Hi everyone, I'm new...

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder 6 years ago, after I attempted suicide and then later began self-mutilating (as a way of not attempting suicide, but try explaining that to non-bipolar people!). I had extensive therapy for a while, and was on some meds, but I lost health insurance and have been without it for about 3 years.

I WAS doing fine... not mutilating anymore, keeping my highs and lows under control, etc., but this year it has come back (I realize it didn't really go anywhere, but, well...) I'm in my second year of law school, and I've been so careful to not let anyone there know about my past. I kind of saw it as a fresh start. But I've been spiralling with more extreme episodes for the past couple of months, and last week my husband's friend committed suicide, which (since I never met the guy) just, I don't know, almost made me feel angry, like because it devastated my husband so much, I definitely can never do it now. Does that make sense? I know it's insane, since it's not like I've been suicidal for years.

I guess it would just really help me if someone who shares this condition could give me some, or any, advice. I can't talk to my friends, since in the past they've only withdrawn from me when I've brought up any negative thoughts, and I can't talk to my husband, because I'm always too afraid I'll hurt him.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.