hello, i ve never been here before...

just wondering, does this sound like bp...?



my moods have always been a bit weird but i never seriously considered it could be a realn problem before this year.
i was always extremely excitable and optimistic as a teenager, with endless energy, bursting with ideas and constant chatter ( ppl would always joke how they couldnt keep up with my speed of talk, and my mother and brother who have have been psych workers would say i was manic, only half joking) but im a lot calmer now.


in the last year, i have had two periods of a coupe of weeks where i have needed a lot of sleep, ( it really wasnt just laziness, i would literally fall asleep while sitting down if i hadnt spent emough timein bed)
been quite sad ,

both times i felt very indifferent ( last spring i had just come home from travelling, and after the initial excitement of seeing friends i couldnt cope with much eye contact and chatter anymore and spent day after day in bed, watching the trees from my window. i really felt that there was not much point in doing anything as whats the point of experiencing any emotion more than what i had already)
not working or seeing my friends , my parents grew concerned.
but then two months later i was normal feeling again, just like that.. and got a job and moved out, everything was great.
it came over me again for november and december, my sleep became extremely disturbed,i kept waking at 4am every morning after vivid, weird dreams.
by christmas when me and my friends had arranged a gathering at my house i could barely hold a conversation or look at them too much. i told them i was sick.
i managde to pull off being wonderfully 'fake' happy for cmas day with my family but that took so much energy i spent stephens day in bed, crying for no reason at all.
i grew extremely irritable when ppl try to have extended conversations, and viewed every question as some sort of jibe or prod at me.
then, all of a sudden, at the beginning of jan, i felt completly fabulous, just like i used to.
i attended loads of university, then gave up for two weeks cos i felt so good and busy, and had lots of projects to underatke at home.
i completely changed my bedroom which involved alot of redecorating,and catched up on uni projects.
i was writing lots and felt so creative, my mind was filled with words colours ideas , i ws very efficient...
i couldnt stop smiling. there was everything to talk about...
inthe last few days i feel myself turning back to december-type darkness.
my mind is markedly slower. cant draw properly, its taking me so much longer to think of the right words, i need to sit and stare a lot and just not think.
i feel like i can see everyones secret motives at the moment, and they all seem so nasty and selfish.
i have to stay away from everyone right now, i stay up at night and sleep all day cos i dont want them to see me sad and quiet.
they dont like the strange lack of life in my eyes , i can see it in their unsure hesitant glances.
i also am afflicted with incredible, inexplicable guilt wheni feel lik,e this.
free floating anxiety that needs to latch on to anything to stay there - i will become incredibly wooried about somthing tiny if theres nothing else to worry about.

i have had severe ocd in the past but kept it hidden from everyone.
i still have a touch of it but its nowhere near as bad as it used to be, somehow i managed to take it down a good few notches by myself.


what does this sound like to you... just bad moods and normal excitement ? maybe just irritability cos im just becoming less tolerant?

i would really really appreciate any thoughts...