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mother in law issues

My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs now. Im so down and out because i have always had problems with his mom. We all have been is seperate counciling sessions fo 6 months. She has severe control issues and constantly causes problems between me and my husband. Her own shrink told her that she was a stumbling block to our marriage and needed to back off. She has always wanted to run my home and my children as if was hers. I have built up a real bad resentment for this woman and she keeps doing stuff to upset me even when she says she wont do it no more. Its to the point now where it affects my health. Any suggestions out there? I hate to kick her out of our life completely, but the thought of having to be 5 ft of her sends me into a panic attack!
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First Helper nonipa
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replied February 1st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
I hear you. I'm begining to have troubles with the mother in law here but I don't think mine is big issue. Of course when I have children I will discover what will be her reactions but hopefully it won't be that bad. I really don't know what to say to you. The problem with my mother in law is that she wanted to live with us and we had to kick her out. I didn't wanted to but hey she wasn't looking for a place to live and if I let it go longer it would had been worse as she was taking ownership of my house. She thought she could live in the house for as long as she wanted. No no. So she is mad at me now but she will get over it.
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replied February 6th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
It would be better if the husbands could be the ones to say something to their own mothers. What happens when they are asked to take care of the situation?
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replied February 6th, 2008
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My mother in law
She seems to compete with me. She throws in little comments here and there to get me. Like this one time we went to see her and she asked my husband if he was leaving with me or if he could stay longer. He replied that he follows me everywhere. She asked if I walk ahead and leave him behind. I said women walk behind and men ahead. She said, "But this is Canada you might do things differently." She later said it was a joke.

When I got engaged in 2003, I wanted to get married the next year on my birthday. She was paying for the wedding and delayed it until 2005. She even chose our wedding day. Mbae this time I was just agreeing to anything as long as there were signs that we were getting married. Very maddening.

I am glad she moved to further away.
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replied February 7th, 2008
This sounds so much like my situation it's scary! I wish I could offer you advice on how to deal with this, but I am trying to figure out how to deal with my own very intrusive, controlling MIL as well. I served my husband with separation papers this past summer because our marriage was so full of problems for the last year and a half that seemingly couldn't be resolved....I felt at the time that his mother interfering with just about every aspect/decisions of our lives (from the small things, like 'recommending' what brand TV we buy, to 'offering' names for our soon to be born child, to 'guiding' us on our finances- ALL unsolicited, of course), was just part of the problem. We reconciled because he told me how he realized he needed to change (the behaviors that didn't involve his mother), and he has followed through. I have never during our marriage directly told him how much it bothered me that his Mom interferes....the interference occurs when he tells her what we are doing in our lives, and she in turn, has 'advice' (even when we've already made up our mind) because she basically wants us to live exactly the way she and her husband do (I basically don't care for their lifestyle, but I would never 'give advice' or 'recommend' to them how they should live....I want to live the way me and my husband want to live!). My husband respects his mother, so when she 'suggests' things, he starts to seriously consider them, which in turn, infuriates me because 98% of the time I don't like her ideas. Even though I thought this was only part of our marriage problems, I have come to the conclusion via time and introspection, that much of our problems, which were disagreements about major life decisions, stemmed from the 'suggestions' (read: interference) given by his Mom. I couldn't really see this at the time because he never would say 'My Mom says x,y,z, etc.....'. So even though the behaviors that were unrelated to his mother interfering have changed, the level of interference really hasn't. His mother told him after he told her he wanted things to work out between us and he was going to do whatever it took that he shouldn't go back to me and proceeded to insult where I am originally from (they are from CA, we live in NC). She also refused to talk to him for a few months after that when he would call her. What a piece of work!

Just know that you are not alone- I have amassed a ton of resentment for her all along, but especially recently.

I would recommend counseling- on your own at first, and then later with your husband if he is okay with it. I'm guessing he doesn't see how intrusive his mother is (mine really doesn't), and an independent party might be able to point this out to him. At least that is what I am hoping will happen with us in our marriage counseling when I mention this topic (we have other things to sort out first). Good luck!
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replied February 7th, 2008
Ooops, I'm so sorry.....I just realized you had mentioned you've already been in counseling and even though she's been told to butt out, she won't......

I wish your counselor would ask your husband why he won't ask his mother to stop-especially when she's been told that she's causing problems. I would think maybe she would take into consideration what she's doing if she hears it from her own son (I don't think MILs will EVER take what their DIL says to heart if the relationship is strained)....if she still interferes, then she's hopeless, but at least your husband would have acknowledged and considered your feelings by doing this.
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replied February 20th, 2008
Community Volunteer
Re: My mother in law
Muthoni wrote:
She seems to compete with me. She throws in little comments here and there to get me. Like this one time we went to see her and she asked my husband if he was leaving with me or if he could stay longer. He replied that he follows me everywhere. She asked if I walk ahead and leave him behind. I said women walk behind and men ahead. She said, "But this is Canada you might do things differently." She later said it was a joke.

When I got engaged in 2003, I wanted to get married the next year on my birthday. She was paying for the wedding and delayed it until 2005. She even chose our wedding day. Mbae this time I was just agreeing to anything as long as there were signs that we were getting married. Very maddening.

I am glad she moved to further away.


Laughing Laughing Oh wow, that sounds like my mother in law...she is a control freak and must always have the last word. Fortunately she lives 2 thousand miles away now! yes cartwheel 2thumbs
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replied February 20th, 2008
Experienced User
We lived right out my 1st MIL's back door. She pried and I gave outlandish answers. It made her pretty mad. Once I gossipped and it got back to her. At least she quit talking to me for awhile. I watched what my daughter ate but as soon as she got to grandma's it was not 1 cookie but all she could carry. If I objected I just put my child into the middle of it all. My MIL had me over a barrel.

My current MIL was a dream. Then after 15 years of marriage to her son she treated me like crap this past Christmas! I was stunned. My husband brushed it off saying she's getting goofy in her old age. I think she's going to let her facade down and act on her true feelings in her old age.

See if you can keep from letting on when she upsets you because it's all about how you react. MIL's who act like this are kind of like bullies - - they thrive on your reaction. The best thing you can do is stick up for yourself. Did I miss the reason why hubby isn't doing the sticking up?
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replied February 20th, 2008
Yes, I'd like to know too, why most husbands in this situation wimp out when it's pretty clear that the MIL has no boundaries! That's just as bad as all that the MIL is doing!!
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replied February 20th, 2008
Community Volunteer
ncrn wrote:
Yes, I'd like to know too, why most husbands in this situation wimp out when it's pretty clear that the MIL has no boundaries! That's just as bad as all that the MIL is doing!!


I agree completely! Rolling Eyes
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replied July 25th, 2008
my mother in law
We'll, me and my wife went to pick up my mother in law 2 months ago from another state because she had some problems at her live on the site job. When we arrived, she was drunk and none of her belongings were packed to come live with us. Instead of griping, i kept my cool and help her put everything in the truck. Now 2 and a half months later,she still has no job and has been paying No rent. I honestly think she gave us Roaches. She lives like a viking. She wont nothing around the house unless you tell her to. And when she does do it, she does it sloppy with no care,such dishes are still dirty after washing them, bird feed all over the floors and wants to run in and out of our house all hours of the night.

Today , i had to tell her that she had 5 days to move, because she is causing too many problems in my house,yet since she arrived,all we have done is support her.
She is disrespectful and has been climbing in and out of our windows at night,because she does not have a key. I did not give her a key because, in my house, you have to have a job to have a key. She also talks subversive about me to other people in my neighborhood.

Do you think i am wrong for asking her leave??????
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replied July 25th, 2008
mother in law
Hello,well I guess I'm probrably the youngest one here but in my case my husband is the one that had lots on problems wit my mother,since I was soo young when I got married she wanted to rule my home and things had to be her way otherwise he was a really bad husband,well I can tell u is a very very fustrading situation and in this case it was for my husband most of it but to me as well since I was the one that had to stand up to her and tell her to step out of our lives,well all I can say there is actually nothing that u can do to make her change,that would be ur husband's job, remember if u have or had problems wit her everything u say or do she will take it against her, don't get me wrong even if he put a stop to it she still gonna think its because of u, so ill tell u from experience for my husband happiness and mine, and for our marrige to work, the best thing was for me to stand up to my mother and tell her to step out of our live(trust me it hurts for me cuz its my mother)but she would forgive me sooner or later now if it was him sayin it she would hate him forever, and after that confrontation move away from her, trust me its for a better turn in the relationship if things r not working the way u would like it to, now I live in ny my parents in north carolina and things never been better in all of our lives, I can finally rest and my husband is finally happy and my parents love us a lot. *sometimes longdistance love works better Smile
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replied July 31st, 2008
Experienced User
My mother in law
Wow Reading your posts on here makes me wonder if the problems with my mother in law come close My mother in law said I wasnt apart of the family it , she as a history of talking about me behind my back and lying about it Actually this one time she thought I was her daughter on the phone and she was trashing me I said this isnt her this your daughter in Law I said why did you just say those mean things she said she didnt say it i was imagining it I hung up the phone because I was driving and shocked she would say that to me, She says little things to make me angry like oh you didnt do his laundry right or our problem is we rent a house from them. She does say and act like she likes me and his dad likes me but she finds a problem with anything I do when she comes over she likes to do his laundry and tell me I am not doing a good job it takes me too long to do laundry I work 14 hour days sometimes and Im tired, I think part of her problem is Im not like her She started asking about our sex life and thats when I told her very nicely that was none of her business. I
My mother in law said I wasn't part of the family that all started with her Aunt dying My hubby was sad that his great aunt died I said I would go to Maine with him and his parents for Moral support I would take time off you know so she over hear the conversation and his dad also invited me to come along so she waited tell he left and then came back over and said You aren't really family this a family trip You never met her I don't want you to come, you wouldn't have fun I was so pissed off and hurt I have only been with her son for 4 years so when they were leaving she was happy, then he would call home and she would say why are you on the phone, His grandma says in front of me to his mom that she has given up on my hubby for great grandchildren what is that ?

Then my hubby says she has ms she isnt all there not her fault but he knows she is like this she drives him crazy most of the time he cant stand being in the same room as her she rips him apart nagging him saying you need to loose weight your fat. My mother in law has M.S. andI just want to know is it me? I just want to know how to fix things with her she is driving me crazy and I feel bad about being mean because she has M.S.
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replied July 31st, 2008
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Californchick
An illness is not an excuse for someone to behave disrespectifully.

All the best
Muthoni (Mson)
curtsey
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replied May 25th, 2009
Supporter
my ex was a momma's boy, and his mother was possessive, and agressive by nature. she like to be in control of all situations. of course my ex didnt see it this way, thought the crazy women was great. she was two-faced and gave him bad advice.

she tried to control my household. she lives out of state, but a the time she invited herself over our house w/o my permission. she also invited her husband, her daughter, and my b/f's ex girlfriend's kids to spend a night. this situation was different i wasnt married to him.
i ended up cussing her out and she stepped back for a while. so i think you should be aggressive with her. i a very shy so it was very hard for me. i think it's your husband job to put his mom in order. but if he doesnt i would let her have it. i would make her scared to utter a word in front of me.

how ofter do you see her?
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replied July 28th, 2009
nasty mother in law
I have been married to a wonderful man for 30 years but his mother has done some pretty unbelievably controlling things to us. She prides herself on being a church-going, social, intellectual, but for family holidays she refuses to allow me to bake pies, (something I admit I am good at) and will instead buy a Mrs. Smith's frozen one and ask me to bring a bottle of wine - so I won't get any compliments. She would never babysit for my children yet when my brother in law became disabled due to a stroke, she would drop him off every Friday so she could have some time off, (which she did need) but I was never even asked and I worked approx. 60 hrs per week. Now she is dying. I am trying to help by cooking for my father in law and doing his wash, but my sister in law has been rude to me at the hospital, I have brought her peaches and watermelon and when others feed it to her, she loves it but when she sees that it comes from me, she says it is not on her diet and is sooo nasty. Yet my husband cares nothing for my feelings. When I said that to him he just says I should be more supportive of him at this time. He has allowed her to walk all over me for 30 years and he cares nothing about how unkind she is. I have such angry feelings toward her and she is so close to death. It makes me feel ugly. 30 years and she is still his queen. I resent that. He should tell them all that I am his queen. I gave them their only grandchildren. Both are good men. I will be better to my daughters in law. That is all I can do.
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replied September 10th, 2009
If your mother in law is near death, now is not the time to bring up these feelings and issues. If you have managed to get through 30 years like this you can manage to do it until she dies. Your husband does need you right now, it is his mother and she is dying, regardless of your or his relationship with her. Just be as supportive to her and your husband as you can and let the rest go. You are his queen and he knows it, she probably does too even if she won't admit it. From her perspective if she doesn't like you, she's failed for 30 years because no matter what she's done or said, he's been with you all this time after all.
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replied December 19th, 2009
Emotional abuse
I wonder how I should respond. I live in a joint family rather I have been forced to live under this system for four and a half years. Our culture gives elders the rights of gods: They decide everything for us. I have been in a highly abusive relationship from day one. I yearn to live independently, but there seems no hope. On top of it, I'm expected to be "grateful" to my in-laws because they have provided me food and shelter. Sighs!!!
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replied October 19th, 2012
Hi nonipa
We have very similar situation can we talk sometime I desperatly looking for someone like you to understand me

Thanks
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replied October 17th, 2010
Over reaching MIL or Overreacting DIL?
Am I overreacting? I am uncomfortable about my MIL coming to visit from out of state because she always "takes over". I wake up and she has breakfast made and waiting and she has begun cleaning my house. When I came in she had taken the broom apart to better sweep under the radiator and wanted to show me the dirt she found under there... She will mention wha she did a billion times, "So, I cleaned under the radiators, blah, blah... how many times am I supposed to thank her for doing something I'd rather she hadn't! Recently she came to visit and gave me pots even though I already had the exact same set that she'd been cooking with uninvitedly. Without asking she invited her family to the house for dinner but told me just to sit down because she knew where everything was and had it under control! I had to leave and when I came back they were talking about what a domestic goddess she was and how she always got up early and made 3 square meals and cleaned behind the maid. I took it to be a message to me that I needed to step it up easpecailly when her cousin looked at me and said, "Oh you got new pots, now you have no excuse, you have to cook". She also calls me and my mother to get us on board with her agenda for my husband. My husband says he listens but does whatever he wants so I should just ignore her cause it doesn't matter to him but I get really frustrated by the intrusion and continuos harping on whatever subject is in her head. My husband says I'm over reacting and talking her actions the wrong way... Am I? Am I overreacting?
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replied January 16th, 2013
I know how you feel. My partner was working in the same workplace as her before we met. he hated it and when his father passed away he left and we ended up working for a company travelling around the state, it was great money! He had an argument with her before we left because she felt like it was a stupid decision. She was losing control over him because he was leaving that place of employment and her home. While we were away she 'got really sick' and now she sits in the house on her butt all day. She goes nowhere and pretends she can't walk... The thing that gets me is she sometimes slips up and does something that a 'disabled' person couldn't do... Like carry her grandson around when my partner isn't looking. She uses her 'disability' to control mine and my partners life. When he tells her he is only doing her groceries once a week she starts crying, threatening that she's going to die. Then he conforms to her rubbish and gives In too her. Makes me so angry!
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