Hello! This is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this so please bear with me and hear me out. As I’m a stubborn lad (unfortunately) and think I should deal with it all by myself, its took me 4 years now to talk about what’s really let me go in terms of why I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m 20years old and have always been noted for the advantages I had back at school, like many others on here. I was one of them “popular lads� in the school and I was full of confidence and always had a Girlfriend (who always seemed to be the popular girl)… My head is already starting to rattle here. As a kid I always felt rejected in comparison to my brother, I was completely disregarded because I’m not the 'cuddly' type of son. I always sat by myself playing, and from a young age iv grown to know that if I don’t bother others, then they won’t bother me! That way I won’t get hurt anymore! Is this right?
I used to have tons of friends back at school. but now my best friend in the whole world is my nanna. sad I know. Plus I get the unconditional love from my two gorgeous baby sisters. Even though I do still try take care of myself, I feel I have let myself down in every way possible! I’ve had one suicide attempt failure after I finally stood up to everything and let it all out. I usually keep my emotions behind closed doors and I feel embarrassed if others see me. I even feel embarrassed now. I should be sat in a pub somewhere right now, watching Newcastle get beat, but that will just dampen any hope of getting back on track to the way I’m supposed to be. But this is so hard trying to put a feeling on paper, that’s probably why I’m babbling on. It’s on the tip of my tongue what I want to say, but I get a gut wrenching churn that makes me feel that I should suffer that little bit longer.
I’m too F**king emotionally intact with everything is my problem. I always put others first before me, which is a good thing I know. But I sometimes take it too far. I bought myself a jacket for £195, proper nice like!! But then ended up taking it back because I thought to myself…I used to buy this and not give a caca….but now I feel selfish if I did that. Instead with the money I went and got a cheap weekend away for my nanna because she was worrying about things at home too much. I’m no saint so don’t think I am. I just care a lot for others to be happy! Anybody else would do the same, but people have never done it for me. Suicide seems a option now, and not something to stay clear off. I lied as a kid to impress my parents….but it never worked. I’m so embarrassed by it man. But I just got the name as a liar. I’m not a liar. I just want someone, just one person to be proud of me. Id give up anything so I can feel wanted or someone to be interested in what I do and not what I look like. I miss people who I think could make a difference. But all I want……is to be “meâ€� again! And I can’t do it by myself. I’m so far over the edge now, 20year of heartbreak has taking its toll and im so scared of being alone through it all. sick of crying on a night and breaking whats left of me. Please help me. I don’t want this anymore…I never have!