She's my Mami you know. I had a child and not any more. I know she loved me. They were very backward people her and her bro and sis.

It is Friday. DH gets a massage. I get mine on Sunday. We started doing this in 2007. It was my New year's resolution. For this year is to do dishes at night and shower at night. Tonight I am not showering as I will shower in the morning when I treat my hair. I only go to the salon for a relaxer. I have kinky hair. You look gorgeous with your shaven head. I can see you in my imagination. I can see you as a bartender as well. Turning heads.

Love
Mson

"My late daughter was born on the 31st of August 1990. Just the closeness to her age made me have goose bumps. You know what I mean? I was asking so that if it was really true, I could embrace like a daughter. If you let me. Maybe I am just crazy."

Muthoni, this is NOT crazy, at all!! Reading this made me pause, because I have been estranged from my mother ever since I was 13...you are a beautiful person and a beautiful woman, I would love to have you as a mother figure ..

last nite I watched Ed Wood w/ my bf. This was my second time watching it, and it made me so happy! I had forgotten how funny Bill Murray was, as Bunny Breckinridge.

id write more but i must do my history homework ...sooo boring..but it must be done! talk to you all later! <3<3<3

Much Love,
MA

Oh my God! I haven't finished reading and I am wailing.

Mson, your dearest daughter was blessed to be born to you. You had her for those first few years. Only the saintly come into this world to finish up some lesson to be learned and then return to Heaven. It is to complete the perfection of their souls. You will most definitely see Jessy again. Bless you and her!. My granddaughter is Jessy too. For Jessica. She has two beautiful and precious little girls. Also studying to be a nurse.

I am glad that you listen to that inner knowing about that job when you had to chase down your paycheck. That isn't right. Just seems some people want to have you work and try to worm out when it comes to letting go of the money they owe you. Honestly, it is pretty common with some people.

Also, I want you to look at how your life is good now and the good you are doing about AIDS awareness. I love the spots you will be doing, "I have AIDS, AIDS doesn't have me!" That is so true, no matter what we have, be it HPV, AIDS, any physical malady is kind of like a tick on your leg. You kick the tick off, put on an antibiotic and go on with living. L I V I N G!

MA, only God could bring you into contact with Homer and Mson. Look at the possibilities of opening your hearts to one another. Just amazing and makes you see how we are never forgotten.

That may be one of the reasons I feel in love with my former BF. He was exactly the kind of man I needed to be with. Lots of things have happened in the two years that I have known him. And, I would never trade a single moment of it. Love is love and that is what I still have in my heart for him. He is precious and dear to me and he trusts me like nobody else. I can tell because we have many talks about his early childhood up until now. Lots of pain in his life. Only he can work it out. There is such abandonement in his life. That is the the thing I see the strongest about his soul. I pray for him as for all of you.

Homer, how is that arm doing today? Please, don't fall again ever. And, never fall and hit your head. Promise that if you ever take a tumble again, you will put your arms around your head and roll. You have too much to give to those who love you to let something bad happen to you.

Forgiveness is something that has to be born from the inner heart. I honestly don't believe every child is born to a mother who can love unconditionally. Love your child, you love their life choices and the person they fall in love with. Would you want you child to be married and in a traditional relationship for outward appearances sake and then turn your back and look away even though every time you see the unhappiness in their faces, it would be o.k? As long as it looks good to your friends and family. I say NO IT IS NOT O.K. Let your children find somebody who will love and treasure them.

We are all so truly connected. My former BF's birthday is Jessy's birthday, August 31st. Look at how we all line up in the way only God can know.

Love and cares for you and yours,

Bobbie

Jessy has taught me a lot. She taught me self worth. How to speak up for myself. Quietly, precisely and clearly. She gave me compliments. She made me feel loved and wanted. She came to teach me and God knew I would listen to her in her death. Woi.

Today I woke up after 10:00am. I came to the computer, then I had breakfast. Skipped rope. I mend my skirt which I was going to wear. (My Dear Husband (DH) is listening to dream dream dream). I did treatment to my hair. I do it at home to save on the $$. I got dressed, had lunch and went for my walk. I went to the labyrinth in James Bay. I like it better. After I finished the labyrinth I sat atn the picnic table and colored two pages of my activity book.

Then I decided to come home and on the way it looked like it was going to rain. Mbae the time I made tea, it was pouring outside and I stood there with cup of tea at the back door (glass) and I watched the rain come down and sipped my tea. Probably the highlight of my day.

I had a nap for 45 minutes. When I woke up, it was time for DH and I to go visit Ted and Gayle. Ted owns the club where I work. He has been our good friend for a long time. He spoke at our wedding. He said that I have invited him for dinner in the past for many days and that he still owes me - that was nice to hear.

I am sipping on a strawberry mudshake. It is 10:41pm

One WORLD one HOPE. Bobbie, we are all one. Connected. It is amazing to me.

Wi chat later
Mson

I'm in a very good mood, and I hope everyone else is feeling good too! I just got home from work (only a 5hr shift, and I got to get off early!) and I am about to go out to a concert w/ some friends. I'm so excited!!! I haven't been out in a while-I know it's going to be fun.

To Roberta and Muthoni, I have been reading your posts, and both of you have such gorgeous, giving souls. Words can't describe the joy and hope I have reading your posts.

When I got off work I started to think about this forum, about Muthoni, Roberta and Homerx...there is a beautiful song (well, a spoken word-piece set to music) that I really want to share with all of you...However, I can't find the lyrics online (the artists are pretty obscure) so I am going to transcribe them myself. I may do this when I get home later tonight, or I will do it tomorrow. I am eager to share it with all of you.

Loads of Lovely Love,
MA