Broken Hearted Forum - Long story about heartache

There is friendship that is taking too high a toll on my life. My friend is 33 years older than I am, and he lives 200 miles away. I am 27, and a woman. This man is my example in very many things. I don't think I'm really in love with him, but I do love him, as a very dear friend.

Because of the age difference (and to a lesser extent the distance), a relationship is out of the question. But we see each other occasionally, and we e-mail a lot, usually every day.

Now the problem. I am too focused on these e-mails. I spend too much time thinking about them. If he doesn't write for two days -- which is exceptional -- I'm starting to think that I've said something wrong. If he sends a cold message -- which does happen -- it really hurts.

What complicates matters is that there are things I can't speak to him about, because he is so much older. I can't tell him that I really miss him; I can't tell him how much I care about his messages. Trying to pursue a relationship is simply not an option.

How do I stop this? I don't want to obsess about these messages so much. I don't want to stop communicating with him. But I don't want this heartache either.

Replies(8)

Galaxy

replied on February 7th, 2008

Supporter

Welcome to cyber-romance!

Well, why can't you tell him how much the relationship means to you? He is 60 years old, and not likely to run away like a scared schoolkid.

200 miles is nothing, by the way - and there are planes, trains and cars aren't there? The two of you should get together more often. These days, 60 is not old so who says a relationship is out of the question?

You are too negative. 'Not an option', you say? Yeah, right - just get on with it and good luck! Laughing

Address7

replied on February 7th, 2008

New User

Aw, thank you!

You know, I've been thinking on and off that maybe it would be possible, but realistically I don't think it is. This has been going on for a while, and I've decided that I'd be better off if I just accepted that it's not possible to ever start a relationship with him. Keeping up hopes is just too painful.

I agree with you that 200 miles is not so bad, but the age difference makes things complicated. I'm not against relationships with large age differences as a matter of principle or anything, and I agree that 60 isn't very old, but on the other hand, he is almost retiring, while I still have 40 years to work, etc.

And practically: suppose he were interested, he would never be able to tell me, because it would be awkward for him to confess this to someone so much younger. He is a decent man who would probably be ashamed. The other way around I can't tell him either, because it is just ridiculous. Why would he ever be interested in someone my age?!

It makes it hard. I can't tell him I miss him; I can't hug him. Bah.

Galaxy

replied on February 8th, 2008

Supporter

Hmm, then you may live to regret it. Take it from an old-timer with a very long memory!

Remember the old adage about the only things you regret in life ... and stop being so ageist, by the way! Most unbecoming! Smile

Address7

replied on February 8th, 2008

New User

Well, the only things in life . . . but if I try to do anything about this, I'll lose a friendship. That's not really worth it either!

This isn't a new thing, it's been going on like this for more than a year now. That's why I have decided that I should get over it now.

Galaxy

replied on February 8th, 2008

Supporter

Ah, ok.

literarypractice

replied on March 8th, 2009

Experienced User

Internet friendships can become very involved with so much contact. They can have an addictive quality. The new email in our box gives us validation! The person cares about us. Or, at least, that's what we think. In the end, I think it's illusion. We don't really know the other person. They could live in squalor--economic or emotional. From experience, I think people have a tendency to use online friendships to feel appreciated. The tendency to lie or to be other than yourself is also alluring. I think you made the right choice.

leeslight

replied on March 8th, 2009

Supporter

literarypractice wrote:

I also agree with this, its also a validation of what we want to hear off others, while its great to make and have friends over the internet, its not real healthy to pursue a long distant relationships,

wouldn't you like to go out with your partner every second night for dinner? or even go to his place and he cook for you, watch a movie, or even a moon lite stroll...

wishing you all the best...

Address7

replied on March 8th, 2009

New User

It's true about internet romances. However, in this case we've met several times, so it's not just a cyber-persona I'm talking about.

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