I have a lot of problems going on me, bipolar is one of them.

When I lost a close friend (we had an issue and she wanted nothing more to do with me) and my grandmother both in high school, I had noticed I fell into depression. My parents took me to see a therapist who diagnosed me with bipolar. My mother did not accept that and argued with the therapist that I didn`t and made her change the diagnosis to chronic depression. After a couple visits, she sent us to a psychiatrist who spent maybe a half hour with me and gave me pills that were for adults (and I was a minor) and the pills nearly killed me. All I could do was lay in bed, I couldn`t sit up, I couldn`t get up to go to the bathroom, I totally stopped eating and drinking entirely. After a couple days of that mom re-read the pill bottle label, found out the age restriction and flushed the pills. I thought the therapist lady was nice but I didn`t feel the hour-long sessions were going anywhere so after a few sessions, I told my parents I wanted to quit and that was the end of that.

After college I moved a few states away in with my long-time boyfriend and his mother (we had been dating or about 5 years). Things spiraled out of control, I actually grew violent and had very little control of myself. I was completely different and all due to the extreme stressful environment (I don`t want to go into details of what was going on between me, him and his family). After a year under all that and him turning into a completely different person in every aspect, I came back to my parents` home.

2 years after returning, I have improved since I was in my ex`s home but there are still problems. A few weeks ago, I was alone in the house with the animals, as what frequently happens, and just out of the blue, for no reason, I was suffering from a panic attack. I was almost hyperventilating, felt paranoid and became desperate to get out of the house so I went for a walk (which is normal for me to do). With my current boyfriend whom I`ve been dating for a bit over a year now, over the course of our relationship, there has been times where mistakes happened that flew me into a furry where I felt like marching over to his house, slapping him and telling him the relationship was over. Luckily, I maintained enough control of myself where none of those things happened and we were able to make it past those mistakes (which turned out to be just little things).

2 years since I broke up with the first bf and I`m still suffering relapses of what had happened and still get nightmares about him. I still have yet to get back the interest I had in things before, like video games, drawing, writing (I can`t stay focused on my writing at all). I get lonely very easily since an explosion happened where people suddenly turned on me and were fabricating untruthful stories and harassing me about a subject matter that did not involve them that happened 5 years prior. So most of my time, aside from work and occasionally seeing my bf which is nowhere near as often as what it used to be (by his choice, not mine), I keep myself in my room and wishing to have a friend who`ll spend time with me and be willing to talk with me.

I guess really I`ve described more than bipolar problems here but I just needed to get this out and I need to do something to make my life better. I make almost barely enough money to pay for my bills (while I live with my parents because I can`t afford to live anywhere else) so anything that involves money or any kind of finance is out of the question. I have no idea what to do.