forgetting what I'm like without meds Posted: 02-13-08 14:17pm
Hello all,
I'm new to this forum so I guess I'll
introduce myself a bit. I have been living
with bipolar disorder for 6 years now.
I've had my rough years and my easy ones,
and my fair share of medication changes. I
have been stable for about 3 years now.
As of late, I have been having a bit of a
personal crisis, and I was wondering if
anyone else felt this way. Sometimes I
don't feel like me, or even know who me is
anymore. It's a struggle with duality. Am
I not me if I need to be suppressed with
medication? Who would we be if we didn't
take our meds? I am currently on Trileptol
and Zoloft and have been through lithium,
effexor, and depakote. No matter when
medication is on, I always feel
dampened...like my creativity is gone, all
my ideas are dull... in a sort of way I
miss the art I made when I had manic
attacks. Yes I know the dangers of being
off my meds and that really scares me. I'm
not thinking about stopping the dosage. If
I stopped taking my meds for more than a
month I know I wouldn't be able to keep up
with anything in my life. I just wondered
if anyone else out there felt this way and
how they cope with these feelings. These
are my number one thoughts that make me
break down into a tiff... and over the
past year or two I haven't been able to
get over it.
Thanks in advance
Diana
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 960 Location: IL
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Posted: 02-14-08 02:07am
I do not have bipolar disorder but my son
does. Recently, he started hearing 2
voices, one evil and one good. This
required another med. change. He is no
longer hearing the voices but misses
hearing the good voice because of the
positive, affirming things the voice told
him. He is dampened a bit. This seems to
be a common problem when on the meds. I
don't have any great suggestions for you.
Perhaps your doctor could offer a
suggestion.
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 327 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 02-14-08 04:56am
Nods...
I know exactly how you feel. When I'm
properly medicated, I tend to not even
feel like looking at my
electronic-keyboard...let alone try and
compose something (I do this as a hobby,
nothing serious).
I also a LOT of times feel like i am at a
loss as to who I am, where I am going and
where I want to be. Granted, I think of
suicide wether on med's or not but I know
that if I were to go off of them, my
depressive mood might sink sooo low that I
might just act on it (which I haven't done
as of yet...touch wood).
Some days I just feel like running
far...far...far...away and just disappear.
Go and live on some secluded island where
I can just "be"...if that makes sense...It
feels like I won't be able to be me, so
lang as I am "chained down" by other
people's expectations?
At any rate, the most I can do is
sympathise with your situation as I my
self have a daily struggle at keep head
above water. On the outside it might seem
as if tho I am cool calm and collected and
haven't a care in the world and that
everything in my life is going according
to plan...but deep down...there is a storm
of epic preportions breweing all the time,
just waiting to erupt...
I wish you all of the best...and if you
need to, my shoulders don't mind getting
wet...
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noisesnob
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Feb 2008 Posts: 23 Location: ,
thanks Seraph Posted: 02-14-08 13:47pm
It's nice knowing I'm not alone with this
feeling. I, too, at times wish I could go
somewhere and live my life without
medication... I guess I have been thinking
about it more because I was assigned to
write a manifesto about my artwork... and
it turned out to be about duality and my
struggle with myself.
Perhaps I'll post it when I finish
writing. It's really choosing between the
lesser of two evils, and I truly hate
living that way... I miss my heightened
senses and actually FEELING things... but
at the same time I want to function as a
member of society.... and it is sad that
even though I am NOT suicidal, it still is
a thought occasionally. Who knows, maybe
if we never took medication, we could have
made history... of course like the others
our lives would probably be shorter.
Sometimes I think that by understanding
ourselves in a pure state, we can become
who we are supposed to be. I don't know...
sometimes it seems that either way we
live, we are going to drive ourselves
crazy with questions.
Do you also sometimes miss your manic
episodes? Do you think the shortage of
present musical/artistic geniuses is due
to the overflow of medication?
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 960 Location: IL
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Posted: 02-14-08 14:29pm
I don't think the decline in artist genius
is due to over medication. It is a result
of the medication, for sure. The meds work
on the prefrontal cortex which is
responsible for mood regulation. This
directly effects one's artistic
tendencies. As a neuro RN I had patients
that had surgery and the prefrontal cortex
was effected. Sometimes it was short term
and others it was more permanent. These
people had flattened emotional responses
frequently and reported some changes in
creativity.
Interestingly, my son is very talented
and draws and paints like a pro. Some of
his work rivals what I have seen in
galleries. I hope this does not become
extinguished for him. I think it is a gift
and hate to have meds dampen it.
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 327 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 02-15-08 04:28am
On the one hand, the mania gives me more
creativity...
On the other hand, it's kinda
debilletating...A lot of times I would be
stuck. My thaughts would be racing so
much that I can't stick to one thing at a
time making it very difficult to
concentrate. At times, I would also feel
dispreportionate elation and frustration
which basically just bogs down my whole
thaught process.
The most dangerous is usually when I do
things "without thinking". I hate it when
it happens because when I have to deal
with the consequences, I feel like it
wasn't me that did it...and I can't see
how it could be my fault...
So I guess, in the end...the negative side
out-ways the positive side 90% of the
time.
At work, it can be a bother too...I would
feel unneccissary need to work more
"goal-orientated" and go over board...I
would end up trying to plan out every
finite item which really frustrates others
and in the end...when the mood had passed,
it all goes to waste...
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ktthefreak
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Oklahoma, OKC USA
Posted: 02-16-08 08:42am
Take me with you to the secluded island!
Hah, i've joked about that before. All
bipolars should be able to live on some
island far away from the rest of society.
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Seraph
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 327 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 02-18-08 08:07am
Anytime!
I agree. Society just always want to
shove us into a box...makes us get anxious
over suffocating, then manic about not
being alowed out and then ultimately
depressed over being stuck in the box
